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  #1  
Old 01-09-2011, 12:37
dreamy dreamy is offline
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wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

Hi everyone,
I have a very stupid problem and, honestly, I donít even know why Iím posting here. Cause, basically, I already know all the answers to the questions that are on my mind. I donít know what more there is, I want to hear. Just somehow I have to get this off my chest and I thought that is the place where I could do that.
[Sorry, this will be a rather long post Ė so if you donít want to read so much, just stop here.]

Since very early in my life, I have had the thought of wanting to try heroin. I donít even know why exactly, but somehow that wish was always there. Now in the last year this has become stronger and I think about it every day.
Iím very sure that I would try it if I ever got the chance, but up to now I never did. Probably Iím really lucky that I donít know anyone who would sell me that stuff and I should be grateful for not getting this ďchanceĒ. But the way I feel, Iím pretty upset that I wonít get to try it anytime soon Ė itís just sooo much on my mind. I have tried to get these thoughts out of my mind; also by reading in these forums and watching movies/documentaries that are supposedly deterrent. However, I have found that all these things make heroin even more interesting to me. I donít know why all the bad things I read/hear donít help me to get rid of these thoughtsÖprobably cause Iím just crazy and stupid.
I know how sick that is, and I understand that those people here who have gone through such a lot of crap cause of heroin, would probably like to hit me or something. But these are my feelings and I just donít know what to do.

The thing is that at first I was telling myself that I would only like to try it once, out of curiosity; then I thought if I liked it I would just use every now and thenÖ.but actually, at the bottom of my heart, I know that I would become addicted.
I've started taking Kratom a few months ago, and even with this "harmless" drug, I find it extremely hard to keep to my once-a-week rule. So why should it be any different with heroinÖ.?!
But despite all this, I know that I would do it, if someone offered it to me or if I could find a way to get some heroinÖ.Itís so f***ing stupid!!! Just canít stop thinking about it....

Well, as I said, I donít know what I expect to get out of posting this Ė but somehow I just had to! Thanks!

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For the courage to make this post and for your honesty
  #2  
Old 01-09-2011, 12:41
rocksmokinmachine Gold member rocksmokinmachine is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

Don't do it. SWIM is going throgh hell now. I have lost my life. My twin brother who had exactly the same oppurtunities in life as me has everything. I have been left with nothing. I am still lucky to have my significant other.

Does the shi**s, vommiting, uncontrolable shakes, cold sweats, goosebumps, hot flushes, aches and pains that will not go away, muscle spasms, semi-perminant insomnia, anxiety, suicidal thoughts sound like fun to SWIY?

Not to mention HIV, Hepititis C, Hepititis B and other BBV...

Try it, you will love it. But few ever give it up. I've lost count of the people I've brought back to life after overdosing.
  #3  
Old 01-09-2011, 12:50
tweek411 tweek411 is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

Please don't try Heroin. Its highly addictive and it will grab you. SWIM is an ex black tar addict and it will take over your life fast and ruin it. You will never forget that amazing high. PLEASE DON'T DO IT! Even if you stay clean the constant temptation hits you due to how good it felt. And im not glamorizing the high. It will take your Money, Family, Respect, And your Life. Please SWIM is an ex black tar addict. Just NO! Don't do it. Please.

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Really powerful and heartfelt post
  #4  
Old 01-09-2011, 13:59
runnerupbeautyqueen runnerupbeautyqueen is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

You want to try heroin but you don't know why? That's like taking a math test and saying the answer is 6 but you didn't even read the problem. How do you know you want to try heroin if you don't know why? And unless your question is "how can I fuck up my life completely in the shortest amount of time" heroin is the wrong answer.

I have some ideas as to why you came to this answer. But I'm working backwards. Since your answer is six the question could be 3+3, 7-1, 2x3, etc. Since there are so many possibilities my goal with this post is not to get the right question but to help you find the right one as this is a answer for which only you know the correct question.

In my psychology class we were taught that negative feelings usually boil down to fear. Ex. You're angry because you think your girlfriend is cheating on you = you fear losing her. You're stressed because you have a test = you fear that you may fail. Do you get where I'm going here? In my opinion you should try to dissect your feelings to get the root. So lets see if we can help you work it out.

First off something is missing from your life. This is apparent because your solution is to add something (heroin) instead of taking something out of your life (like ending a bad relationship).

What does heroin mean to you? When you think about it what do you feel, excited, nervous, angry? Do you see it as a way kill pain? A way to walk on the wild side? A way to commit slow suicide?

If you see it as a pain killer, I think it would be logical to assume you're in pain. Maybe you're depressed? If this is the case then you have a ton of options. Antidepressants, exercise, meditation, socialization, anything that makes you feel good.

Do you see it as exciting and dangerous? Then you're probably feeling bored with your day to day routine. Think about something that scares you, heights, spiders, whatever, and confront it. Go sky diving, scuba diving, talk to the the most attractive guy at the party. You get the idea.

