Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
Jesus love, no wonder you haven't been, how can I put it..."visible" at DF lately, you've been too bloody busy having fun.
But that' just it, isn't it. Recovery is about getting back that "normal life" the one where we do the parties, the reunions, working, spending time with friends and family, just a non using life and lifestyle. And really enjoying it. That's what recovery is all about.
So whilst you've been missed, you've been doing exactly what we're all trying to do, or aiming for at least. Well done on 21 months Dickon. Coming from the "screaming" topic to this, is a huge achievement, and as a friend I feel quite comfortable saying that I'm proud of you.
Kick ass awesome love...now rock the fuck on...
Sparkles.
For anyone who hasn't read it, here is the topic I mentioned, the "Screaming in the night air" topic. It shows grit, determination and an overwhelming desire to quit opiates. Enjoy reading it, I got so much out of it, I hope you do too...
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
Dickon your growth really is amazing and that you continue to share your experiences here is also a great gift to the users of this site.
I had a black '79 Datsun 280ZX for a while and by god how i loved it, it was unbelievably fast on take off and so powerful on the freeway. It was a really fun car until I was rear ended and they wrote it off. then I got a sensible car that had fancy things like a heater and windscreen wipers that worked. I think a nice car would be a great recovery present to yourself, as long as its with your family.
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
I read something a little while ago that has resonated with me, especially during one period of meditation, and I thought I'd share it here. The idea is that we should not be fooled when the ego impersonates the self. When I first read about this in Light on Life by BKS Iyengar, I thought yes, fair enough, next. But a week ago or so I got a sense of the meaning in a more visceral sense. It is so hard not to equate the constant yammering voice in one's head with one's identity. It is almost as if perception of identity and identity itself get confused, and we accept the simulacrum for the real thing. OK, I'll not make too much of a fool of myself, going all deep and meaningful here. Maybe this means something to you, maybe it doesn't. It's the latest thing rattling round my head, and believe you me, I have enough trouble with this confusion.
Well, I didn't exactly get a sports car, but I did end up with a 1988 Bentley Turbo R which I picked up on ebay. I've had it about a week, and I love pootling about in it. Henry, our 3 year old likes it, and he has given it the name of "The B car" (since the Bentley logo is a letter B). I've put a couple of photos in my "cars" album on my profile if anyone is interested.
In truth the last few weeks have been really hard, or at least I'm now left with a vague memory of this being so, but no real recollection as to why. I think so often with storm clouds as soon as they pass away it is hard to think that it could ever have been cloudy. I've had a cold for the last week or so and now my wife has it, so that has made things less than ideal.
Recently I really feel I helped stop someone I was working with return to (possibly alcoholic) drinking. Obviously, I can't give details, but it felt like I'd done some good. I had a couple of tellings off for things with my voluntary work and this made trivialities of them. It is interesting, since although I don't like criticism, I feel I've taken it constructively and can grow from it.
Maybe I am a little hot-headed or impulsive still. I doubt I'll ever get on all that well with rule-based behaviours!! On one of those days I think I got caught by a mobile speed camera too, so that's another nuisance. Perhaps this is a case of learning when to conform even when to do so is daft, or at least learning to prioritise which battles to fight. I want to mellow from my tendency to engage in black-and-white thinking of the "this is stupid, I'll do what I damn well want, and fuck you and the consequences" kind.
So, today, my exciting news (don't hold your breath!) is that I managed to do my best standing forward bend to date. Yes, I could and might dedicate a whole update to this thread to Yoga and in the process provide fitting material for a Private Eye style "Great Bores of Today" column. For now, I'll say, I'm still feeding my yoga addiction. I've stopped doing so much meditation, although I am going to the Zen group twice a week. I hope this will pick up again at some point, but in an odd sense, the times I have meditated have felt quite profound of late, and I also had an increased sense of fluidity in my Qigong. I am working a lot on the physical side of things and this is really important to me.
I think I've hit a nice spot (who knows it if is on an up or a down slide, but let's enjoy it while it lasts). Today, for example, I made 24 or 25 throws when juggling six balls. It is not quite my best, but I've twice made reasonably good efforts at six ball juggling recently despite not really doing a lot of juggling at the moment.
I was briefly excited to see a purported solution to the P=NP question [this is something to with computer science, so just think of it as a mathematics question, albeit one of 7 with a $1,000,000 prize for solving] however it seems likely that this was a storm in a tea-cup. It is now looking increasingly unlikely even that there was a germ of a new idea there. I have to say, it stimulated me to want to get back in touch with my mathematical heritage. For those that don't know, my doctorate is in pure maths, and it's something, at the risk of being somewhat unenglish, I'm pretty good at.
The boys are difficult, unbearably sweet, demanding, loving by turns. Alexander is now 10 months old and Henry is nearly 3 1/2. We went to a professional photographer and had some portraits of us done. I shall, if I can, at some point upload some to my profile so you can see what we all now look like.
On Thursday I will have made it to 22 months, and I am getting very close to my "personal best" and 2 years is really not all that far off. It's a pleasure to still be here posting stuff on this thread! I think DF's recovery and addiction section is a great resource for all who seek to quit drugs.
Thanks Sparkles and Lease for the messages of support above. I am plodding along and still hoping to find the rarefied air of being truly energised. I am putting my faith in Yoga for this task, but it is no quick fix. It is perhaps only a journey and never a destination
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
Well, I've got some slightly odd news. After the incident in my volunteering when I jumped over a desk to get in, and possibly because I didn't take it all that seriously and possibly because I was a bit pissed off over them not paying me petrol money, I have been let go of for 12 weeks, and I am really not all that sure I will be going back, but time will tell.
I have decided to take on the two people I am working with one-on-one as an "independent addiction consultant", but I am pretty galled by how I have been treated. The things seems to have upset my wife more than me, and when I found out on Wednesday, I went immediately to the Zen group and while sitting saw this as an opportunity to try and help people more in my own way. Since I am not being paid, it really doesn't make a huge difference, except it allows me to do things "outside the box" should I wish.
I know I talked a while back about wanting to set up something recovery oriented based on yoga and meditation and thought that I would need to wait some time to get this set up until I had been ordained in Zen and had done yoga teacher training. Assuming I started yoga teacher training next year, this would still be 3 years, or 2 until I had completed the introductory year [this is in Iyengar yoga, which is the style I prefer. That said, I did lead a self-practice Ashtanga class (honestly, it was either a case of the blind leading the blind, or at best being the one eyed-man!) and have lead a couple of Qigong classes when the teacher hasn't shown up. I have a sense that me teaching these things would be better than no one doing it. As far as meditation goes, it doesn't need a great deal of teaching, although I do sometimes wonder if doing guided meditation might not be better than the silent Zen meditation I practice.
Anyway, the thought has come into my mind that I would like to set something up. I had hoped to work within the organisation I volunteered for, but I am sad to say that maybe my speaking my mind sometimes does not make me the most political animal on this earth. I was once called "the most disruptive pupil in [my school's] 600 year history". It wasn't that I made bombs (well maybe the odd explosion here and there) but more because I questioned things. It's strange how thinking that rules are daft and not all that important makes you into a dangerous anarchist!
Anyway, I foresee a lot of problems. The biggest of which is that I am something of a dreamer and less your man of action that I'd like to be. I am a very good "idea's man", I can also be very dedicated, but organising and planning are not things I've ever had much aptitude for.
The switch from seeing clients on a volunteer basis and seeing clients as an "independent" isn't all that much, except I don't have an office, and having a wife and small children makes bringing people to our home perhaps not the best idea. This is not an insurmountable obstacle, at least if I am seeing people one-on-one in coffee shops etc.
The annoying thing is I think I am pretty good at this. A couple of the things I've help organise have had people saying it's the highlight of their week, and I was told I had "an air about me" on Thursday. I think I am more knowledgeable that nearly all of the workers, and have a pleasant and positive demeanour - at least most days!!
I am really not sure how to proceed. I would love to set up and try and maybe even get funding for something that was more to my taste by way of recovery. I know I would really benefit from input here, ideally find some others in the real world who complement my skill-set and get something going along the lines I've discussed.
Anyway, I've made it to 22 months away from everything now, and have a sense that closing in on 2 years is going to present me with a few challenges, this last being not the least of them.
Right, I have to sign off as I have a little boy who needs to be put to bed.
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
Although you feel "freed up" I imagine you also feel a little wobbly at the moment. I don't suppose you've pushed your own boundaries like this for a long time. You know we also get stuck in non using routines as much as using ones? So stay with the feeling.
