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  #1  
Old 10-05-2012, 01:56
innocence_1113 innocence_1113 is offline
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boyfriend is becoming addicted to crack

Hello everyone, I am so happy I found a website like this because I need advice and guidence about a current situation. My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost 3 years. We are like best friends and I love him like crazy. Recently I noticed him being very unlike himself. We used to see each other after he got out of work like every night. But it started to change and he would have some sort of excuse. He would tell me he lost his phone charger and couldn't contact me but I told him why couldn't he use his house phone to call? I would wait til 11pm for him to come around and he would never show up. This made me really upset because I thought there was someone else in the picture.

My boyfriend is a type 1 diabetic and one night he told me he was going to the hospital because he had diabetic ketoacidosis, so I was concerned for his well being. But he finally admitted to me and his family that he has become addicted to smoking crack. He also stole his mom's money, mind you was $230 dollars and used it on crack. I could not believe my ears that my boyfriend was becoming addicted to this stuff. The real reason he was hospitalized was because the crack was raising his blood sugars and they got so high, insulin was no longer helping so he had to go on iv fluids. He looks more drained out, bags under his eyes and doesn't eat much.

So his family and I decided to bring him to the hospital because he was going thru crack withdrawls and was feeling very agitated. His parents don't have insurance so the best the hospital could do was offer the option of outpatient rehab so it should happen very soon.

I'm very disappointed in him and he has put me and his family through hell. I just hope outpatient rehab works since he has only been using for a good 2 months. My father is also a homeless alcoholic so I already know what its like to face addiction and feel like everything is my fault and try to be the one to fix them and put myself thru hell. My boyfriend is slowly changing since his crack use. He just seems very depressed, agitated and not motivated at all. I told myself I was going to break up with him because I need to focus on myself and nursing school. But somehow I got pulled back in to be with him again and him telling me he can't do any of this without me and that he wants help. I'm only 20 and he is 19 and I just need advice. Should I leave him thru his toughest time or be there for him for support? I'm at a loss and have done so much for him already and he definetely takes me for granted because when he wants me, I'm there in a heartbeat but I get nothing back in return. Help!

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  #2  
Old 10-05-2012, 02:16
redbloof redbloof is offline
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Re: boyfriend is becoming addicted to crack

First things first I don't know if you do this or not but DON'T tell him you're disappointed in him and don't remind him that he is putting his family through hell. This will just make him more depressed and less motivated to get better. Addiction is something that's very hard to control and it leads you to do things that you would never even think about if you were not addicted. It seems he already has enough problems without him getting griped at.

As for your life. It's your decision whether or not you want to leave him. IMO it seems like he can be a roadblock in your life. If you truly love him a lot you will support him through any tribulation but if you care about your future you will do what you need to do. Just make sure he's alright before you break up with him for the sake of his health.
  #3  
Old 10-05-2012, 03:31
crack_is_calling crack_is_calling is offline
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Re: boyfriend just started using crack

My advice to you is don't give him any valuables as long as you even suspect that he is still using. To do so would be supporting his habit, not him.
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Old 10-05-2012, 03:40
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Re: boyfriend is becoming addicted to crack

Wow, that is some real stuff there. My heart goes out to you.

I have been an addict for a long time, have been through this with significant others and think I can offer objective advice.
I think it's important for you to show support for him, but you must create boundaries in your mind of what you'll do and won't do. This allows you to maintain your sense of self, taking care of your needs and not allowing yourself to enter into a sick, unhealthy relationship. The thing to keep in the front of your mind as you go through this: there is NOTHING you can do to make him stop taking drugs. It sounds crazy, but it's really true. What you can do is, let him know you love him, encourage him to pursue recovery, and not put up with him treating you badly with selfishness, dishonesty or shadiness.
If you can afford it or work it out with insurance, try to talk to a therapist. Remember to take care of you, there is only so much you can do for him.

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Supportive. Helpful advice & good suggestions. Thanks for also sharing from your personal experiences!
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Old 10-05-2012, 03:58
coolhandluke coolhandluke is offline
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Re: boyfriend just started using crack

Quote:
Originally Posted by crack_is_calling View Post
My advice to you is don't give him any valuables as long as you even suspect that he is still using. To do so would be supporting his habit, not him.
this is absolutely no help, in case you were wondering. do not give a crack heads money or valuables is like saying not to slit your arm and go swimming with sharks. however, you are correct do no give him money.