Do you see it as a way to hurt yourself? This may sound crazy but have you heard of thanatos? It's basically the idea that everyone has a sub conscience death wish and that is what drives us to take risks. Do you have a self destructive personality? Have you ever suffered from an eating disorder, self mutilation, etc? If so I think you're best bet would be to seek professional help as you may have an undiagnosed medical/personality disorder and if / once you got a proper diagnosis (pretty much what I'm attempting to do here) like borderline, bi polar, dissociative, or whatever then your doctor would know what type of medication/therapy to get you turned on to.

I hope this didn't come off as prying as I don't expect you to post an answer to all my freakin questions, I just want you to think about why it is you are so hell bent on trying heroin. Since you don't know why, maybe you don't even want to do it. Speaking from personal experience, my reason for trying heroin was for all the reasons I just listed. But you already know it didn't satisfy any of them, it just made them worse. The pain I was trying to kill? Not only did it not die, I just fed it until it became the horrible monster that is withdrawal. Not to mention the emotional pain, the people I've hurt, a disease I'll likely have the rest of my life, the shame and disgust from the things I did out of desperation that Ill never be able to undo. So if you see it as a pain killer, its not. It is the pain you already feel times a thousand.

As for the exciting/dangerous factor, I sure didn't feel excited doing the same exact thing every day. Thinking the same exact thoughts, every day. Knowing that I couldn't travel, couldn't get a better job, couldn't be honest with anyone, you can't do anything except the heroin and things focused around it. It didn't matter if I had ninety nine shots lined up because before I did the first one I was terrified what would happen when I got to ninety eight. Excitement is facing and overcoming fears. Heroin is living with your hands over your eyes, afraid of everything.

Do you want to kill yourself slowly? Heroin will get you there a lot quicker. If you don't contract hiv or hep c, if you don't get a bad batch, if you don't put a gun to your head during withdrawal, if you don't get shot when you're in the wrong neighborhood, well then you didn't succeed in killing yourself. If you want to die young die doing something you love, or for a cause, or hell any other way than becoming a sad statistic of a failed war. You seem like a very intelligent person. I think you need to ask yourself some hard questions and be honest with yourself.

Feel free to let me know if I touched on anything that could be true or if I'm way off base feel free to tell me that as well. Either way if you ever want to talk feel free to PM me.

Post Quality Evaluations:
Solid and concise post. Excellent points made
Fantastically well-written & in-depth post; many questions for the OP (& any others who come by with similar thougths) to consider. Very well done.
A really, really, really fantastic post! Great harm reduction and gives the OP ALOT to think about. Absolutely wonderful.
perfectly correct and thought-provoking post - thank you so much
Powerful and insightful
Well written and well thought out. Wish I could have read something like this before my own experience with heroin
  #5  
Old 01-09-2011, 14:43
mant1911 mant1911 is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by dreamy View Post
Hi everyone,
I have a very stupid problem and, honestly, I donít even know why Iím posting here. Cause, basically, I already know all the answers to the questions that are on my mind. I donít know what more there is, I want to hear. Just somehow I have to get this off my chest and I thought that is the place where I could do that.
[Sorry, this will be a rather long post Ė so if you donít want to read so much, just stop here.]

Since very early in my life, I have had the thought of wanting to try heroin. I donít even know why exactly, but somehow that wish was always there. Now in the last year this has become stronger and I think about it every day.
Iím very sure that I would try it if I ever got the chance, but up to now I never did. Probably Iím really lucky that I donít know anyone who would sell me that stuff and I should be grateful for not getting this ďchanceĒ. But the way I feel, Iím pretty upset that I wonít get to try it anytime soon Ė itís just sooo much on my mind. I have tried to get these thoughts out of my mind; also by reading in these forums and watching movies/documentaries that are supposedly deterrent. However, I have found that all these things make heroin even more interesting to me. I donít know why all the bad things I read/hear donít help me to get rid of these thoughtsÖprobably cause Iím just crazy and stupid.
I know how sick that is, and I understand that those people here who have gone through such a lot of crap cause of heroin, would probably like to hit me or something. But these are my feelings and I just donít know what to do.

The thing is that at first I was telling myself that I would only like to try it once, out of curiosity; then I thought if I liked it I would just use every now and thenÖ.but actually, at the bottom of my heart, I know that I would become addicted.
I've started taking Kratom a few months ago, and even with this "harmless" drug, I find it extremely hard to keep to my once-a-week rule. So why should it be any different with heroinÖ.?!
But despite all this, I know that I would do it, if someone offered it to me or if I could find a way to get some heroinÖ.Itís so f***ing stupid!!! Just canít stop thinking about it....

