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Tomorrow I start my suboxone detox, so thus I must say a farewell to you for the time being. Unfortunately it may be a long farewell. You have been a good friend, and a passionate love affair. I will miss you more than my soul can bear... You have done amazing things for me and seen me through some incredibly painful times. As much as you have done for me however, sometimes when I cannot afford to give you money day after day, or when I can't figure out what street you're on, you make things very painful for me. I lay in bed aching in pain from what your hateful wrath does to me. But as much as you hurt me and use me for my money I still love you fiercely and I would spend every night with you if I could. I hold dear the memories of long nights spent in the bathroom, and then we lay on the couch and fall asleep together. I cherish these nights and will miss them so. However I now start a new chapter in my life and must take care of myself and heal myself from what you've done to me. So until next we meet, I do this final shot and lay with you one last time. I love you my dearest friend, I wish I could stay longer.
With bountiful amounts of love for you, SWIM
I can't relate exactly to how you're feeling, but I do know the security that opiates can provide mentally and physically. So you are saying goodbye in one breath and till we meet again in another. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. Just make a conscious effort to do the right thing for you every day, hour, or minute if need be.
Take care of yourself, and you will make it. If you're ready....
Cool thread idea. My friend has a letter she wanted me to share:
It's been a few months but I still think about you everyday. You were my first true love and you will always hold a special place in my heart. People tell me to forget about you, to remember all the pain you caused me and in turn, all the pain I caused people because of you. But I can't. Though we had a short run, some of the best and worst moments of my life were with you. You held my hand through all of the bad times but looking back on it now, I realize that you were causing these bad times in the first place. You tortured me so when I left you. I tried to forget you by ridding myself of anything that reminded me of you. I threw away needles, deleted numbers, and dropped our mutual friends. Even after all of this I still hear you calling my name. Sometimes it's all I can do to keep walking in the other direction but I will continue to do so until the torture of your absence becomes more than the happiness I have found in my freedom from you. Hopefully this day won't come but you are a hell of a lover, heroin, and I will never say never.
1st of all - Don't worry. SWIme will take care of her and comfort her and give her love.
2nd - Now, on a serious tone. Congrats on your decision. Really. We might joke around but I can only imagine it is hard to get at the stage SWIY is, let alone having the mindset to take that decision. One MUST be proud of himself and fight the addiction with all his strength.
Hopefully SWIY has read the recovery forums and is totally ready for what he will be facing. I wish SWIY all the best and remind him: "If one person has done it before, I can do it too.". SWIY is not less than anyone, so it will be fine.
OP My friend can relate. This Friday she says goodbye. She till has two more days she will treasure with Heroin. She regrets letting H go, but knows it is for the best right now. She feels she fail however, because she is not 100% ready to say goodbye. Her twisted affair is not one that she is ready to leave in the past. It has helped her so much, but has used her for her money as well, and her bank account has dwindled down to pennies. She wishes she never had to say goodbye . . . she would love to have H with her for always and ever, but heroin is too dangerous and will drag her down a road that she will later regret. Maybe one day when she isn't in so much pain and can control her use, but for now it is so long and farewell.
I wish you luck in detox, it is better to let Heroin go than let it ruin your life. My friend and you both have a long tough road ahead of them. Hold on tight and keep moving forward.
This phenomena of attaching a personna to Heroin makes me wonder which came first the chicken or the egg, or to put it more bluntly, are mentally ill people attracted to heroin use, or do heroin users become mentally ill. I suspect to the initiated this is the ultimate insider joke but to an outsider it is quite off putting. Makes swim cherish his decision to never wander into that end of the pool. Wonder how people who have long since recovered from heroin use view this personna attachment.
I wouldn't say that heroin uers are mentally ill. It is hard to explain. What heroin does for a person, it takes all the pain away. It can destroy your life, but yet it is always there for you. Addiction is a disease, but I wouldn't say that it makes the users mentally ill. Those words are a little harsh. Heroin is the best and worst thing all at the same time. Most people start using heroin, because they have some sort of pain, whether it is physical or emotional. It is amazing how it just takes all of the pain away.
Don't get me wrong the high is amazing too, but the way it releves (sp) pain is like none other. It's like it never existed. My friend started using heroin at 16, I suppose because of the emoitional pain. The pain was at a point where she was able to handle it without the heroin, so she just chipped at it. She stopped using for a good 8 months, and then started up agian, but with depression, and a lot of physical pain as well.
It is hard to say no to something that makes all of the pain go away. She got carried away and within a month, was addicted physically. So she is on day 3 clean. It is hard, so very hard, but to compare drug use and addiction to a mental illness is just wrong.
Heroin comforts you like a friend or a mother. That is why we give it a persona. It is there for you like a friend, but will screw you over more than one could imagine.
So the disease of addiction comes after using heroin, though people may have an addictive personality before they use heroin, but there is something that draws people to heroin, and keeps them coming back. Most who use for the high, aren't as likely to get addicted, but if they continue to use something, sooner or later, will push them to use more fequently, and then the addiction will set in. You won't even realize that it is happening until its too late.
I hope this helped to answer your question Master kahn. It is a hard thing to explain, without having experienced it, and I can see how you would call users crazy, but its the addiction. Heroin is a crazy thing, and impossible to understand.
Thanks for that well measured response and let me say I certainly have a great deal of compassion for people who have been trapped in heroins sticky web; I have read dozens of testimonials here at DF over the past few years and although I have long since decided to never travel down the road of heroin use, I must say this phenomenon of ascribing a personna to H has only galvanized my decision to stay far from her door. Oops, did I just talk about her in the third person, look out I'm getting reeled in, lol.
Yes it is a very strong drug. It has this power to get people hooked, and reel them in, and they don't even realize its happening till they're out of the water. I like that analogy. So true though. My friend walked around with a hook in her mouth for two years or so, and got reeled in very slowly.
I would recommend that anyone who hasn't tried it yet, stay away, once you get hooked, it's not easy to get unhooked. You can get back in the water, but most still have that hook in them, and it is just a matter of time before they start getting reeled in again.
Not only can it seem like you're in a relationship with Heroin (after all, you'll do anything for her, she comes first in your life ALWAYS, you spend a significant amount of time with her, etc etc)...
...you're in a very ABUSIVE relationship with Heroin. It's like being a battered spouse - you know they're just going to be sweet to you for a couple days then go right back to beating the shit out of you on a daily basis, but...but...this time Heroin MEANS it when she says she's gonna be nice, right?