i better response would be to understand he is going to need A LOT of support and help, as if he were a child. you are not going to be able to leave him to his own devices much at all, and when he is for the first little while all of his time should be very structured, this will not sit well with him but as far as im concerned its most likely your way or the highway, as well as his money should be controlled by you. if he works, his pay stubs and either not give him access to the money or have him give you receipts for anything he spends money on.

the main thing is to be supportive, and get him help. the above poster response is kind of reinforcing negative connotations crack has, some beat up person in the ghetto trying to pawn a cheap 5 dollar watch. i have met crack addicts who are very well off, an engineer one guy was a chemist.

to main stream society crack is still thought of along with street corners in the ghetto and shit like that, this is no longer the case. truth be told ive smoked a quite a bit of crack in my day and the only people ive ever smoked with were white, where the typical stereotype of a crack user is a black person, or at least used to be but is still thought of so by many.

he needs help, support, and a lot of caring. this is not something that is a death sentence, no drug addiction is, but its not easy either, it takes time, support and a lot of work.
  #6  
Old 10-05-2012, 04:28
crack_is_calling crack_is_calling is offline
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Re: boyfriend just started using crack

Quote:
Originally Posted by coolhandluke View Post
this is absolutely no help...
It is some help. Crack is a monster! The boyfriend has already stolen $230 to buy crack. The girlfriend has also stated that she is taken for granted by him. This is compounded by the fact that she loves him. At the late teen years and early twenties, don't you think this is a recipe to turn valuables into crack? You don't but I do. I don't personally know any educated people who smokes crack responsibly, but I do have one friend who spent $10,000 per month for 3 months and another who spent $150,000 in about 8. The former got an inheritance and the latter smoked his savings.

Sure, the boyfriend is going to need help but I think it should come from professionals. If the boyfriend does not find his way out soon, she may find him too distracting to complete her nursing school.

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Wonderful comeback! I thought your first post was truthful.
  #7  
Old 10-05-2012, 04:40
innocence_1113 innocence_1113 is offline
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Re: boyfriend is becoming addicted to crack

On occasion I have told him that he needs to sort out alot of things that are bothering him and get his priorities straight. His family is very tight on money, so anytime he did make money it went to his parents and then some for himself. So i believe he was feeling very overwhelmed with money, me pressuring him to find something to motivate him in order to stay out of trouble and the fact that he doesnt go to school. He has a very addictive and curious personality which describes an addict. He was willing to try crack once, and I told him one time is all it takes and to not do it. Dealing with an addict is very exhausting especially since I like to control where people go and tell them the right thing to do
  #8  
Old 10-05-2012, 04:48
innocence_1113 innocence_1113 is offline
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Re: boyfriend just started using crack

I have not given my boyfriend any money. He used to work for a pizza delivery job which made money/tips available to him every night but he screwed that job over because of his using and got fired. I am here to support him and this addiction is like the last straw off the camel's back for me. He is not in college, no longer has a job and is now dealing with his family fussing over his addiction. I told him numerous times that he needs help and needs something to motivate him so he does not have all of this free time on his hands to experiment with the drugs. His family told him he cannot use the car until my bf earns their trust back and tonight he actually went in his mom's room, stole her car keys and took the car out and said he needed to clear his head but a walk would clear his head too! But the mom said if he doesnt get back soon that she was going to report the car stolen. I felt like he went to go drive to his crack dealer but the mom told me he came home and seemed pretty normal. He does not have friends because he doesnt work or go to school so hes lost touch with everyone else. And the part that kills me about his addiction is that I will ignore him for a day or so and then his mom will call me saying he really needs me and that he gets even more crazier when I dont talk to him. So I get pulled back into the cycle again. I dont want to leave him at this very important time in his life when he needs me, but it is emotionally draining and takes up my every thought. I just want him to get better.
  #9  
Old 10-05-2012, 05:25
makin makin is offline
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Re: boyfriend just started using crack

Ya the crack is all bad and you can't use it responsibly. At least I can't, so I don't.

one hit makes you want another until your out of money or crack.

Then you come down hard harder then any other drug I think. you crave more real bad for hours and it really sucks just a little and you will be OK for a second then it starts over it's hard to stop till your out of shit.

Maybe understanding what he is going through will help. Unerstand that the craving is very intense and hard to fight. Get him away from it for an extended time and he might not go back.
  #10  
Old 10-05-2012, 06:52
crack_is_calling crack_is_calling is offline
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Re: boyfriend just started using crack

Quote:
Originally Posted by makin View Post

one hit makes you want another until your out of money or crack.

Then you come down hard ....... you crave more real bad for hours...

Maybe understanding what he is going through will help...... Get him away from it for an extended time and he might not go back.
Very well put.