Well, as I said, I donít know what I expect to get out of posting this Ė but somehow I just had to! Thanks!
Well thank you for posting and sharing your story here. I had very similar problem like yours and I tried it. I tried snorting maybe 10 times then switched to IV use when i got 29g insulin needles. I usually IV it once ir twice a week. However I don't find it very addictive maybe because it is not my drug of choice or because I like being sober and doing stuff and not wasting time doing nothing while on heroin. Well sometimes it gives me a lot of energy but still i somehow can't manage to do my chores. So you are saying that you find kratom very addictive? I don't really know what that is but I assume it is probably other much weaker opiate than heroin so if you cant keep your use to once - twice a week you would have a really big problem with heroin. I would suggest you going to psychiatrist and trying to find out why you want to do this drug. Or at least try to think very hard on yourself. Maybe you want to escape from some of your problems or you just want to relax or have fun ? Well if you are going to try it all i would suggest to you is to read everything about how to keep recreational usage, about overdoses, cuts, safe intravenous injection technique (if you are going to use needles) and copping (to prevent scams you might get into while trying to get some H), also remember its taste which is bitter and smell witch is vinegar. Well I hope this helped. If you have any more questions please don't hesitate to ask.
  #6  
Old 01-09-2011, 14:52
missparkles missparkles is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

Firstly, Kratom is not a "harmless" drug...go read the problems people are having who have used it, once they try to stop? Kratom has an opiate type effect, so in a way, you already know what heroin will feel like? And as you say, if you're struggling with keeping to your once weekly dose of Kratom, trust me, you'd find it nigh on impossible to not use heroin a second time?

You know I sometimes wonder if reading posts by heroin addicts who are still in the "active" phase of their addiction, watching video's about heroin, you know, all the things that you think are deterrents, may quite easily be adding to this craving you have to actually try heroin? I know, after talking to others about this, they've found that this can happen?

At the end of the day, if you wanna try heroin, you'll find a dealer, even if you know none now? Cos you managed to work out how to get hold of Kratom, didn't you? It's not that much harder, and in some places a damned lot easier. You know taking heroin, and expecting not to get hooked is like playing Russian Roulette with a loaded revolver, and expecting not to get shot.

You will get shot, and you will become addicted, especially considering your propensity to enjoy that opiate feeling you get from Kratom. And both could end in the same way.

I can't tell you any more than the posters before me have, and all have some excellent advice to offer. All I can say is stop reading the heroin forums, stop watching documentaries and videos about heroin, and go over to the Recovery and Addiction forums, and begin to read them? Then keep on reading, then read some more.

That will give you a better idea of just what its like to try heroin, in fact all opiates, cos they come with the same baggage. Stop reading about what its like to use, and start learning about the consequences of using? Perhaps that will help you understand that there's a flipside to this coin? Pros as well as cons?

If you need to know anything else, or just want to chat about it, feel free to PM me.

Sparkles.

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Bang on advice, as always
  #7  
Old 01-09-2011, 15:37
dreamy dreamy is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

Thank you all for your really nice and thoughtful answers!!!

@runnerupbeautyqueen: Actually all you said is right.
There is actually something missing in my life...or in fact everything...
I want the "pain" (psychological pain, depression, whatever) to go away and that is something that even Kratom can do for me. I do want some excitement as my life is simply boring and stupid and meaningless. And maybe in some way I do have kind of a death wish (but I don't actually wanna kill myself!), it's just that I'm almost more scared of life than death....
Actually this all comes to my mind, now that you said it. Somehow I never thought about this, but it's just so true.
As for the alternatives, I have tried many of them. I've been to a psycholgist, and took antideppressants - didn't really help me, though (kratom seems to help me more...). The diagnosis was anxiety disorder and depression accompanied by psychsomatic symptoms.
I also did some exercise and I'm really forcing myself to go out and do some things other than sitting at home and thinking about how f***ed up my life is. I also did some exciting stuff similar to skydiving (also I was traveling a lot). It just didn't change anything or only for a short time.
Well, anyways, at least you made me think about all this, which I'm really grateful for.

@mant1911: Thanks for your advice. I really envy you for being able to use heroin recreationally. But I know, I most probably couldn't...as you can see with my kratom problem (kratom is not actually an opiate, but has similar, but much weaker effects).

As for all the horrible stories of heroin addiction - I have read them too (over and over again) and tried to take them as a warning. And I can't imagine how stupid I have to sound to all of you. But the truth is, I don't really care much. I don't mean about the others - I do care and I wish you all the best!!! I just don't care much when it comes to myself. Yes, somehow I am scared about addiction (even with Kratom), but on the other hand I'm really just as scared of living my life like it is now. Sorry, it's stupid, but that's how I feel.

And about Kratom being "harmless": I meant compared to real opiates or heroin. I know myself how psychologically addictive it is (at least to me). But where I live ar least it is legal - that's also why it's much easier to get hold of that.


Well, sorry for that much too long post and sorry for bothering you with my problems. I would just not dare to talk about any of this anywhere but in an anonymous internet forum!