I think the universe challenges us in unique way we least expect sometimes, this can be empowering, or just a test of our commitment to our original goal. I certainly thought months ago that you could followed have this path, and saw where it led.
Now you have the choice, but your gut (or instinct) are telling you to follow through with this, so do it, shoot for the moon. What can happen, you miss and hit the stars. Go for it.
Well done on getting to 22 months, awesomely kick ass.
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dickon
What to do. What to say. Answers, questions. Fullness of time might reveal those things hidden from me. Transcend this lethargy, and rise phoenix like. What's the point I ask sometimes, for there is none. But it's good as it's painful. I am constrained, I am blocked, but I don't know what is behind the block, what the point of being Dickon is. For I am he, D, Dickon, Dr D, call me as I am named or self-named
I loved reading through your myriad brilliant posts D!
You actually insipred me to keep on soldiering on. SWIM's been struggling over the last 2-3 days (SWIM's on day #7 going on 8 now having pulled himself out of a demeaning and demoralizing attempt at opiate substitution through methadone maintenance 120mg daily for the past 3 months, then tapered down 2md daily 'till swim was feeling ill and just couldn't justify another demeaning bus trip down to the clinic for another reduced dose.
someone else in DF wrote that what an addict most needs is (unconditional) love, support, and understanding (along with encouragement) when... they're finally ready to quit. no longer able to continue the self-flagellating act of further using...
A quick question which still lingers burning brightly in my boggled mind: on what day would you say you woke up and just realized you were no longer feeling horrible? Its just that PAWS has been such an insurmountable battle for me -- always winning out. I need some finite hope to carry me through until I can embrace the infinite. Stubbornness, I have.
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
Burnz,
It's fantastic to have reached day 7 nearly day 8. I wish I could give a definite answer to your question, but the process of getting over the withdrawals isn't linear. There are good days, there are bad ones, good moments and bad ones. With methadone things can be very drawn out, and it can seem like swimming through treacle.
Just on a technical note what you are going through now isn't PAWS, it is just plain withdrawals. The post acute withdrawals are any residual effects after the main withdrawal is over. I'd say the acute phase with methadone is going to be getting a lot better by about day 10-14 and any acute withdrawals will be tapering out at about day 21. Nothing is set in stone, and it does depend a lot on age, length of use, amount of use, etc. etc. At day 7 or 8 you need have no fear that how you are now feeling has any bearing on how you will eventually feel.
I think the first stage of a withdrawal starting to end is being able to lie still in bed. This often comes before getting good sleep which I'd say is one of the really big milestones. All I can say is hang on in there. It does get better, at which point life does take over with its own ups and downs.
Just keep a sense of perspective, and make short term goals. I got through the early stages by making little mini-goals (24 hours, 25 hours, 30 hours, 2 days, a week, 10 days, 14 days, etc. etc.) and just focusing on getting to the next one. I did find that I lacked energy for a long time, and still feel this can improve even nearly 2 years later, although I somewhat suspect that at 40 I'm not going to have the same energy as I did 10 years ago. That said, I go to the gym pretty much every day to do yoga and such like.
It really won't be long until you are able to relax, feel you have some skin that works, not be drenched in sweat and cold and will get some appetite back. The process takes as long as it does, has its ups and downs, but definitely leads to a far far better place than addiction and withdrawal!
Life is fantastic without drugs. You really have got through the worst part, so don't give up now. I know the lack of sleep can be a real killer, but remind yourself this is a one-time only deal, and treat it as something, like any other illness, that simply has to be endured.
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
Thanks Mate!
The sleep thing is definitely huge for SWIM, the sense of being hopelessly stuck in a losing battle -- one day blurring into the next a shade of gray at a time. My best friend at the time I first started fighting my addiction over 10 years ago, a russian recovering H-addict in seminary told me that we were like soldiers forever marching on in this war against addictions, passions... I heard how tired his voice was when he said it.
Will Do. And thank you again for your power of example.
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
OK, it's update time. I have had to make a bit of a u-turn over setting up on my own after basically being told I would never be able to go back to where I volunteer if I did. Since they pretty much run the whole of the drug treatment set up in Oxford, where I live, this would have serious consequences for a future career.
Much as I would love to, one day, set up on my own, I still have a lot to learn and the time isn't yet ripe for such an endeavour. It is not so much that I even want to be on my own, but I would like to be the boss!
Frankly, the way I have been treated really surprises me, and now I have gone past anger, I'm more perplexed and more than a little bit amused: as one friend said "if you employ former heroin addicts, what do you expect?" I am now going to go back on some weird arrangement where they want to supervise my client work, which I won't even be able to do one-on-one initially I go back, and deliver some kind of lecture to me about boundaries. Honestly, a "Dickon, what you did was somewhat irresponsible, please in future would you mind not jumping over the desk and letting yourself in" would have been my way of handling this.
Anyway, they almost didn't let me back at all, which would have taken things down a very different path. So, what I have learnt from this? I did, literally, lose a lot of sleep over this especially when I thought they were out and out nastily gunning for me. I suppose I have learnt that I should not expect others to be either reasonable or amenable to reasonable. There are also deeper lessons about tying up a sense of identity into something.
I felt really low when all this was going on. It annoys the fuck out of me on one level because I know I am pretty damn good with clients. I am a firm believer in the power of the relationship over the power of the methodology, and I think being, for the most part, an upbeat, positive-thinking person I am fairly good at building relationships with people who seek help. I have also had to swallow my ego a bit, but yet, somehow, I feel stronger for doing what is, to my current thinking, the sensible thing, and am really not stressing about losing face or such like. For one thing, so what if I had, for another I haven't. I think the people involved who came to this decision may ultimately feel pretty foolish, although I shall do my best to be a back-seat observer here.
Anyway, I think I am over the worst of the funk. On a completely different subject I received several weeks ago now a not inconsiderable sum of money from someone who bought a car of mine on e-bay. I've not seen hide nor hair of them since and am quite perplexed by this. As for the Bentley I bought (which was about a third as much as the one I sold) that is now in the garage being serviced and fixed, and knowing Danny, I might not be seeing it for a while, which is a little sad. Nothing like pootling about in an old Bentley, feeling aristocratic, to soothe a battered ego.
What else is new? Not a huge amount. The woman I visited in hospital a couple of times who had cancer came back to a yoga class for the first time today which is excellent news. I get to do Bodypump twice a week since I am not working on the "junky bus" on Tuesdays. Our piano needs tuning again. We have ordered Henry a new car seat since he is getting a little on the big side for his old one, and my mother is ordering a new bunk bed for the boys, or at least Henry at first, and Alexander when he's old enough.
We're having the pianist from Kate's choir around tomorrow for lunch. He also went to our Oxford college so there's a good connection there. Also most people who went there are friendly, intelligent and interesting. I did my best ever Urdhva Dhanurasana (wheel pose) today, and think the secret was tipping the head back more which seemed to work the upper back. It's got me thinking that when I describe myself as stiff in the shoulders, I am perhaps really more stiff in the upper back.
This brings me on to a more abstruse and philosophical thought I've been playing with and that is just how screwed up my perception of things are. It is as if 99% of my reality is me going out to meet things in themselves with an interpretation or "thought picture" of some kind. My model of reality, if recent times are anything to go by, is almost inevitably and invariably wrong. Here is a silly example. Before the car went off to be serviced I saw pee around the headlight. I went off in something of a funk pissed off about how badly people behave. When I cleaned it off, I knew at once from much aromatic experience with out own cat, that it was cat pee. So, my reality had been determined by something that was completely wrong.
This also ties in somewhat with the idea of the "hyper-real". I think the idea here is that the virtual world becomes more real than the real one; for example, the media picture of the world replaces direct experience. It again makes for an interesting point of departure to think about the "ground of experience" or the "ground of truth".
As usual, I haven't really come to any conclusions about this except we invest way too much in the virtual, the mental construct, the projected future. It seems to me that this ties in to some extent with addiction, where the ability to simply be and experience is all but gone and one projects into the future the answer that is the fix. Yes, maybe this all little more than a perspective on the first two noble truths, at least if we amended the second to "suffering is caused by desire and illusion". Delusion or illusion is certainly along with aversion and greed one of the three poisons of Buddhism.
Anyway, you will probably be glad to know, I must now interrupt this rant as food is ready.
Lots of good recovery thoughts to those that are struggling. Life is certainly odd but very interesting.