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This could have been better said by using the rep system.
  #11  
Old 10-05-2012, 09:21
southern girl southern girl is offline
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Re: boyfriend just started using crack

Hey honey. Im sorry you're going through such a tough time at the moment. Addiction doesnt just affect the addict, it affects their loved ones as well. Sometimes I dont think addicts realize that, atleast not when their in an active addiction.

Makin is right. Craving is unlike anything else. I was addicted to cocaine for about 8mths. I did try crack during that time, but thankfully, I preferred cocaine. But what is crack after all but concentrated cocaine. Anyway. Once you run out of drugs and/or money, you would sell your soul for more. It feels like the most primal of instincts. Like you havent had a drink of water in days and you're so so thirsty- well at that point its beyond a thirst isnt? Well thats what a crack/cocaine craving is like. Its a thirst you cannot quench; a hunger you cannot satisfy no matter how much you eat.

CoolHandLuke has already given you some fantastic advice. To that I cant really add more. One thing I will add though is that unless he really wants the help, he will never get clean. Im not trying to be negative or pessimistic at all when I say I do fear he may not be ready to stop using. What makes me think that is the short amount of time he has been using. As an addict myself, I know the "one last high" thoughts or the "I havent been using long enough". Just keep that in mind. You hear of the rock bottom that addicts normally have to reach before quitting, well there is some truth to that, well a lot of truth to it. Not necessarily "rock bottom" so to speak, but the negatives need to out weigh the positive. Right now the high is probably worth it to him; the high feels good so he's thinking that its positive. But if the negatives- like going broke/building up debts, loosing loved ones i.e. partners(you)/friends/family, loosing everything you hold dear- start to outweigh that good feeling of the high, then you start to want to quit. But as coolhandluke has already said, quitting takes a lot of time and support.

Another thing I want to mention is to make sure and keep yourself guarded. You should be the most important thing to you. You have your nursing school, dont let his addiction take that away. Dont let it destroy that, because unfortunately, that does happen. You set the boundaries here. You tell him whats not acceptable. And stick to it too. Just keep yourself protected, dont let his addiction bring you down and destroy you too. When you love someone, it does happen. Just dont confuse support with letting his addiction touch your life.

Here is a thread about the partner of a cocaine addict. This thread might have some good advice from other members, so give it a read. Also check out our Friends&Family forum in the Addiction&Recovery forum and give a few threads a read. The substance one is addicted to may differ, but the addiction is the same. Also you could check out some threads in the Cocaine Addiction forum to see what some addicts are going through and experiencing, it will help you better understand what your partner is going through. Remember crack is concentrated cocaine.

Thread about the partner of another coke addict:

Tom's going to die very soon if he doesn't stop - Drugs Forum

Friends&Family section:

Family & friends - Drugs Forum

Cocaine addiction section:

Cocaine addiction - Drugs Forum

Just keep your head up girl : ) We are here to support you if you need us. Your partner may need support, but you do too. Its not just hard for him, you have feelings also. You're also going through a really tough time as well. Just dont neglect yourself in all of this and dont let him take you down as well. Dont let this affect your nursing school in any way. That is the most important thing.

I hope Ive helped you some.

SG.xxx

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very thoughtful and thorough reply.
Wonderful compassionate advice.
Great post and absolutely the truth.

Last edited by southern girl; 10-05-2012 at 09:27. Reason: typo
  #12  
Old 10-05-2012, 16:49
coolhandluke coolhandluke is offline
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Re: boyfriend just started using crack

Quote:
Originally Posted by crack_is_calling View Post
It is some help. Crack is a monster! The boyfriend has already stolen $230 to buy crack. The girlfriend has also stated that she is taken for granted by him. .
you first post was about ten words telling her not to trust him, that was my point. if you read my post i elaborated on the money thing some and that is what im encouraging you to do as well. one line posts are often given neg or neutral rep because everyone knows "dont give a crack head money", or "dont drive after you take a bunch of heroin" but its nice to hear from peoples experiences rather than one line posts.

here is an example

"dont call the police on him if he is using"

this is very true but if no one explains why than its not going to do much good. if he gets in trouble with the cops it is going to cause him to loose his job, he will have to inform employers he's had a felony, and it will just compound his problem.

crack is not a monster, crack is crack, an inanimate object. if it turned someone into a monster thats on them, not crack, i smoke crack maybe once a month and its not a big deal for me, i dont clear out my savings when i run out.

that seems more effective than only saying not to call the cops.
  #13  
Old 10-05-2012, 18:45
innocence_1113 innocence_1113 is offline
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Re: boyfriend just started using crack