Thank you soooo much!!!
  #8  
Old 01-09-2011, 17:09
fuzelogic fuzelogic is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

SWIM has friend who is addicted now from high school and has seen this person GO APESHIT on EVERY DRUG and was fairly o.k. for the most part including meth for multiple days.

SWIM knows they could handle their SHIT on drugs, and had no problem or nervousness with interacting with the cops just after snorting an 8 Ball of coke, if pulled over.

SWIM now hears this person is addicted and having ALL the troubles listed in this post and in the heroin forum.

SWIM knew this person was able to handle their drugs before heroin. SWIM says it took about 24 months from going to party for wedding and now the person is in rehab trying to kick.

SWIM was not too suprised about the friend, but SWIM is just trying to show the power of this drug and that it must be respected at all costs

Last edited by fuzelogic; 01-09-2011 at 17:15.
  #9  
Old 01-09-2011, 18:20
LoveNwar LoveNwar is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

Contrary of all, i have another solution: you can run from your demon all your life, but you will never win if you don't face him! Get some H, smoke it (it's better not to IV right away), actually smoke a great deal, then barf your guts out, go to bed with a nasty headache and sleep for 2 days straight. There! That should be your experience. You'll feel relived. You finally tried it, hated it, and took it out of your mind...

...or not.

Post Quality Evaluations:
I understand your point but this is a harm reduction site and suggesting someone who has no tolerance smokes "a great deal" of Heroin is dangerous advice
Although I can see your point not everyone feels that way after taking heroin for the first time. A lot of people go back and by the sounds of it he needs talking out of taking it in the first place not talking into it
That's the most ridiculous piece of advice I've EVER seen!!
It is dangerous to tell a non-tolerant user to "smoke a great deal" of Heroin; many additional off-topic replies in the remainder of the thread. It might be a good idea to re-read the Site Rules & FAQ to see how DF operates...
extremely dangerous advice
  #10  
Old 01-09-2011, 19:07
Space Numpty Space Numpty is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

A couple of points i'd like to make here

i) You seem to feel Kratom is "harmless" compared to real opiates. It is not. Whilst it is legal etc it is easily as potent as Codeine, infact i've had Kratom experiences that where similar to Morphine. Im lucky, i dont get bad withdrawal from Codeine or Kratom but there are people here who have had very real addiction and withdrawal issues with this substance. In my opinion using it once, even twice a week is unlikely to cause problems (as long as you are not using extracts, only plain leaf), but dont underestimate it.

ii) I understand your curiosity regarding heroin but if you decide to try it be aware that the chances of that being the last time are miniscule. The chances are that within time you will have a massive daily habit, will have turned to IV'ing and will be selling your pussy to greasy old men to get your next fix. Thats the reality of it. If that sounds like the life for you, then go for it.

A poster above suggested you smoke a "great deal" of heroin so you puke your guts up, with the idea that this will put you off it for good. Every junkie or recovering addict here will tell you the first time they tried H they where sick, but they went back for more. With that in mind i suggest you completely ignore this advice.
  #11  
Old 02-09-2011, 00:31
dreamy dreamy is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

Hi again,
I don't think that even one bad experience with heroin would get these thoughts off my mind...I would probably just try again with a little less. [Maybe it's a stupid comparison, but it was the same with alcohol - the first time I got drunk, I got really sick - but it didn't keep me from trying again...]
But the thing you are right about, LoveNwar, is that I can speak for myself and indeed I appreciate everyone's comments. Nevertheless, I think the forum's rules should be respected and harm reduction is important.
What I really want is a pleasant experience with heroin, though I know that - in the long run - this would probably be the worst thing I could experience. This sounds sooo stupid and contradictory - but these are my thoughts...

I really don't want to upset anyone here, as I am thankful for any kind of advice....but in the end I know it is my decision. If I get the chance, I have to decide for myself what's the best thing to do. (Only, I don't think that I will get it anytime soon). I am the only one responsible for my actions. But still, it feels good to talk to someone about all my thoughts, even on the internet (or maybe only there?!). I am really grateful for all of your answers and the opportunity to say/write what's on my mind!!

About me being a "she" - that`s right (thanks for mentioning it, Space Numpty - you als posted in my kratom thread, right?), but in the end, does it really matter? I don't know.....

Well, I don't know if kratom is that "harmless", but it seems to be more harmless than heroin and at the moment it just gives me a little bit of peace...still, the thought of something even better than that is tempting for me....I don't underestimate Kratom, on the contary - I have already experienced how hard it is not to take it more often than once a week, and I certainly believe that withdrawal can be horrible if you use it every day....but in the end that just reinforces my wish to try heroin - I have already taken the first step- so why not just try heroin?

I'm really sorry, I'm also a bit drunk right now, so maybe all I'm writing is just bs.....but usually when I'm drunk, I just feel it's easier to say what I really think....

