SWIM hasn't been doing drugs for very long but he knows he has a problem. This is going to be a long rambling post. He has a secret life that nobody knows about... and he hopes he can let it go. He just wants to tell his story.
SWIM lives alone, in a new city and doesn't know many people. His girlfriend lives 6 hours away and they see each other at least once a month. She would never think that SWIM would try drugs. Nobody would ever think that SWIM would try drugs. He is 32 and has no history of drug use besides alcohol.
At the end of November he had the chance to get a 1/2g of meth... and despite knowing that he has terrible self-control problems... he did.
Obviously the first time was amazing. 2 days and nights of pure pleasure, euphoria, confidence... But no self control at all. He was not prepared for it.
This was followed by a horrible 3 day depression. Suicidal thoughts.. unable to stop crying. Was the high worth it? Probably...
Two weeks later he had more. This time 1 gram from a different source. It sucked. He felt almost no euphoria. He tried smoking later (was eating and plugging before) and was able to get a bit of euphoria from that... but he took way too much.. started picking at his skin... he spent hours looking for crumbs on the floor.. hours standing looking in the mirror.. The whole weekend sucked.
And it too was followed by horrible 3 day depression. Have no future. Might as well die now. HORRIBLE experience in every way.
Three weeks later and SWIM has a gram from the original source.
WHAT? WHY? He was sure he would never repeat after last time.
This time it was much better.. SWIM decided not to spend any money on strippers this time... SWIM forgot that after he was high.. It was good.. and he made it last longer...
The depression that followed was again insanely bad. SWIM's girlfriend has no idea he uses meth.. she just thinks he's going through terrible depression.
This time SWIM decides to seriously quit. He felt terrible guilt that he couldn't afford a nice christmas gift for his girlfriend this year because he spent the money on Meth. He knows he isn't really addicted yet because he can function just fine without it.. but he thinks about meth all the time.. and lost most other interests. He feels it changing him. The depressions he feels last longer than the highs, and are so bad it doesn't make sense that he would want the drug.
Two weeks later... he finds himself with amphetamine pills. Somehow he told himself he would be able to control himself better with them and it would be OK.
Well.. SWIM just woke up after his latest 3 day binge that started Wednesday night and he took his last dose about 15 hours ago...
He almost bought 1 g of meth while high... that would have been a disaster.
He also overdosed on his last dose... SWIM is a moron who is happy to be alive and hopes he didn't cause too much permanent damage to his brain.
Now SWIM has woken up after sleeping for 7 hours or so. He knows that by tonight the depression will hit and for the next 3 days he'll feel like complete shit. (SWIM tries everything to minimize this... he thinks he suffers worse than the average user)
He wants to stop now before things get worse. He is afraid that in a week or so he will forget all about the suicidal depression, or standing in the cold shower last night thinking he was about to die.
He knows he needs to walk away now and never touch this shit again.
He feels like an idiot because other people have had it much worse than him.. he should be able to just walk away now and be glad that he hasn't progressed into needing meth to feel normal... daily use etc...
He didn't walk into it blind.. he didn't have addiction sneak up on him... he is aware of how his thoughts are changing, how dangerous this is, and that he must stop now.
He doesn't know what he can do more than what he did last time though. He got rid of all his equipment.. he tried to get rid of all his money even.. but those fuckers at work keep paying him...
He hopes today that he still feels this way next weekend. He almost feels like he is three different people.
1) the SWIM who is depressed, desperately wants to turn his life around, loves his girlfriend more than anything. I'm going to meet him tonight. He is a real downer, but at least he is a better person than the next guy.
2) the SWIM who is normal... lazy, unmotivated, can be way to rude to his girlfriend, lives like a slob. Totally fucking away his life. And now he has this big secret life that is starting to take over.
3) the SWIM who is using.. basically a happy masturbation machine who has no impulse control at all.