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
I am now into the final month of my little goal of getting to 2 years off everything. In a few days I break the Dickon personal best for recovery - some time next week, I'm not sure exactly when. So, how are things hanging in Dickon-land? All in all, pretty fair, but I'm still fighting with energy levels to some degree. I suppose when I am going to 3 classes in the gym several days a week this is a relative thing, but I still sense there is an organic not-rightness that I am still holding out hope will eventually go. The good news is I break through the surface of this tiredness and mental confusion often, and I am mostly happy even if I am a bit tired at times. Maybe it is just one of my unrealistic expectations that I shall one day be completely with it the whole time. I am certainly going to die trying to find that state.
I've been doing my usual musings about things and thinking about the line "to see infinity in a grain of sand". I love the idea that to perfect everything one only needs to perfect one thing. I think it is very much like practising abstinence-based recovery or zazen [seated Zen meditation]. You hear all these Zen people going on about how this is the essence of everything, and it seems a bit daft. How is perfecting sitting going to do a great deal? I use yoga as a tool to sit, and that encompasses the physical body but it also encompasses principles of moral conduct [yama and niyama for those interested in such things] and I've always been deeply against moral conduct seeing it very much as a lot of "thou shalt nots" and miserable restrictions on being a free spirit and individual. In Zen there are the precepts which are a similar set of injunctions which if I get ordained next year I'll be official making a declaration of my attempts to abide by.
I've been pricked recently reading about these kind of things in various books on yoga and had a real sense that I need to be listening to this kind of stuff. I need to be living right in order to achieve my aim of stillness in meditation, or alternatively ease in recovery. Sitting in meditation provides a focus for me, much in the same way as "not using drugs" does. Something very simple, around which everything else can gel.
One thing that has been getting to me is the need to become financially self-supporting at some stage. I have in the past inherited some money, but that is not going to last all that much longer, and I will need in time to address this side of things. I've not had a huge amount of experience with working and the whole thing somewhat frightens me: more the process of applying than the actual working. I have never quite believed in the various plans and ideas I've thought of, and have never quite sold myself any of the possible "my place in the world" scenarios I've been playing with.
However, completely by chance someone mentioned the need for medical statisticians, and so I am now considering the idea of doing an MSc next year [this academic year I'm a bit late] in this, which seems to be a doorway into an interesting career that I might be quite good at. For those who don't know I already have a doctorate in pure mathematics, but not the useful kind!
It seems a possible way to go. There is even the chance of getting a scholarship to study, which would make things even better. This gives me a year of volunteering (when I go back), concentrating on my yoga and Zen, and being with my small children and that feels right. I still intend to qualify as a yoga teacher in due course but I think this would be more a labour of love, and even if all goes smoothly, I'd not qualify for 3 years.
This is not a done deal, but it provides me with the most satisfactory answer and something I could do that would be intellectually appealing. If something does come up in the field of drug work I might consider it, but the money is not very good. Maybe in time I'll set up as an independent addiction consultant after all in my spare time, who knows?!
This definitely feels like the beginning of a plan, although the hardest part will be, assuming I get in on an MSc course, either having to move or commute. It is not a plan without difficulties, and the alternative is that I get on some other career-oriented MSc course (or similar) in Oxford, since Oxford does not offer an MSc in medical statistics. A medical statistics MSC might be the training I need to one day help with studies relating to ways of treating addiction.
I am cultivating my little Zen focus on stillness, my recovery focus on not using drugs [which has been almost effortless for ages now] and I am hoping that everything will slot in around that - this is my "infinity in a grain of sand" idea.
I am really excited about getting to 2 years. It will be the start of a more sustained effort I've not been able to produce in the past. The conditions all seem so much more in place these days. I struggle with things, but that is fine. Life with 2 small boys and a wife in a somewhat cluttered house is difficult for me but rewarding as well as exhausting.
Well it's getting late and I must sleep as I've got to be up fairly early for Qigong at 7.15 tomorrow. What can I say? Life is fantastic. Abstinence is great. I'd recommend it to anyone!
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
Dickon, I'd like to hear your perspective here on a hypothesis I began forming in this thread about the nature of abstention and 'falling off the wagon'.
Sparkles' thread discusses the exponential increase in drug abuse and withdrawal symptoms when relapsing, even after an extended period of recovery and I think your, very busy, approach to learning and practising new psychological tools and lifestyle choices lends an interesting angle to it.
I propose the following:
1. Most long-term psychological problems stem from alteration in gene expression during brain development in the early years, often as a result of exposure to a toxic emotional environment.
2. This creates an actual physiological impairment or deficit in their neurology which can often lead to self-medication in order to 'fill the emotional hole'.
3. The brain, during periods of chronic drug administration, will respond neurochemically in such a way as to try and restore homoeostasis, meaning that tolerance to the drug develops and subsequent escalation in usage and increase in withdrawal symptoms become the first barrier to overcome for the addict who wants to stop using.
4. This plasticity also applies to the recovery period when, after ceasing their drug use, the brain will seek to restore homoeostasis again.
5. This 'default' state of neurology for the user who is 'clean', unfortunately, includes the original deficit or 'fault' which drove them to use in the first place.
6. Abstaining addicts who develop intellectual psychological tools for dealing with both the withdrawal period and beyond, will always need to ensure that their lifestyle continues to allow them to practice these methods as the neurological fault still exists.
I guess my point is this, whilst you are doing incredibly well and should be rightfully pleased with yourself, my concern would be that any resumption of key 'stressors' which may have played a part in aggravating the original compulsion for substance abuse, could run the risk of exposing you to the negative influence of the, still present, neurological condition that exists within your 'default', substance-free, state.
That there doesn't yet exist a treatment route which allows for the 'correction' of pre-existing neurological faults in this 'baseline' state, would likely mean that the only choice for those pre-disposed to addiction as a result of it, is to maintain a sufficient degree of intellectual ability and practical implementation in order to remain clean. 'Regular' life often does not allow for this.
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
[This post is a little technical. You have been warned!]
I've just had a look at the "alteration in gene expression..." link you posted above and it makes fascinating, if somewhat scary, reading. It seems to add to my responsibilities as a parent of two young boys, one of whom is now trying to eat a book by Mr Iyengar (he has already ripped the cover of another one of his books, maybe we have a budding yogi in the making!). Undoubtedly early experiences are hard wired in at some level. I would not consider myself anything like knowledgeable enough to hazard whether this was because of an epigenetic mechanism relating to negative influence on the expression (or timing of the expression) of certain genes, or development of effective neural wiring to cope with normal life (it might be sensible from an evolutionary stand point to remain hypervigilant if one grows up in a stressful/abusive environment) or any other mechanism.
The link between impoverished conditions and development of addiction seems to be evidenced, in rats at least, by the famous "rat park" experiment (Alexander really is fascinated by the picture of BKS Iyengar on the book) where rats were far less prone to develop addictive tendencies if they lived in a "fulfilling" environment.
It is pretty obvious that sticking a needle in your arm is not the healthy response to life.
As far as homeostasis goes, it's a good working hypothesis, at least in the short term, but clearly the "homeo" to which we try and "stat" is a movable feast [this doesn't quite work as far as the Greek etymology goes, but I hope you get the idea!], so this is at best a first order approximation. What I believe the real key to any process of recovery is to gradually shift the "homeo", by which I mean baseline, to which we try to return to in the process of homeostasis.
This might most easily be explained by an example, so let us consider physical exercise. If one trains regularly one gradually pushes one's baseline physical fitness up over time. Within this gradual up curve there are of course fluctuations in fitness from day to day (as can be expected in any system of homeostasis: homeostasis does not mean one is in a fixed equilibrium, but that one returns to equilibrium when pushed off said equilibrium by various stressors). Importantly if one stops training and sits and watches TV all day, one's baseline will gradually decline.
This example seems to be analogous to what you are saying about putting effort in in recovery in the sense that keeping a good equilibrium requires constant input. In some sense homeostasis may have slightly misleading undertones as a word, since it does not have to imply that for the "homeo" to remain static, one can or must be static. Maintaining homeostasis may indeed take effort!
I am all too aware of this as regards maintaining recovery, and realise I have within me a seed that has the potential to bring forth the fruit of manifest addiction, and that if I am not in some sense either serendipitously or consciously working on making sure this doesn't happen there is the possibility that it will. Recovery is all about what the Zen folk call "practice realisation". This all sounds, the astute reader might notice, very much like the disease concept of addiction. I do believe one can reach a state of effortless effort, where putting in the necessary effort to maintain or improve the equilibrium becomes second nature and is done with little or no conscious intervention or need for what might be called "will".