Well, thank you again (again, again) for everything...I just don't know what to do anymore....thank you and sorry for bothering you (actually I don't even deserve your answers)....
  #12  
Old 02-09-2011, 03:48
xJSL xJSL is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

The OP's attitude towards trying heroin seems like an early warning sign of potential addiction. Not to say that not everyone can get addicted (as everyone most definitely can), but a mindset of always wanting to try it since you were younger may precipitate into a hardcore 100% life and soul stealing addiction.

In psychology it is obvious that certain traits can cause a person more predisposed to addiction, and I strongly believe having an attitude as that will really get you in some deep shit.
Peace

~snr
  #13  
Old 02-09-2011, 05:20
Motorfreak231 Motorfreak231 is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

Im CERTAINLY no professional, but I think a big root of the OPs problem is a serious self-esteem problem? The way she comments that she "doesn't deserve" our comments is throwing red flags, to me anyways.

Sweetie, this is exactly the place you need to be. I can speak for us all when I say that we WELCOME your questions. No question is stupid, and we will do our damn best to help you reconsider your choice to "pick up". And if there's no swaying you in your self destructive endeavor, we can at least help you to avoid the risks of negative outcomes of improperly using your DOC (Abscesses, OD, infection, etc etc)

Again the cons are a million. The pros, well PRO=1. The only good aspect is feeling good for a couple hours... is 2-4 hours of feeling good worth losing your money, your health, family, respect, dignity, YOUR LIFE? ? Ultimately however, you'll do what you wish. I can only ask and hope that you stick with this forum, as we will try and help reduce your risk of damaging yourself , regardless your final decision on the topic.

We will always be here to help you to make the "right " choice. And should you decide to take that dangerous leap....well we are STILL here for you!

Good luck, and STAY SAFE!!
-J

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very supportive post - thanks!
  #14  
Old 02-09-2011, 10:04
dreamy dreamy is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

Thank you so much, all of you! Your answers are really really nice! (Sorry for repeating myself, but can't be said often enough!)
As for "i don't deserve you answers", I just feel bad to take so much of your time and everything, when there are lots of people with much greater problems than me and I'm just repeating the same things over and over again.

There's just one more thing I'd like to ask, which again sounds stupid to me and is probably just naive, but still. Motorfreak231, you said that there is only one pro, that of feeling good for a few hours. Firstly, that is at least something...but what I'm really thinking about is, there just has to be something "good" about it, otherwise you wouldn't become addicted, right? I mean even people who have stopped taking heroin (and got through withdrawal and everything) often start using again...so there must be something that makes them feel it is worth it....?! Or am I completely wrong?
Well, for now I'll have to stick to Kratom anyways and just hope to get through the days and maybe have some good times in between...

Anyways, I am glad that I found this forum and all you people! Thanks for your efforts!
  #15  
Old 02-09-2011, 10:48
JohnnyKnodoff JohnnyKnodoff is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

Read what I say and really think about it. Sometimes it's hard to really take things seriously, especially something over the internet or something that you haven't personally experienced. If it wasn't, there wouldn't be heroin addicts in the first place, as we've all ignored the warnings.

With that said, if I could take back everything I've experienced with heroin, all of the pleasure, the life experiences, and the pain, I would do it instantly. I honestly believe if it wasn't for heroin, I would be very successful in life. I had a good upbringing, good parents, every opportunity. I thought I could control it, or that it wouldn't happen to me. I did control it more or less for about 7 months.

Fast forward 6 years. I've been on methadone for 2 of the last of these. I've gained alot of weight from the methadone, I'm always tired, I feel depressed, I feel empty. I can't accept that I will never get to experience an opiate high again. Methadone is easier to me than getting clean, and I still hate it. I'm a convicted felon, I've lost all of my friends to death, prisons and burned bridges. My family life has fallen apart. I don't know how to live anymore. I'm scared everyday of how this will all turn out. I tell myself everything will be okay, but will it? I don't know.

The point I'm trying to make is that when I was 17 and just turned 18, a week before I started using heroin casually, my life was great. I was happy, in a good relationship with my girlfriend, parents, brother. I was starting college. That is all gone. I can't even relate to the person I was then. All of this, because of how "good" heroin is.

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This one of the best harm reduction messages I've read for quite a time. I was moved by the posters humility in expressing his fall from success to addiction.
Excellent personal story which might have a chance of making someone think twice before going down that road.
Excellent post that is honest & humble. Very brave for sharing such personal and painful thoughts and experiences.
well-expressed & heartfelt. thanks for sharing this experience in hopes of showing the OP the reality of the lifestyle...
Thanks for sharing that honest and personal story!
Fab post, and so true. You'll get through it JohnnyKnodoff - you have to
  #16  
Old 02-09-2011, 12:01
missparkles missparkles is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

Rereading back through every post you've written , all you do is call yourself stupid. You apologise for your stupid questions, your stupid answers, your stupid ideas, or your stupid thoughts. In your very first post you advised everyone that it was gonna be a long post, so if they didn't want to bother reading one, that was ok? You continually apologise throughout the thread Dreamy. Now that's not wrong at all, but along with that very telling admission that you've had antidepressants and even seen a psychologist it does give others a better idea (if you read between the lines) what could be going on with you.