Thanks for sharing your story here, but mostly you should thank yourself. You've been able to admit to somebody besides yourself what's going on, and that's a huge first step in getting better. Stimulants are sickly addictive in that they will be all you can think about, and the compulsion to redose is so strong that it's easy to get in a constant cycle of OD'ing, feeling better the next day, rinse/repeat...
I don't have much else to say right now. Just remember you are not alone. Other addicts, and espeically those that have got themselves hooked on speed will not look down on you at all for your actions. Just remember not to look down on yourself, you only get one shot at life, don't blow it for a shitty high.
Thanks. Yeah it's a poker reference... I remember being interested in poker before.
This morning I was telling myself that I was never going to use again. I also had quite a bit left. I managed to flush it down the drain, but it was very hard.
I can't believe how fast everything has happened. I knew I should stop before.. but now I'm terrified that I won't be able to.
You need to get yourself involved in some extra curricular activities; groups, club's, church....anything. Sitting at home on your ass isn't going to cut it, as you've proved to yourself.
You sound as though you are determined, and that's good. I have been exactly where you are, but I made the wrong choice. Don't let that happen to you, ok?
I wish I had then the insight you have now, as it may have helped me to stop far sooner than I did.
I felt like nobody had the crash as bad as me, either. And it was fear of that crash, and fear of losing my newly discovered self-confidence, that made me choose the wrong path.
So for many years past that critical fork in the road, I stayed addicted to meth, and it controlled my life. Which is a very long story.
You realize, you are probably going to have to tell? It is your best shot at recovery at this stage, to have others know, who can support you, and help keep you honest. Knowing they know will help, because you won't want to disappoint them, the way you disappoint yourself.
Trust me, love. I do know how you feel.
Then ,you might want to explore what's up with this 'alter personality' you seem to be developing. Don't you think so, perhaps?
And you write very well. Maybe you could explore doing something creative with that.
Best of luck, stay strong! It's worth it in the end.
I didn't reply earlier because SWIM wasn't sure what to say... He wanted to say "oh, don't worry, I'll never try that shit again" but he knew once his brain chemistry returned to normal he would have the (completely irrational) urge to use again.
He did... it comes and goes... it was very strong on Thursday and Friday but he stayed strong. Next weekend would be impossible to use anyway... and SWIM is hoping the cravings will be reduced after that... if not he'll keep fighting. He resisted this weekend, he can resist again. I completely understand how so many people have to really hit rock bottom to quit.
The alternate personality thing was probably a bit much. But when SWIM is using and then when he's depressed after... it's a crazy ride. It's like being Bi-polar x 100 (or not.. no offense to anyone who suffers from that).
Is your friend seeing a doctor to deal with the depression? Or is ab/using meth the only way your friend has tried to cope with being depressed? Your friend should consider a consultation from a mental health professional. If a doctor is able to help your friend manage his shifting brain chemistry with a less harmful, more standardized (in terms of medical standards for production) medication, perhaps your friend would be less inclined to ab/use meth to get the job done. As mentioned by others in this thread, many people have gone through what your friend is going through now. Your friend is not alone in how he feels, and the people that truly care about him will not judge him for his drug use. Encourage your friend to reach out to his family and friends, with their support he will be able to put this behind him. Ask him to take it one day at a time, and keep us updated. Good Luck.
SWIM is only depressed after taking meth. It lasts for several days but...
I can certainly understand why your friend would say this, coming off of meth can be hard on the emotions, but...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Missedflop
SWIM lives alone, in a new city and doesn't know many people. His girlfriend lives 6 hours away.... 2) the SWIM who is normal... lazy, unmotivated, can be way to rude to his girlfriend, lives like a slob. Totally fucking away his life.
Perhaps its worth exploring why your friend has such a negative self image? Moving to a new place and being away from loved ones, especially around the holidays, can be very stressful. Stress is certainly linked to depression. If your friend feels unmotivated while sober, and thinks that this lack of motivation has a negative impact on his life, he may be more prone to justifying the ab/use of meth. Speaking with a counselor, even if your friend thinks he is not depressed at all, may still prove useful.