Plasticity is also another important area which future research might bear fruit regarding. It is here wherein the question of the existence of the "disease of addiction" or at least its existence as something without a cure might be answered. Maybe it is my irrational cosmic side (OK, despite all my Zen and yoga, I'm not naturally the most "cosmic" of souls!) but I have a faith that very deep and transformative change is possible, and that meditation, yoga and breath work can bring this about. It may one day even be found that such activities do link in with epigenetics. In fact I would be very surprised if some examples of this were not found at some point, and that with the right inputs one could not beneficially effect epigenetic (or other) factors. Again, even if this is so, the extent to which change can be made, damage can be undone, would require further investigation. Is it possible for anyone to reach enlightenment?
I believe it is in the body and the breath more than in the reasoning facility that answers can be found and happiness in recovery achieved. Perhaps this is, again to borrow from the 12 steps, the spiritual nature of recovery. To me spirituality is very down to earth. What I believe is not nearly as important as how I breath, how I move, how I act, etc. Yes, I am accomplished in reasoning, and perhaps I am prone to be dismissive of a talent I have, so it makes it easier for me to be just a little bit anti-intellectual here.
As my friend Tracey said, when talking about CBT, "addiction is not cognitive". This is not entirely true, but it seems to me a better first order approximation than "addiction is entirely cognitive". Perhaps, to adopt Patanjali "Recovery Citta Vritti Niroddhah" [Recovery is about stilling the fluctuations of the mind].
I really must be going soon, but as for the point raised in Sparkles thread, I think it is infinitely harder to change a bad habit than it is to learn a new one. I have tried to play a fiendishly difficult piano piece called "La Campanella" for ages, but I still get it wrong in certain places. Much of this is not simply not being good enough to do it right, but because I have learnt it badly! I still believe with enough time and effort I could learn to do it right. The amount of effort involved would be considerable, and I currently lack the discipline to do it, but maybe one day it will come. Even if I start with good intentions of playing it properly and slowly, my old way of doing it just seems to take over. I think playing La Campanella badly is probably not physically addictive, but it is interesting that it seems a good example where the same problems of old habits asserting themselves arise. I just think there may be a general principle at work here that extends beyond addiction.
I think it is ultimately true that social drinking or controlled using could be learnt. However the level of effort involved would be astronomical, and for someone with a good recovery it would serve little or no useful purpose. I think one would need both a good long time away from the addiction and a very clear plan of action to achieve it. The idea of using or drinking doesn't much appeal to me, and to spend ages working on this would be pointless. I think it would require years of work, huge honesty and courage. That said, when cat relapsed after nearly 2 years clean 12 years ago, he didn't go back to where he was before. The second relapse was more complicated and went deeper. I do not see inevitability here, but I do see trends.
My simplified position is that anyone can use or drink again after an addiction, but they are only well enough to do so if they don't want to use or drink. That is why I think, almost without exception, every addict fails at using and every alcoholic fails at drinking socially after addiction. My experience with people who drink after opiate addiction is much more mixed. I know a fair few people who drink occasionally who were former heroin addicts, and I know a fair few others who have simply ended up developing alcoholic tendencies.
To all intents and purposes, I think returning to one's drug of choice is destined to failure, and that there is serious risk in drinking alcohol after opiate addiction. If there is ever any sense of need or urge to change how one feels chemically, then I think there is the risk of addiction returning.
Dickon
Last edited by Dickon; 22-09-2010 at 14:16.
Reason: Fairly major rewrite. There is still a lot of room for improvement, but I'm tired.
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
OK, enough of that technical mumbo jumbo, let's talk about life! lol. So, here I am, sitting up in bed with a cold feeling a bit icky. I have to say I was glad that this morning I could approximate a wheel pose which for about a week I was virtually unable to do. I blame the new release of Bodypump, an exercise class I do usually twice a week, which was stiffening up my shoulders! Who knows, maybe it's more that the year is closing in and the studio I do yoga in has been cold.
I have to confess I've been struggling somewhat of late. Oh, please don't think this is some kind of "oooohhh I'm finding it so hard to stay clean" thing - it's not. Staying clean is effortless, but living life isn't. I have a sense I have at some time to come to terms with anger and control issues of some kind. Yes, sorry if that sounds a bit "therapy", but hey, take the psychobabble away and there is some underlying truth. I think I've mentioned I'm doing a module of an Open University degree in psychology starting in the next month or so, so watch out, I might be psychobabbling with the best of them afore long.
Anyway, for me, I take the view that there is nothing wrong with anger, but that the key thing is to harness it usefully. The state of the house has been my real concern. It is messy. So, I feel out of control and angry to some degree or other. There are communication issues too, but I am glad that today we had a cleaner who Kate had contacted to give us some help. Yes, it's a bit of money, but if we could get the place ordered and keep it so I'd be much happier. My wife has many lovely qualities, and I love her to bits, but being organised and tidy are not always her strongest suits.
I have been pootling about as per usual. Sadly, the Bentley I recently bought is up for sale on ebay, and may well be gone before the week is out. To get it into good condition would require quite a lot of expensive work, and I don't think it makes sense to spend this kind of money. I shall miss pottering about feeling like being in a gentleman's club on wheels There is something very serene and calming about an old Bentley, not to mention, for me, somewhat nostalgic since my dad used to have them back when I was young. Anyway, there are always plenty more on e-bay for very little money if I get the urge!
In 11 days time I shall hit the 2 year mark in my journey of abstinence, and I have already broken my previous best. So, on Tuesday week, I shall forgo one of my favourite yoga classes and go to an NA meeting and pick up a black 2 years clean keyring. I would like to at some point forget about all the anniversaries and clean time, but maybe that will take years or decades if it happens at all.
I've quoted some of this in another post but it really struck me as profound. It's from the Rational Recovery Bullets for the Beast slideshow which I am now recommending in lots of posts [In fact it was recommended to me in the prequel to this thread, Screaming in the night air , by Richard Smoker who was with me in the early days and can be found here http://www.rational.org/html_bullets/Bullet1.html ]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rational Recovery
Don't count time. Let your Beast count time until the next drink. Allow yourself to naturally forget why you quit. If you aren't going to drink or use any more, no explanations are necessary to remain abstinent.
Isn't that great? It certainly really appeals to me. I love the no explanations thing and I do sense that counting time is to some degree backward looking. I have no idea of the date I quit smoking, although I probably started out counting hours, days and weeks etc.. I did quit a long time ago, somewhere in the region of 20 years back. Anyway, this is something for us to think about. "Allow yourself to forget naturally why you quit" since it simply doesn't matter.
I wonder though if to arrive at a place where you can make a Rational Recovery-like "big decision to quit once and for all" for many of us there is a need for some initial "one day at a time" thinking and that a big decision can only be reached when the time is right. I'm not sure. RR's dislike of the quitting one day at a time method (as practised in 12 step groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous) is interesting, and I do understand the idea that thinking in this way, maintaining you can never quit except for today, is permitting relapse. There is also something ultimately quite defeatist about needing meetings to stay clean.
The fact I'm going to an NA meeting in 11 days has got me thinking about this, and thinking about my own relationship with the fellowship. Having gone through 7 months of residential 12-step based therapy in 1998 I'm all too aware of how this can be put forward as the only way, where even those who are not using drugs are simply "abstinent but not in recovery" if they are not going to meetings, etc. Maybe I am still deprogramming from some of the arrant (or errant) nonsense that gets bandied about.
I feel I risk being misinterpreted here, so I should clarify that I have a fair amount of sympathy with the 12 steps, and think the idea of one former addict helping another can be immensely therapeutic. I also think, in one shape or form, the whole problem of addiction, or to be more specific its solution, is spiritual in nature. I have what might be seen as a very mundane view of what spirituality is, and am quite happy with sitting staring at a wall or doing yoga poses and trying to breath well and be attentive: no need for beliefs, no need for superstition, no need for God (although no need to reject these things either).
If I could rewrite the 12 steps I'd take the whole God thing out of it. I don't believe God is needed even in step 3 [We handed our wills and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood him] since this can make sense to me on an atheist level. If anyone is interested just ask and I will endeavour to explain although will no doubt make a pig's breakfast of it!
Anyway, this I suppose is a summary of where I am vis-a-vis the 12 steps at the moment. Just to change the subject completely, I'm going to give a list of what I do when it comes to yoga and Zen and such like at the moment, more as a record for me to look back on than anything else, but also because it might be of interest to others.
Monday
7am-8am Zen meditation
5.45pm-7pm Ashtanga Yoga
As you can see, I get my money's worth from the gym I belong to (all the classes are free once you pay your membership!). So, in case you hadn't got the idea I'm quite dedicated to my yoga practice! I also try and do an hour of meditation a day, although depending on how things are going with others in the house that doesn't always happen. I've been very bad this past week especially and need to pick that up again.