Sweetheart, I know how you feel, I've spent the best part (and I do mean best) of my life thinking I wasn't worth anything. Hell, my self esteem was so low that in rehab I couldn't even shout up a flight of stairs to call someone to the phone my confidence was that low. It was like I was scared to make my voice heard as that would draw attention to me, then I'd be noticed. I didn't deserve to be noticed. But it does leave you feeling that life is worthless, the external begins to reflect the internal. Everything around you mirrors what's going on inside of you. I think that's maybe just where you are right now?

What to do now...that is the hardest question you could possibly ask? Off the top of my head I think reconnecting with that psychologist would be the very best advice I could give. Because I really believe that even if this problem can't be completely cured atm, along with different antidepressants, then maybe some kinda cognitive therapy to supplement the meds, you will feel differently in the future. I know you've already done this, but sometimes just a few chats with a psychologist and some antidepressants don't work, the issues you have need a more aggressive type of treatment. That can only be given by a trained professional.

Go back, tell them just how you're thinking now, even about the desire to try heroin to alleviate these feelings. If you're not completely honest with them, they can't help, can they? But please, don't try heroin before doing this, if you do I promise your life will change, but not in ways that you would value. The consequences of that choice could even leave you far worse of that you are today.

Sparkles.
  #17  
Old 02-09-2011, 15:13
postimmortal postimmortal is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

Hey there. I just wanted to let you know, I kinda know how you feel. I don't want to say exactly, because I guess that is impossible. But I am on kratom, as a maintanence tool. I've gotten off much heavier opiates with the help of kratom. Suboxone even, which is hell to come off of. The wanting to use heroin is normal. Being afraid to live sober is normal. Life is boring. I would love to use heroin, just to get away from this mundane shit. It almost feels as if it would give you a purpose.

But the important thing is that you see, and recognize the consequences that come with using and addiction. Heed those horror stories you read about. Don't live a broken life as those you read about. There's something beautiful about heroin addiction, at least to me. (I'll probably catch hell for saying that) But it's different when your on the other side.. When you're actually living it.

Just know that you and I are probably not the only one's who have had these feelings and thoughts.

Take care and stay smart.

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Thanks for sharing your experience and thoughts! Always good to know that others think similarly!
  #18  
Old 02-09-2011, 17:40
dreamy dreamy is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

@JohnnyKnodoff: thanks a lot for sharing your experiences. I'm really sorry for everything you have been through and I wish you all the best for the future! I hope that everything will be alright for you some time soon!!
I don't want to ignore all the warnings and I'm sure you are right - you know what you are talking about. I just can't get that stupid idea out of my mind...

@missparkles: Probably, I should do that; I was thinking about going to a psychologist again. But the thing is I never managed to tell my last one what I really thought or felt. I just couldn't. It's so embarrassing and really hard to tell your most secret thoughts and feelings to a complete stranger. So most of the time I was just sitting there saying nothing - cause I just couldn't. And I've been going there once a week for 1 1/2 years...Actually this forum is the only place it's kind of possible for me to speak about these things...
The thing about my self-esteem is probably also true, but it has been like that for years...and now that you mentioned it, I also apologize a lot in real life (actually some of my friends have told me already)...
How can it be that you all know so much about me that I never really thought about....well, but thanks for sharing your thoughts!!

@postimmortal: Thank you too. It's good to know that I am not the only one thinking like that. And I actually agree with everything you wrote. That life is boring [and scary], that heroin would somehow give it a purpose and I can totally relate to your sentence that there's something beautiful about heroin addiction - though I would have never dared to put it that way...sorry, it must sound so disrespectful...but I just have to agree.
  #19  
Old 02-09-2011, 18:04
missparkles missparkles is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

That's the idea of psychotherapy, you have to go for a fairly long time, cos you have to build a relationship with your psychologist. To be honest, if after six weeks to a month you don't feel even a little bit comfortable talking to them, then maybe its time to look for another? But never stay for a year and a half if it's not working love. Sometimes you know there are people you can talk to and people you just can't, and that's no different with your psychologist.

I know when I went to one it took a while for me to get used to their way of talking, asking questions, basically the way they operate in a conversation. Then I was given options to choose from, things she thought might help me, one of which was CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which basically challenges that internal record that we all have and all play to ourselves over and over. You know, that little inner voice that tells you you're just not good enough?