SWIM has been "sampling" various drugs on and off for the past 30 years -- including crank and meth. But this year, after discovering how to buy it and where to get a pipe, he became an addicted meth fiend within one to two weeks. Unlike other times when SWIM used it, usually with friends, this time he could replenish his supply by himself. And trust me, he did.
"The pain wanes, the pleasure doesn't," someone in NA once told me. In other words . . . even after the nastiest comedown that may have landed you in the ER -- you will have cravings for more meth soon. It seems INSANE, but your brain is now refocused on the substance as a dopamine-releaser -- and it has taken priority in the brain (along with eating, sleeping, sex, etc.) as something you need to survive. (Dopamine is our cave-man-era "reward system" for doing survival-of-the-fittest type stuff, dig?) But, in the case of meth, which floods your system with many times more dopamine than an orgasm, meth now takes the first place survival-slot because your brain has been chemically rewired. (BTW, see the fantastic DVD "Pleasure Unwoven" that explains this process. I bought my copy Amazon.) Everything becomes about getting the drug -- to the detriment of other things that your brain had previously prioritized.
You may find yourself smoking meth one day, having a super-harsh comedown (ER anyone?), flushing the shit, breaking your pipe -- and then the very next morning, going through the trash-can, looking for the shards of your broken pipe and finding the little pieces of meth stuck to the shards of glass . . . and then >shudder< licking those little pieces of glass it to get more into your system. How do I know this? Well, fucking guess. If you do shit like this, you're brain's been rewired already -- you're addicted.
Also, ever found yourself hovering over the floor looking for little pieces of crystal meth that you think you may have dropped, and sampling things from the rug (from a piece of laundry detergent to a booger)? If so, you're brain's been rewired -- and you're addicted.
Ever found yourself driving somewhere (to work, family, or even to an NA meeting) only to have sudden and super-strong cravings on your way? You try to talk to yourself through it in the car, but it doesn't matter. You've already started romancing the drug -- you've texted your dealer, and your on your way to get it. There's no stopping it at that point. If this happens to you -- your addicted.
SWIM has been trying NA meetings and an outpatient rehab program now for the past three months -- but sadly, despite all the hard work and meetings, he hasn't been able to kick meth. He's gone without it for a couple of weeks at a time -- but not long enough to get a NA sponsor who will treat him seriously. He's at least moved from smoking it to plugging it to limit the severity of comedowns and ER visits -- but eventually, he'd like to get off this shit for good.
SWIM just ordered a shitload of Meth Urine tests from the web yesterday -- and plans to have his S.O. test him every two days. These tests may need to last six months to a year. Why? Because he's found that the only thing that stops him from using meth is EXTERNAL DETERRENTS -- in this case, getting caught then getting separated or divorced. SWIM has learned one thing for certain: He will never make up his own mind to stop using meth because The Pain Wains, The pleasure doesn't. The addict's cravings are just too hard to kick without external motivators.
Best of luck to you.
-- Zenfire
P.S. Be careful about fessing up to your GF, by the way. Unless she's really special, meth just has too much of a stigma for her to stick around -- especially if you're in a long-distance relationship.
Learn self control and how to live life beautifully by taking The Vipassana Course available for free at centres around the world. Changed my life. Google it now
SWIM hasn't been doing drugs for very long but he knows he has a problem. This is going to be a long rambling post. He has a secret life that nobody knows about... and he hopes he can let it go. He just wants to tell his story.
SWIM lives alone, in a new city and doesn't know many people. His girlfriend lives 6 hours away and they see each other at least once a month. She would never think that SWIM would try drugs. Nobody would ever think that SWIM would try drugs. He is 32 and has no history of drug use besides alcohol.
At the end of November he had the chance to get a 1/2g of meth... and despite knowing that he has terrible self-control problems... he did.