I feel quite confused sometimes when I ask myself for whom am I writing this, since I really don't know if what I'm saying means anything to anyone except myself! I like to hope every now and again a thought or something I do will help someone else, or at the very least amuse them. Perhaps taken together this constitutes an insight into me and my growth over time. Perhaps just by being a voice I am letting others know that it's possible to quit and that the help and support DF has to offer is a wonderful resource.
I shall probably be back in a few days yapping on about getting to 2 years. I will say now how much I like it if people post in this thread. I prefer talking to others than simply spewing out whatever comes into my head into the ether in the vague hope it will be interesting or useful!
Be well everyone and stay positive. Life is all good fun!
Dickon
Last edited by Dickon; 07-10-2010 at 20:10.
Reason: trying to make this rambling a little more coherent!
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
Well, this is just a quick post to say I've got to 2 years today and wanted to share that with you all. Burnz started this thread http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/sho...d.php?t=145381 for me and what everyone has written has really touched both me and my lovely wife Kate.
I completely flaked out on my masterplan of going to an NA meeting and getting a black multiple years of recovery key-ring. I had been planning this for the best part of two years and come tonight, Mathew's yoga class just seemed more appealing. I have to say some part of my masterplan involved cocking a snook at NA in some way (as Ol' Blue Eyes sang "I did it my way) as well as wanting some affirmation, and maybe going back to an old community I was once a member of. Ho hum. So, I've not figured this out totally. It's a cauldron of different feelings.
Some of the things people have said about me have made me feel really valued on here and this forum has, in truth, been by recovery group. I like to share my journey with you guys, ups and downs. Right now, I'm feeling fantastic (I went dancing 5 Rhythms last night after Ashtanga yoga and today I've done some Qigong, lifted some weights and done a really interesting yoga class) and have those nice little upturned corners to my mouth.
I am glad to have made it to this point, but the "point" is artificial as all "points" are and climax brings anticlimax. Because of my past failures in getting to this point, the 2 year mark has been something I've fixated on and now it's gone there isn't going to be anything equivalent. Maybe 5 or 10 years will feel like something special. Who knows? I like to hope this site will be around then and I'll be here to tell you all one way or another!
I hope to post soon about my "Happiness: A guide to developing life's most important skill" book by Matthieu Ricard which I think might be completely fascinating. Here is someone who was adjudged one of the happiest men in the world who follows a Buddhist path and who has a secular scientific outlook on the world. This may have to wait until I've ploughed through BKS Iyengar's Light on the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali which though interesting is heavy going.
Anyway, I'm going to watch the end of the Dexter episode I've been watching.
I really want to thank everyone on here who has showed me such kindness. I am always made so happy by the assorted private messages and visitor messages as well as things I read in threads saying such nice things about me as well as that I am helping others. I get to feeling quite emotional about it! It is a great privilege to be on here and to help moderate this forum.
There is much that has happened in real life. My mother turned 70 and my father-in-law had a heart attack, fortunately a minor one, and is going to have a bypass operation in the next couple of weeks. Anyway, next time maybe I'll talk more about life.
One thing's for sure. Life is fantastic! The deaths of two members on here recently (one by suicide, one by overdose) really brings this home. Addiction is a killer, and to survive it involves both luck and strength. I hope we can collectively save others from these fates. For anyone contemplating lapsing or relapsing think long and hard where that road ends.
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
I wanted to share something from a little book I was leant the other day that has been doing the rounds in my brain.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Swami Prabhavalanda in Patanjali Yoga Sutras
The desire for heaven is therefore an infinitely lower ambition than the desire for liberation
I think that's a lovely line and seems to say something about the distinction between the people who want to be free and those who want to continue using drugs, even assuming the drugs are still capable of giving pleasure. Anyway, I'm not going to say much more about that one, although the context of comparing Hindu/Buddhist and Christian world-views is interesting and instructive.
I still haven't gone to an NA meeting, so clearly getting a black 2 years clean NA keyring hasn't been all that important to me. My father-in-law has had his heart bypass surgery and is doing as well as can be expected. We went to see him in Bristol yesterday and saw an old friend of Kate's. I thought it was going to be a tougher day that it was since I always feel somewhat shattered on Saturdays since Fridays are currently my yoga marathon days when I do 4 hours of yoga. That Friday I managed to do backbends well (for me) for the first time in ages.
I've also now officially started my Open University psychology degree. It's good because Kate started a science degree a few months back and knows her way round so she can help me out, although it all seems fairly self-explanatory at the moment. I think this might be some fun and we'll see where, if anywhere, it leads. I've no idea if I'll do a degree, but for now I'll spend 6 months doing a fairly low intensity module and learn, I hope, some interesting things. I'm still thinking of applying for an MSc in medical statistics next academic year, since this would be a useful qualification into a field where there are apparently not enough people to fill the jobs. I shall maybe start e-mailing universities about this at some point.
For those who have been following my "jumping over the front desk and being asked to leave my voluntary work for 3 months" saga, on Wednesday I'm going back to have a session about boundaries delivered by someone there. I mustn't say I find the whole thing both hilarious and daft! No, I must resolve to take it seriously. No, this is not really working! I have learnt some great lessons here, but probably not the ones I was "supposed" to learn.
It has somewhat made me abandon any long-term plans to work for the organisation involved, and although I've not ruled it out, it has put me off the idea of working in the field of addiction. When and if I ever become a qualified yoga teacher (we're looking at 3 years as an absolute minimum) I might try and offer something free or seek work doing something with addicts then. I also haven't ruled out the possibility of doing a 2 year course on addiction counselling offered by Action on Addiction.
OK, so I am not one of the Sparkles/ex-junkie planning brigade! I could quote Confucius and say "Don't make plans" or better yet "A gentleman is not a pot" [I love that Analect!] I have a smile on my face and feel sure I'll muddle into something eventually when the time is right. Next year could be rather exciting. If all goes well I will be getting ordained, applying to start yoga teacher training, although that might have to wait a year, and starting an MSc.
Who knows I may yet make it to the ranks of the respectable! Fat chance. lol. Seriously though, life is pretty good at the moment. I am dedicating myself to yoga, and am reading a few books on the subject too including the very good one I quoted from above. The vistas for self-exploration and growth seem to extend so much further beyond where I am, that I am filled with a childlike excitement and tingling.
My children are just gorgeous beyond belief. Watching little Henry and Alexander is a delight at times, and they are so adorable, at least when they are not being absolute menaces who I have to restrain myself from killing! Henry, age 3, today came up with "is en passant French or English?" which was great, and very perceptive. He doesn't really speak French since we only occasionally say a few words to him in French. He has finally been potty trained, and his reward for doing a poo in the potty is to play Chess. He now pretty much knows how all the pieces work and is starting to develop a rudimentary sense of strategy, or at least he can often see when a piece can be taken! Alexander is saying "Mama" really clearly now, and when they both laugh it's infectious. Henry also said "I love Daddy, even when he shouts at me". To be drug free and have these experiences is brilliant!
There seem to be a few people trying to quit opiates at the moment on here. What can I say? You are in for one mighty fun adventure if you've got the chutzpah to stick it to the monkey! I just heard a thing on Radio 3 about the Zen sesshin I was at this summer. Hearing some friends from there took me back, and I hope some of them will be at the Bristol Zen weekend I'm planning to go to in December.
Naked reality is where it's at! Life in the here and now without some chemical veil. I just hope at times this thread captures a small piece of my zest for life and excitement. It can be tough living without a crutch but it is far and away the best path I can think of.
Be happy everyone and I always love it when people post in this thread! Go on, you know you want to.
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
Sorry if this post is off topic, as it regards this quote which is from years ago...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dickon
I think sometimes I question the "I've quit for ever" thing, although that could just be the remnants of N.A. "one day at a time" indoctrination. Of course any mathematician worth their salt will explain to you about mathematical induction, and demonstrate that forever, and "one day at a time", are (extensionally as to time-period) identical, so all N.A. is using here is a psychic trick. Thus flitting between thinking I'm never going to use, or I'm not going to use now and when now is over I'm going to extend the time I'm not going to use etc., is mere mental gymnastics
I too seem to have some sort of mental complex regarding the "one day at a time." It's like the bar/pub that advertises "free drinks tomorrow." I have been afraid to bring this up because it seems to work well for a lot of people, and I do not want to ruin something that is helping them stay clean.