Thank you for sharing your stories, I appreciate it. I understand that addiction is powerful and that's its easier said than done to quit. When I found out my father was homeless and an alcoholic, that was an alltime low in my life. I live with my mom and stepdad so I never really knew where my dad was until I reached out to his friends and found out the news. I distanced myself from my father because if I didn't see him, his condition wasn't in my mind. But if I saw him alot, I would wonder where is he, is he dead, is he back in jail. My boyfriend also went with me to see my father when I found out his condition that he was homeless so I'm suprised that didn't motivate my boyfriend to stay away from the drugs. My bf tells me he doesn't know why he is doing the crack, he just is and is now dependent on it. It disgusts me because I feel like my future relationships are going to be a mess because the two men I want to change in my life, my bf and father, are the two people I cannot do anything for.
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Old 10-05-2012, 20:14
benji benji is offline
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Re: boyfriend just started using crack

You should know (and probably do) that a LOT of women who have dad's with the issues you describe, find themselves with the same kind of men in relationships. It's a bizarre phenomena, and not a conscious choice, please make certain to keep that in mind as you go through your life. At 20 years old and with little contact with your father thus far, I am not implying that is the case - not saying this is you at all, but there are people, women and men, who think they can change, control or run other people's lives for them. They think if they do certain things, then other people will behave differently (quit drugs). This is like the obsession addicts face thinking they can control their use. It never happens. And the person who is trying to control can become just as mentally sick as the addict. Makes for a real twisted up relationship, sets patterns of behavior for years to come, makes for unhappy people - all not good.
Focus on YOU, take care of your needs, be conscious of the fact that you didn't cause the addictions to the people in your life and you can't cure them. Ever.
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Old 10-05-2012, 20:32
east_of_eden east_of_eden is offline
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Re: boyfriend just started using crack

I really feel for you. This is so sad. I don't want to make it sound like this is a hopeless situation because you never know, but generally, I've never really known anyone to try something incredibly addictive (like crack) and then just stop after a few weeks/month.

If he's been doing this for several weeks without being able to stop even though he is coming up against all kinds of negative consequences, it is unlikely that he will be able to stop until he has really run his course with it. And by that, I mean hitting rock bottom and having things get so bad, he has to be willing to accept help and do whatever he can to change.

I hope this isn't going to be the case, but I know for me, when first using (speed and heroin, not crack, but probably close enough) the feelings were too good and although there were negative consequences, it wasn't enough to want to stop. People can go a long, long time, continuing to endure increasingly bad situations and justify to themselves that it's not so bad, they're still having fun, they will stop, but not yet, etc., etc.

I don't know why we all seem to be such hard heads and can't learn from other people's mistakes. We know what doing these things will lead to but we keep convincing ourselves that it's not that bad yet and we wont let it get as bad as other people have gotten. It is crazy how self destructive we can be.

Only you know what you have to do in this situation. You can stand by him, as long as you have boundaries established about him not using around you, or not asking you for money or taking anything from you (stuff like that) and hope that he comes out of this quickly. If he doesn't, you'll have to reevaluate as time goes on and change your plans according to how things are going.

I agree with what was said earlier that I wouldn't make his life more difficult in ways such as getting police involved or anything that will haunt him for the rest of his life, but for your own good, you'll have to consider the possibility that you might have to distance yourself from this relationship if things don't change.

I'm sure you already know this, but you can't make him change. Some people think if they just "love him enough" he will change but addictions do not work that way. Think of all the people who are parents and addicts at the same time. If wanting to get clean for someone else was enough, this scenario wouldn't exist because I'm sure the average parent (with some exceptions) would never want that kind of life for their child, but that is where the powerlessness comes into play. Wanting to stop using because you love someone isn't always enough.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It is heartbreaking. I wish you and him the best.
  #16  
Old 12-05-2012, 16:00
kailey_elise Gold member kailey_elise is offline
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Re: boyfriend just started using crack

The advice to be somewhat guarded & to create and ENFORCE boundaries is VERY VERY IMPORTANT for your emotional well-being.

You have to take care of yourself first. I mean, if you run yourself ragged & end up sick with exhaustion from neglecting your own needs, you certainly then don't have anything to give in order to help others, know what I mean??

I know it's difficult, but it would be good if you're NOT always at his beck & call. You said, "have done so much for him already and he definetely takes me for granted because when he wants me, I'm there in a heartbeat but I get nothing back in return." and I think that's something you need to keep up front in your mind right now. I'm not saying don't go to him just to not go to him, but make sure you're not cancelling things/skipping classes because he calls & says needs you RIGHT NOW or something. You need to do things to further YOURSELF, because these things will make you feel good & help your self-esteem & sense of self-worth.

