I really wish I could hug you right now.
Let me just start by saying that there's always hope, even when you feel you've got absolutely nothing left to live for.
I have been an addict
for about 5 years, but somehow I managed to always keep control until February. I lost it.
I got in with the wrong people, spent the entire savings my husband had worked hard to save, basically cut him out of my life (we are stationed overseas, I was home for a visit), moved into some guys house only weeks after meeting him, and the list goes on.
My husband finally said he was throwing in the towel on our relationship and I fell even deeper into my mess. I stopped speaking to my family as they slowly realized for the first time that I was/am a meth
The guy I was living with went to prison, so I was left at his home, pushing his work to all kinds of shady men that he dealt with, sexually harassed, stalked, threatened, even had a guy pull the air conditioner out of my bedroom window and attempt to climb in at 3am.
My very best friend, also an addict, pushed me away when she saw that I no longer cared about anything anymore.
I gave up, decided that I was done and took as much xanax
as I had. I was awaken to my mother screaming at me and packing all my belongings, trying to force me into leaving with her. Several more family members showed up and a friend of mine called the police for me, as I was screaming at my mom, my best friend, that I hated her and she was fucking worthless and to get the fuck out.
Picture a mother, a sister, aunts, a brother, all standing in the road after they were escorted off the property, crying because the addict on the porch had absolutely no life left in her eyes.
During all this, my husband had bought me 2 plane tickets to come home, I blew them both off. He was emailing nearly all my immediate family members begging them to help get me home to him so that he could get me help. I hadn't a clue, but that's real love...
Fast forward to today.
I don't associate with those people anymore. I'm not sober, but I am back in control again, like I used to be. I'm not happy, but I'm working on it. I'm in love, but going through a divorce.
While high, I told him for the last time that I was leaving him. So he finally let me go. Maybe not permanently, or maybe it is, I don't know, but all I know is that I'd take my husband over the drugs
I still don't talk to my family much, my relationship with my mother has improved slightly, but it's nothing like it used to be.
My best friend and I have text a little over the last few days, but she still doesn't want to see me.
I think what allowed me to slowly pull myself away from the deep end of the pool that I was drowning in, was the fact that I knew
it was my meth clouded thinking that was ruining my life. I didn't place the blame anywhere else but on my addiction
So no, my life hasn't made a drastic change for the better with the slowing of use, but it has slowly started changing, and that in itself is enough to want to continue to live.
There is no way of telling what tomorrow is to hold for you, if you don't show up
If you EVER need to talk, please message me. I know I can relate on so many levels after all my years of use. Love you, lots of people do, so hopefully you can start loving you too.