Sometimes I wish I could accept the "one day at a time" strategy for what it is, and not over think it. It worked for me in the past (temporarily, of course) when I was a bit younger and ordered by the court to attend daily AA meetings.
Now I am older, a little less naive, and maybe a bit too analytical to accept an idea such as "one day at a time." You describe it as "mental gymnastics," ultimately tricking yourself into not using...forever. It is here that the hypocrisy of AA/NA is made evident to me. How can a program that demands honesty also promote this fallacy?
I keep coming back to this "one day at a time" issue in my head. I feel like I could force myself to accept it for what it is, and use it as a tool to get me through a tough day. On the other hand, I feel that I would be doing a disservice to myself by failing to objectively look at this argument.
I do recognize the irony of my last sentence [failing to objectively perceive my environment] - the exact thing I failed to do during years of addiction. So if I accept "one day at a time," am I continuing to trick myself and partaking in the same neuroticism that has plagued me for years? If so, should I consider that it is impossible for anything to be perceived in a completely objective way? If so, does it then make sense to reconsider the "one day at a time" strategy? I have gone in a circle.
Maybe I am over thinking something that I don't need (I've made it this far without using "one day at a time," although I have spent a lot of time thinking about it). Maybe I should just find satisfaction in the mere ability to ponder this concept, and acknowledge that there is no objective answer. Maybe I should spend my time on something more productive...
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
Sorry for taking so long to get back to you on this one Julian, but I certainly don't think it's an indication of NA/AA's hypocrisy, and I am somewhat perplexed by the penultimate paragraph, especially the question about objective perception. Surely, at least from an abstract point of view, the thing about perception is that it is, by its very nature, subjective and not objective. However, this question is surely more metaphysical in nature than relevant to recovery.
To my mind the "one day at a time" approach centres on the fact that an individual is subject to change. Hence there is no way of knowing with certainty one's future actions because one's views and beliefs may change sufficiently to overturn even the strongest conviction. In NA the idea is that "one's addiction", a "cunning and baffling" enemy is sufficiently "clever" that without sufficient preventative measures it will or may eventually win out, and there is no way one can ever get the upper hand. The best one can do is to deal with things on a daily basis, and then with each new day take up the challenge of not using again.
I think you've hit one of the main issues about this approach. It seems like hard work! One is constantly required to "do something" as in "stay clean for one day". For me, when I quit smoking way back when, I quit. I do not psychologically speaking, think of myself as staying off cigarettes one day at a time. I just quit cigarettes. This is the end of the story.
I think the same way works with drugs, but I think for many people taking things one day at a time can be really helpful, psychologically.
Objectively there is no difference between staying clean one day at a time and staying clean forever. The staying clean one day at a time does however need two pieces to constitute a link in the chain. The first is of course affirming to stay clean for 24 hours, and the second is that after the 24 hours have passed one will make the same affirmation (including this part about making the affirmation again etc.). Logically this is equivalent to forever.
As a mathematical digression, for those interested in such things we are dealing with the logical equivalence of (over the domain of non-negative integers)
(An)P(n) and [P(0) ^ (An)(P(n)-->P(n+1))] [I have used "(An)" for "for all n" and "^" for logical and]
which in case your mathematical logic is a little rusty can be written
For all n P(n) holds [where P is any proposition] is logically equivalent to both P(0) holding and being able to deduce P(n+1) from P(n) for any arbitrary n.
Ok, since we haven't had a mathematical digression for a while, let me go further and provide a little simple example.
Suppose we wish to prove that the n^th triangle number is n (n+1)/2 where the 5th triangle number is 0+1+2+3+4+5=15, etc. We let P(n) denote that "n (n+1)/2 is the nth pyramid number. We wish to prove
(An)(Pn) [remember this simply means that for all n, P(n) holds, i.e. for all n, n (n+1)/2 is the nth triangle number]
To do this we use the equivalence, and know we are done if we can prove
P(0) ^ (An)(P(n)-->P(n+1))
i.e. we need to prove two things. P(0) and (An)(P(n)-->P(n+1)) [remember we are using ^ to denote and]. P(0) is easily proved. The zeroth pyramid number is 0 which is 0 (0+1)/2 i.e. 0.
Next to prove (An)(P(n)--->P(n+1)). We can dispense with the (An) [for all n] since if we can prove it for an arbitrary n we are in fact providing a proof for all n. [This is technically known as the logical inference of generalisation]
So assume that f(n) denotes the nth pyramid number and P(n) holds. We have that
f(n)=n(n+1)/2. We know f(n+1)=f(n)+n+1. [i.e. f(6), the 6th pyramid number is 0+1+2+3+4+5+6=(0+1+2+3+4+5)+6=f(5)+6, etc.].
So f(n+1)=n(n+1)/2 + n+1 = [n^2+n+ 2n+2] / 2 = [n^2+3n+2]/2=(n+1)(n+2)/2 which is of course (n+1)((n+1)+1)/2.
Since f(n+1)=(n+1)((n+1)+1)/2 we can deduce that P(n+1) holds.
From which we deduce (An)(P(n)--->P(n+1)) and combining this with P(0) [which we've already shown], using the rule of mathematical induction we deduce (An)P(n), i.e. for all n P(n) holds which is what we wanted in the first place.
So, the point is that the distinction between staying clean for ever and doing it one day at a time (provided one guarantees continuing to make the commitment at the end of every day) is purely psychological and not substantial.
This is all, however, somewhat tangential to the issue of actually staying clean, but I felt like a digression!
Be well everyone
D
Last edited by Dickon; 30-11-2010 at 08:30.
Reason: pyramid numbers are not triangle numbers, despite me muddling the terms!
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
OK, I take it the mathematical diversion left most people cold! A normal service will now be resumed.....
Life is very interesting and busy at the moment. I decided on Monday that I needed to make formal complaints about how I have been treated by the people at the charity I have been volunteering for, and who gave me 3 months off for jumping over a desk, and have made a huge number of other stringent conditions for my return. I am not going to go into all the details now but when I was sitting in zazen at 7 on Monday morning I knew I could not let things rest. I have a sense that someone is trying to play power games with me, probably because they clash with me. So, I have written to the boss instigating a formal grievance and making several demands.
This will at least be interesting, and lets everyone know I am not happy. I had written a letter some 10 weeks or so back but never sent it, and felt I needed to write when I was to some extent devoid of emotions. This I have now done, and it felt like absolutely the right thing to do. As I said, even if I get everything I ask for, I shall still be put through a fair bit of stress, but I think there are things that need addressing and if I'm not the person who is going to speak up, I doubt others will. I am really not all that fussed how things work out, since it was an action I can say was born of stillness and, I like to believe, correct motives.
We were at a very moving funeral of one of my wife's friends on Thursday in Bristol. It was very touching, and since the woman who died was very much into Argentinian Tango, we had Tango music and it took me back to the brief time when Kate and I were learning the tango when we were in Bristol. Who knows, I'd like to come back to it (along with 1,001 other things I'd love to do!). It was really touching and put the whole idiocy of the voluntary work thing in perspective.
On Friday, after spending the day doing 4 hours of Yoga and a fair few hours working on psychology (since I've started an Open University psychology degree) I asked my Iyengar Yoga teacher about teacher training. I had been thinking of broaching this subject for some time now, but that night the impulse was upon me and I knew it had to be done. She said she was happy to write a letter of recommendations, and thinks I am ready, so next year I shall at least do the assessment, and all things going well, will start the journey towards becoming a yoga teacher. Exciting stuff!
Today has been a Zen day, so I sat for 3 hours this morning, and had lunch with the Zen crew, some of whom had come from quite a way, and did a little bit more sewing on my Rakusu, which is a small garment I need to make if I am getting ordained next year, which is my plan.
I got home after that, and was tired to the pit of my being! I have dusted off my copy of the Sun Tzu (The Art of War) since I need to be thinking strategically in terms of what I see as something of a combat situation with the woman from the charity I volunteer for (in fact I am complaining about 3 people). I remember an old Koan on the back of a martial arts syllabus card from way back when which read "confront the enemy and he becomes a friend". Maybe this is the ultimate aim here. I really do not quite know where this is going. I do not know if results will even be all that external, but I have a sense of something. It feels right, and my initial anxiety about conflict seems to have melted away somewhat. If anything I have to watch for not enjoying it too much!
So, it's all go here. I feel slowly, slowly, my ability to be active is increasing. I still have an awful lot of attachments and rigidities, but some are starting to melt away. Studying personality in psychology has been very interesting. I was saying to someone the other day "But I don't have a personality" and she looked at me and said something along the lines of "of all the people in the gym at the moment,(where we were) the one person this is not true of is you!". I was trying to get across the idea that there is nothing fixed and immutable there. The impermanence of things. Ah, I'm likely to get all metaphysical after a Zen day and go on about Ku (emptiness) and Shiki (phenomena/form).