Well I'm here to tell you that the inner voice is talking BS, and it can be changed to a nurturing voice. One that enables you, encourages you, supports you. But you have to believe it, and CBT can help with this. There are other therapies that can accompany psychotherapy. One I found really helpful was keeping a personal diary of how I was getting on. Cos rereading where you've been, and where you are now, the distance traveled, can be a fantastic way to give your confidence a huge instant boost.

In a week or so, when you've read the forum a little, got comfortable, you'll begin to post things that will support others. You'll also possibly be given reputation marks and comment for the posts you've written. When you have a few positive reputation marks go back and reread them. See how much better that can make you feel? You see words can help enable and encourage you, especially your own. Now I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just offering some advice based on what you've told me already.

Ultimately, that final choice is up to you, but remember that it is a choice, and it doesn't have to be heroin. There are always other options, nothing is ever, ever that bad that the only choice you have, is to use heroin.

Take care and stay safe love.

Sparkles.

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beautifullywritten & full of excellent information as well as support
very supportive - thanks!
  #20  
Old 02-09-2011, 18:06
JohnnyKnodoff JohnnyKnodoff is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

Dreamy, if nothing else is gained from this thread, I think it's good evidence of how dangerous the tightrope you're considering walking is based on how many of us have felt the need to chime in and more or less warn you of what is very likely (though not guaranteed) going to happen. My post was made with nothing but love and I truly hope that you don't make the wrong decision, although I know that when I was in your shoes, I did, so I wouldn't blame you.

As has already been said though, if you do decide to walk that tightrope, based on you seeming fairly predisposed to addiction, you're going to fall at some point. For alot of us, that fall is into the grave, a prison cell, a mattress in an abandoned house or just an empty life. Heroin will give your life purpose. The purpose of your life will be to scratch and claw everyday to try to make the score happen again. Then the purpose will be the same 12 hours later. Day after day. Month after month. Year after year. Your days will consist of a few hours of pleasure and the rest of the day will generally be filled with anxiety, fear, pain, discomfort, depression, the list goes on.

I truly am sending these messages with nothing but kindness as this isn't propoganda of any kind and I'm only sharing my life experience and the experiences of the many, many friends who have died (including my best friend that died in my shower) and hope that everything turns out okay. If you do decide to walk the tightrope, at least stay here so we can possibly help you not kill yourself in the process. If things do get really bad at some point, there is always hope and people have gotten out.

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Good post from the heart and spoken with experience
  #21  
Old 02-09-2011, 18:25
missparkles missparkles is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

Listen sweetheart, best thing to do is to think about what people have told you, give it some long hard thought. Then consider your options, all of them (you do have more than just one)...then make an informed decision. If you want to have a life as opposed to merely existing from one score to the next then you know what you need to do. Stay safe love.

Sparkles.

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Short, sweet and to the point. Very good advice given here, letís hope the op heeds these warnings.
  #22  
Old 02-09-2011, 21:07
mant1911 mant1911 is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

Quote:
Originally Posted by dreamy View Post
@JohnnyKnodoff: thanks a lot for sharing your experiences. I'm really sorry for everything you have been through and I wish you all the best for the future! I hope that everything will be alright for you some time soon!!
I don't want to ignore all the warnings and I'm sure you are right - you know what you are talking about. I just can't get that stupid idea out of my mind...

@missparkles: Probably, I should do that; I was thinking about going to a psychologist again. But the thing is I never managed to tell my last one what I really thought or felt. I just couldn't. It's so embarrassing and really hard to tell your most secret thoughts and feelings to a complete stranger. So most of the time I was just sitting there saying nothing - cause I just couldn't. And I've been going there once a week for 1 1/2 years...Actually this forum is the only place it's kind of possible for me to speak about these things...
The thing about my self-esteem is probably also true, but it has been like that for years...and now that you mentioned it, I also apologize a lot in real life (actually some of my friends have told me already)...
How can it be that you all know so much about me that I never really thought about....well, but thanks for sharing your thoughts!!

@postimmortal: Thank you too. It's good to know that I am not the only one thinking like that. And I actually agree with everything you wrote. That life is boring [and scary], that heroin would somehow give it a purpose and I can totally relate to your sentence that there's something beautiful about heroin addiction - though I would have never dared to put it that way...sorry, it must sound so disrespectful...but I just have to agree.
Well I just want to answer that some of us know so much about you because we were in similar situation as you are right now. Most of all I think had some kind of psychoogical problems (like you do right now)and probably have them when not on heroin. Well you see, no one just starts using heroin out of a blue its something like escape from this world or in other words pleasant at first then nightmarish slow suicide. I can suggest once more for you to try find better psychiatrist, or get some medications to help deal with your problems, or start some activity (sport or something like that) or find a boyfriend.