Obviously the first time was amazing. 2 days and nights of pure pleasure, euphoria, confidence... But no self control at all. He was not prepared for it.
This was followed by a horrible 3 day depression. Suicidal thoughts.. unable to stop crying. Was the high worth it? Probably...
Two weeks later he had more. This time 1 gram from a different source. It sucked. He felt almost no euphoria. He tried smoking later (was eating and plugging before) and was able to get a bit of euphoria from that... but he took way too much.. started picking at his skin... he spent hours looking for crumbs on the floor.. hours standing looking in the mirror.. The whole weekend sucked.
And it too was followed by horrible 3 day depression. Have no future. Might as well die now. HORRIBLE experience in every way.
Three weeks later and SWIM has a gram from the original source.
WHAT? WHY? He was sure he would never repeat after last time.
This time it was much better.. SWIM decided not to spend any money on strippers this time... SWIM forgot that after he was high.. It was good.. and he made it last longer...
The depression that followed was again insanely bad. SWIM's girlfriend has no idea he uses meth.. she just thinks he's going through terrible depression.
This time SWIM decides to seriously quit. He felt terrible guilt that he couldn't afford a nice christmas gift for his girlfriend this year because he spent the money on Meth. He knows he isn't really addicted yet because he can function just fine without it.. but he thinks about meth all the time.. and lost most other interests. He feels it changing him. The depressions he feels last longer than the highs, and are so bad it doesn't make sense that he would want the drug.
Two weeks later... he finds himself with amphetamine pills. Somehow he told himself he would be able to control himself better with them and it would be OK.
Well.. SWIM just woke up after his latest 3 day binge that started Wednesday night and he took his last dose about 15 hours ago...
He almost bought 1 g of meth while high... that would have been a disaster.
He also overdosed on his last dose... SWIM is a moron who is happy to be alive and hopes he didn't cause too much permanent damage to his brain.
Now SWIM has woken up after sleeping for 7 hours or so. He knows that by tonight the depression will hit and for the next 3 days he'll feel like complete shit. (SWIM tries everything to minimize this... he thinks he suffers worse than the average user)
He wants to stop now before things get worse. He is afraid that in a week or so he will forget all about the suicidal depression, or standing in the cold shower last night thinking he was about to die.
He knows he needs to walk away now and never touch this shit again.
He feels like an idiot because other people have had it much worse than him.. he should be able to just walk away now and be glad that he hasn't progressed into needing meth to feel normal... daily use etc...
He didn't walk into it blind.. he didn't have addiction sneak up on him... he is aware of how his thoughts are changing, how dangerous this is, and that he must stop now.
He doesn't know what he can do more than what he did last time though. He got rid of all his equipment.. he tried to get rid of all his money even.. but those fuckers at work keep paying him...
He hopes today that he still feels this way next weekend. He almost feels like he is three different people.
1) the SWIM who is depressed, desperately wants to turn his life around, loves his girlfriend more than anything. I'm going to meet him tonight. He is a real downer, but at least he is a better person than the next guy.
2) the SWIM who is normal... lazy, unmotivated, can be way to rude to his girlfriend, lives like a slob. Totally fucking away his life. And now he has this big secret life that is starting to take over.
3) the SWIM who is using.. basically a happy masturbation machine who has no impulse control at all.
That's his story.
This story is so real. The mistakes people make. A ameoba is going to work 2 hours late right now because he couldnt stop smoking and cleaning his pipe. Hes so high right now his hands are cramping and hes having jitters. Considering going to tne er cause his left arm is knda numb. He hates becoming a dope fish. Doing until theres no more. The keh is to remember tjhat feeling though. Thats the key to quitting. Then after a while u think u can handle it but u never will be able to
This is how I feel. Like it just snuck up on me so fast and I'm living a lie. I hate when people lie to me, but I'm lying by living a double life... Thk abt it all the time, if I'm not using. Figuring.out how much can afford, juggling bills, etc. I just want to be normal and not use itand not crave it anymore