It's way to easy to get caught up in an addict's life. Hell, anyone, not just an addict - but addicts tend to have a lot of drama, which is very exciting! you may not always like it, but you gotta admit is never BORING. some people end up "hooked" on the excitement & chaos of the lifestyle, and a non-using partner can get wrapped up in their partner's insanity so that life feels boring & empty if they aren't around. You can love him, but don't let him run your life. It's easy to end up getting cut off from "normal" people & then you get isolated & end up forgetting that this craziness isn't NORMAL. And then the feelings of worthlessness that can come up if the partner keeps using/relapsing...ugh.

Make sure you keep your own life as well. This is important for females in any relationship, but particularly so if you're dating an addict/potential addict.

In the end, only you can decide if you want to stay with someone who's abusing drugs. However, it would be good to draw a line in the sand and NOT step over it (or redraw it, haha). Don't make ultimatums if you don't think you're going to stick with them, because that gives people the idea that they don't have to take what you say seriously and it makes you feel bad about yourself for not sticking to your guns/standing up for yourself.

I think therapy sounds like it might be helpful for you as well, not just for this current issue with the boyfriend.

Good luck, and I wish you all the best that life has to offer,

~Kailey
  #17  
Old 13-05-2012, 02:19
rakeem rakeem is offline
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Re: boyfriend just started using crack

I hate the word crack... Why cant people say "vaporizing free base cocaine" ??

You will not gain anything from other peoples advice. Just do what you feel is right.

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this is very untrue, other peoples experiences will give support and insight
  #18  
Old 13-05-2012, 05:17
Relapse_Rollercoaster Relapse_Rollercoaster is offline
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Re: boyfriend just started using crack

I am sorry if this is not the case for you or if any offense is taken . I only witnessed the ravage that drug does for one year and it was one too many! IMHO you should take the date you found out and go back a month or two. There is usually a secret use period but it gets too hard too maintain. As a previous poster mentioned it is NOT a drug you can use socially or continue to function in mainstream society very long without legal or ethical dilemma s.


This must be awful for you right now. I am sorry If anything I say sticks with you let it be this. Do not go down with this ship! You are not the captain , crack is. If he will not get help seperate yourself. There is nothing you can do besides offer to help find professional help. If mothers leave their children and men suck dick for it you are no match. Take care of yourself and value your sanity.

Best of luck
  #19  
Old 13-05-2012, 12:36
jamajessie jamajessie is offline
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Re: boyfriend is becoming addicted to crack

Quote:
Originally Posted by innocence_1113 View Post
On occasion I have told him that he needs to sort out alot of things that are bothering him and get his priorities straight. His family is very tight on money, so anytime he did make money it went to his parents and then some for himself. So i believe he was feeling very overwhelmed with money, me pressuring him to find something to motivate him in order to stay out of trouble and the fact that he doesnt go to school. He has a very addictive and curious personality which describes an addict. He was willing to try crack once, and I told him one time is all it takes and to not do it. Dealing with an addict is very exhausting especially since I like to control where people go and tell them the right thing to do
I feel for you situation. You're so young, and you shouldn't have to be going through this. You're trying to focus on school and your future nursing career. If I were in your situation I would tell him either get clean or I'm walking. I know you love him, but draw the line. From what I've read it seems you have gave him chances and benefit of doubt before. If he chooses the drugs, get out of the situation. If he doesn't get help and you stay he is just going to drag you down with him. You wont be able to trust him, and a relationship without trust is no relationship at all.

I am a recovering addict. I know what he is going through ( though I never did crack or cocaine) I do know addiction well. It took people getting tough with me and telling me the truth for me to finally see that I was sick. I realized then that I wanted help.


I wish you the best and hope this situation gets better for you.
  #20  
Old 04-07-2012, 21:29
milton5a milton5a is offline
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Re: boyfriend just started using crack

My partner is a crack addict too, I am 26 working full time with a baby.

Please please focus on yourself, I am a coward the life has been sucked out me because of his addiction. Please don't make the same mistake. My sister too is a crack addict and relapse is very high due to the constant cravings.

If you really love him why not make a deal, tell him you will stay with him once he is clean so he has something to fight for. If you help or enable him this could make his addiction worse, although 2 months is not that long.

He may be one of the success stories, partly because of his type 1 condition however being a partner to an addict is not easy, especially if you are not one yourself.

Peace
Milton5a

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