I was complimented on my Mokugyo (a kind of drum thing that looks like a fish) playing today, which pleased me. It's not like it's very difficult, but my brother is usually the drummer is the family. I have been trying to play Rachmaninov's G minor prelude in G minor Op 23 No 5 on the piano. It is a wonderful piece, and even muddling through it fairly slowly is enjoyable. I can play bits of it fast, but I have a lot to learn. It is somewhat fiendish and well worth a listen if anyone's into classical music. In another universe I am definitely a concert pianist! Just sadly in this one I haven't had enough lessons, although I still get a fair bit of pleasure playing through the bits I can manage.
I get a lie in tomorrow in theory, then yoga, then a 4th Birthday party, then a 1st Birthday. No rest for the wicked, or at least not much.
I love life! A yoga acquaintance said I was very happy. She was right. That said, everything seems to be falling apart around us at the moment. The washing machine broke and needed fixing. The central heating has been on the fritz which is scary as right now it's very cold here. Just recently I left the parking lights on the car and tonight we had the AA out and apparently the battery needs replacing. The LCD on our digital camera broke a few days ago. It certainly seems that things are not entirely conspiring to make life easy. Kate is not feeling as happy as sometimes, and the boys are being by turns lovely and troublesome (as per usual)!
I suppose the trick here is just to put one foot in front of the other wherever it leads to. I for one have not the faintest idea where that is. I am woefully goalless!
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dickon
Objectively there is no difference between staying clean one day at a time and staying clean forever. The staying clean one day at a time does however need two pieces to constitute a link in the chain. The first is of course affirming to stay clean for 24 hours, and the second is that after the 24 hours have passed one will make the same affirmation (including this part about making the affirmation again etc.). Logically this is equivalent to forever.
Thank you for responding to my incoherent rant in a mature and logical manner.
Argentinian Tango huh? Check these guys out...
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Bajofondo is a "Río de la Plata"-based music band consisting of eight musicians from Argentina and Uruguay. The band, which refers to itself as a "collective of composers, singers and artists", was formerly called "Bajofondo Tango Club", but shortened the name to "Bajofondo" after they felt their style had broadened, as was announced on their live concert in Berlin in April 2008.
Often compared to Gotan Project, their earlier music had blended acoustic tango and electronic music, part of an evolving tango genre which is known as "Electrotango", which brought tango back into the mainstream. Besides the aforementioned mixture of tango and techno, the band is an innovative form of DNB, house music, chill out and trip-hop. Their first record, Bajofondo Tango Club, was launched in 2003 with great success, with a second lone project from pianist/DJ/composer Luciano Supervielle greeted warmly by reviewers in late 2005. More recent music from their third album, Mar Dulce, is a fussion of Latin Alternative with contemporary music forms along the Río de la Plata at the border of Argentina and Uruguay.
I suggest the tracks: Montserrat, El Mareo, Ya No Duele, Pa' Bailar, Decollage. You can find them on yo*tube.com
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
Thanks Julian. I enjoyed the music.
I have been having a hard time of it this last week. I've been ill and spent a week without doing anything physical, which was interesting. I did manage to go to the gym today, but I am now feeling really tired and a bit distant. This last week I've been seeing the world through a glass darkly.
I just find myself once again at something of an existential point. It is the time of year for it! I am mightily glad the winter solstice is passed and the days are starting to get longer again. We have had a week of fairy heavy snow, well heavy in terms of English snow. Anyone from Northern Canada or Norway would be laughing if I called it heavy snow. So, we've had snow, I've been ill and the days are short.
I've spent the time doing some reading. I read something called "Bad Science" by Ben Goldacre which I thoroughly recommend for anyone who is interested in how we can make mistakes about reasoning scientifically. It's incredibly funny and pans the media, the alternative therapy "industry" as well as big pharma. Interestingly, and I almost guessed at this as I was reading it, he recommends at the end, among others, Stuart Sutherland's "Irrationality". I knew Stuart when he was alive, and have a couple of memories of him indelibly printed on my mind. He was an interesting character!
I also picked up Roger Penrose's Shadows of the Mind. He is a very bright man, and I love the way he tries to write books for the lay reader that display huge optimism in the ability of people to learn and understand things. I don't think this is going to be as bad as "Road to Reality" (I'm stuck on chapter 8 or 9 but still have hopes of returning to it one day). This book is discussing the mind, and Penrose's thesis is that artificial intelligence is impossible since the mind cannot, even in principle, be modelled by a computer [he uses Godel's Incompleteness theorem to try to show that human mathematicians can do something a computer never can]. He will later on, I believe, start to talk more about the (as yet undiscovered) physics that could give rise to uncomputable physical systems. I hope you are all paying attention, as there will be a short quiz after this post!
I also looked up the local Professor of Mathematical Logic (who knows my mother and with whom I've had lunch a few years back) and downloaded some of what he's working on. I've been gripped by a hankering to get back to doing some mathematics and I've also spent some time starting to get up to speed on some model theory. I am thinking about sitting in on at a seminar or two with the logicians in the Oxford maths department. Who knows maybe if I got up to speed I could even get a post-doc. It would beat real work!
This morning I finally made it to the gym for a 7.15 yoga class but the teacher didn't turn up, and I ended up teaching it myself. This is the first time I've ever really taught a yoga class. I have led a few Ashtanga classes before, but I've never stood at the front and taught a class facing them before. It was a good "proof of concept" that I can teach yoga! All things considered it went well. I muddled together some bits and pieces and after my initial concern of "how do I fill the time?" I ended up wondering more "where has all the time gone?". It taught me a lot about what I don't really understand and which if all goes well I'll learn about if I start the teacher training next year. I think learning more about sequencing poses will be really interesting and important. Obviously if I did become a teacher I'd have time to plan classes before hand which I didn't today.
I find this time of year difficult. As a non-drinker who tries to eat fairly healthily I can't say it's the easiest time of year. I am afraid I'm a complete wuss and I just try and keep everyone else happy. It's not a time of year when I assert myself all that much. I think we have a reasonably good plan to see the necessary relatives, give Henry and Alexander an exciting day but I have to say it's not something I particularly look forward to.
Perhaps I should change my focus on getting to the end of what has been an interesting and productive year in many ways. 2011 could also be a really exciting time for me. I also think a few people on here have been suffering from winter grumpiness. I got one really weird PM yesterday and it upset me a little. I aired it with some people and feel a lot better for having done that. It's horrible to receive a totally uncalled for, undermining message even if it's so completely off-beam it's ridiculous - it went on about NA and my sponsor. Since I don't go to NA meetings it's on the strange side.
But I shall put the word out, if anyone wants to say anything to me about how I mod this forum please let me know. I am trying to do my best. I got some slack fairly recently because of something I wrote, but that I think was my own fault for not making myself sufficiently clear. Anyway, all comments and constructive criticisms are gratefully received.
If anyone is struggling at this time my heart goes out. I've been struggling too. Short days (at least for those in the Northern hemisphere), Christmas, family and a lot of alcohol floating around are possibly not the best things for many people. For me having a particularly difficult 3 year old and a small just walking 1 year old is a huge handful. Henry is going through such a difficult phase at the moment, and today he broke a plate my wife has that apparently was given by an Emperor of Japan to President Tylor. This, as you can imagine, caused Kate to be seriously upset.
Bah Humbug and a very merry Christmas and happy new year to everyone!
Stay safe and let's get through to 2011 in one piece (unlike the plate)
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
Hello everyone, and a very happy 2011.
It has been a difficult time for me of late. The greatest lesson is that I have really connected with my need for meditation to help centre myself if I am not feeling right. Naturally this is not always practical since a large part of the stress in my life is caused by my too young boys. Henry is going to be 4 next month and Alexander is 15 months.
Christmas and new year without drinking are hard enough and having the mother-in-law over is never easy. I seemed to linger in not-quite-wellness for far too long and to top it all on Christmas day itself I stabbed myself opening Children's presents. Granted, I was in something of a grinchy mood so probably brought it on myself. I ended up going to Accident and Emergency after the thing hadn't stopped bleeding after 2 and a half hours and got it bandaged up. I decided to discharge myself rather than wait 2 hours or more to see a doctor and probably have stitches. Anyway, I have a bump in my right hand now and we'll see how well the whole things heals up. I didn't cut into nerves or tendons and functionality is now pretty good. I've done enough dog poses and standing on my hands to test it!
