I can't turn to my doctor for help, and I'm not going to tell him when I'm clean, I'm going to just keep getting the prescriptions and save them for a rainy day like I did when I quit before for a couple months.
The doctor is an ass. He is responsible for this, because I'm disabled, and on disability. If I go against his advice, disability can cut me off, then my wife and our baby will starve because of me. I'm barely hanging on as it is on my disability for all 3 of us, I cannot jeopardize that.
If I can ever work again, I will, but I doubt it, I don't want this, I want to work, and I can't, and I'm not much of a man anymore, reduced to being a useless tit now.
I probably should be on the meds, but I can't live with myself when I am, I hate myself, and what I have become, and what I am like when I am in pain or on the meds. I have nothing but guilt for letting everyone down. No, I'm no man anymore, just a shell of the one I used to be.
I've talked to my doctor many times about alternative medications, but this is the last ditch attempt to bring my pain under control, and it failed. It helps, but not much anymore, it just makes life go from wanting to blow my head off from the pain, to being able to exist as a shell. What great choices I have.
I cannot change doctors, as I likve in a small community in Nova Scotia, and have to travel an hour to them as it is, and cannot find a better doctor than him, because at least HE will prescribe pain meds, when the others will not.
The pain clinic is useless at the hospital, I waited 3 years to get in there, went to 3 appointments and then quit, because they just told me to go to support groups, who would not even return my calls. Screw them, screw them all.
Nobody wants to help me, they are all arrogant, and couldn't care less about me.
I'm just stuck here, stuck in limbo with no way out.
My wife and new baby daughter are all that keep me going to be honest, before I met her, I walked up to the bridge, stood there, ready to jump, but the bridge patrol seen me on their cameras, and drove over to see what I was up to, just standing there at the 400 ft height looking down on the harbor below, I pretended to be taking pictures, when really, I just wanted to video
the way down. That;s how low I've been with all of this.
I'm not at that point in my life anymore, but I'm afraid if I ever get that bad again, I might. I know I'm a burden to my wife, but she just says with a tear in her eye "I chose this", which doesn't make me feel any better about how I effect her life, and wear her out.
Don't worry, I'm NOT suicidal, I'm just sharing where I've come from, and where I never want to be ever again, something inside me burns, a tiny flame that no matter how hard it gets, something just keeps me going, and I can only imagine it's because I have unfinished business here still.
I just don't know what that is, aside from being there for my family, which is the thing I'm just trying to do, but not doing very well, in fact, since I started trying to make thing better, I've made them a hundred times worse.
I don't know what to do next.
I can't stand living ON the pills, nor without them, how can I create an alternative choice? Can I?
Or am I just screwed like I feel I am?
tryinmybest added 23 Minutes and 32 Seconds later...
By the way, if any of you have noticed, there are ALOT of changes coming in the word that we are familiar with, and only the strong will survive. I am not strong.