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Very good real life options for the OP to try rather than just take heroin.
  #23  
Old 02-09-2011, 22:57
missparkles missparkles is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

Ok, firstly let me say that I'm not trying to hit you with a load of psychobabblish BS here, I'm not attempting to diagnose you (I have no qualifications for that) or take this to any deeper level than we've already kinda touched on. But I've been pondering on this for the last couple of hours, even though I've been away from my keyboard doing something else.

Could it be that you thought if you came to a forum where there are people who use heroin, they'd understand just why you feel the way you do and why you want to try heroin. Cos after all, they must have been in your shoes at one time, right? So I'm gonna ask the question, and if I have it totally wrong I apologise beforehand.

Could it be you've already made your decision, and you need permission (read understanding for permission) cos you're just afraid to take that first step, part of you not wanting to use, but a much larger part of you has decided to anyway? If someone came into this thread and said they understood just where you're coming from cos they did the same, would that take a little of the responsibility off of your shoulders?

In your head there's a little battle going on, and you can say to yourself "well, if ****** used heroin cos they're just like me, then so can I?"

This complete post may seem like utter crap to you, but I've never met an addict yet that dived into heroin use without just the tiniest bit of apprehension first. You see, I can't get my head around why you want to do this, why you're even asking the question when you have so many real life options that are preferable to using heroin. This is the only reason I could come up with in the last couple of hours.

Ok, that's all I got. And again, I'm not a drug counselor and have no formal qualifications that would enable me to come to this conclusion, but its been going around and around in my head, so I needed to post this. Again apologies if you think this is crap ok?

I just care is all and I really want to try to help you figure this out, so a little brainstorming won't do any harm, will it?

Sparkles.
  #24  
Old 02-09-2011, 23:20
eisenheim eisenheim is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

SWIY has this obsessive thought about heroin, as if it's some kind of a glamorous awesomeness that will make everything perfect. And that is somewhat close to reality.. it does make things perfect, but only temporarily. Has SWIY thought everything through, realistically? SWIY realizes that heroin is sometimes carried in unhygienic environments (dealers' ass/mouth), right? That it's cut with a bunch of shit you are not even aware of.

Did SWIY plan out how SWIY is going to do it? Like: where, when.. how to smoke it, how to hide your use? How SWIY is going to score it? How much time the whole scoring process will take out of regular time.. again and again?

What if SWIY gets caught with possession charges?

Has SWIY planned out being addicted to it, e.g. crying/being in pain/sweating through the pillows/crapping your pants once dopesick (yeah, what a glamorous drug indeed)? How SWIY is going to kick it, e.g. locating where the nearest rehab is (and having enough money to through it)/having enough kratom or weed to get through withdrawals, and what do with your mind after it has been FLUSHED WITH OPIATES?

If SWIY really thinks the whole thing through, several years ahead perhaps, then perhaps SWIY will realize that heroin is not worth the effort and is just like an advertising for a Big Mac: yeah, it looks tasty and awesome on the posterboard but in reality it's a giant piece of shit that will make you sick.

SWIM loves opiates just like everyone else in this forum but heroin doesn't seem to be worth the trouble. SWIM means, hey, if someone gave SWIM a needle of medical diamorphine and said "You can do this, you won't die, and you won't go to jail." yeah SWIM would do it, but on its own it's not worth the trouble.

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Brilliant point about the health risks. I loved the analogy between heroin and a Big Mac, spot on.
"like an advertising for a Big Mac: yeah, it looks tasty and awesome on the posterboard but in reality it's a giant piece of shit that will make you sick" what an awesome quote and so spot on!!

Last edited by eisenheim; 02-09-2011 at 23:27.
  #25  
Old 02-09-2011, 23:33
dreamy dreamy is offline
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Re: wanna try heroin - very stupid thoughts

You are all being so kind to me, depite all the things I'm writing, which must sound so horrible for someone who had really bad experiences with addiction.
On the one hand I feel so bad for taking so much of your time (missparkles, especially you seem to devote so much of your time and thought on my problems - but it's for all the others just as well). On the other hand I'm so touched and overwhelmed by your sympathetic words. Why would anyone do that for me?

I know that all you (all of you) are saying is meant really nicely and I don't think any of it is crap.

misssparkles, you have once again said many things that, once I think about them, are absolutely and 100% true.
I definitely know that "little inner voice that tells you you're just not good enough". It's there all the time. I just don't know how I should change that. There's just not a lot of positive things that voice could tell me. e.g. I would really like to help others in this forum (especially with all the help you are giving me, I feel its time to give something back), only I don't know what kind of help I could be? I can give people nothing (which makes it even harder to understand why you are helping me that much...)

And about your last post, you really have a point there (again). Probably this is exactly why I came here...to take responsibility off of my shoulders...yes, well that just shows how cowardly I am....but in the end, I know that the responsibility is mine anyways...if I do it, there's no one to blame but myself.

Well, it's still amazing to me how much you understand about me after a few posts. Things that my psychologist didn't even get in over a year. Things that I didn't even really, consciously know.

Thank you!

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