I am really glad the days are getting that little bit longer. I saw the white of a not-quite-open snowdrop the other day and I convinced myself spring is just starting. Yes, I am a hopeless optimist!
As far as life goes, I think my life is far more interesting lived from the inside out rather than as seen from the outside in. I have been carrying on doing a lot of yoga. I want to get to as good a standard as possible before the teacher training assessment later this year.
We looked at a really nice school for Henry and we put it on the top of our application which we completed yesterday. The trouble is the way the state school system works with catchment areas and so on, we've no idea if he'll get it. We are not even sure yet if it's going to exist since it's changing from being a private school to being a state academy if it gets funding. OK, I'm not going to go on about this now, but maybe will if H gets in. The second choice is a lovely little place I know the headmistress of from yoga. The third choice is not considered great at all, but despite having a fairly bad OFSTED report it seemed very friendly when we went. It is in the lap of the gods now.
Henry's latest obsession is snooker and pool. So two days ago I took Henry to the Oxford Union since it seems to be one of only two places (at least that I could find) in Oxford that had full size snooker tables. Today I took him to Wadham College to play pool and then quckly into the museum to look at dinosaurs and mummies. He was cross with me for not then taking him back to the Union to play some more snooker. Parenting is a thankless task!
Kate is off at Choir tonight and apparently today bought herself her favourite new outfit in ages. I will get to see it on Saturday when we're off to a part with the pianist from Kate's choir who is also the Wadham college organist. This was the college that Kate and I were both at and where we got married! I can't remember if I've mentioned before that we both had the same room at the college, one after another and we didn't know each other when we were there although she knew me to look at! It's a rather magical story. I met her through her father-in-law years later, when he ultimately became my PhD supervisor.
Anyway, supper is beeping and I am hungry. I've had a tough month, but am still in the game and still very much in a family context!
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
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Parenting is a thankless task!
No truer words have been spoken. It' always, in the words of Jody Watley, "What have you done for me lately?" isn't it? Got a 23 month-old and a 7 year-old. And getting through the holidays was a monumental task for me as well. First sober Christmas Season since age 15 (ooh, did I just say that?). As the head of household we feel an enormous responsibility to ensure our family's happiness especially at this time of year, right? It is taxing, no doubt. But you made it through and will inevitably have a much easier time of it next Holiday Season. You may be underestimating the feat you've accomplished, IMO. Thanks for everything and a happy new year to you!
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
It has been a little while since I last wrote on here. I have not been bitten by the communicative bug for a while, but it seems at this very moment to be upon me, so I shall write a little bit.
I have not been having an easy time of it, internally at least. In fact 3 weeks ago I managed to do my neck and/or shoulder in and so I'm now not having the best time of it externally too. Everyone is telling me how lopsided I am now holding myself which is making me somewhat self-conscious. I have a doctors appointment in a week or so, so I'll get it checked out. I think it is gradually sorting itself out, but I find it very hard to lift my head up or concave the upper spine. I think I've trapped a nerve since I get tingling down my right arm into my fingers doing certain things.
It is a very strange thing, that seems to have no easy to identify cause. It makes no sense to me that although concaving the back seems bad in a forward bend, doing a full wheel pose (google urdhva dhanurasana, and no I don't do it like those pictures yet!) is not as uncomfortable as just lying on my back. Anyway, I finally took a few days off exercise, but it doesn't seem to have helped much, so today I went back to do some yoga. The real point is, getting injured is crap. I've felt irritable, tired, and not right. Avoid injury if you can!
At least I spent a few days catching up on my Open University studies which I had got somewhat behind on, and managed to complete my application to Oxford for this MSc in applied statistics. Next on the agenda is applying to some other places. You just cannot guarantee getting places anywhere, even though I think I have a good chance.
Maybe it is just the end of winter that has proven hard in a claustrophobic sense. Today I managed to get rid of some modicum of clutter, and took lots of old stuff to a charity shop. It was good that Henry who was 4 yesterday actually helped select toys he no longer wanted.
Henry's current favourite things are Sonic the Hedgehog and his new full size "American" pool balls (i.e. numbered with stripes and spots, and not just 7 red and 7 yellow ones). He had a Sonic the Hedgehog theme to his birthday with Sonic plates, a Sonic card and Sonic videos (yes they made a cartoon from the computer game character).
Being a parent is hard. I feel so woefully ill-equipped for it a lot of the time. But I suppose "Your parents fuck you up" and there is little you can do as a parent to avoid fucking up your children. I would love to lay claim to being some super enlightened person who knows how to deal appropriately with everything that arises. I am however not. I often feel quite adrift in a world that makes only a limited amount of sense to me. Hey, that's no bad thing, I just somehow feel I have drifted into my second marriage and having children. It was decidedly not what I set out to do. Maybe it is just that biology will out. Perhaps I am not all that rubbish as a husband and parent after all.
Anyway! Let's leave that little bundle of parental neurosis at the door. I'm sure it's common to pretty much all of us. The thing that scares me and comforts me by equal measure is an uneasy sense that what I think is right is almost certainly not, so perhaps the things I am most happy with by way of parenting will turn out to have the worst effects, and vice versa. 4 billion years of evolution have surely provided some mechanism for this to happen that probably has nothing to do with my conscious ideas about it! I will take comfort in that fact.
I have, since last writing, met up with two people from DF, both of whom I liked a lot. It is strange that both of these saw me at the Zen group, so I end up meeting people as I don a black kimono, sit staring at a wall, followed by doing a bit of Japanese chanting! Yes, it is, as I said somewhere else on here today, a funny old world. At least one of the two people I met also had the whole black kimono thing going on.
We are having the ground floor floor redone this week, so we shall be off to Bristol for a couple of days on Tuesday. This will be, I hope, a nice couple of days away staying at my father-in-law's.
What else. My cat ordered some piracetam, but after doing a bit more in depth research decided this was almost certainly a bad idea, so I don't think he's going to use it. One account of withdrawal effects is more than enough to make this something of a no-no. I'll maybe just get some fish oil, vitamins and ginkgo. You know, at time I feel old. It's not that I can't do several hours of exercise many days a week, but it's the between times. I know what it is like to feel fresh, switched on, in the moment and alive. Maybe it is the addict that craves experiencing this moment to moment, and perhaps it is deluded of me to think this is achievable, but in some ways I do.
It has been 2 1/3 years since cat quit all drugs. Perhaps it is unrealistic at 41 to expect to feel like a 28 year old (the age I was when cat first quit drugs and seemed full of boundless energy). I wonder if I need to look closer at my diet or other aspect of my lifestyle. Maybe it is just that we are getting to the end of winter and I am a little fed up with it. I have stopped meditating at home so much which I must resume since meditation is one of the best tools to help with mental clarity.
At least I've been doing my bit to help people on here and writing a lot of PMs of late, and a couple of people in the real world who I see in my work as a volunteer. I think some kind of a change is coming. I need the longer days and a bit of warmth. Sometimes I would like to have an easy place in the world that requires little by way of explanation.
Right now though I need some sleep. I am just really tired.
Spring is on the way. There is blossom coming and I saw a daffodil out today.
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
D, its interesting to hear that your cat is having some problems as a 41 year old recovering junkie. His cat has been clean for 2 1/3 years, His cat has been clean much longer in the past. Enjoy and embrace the monumental achievement that D knows that his cat has acomplished. His cat is 41 he's not used to the natural aches and pains that arise once one starts to get old. LOL you old bastard!!!!!
Dave(ROCs friend) showed up a few weeks after Ds cat. He and D became friends(along with many others), and started this journey together. D's cat has done the best of all the old gang(Avid fan excepted). DS's been on Daves ass since Dec. 08, and Dave appreciates evreything D (and his cat) have done to help.
On a personal note Dave has been drinking a bit, but it hasn't been the focus. Listen D, Dave's given up alot, but he's not ready to give this up. He can honestly say he has only taken prescibed meds(NO opiates).
Re: Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?
Tingling down your arm sounds like a possible disc herniation pressing on the sciatic nerve. I know how absurd it may sound trying to diagnose someone through the interwebz, but I've had to deal with spinal disc problems for years, from the irritating, right through to the horrendously crippling 'OMG just shoot me to put me out of my agony!' types.
I'd suggest trying a decent anti-inflammatory [Arcoxia has often worked wonders] and not moving in any manner that causes discomfort. Trying to exercise through the pain is not a good idea.
With regards to your Piracetam research, what particular issue caused you concern? I'm still not convinced the effects, pos/neg, aren't just placebo anyway.
