just doesn't understand... why cant he feel "normal" again on subutex
? he tells himself he will feel better everyday, but everyday he does not. sure, 4 months ago he felt great because he was no longer "dope sick" but now the realization is setting in that he is still not
OK. It makes no difference if he takes 16mg, 8mg, or 4mg, bottom line is he us constantly thinking about opiates
. subutex is like a sugar pill for swim.
Swim cannot figure it out though. before during and after his opiate
useage he had plenty of straight friends. he has a great family and good values. he had a beautiful gf before & while using opiates who never even drank. now he has a new gf who he is crazy about (nevermind beautiful!) he drives a sports car, he has investments numbering in the 100k's, he just graduated college (hates school so this is awesome!!!) he invests in real estate, swim just cannot figure out why this mental anguish must persist? swim can ONLY rationalize this because of his accidents. swim has almost died numerous times. he has had severe concussions (5+) that would of killed the average person. swim has bad luck when it comes to accidents (childhood mostly) but always worked through it. in highschool swim only enjoyed to drink on the weekend. swim was very popular and good looking, so friends, girls, and "stuff to do" was never an issue!!! since swim stopped using opiates he has gone to the gym as well, and is in great shape!
BUT after his last accident, his opiate usage (20mg once a week maybe?) turned into 300-400mg a day habit (whatever i could afford)...
this is how it happened: after his concussion he suffered from severe concussion syndromes .... this SNOWBALLED into anxiety, which prevented swim from being able to sleep, and when he could, he woke up several times a night (yes literally). this caused his grades to drop, and his depression to set in. he started to feel like a failure. math was no longer making sense to him. SWIM was no longer sleeping, was full of anxiety, was full of depression all because of his accident. swim was prescribed painkillers for his accident, which made him feel "normal" when he was at his lowest moments. no one understood how it happened, including himself. when people found out, they were blown away ... because bottom line is swims life was GREAT!
now, the concussion sides have faded. swim was put on an anti-depressant which launched his usage into the sky. thats when swim really started to get wreckless with spending too much money on them. this was not a simple "lets have fun, oh shit i cant stop now" this was swim knowing what he was doing but would do ANYTHING to escape from his mental state.
swim went to concussion specialists, got MRIs, second opinions, the works.. nothing worked. swim started to think the problem was his opiate use, and after spending all his money, he wanted to stop this lifestyle he did not agree with. swim was always an extremely confident person, but he found himself crying when people asked him "what is wrong?" swim told himself "it must be the opiates!" so swim told himself it was time to stop the lifestyle. swim started IVing because it was more cost effective per say... he could get off to 60mg oxycodone
IV for just as long as he could snorting
them, but got a "rush" from it too.
Anyway, after 2 months swim went from 8mg subutex to 4-6mg daily. now swim is back to taking 6-8mg without his doctor knowing. his doctor wants to drop him down to 2mg a day but at this point swim is about to give up hope!
I hope this post may have made a little more sense. I do not feel like his use was because of escaping from reality, from partying, or wanting to have a good time. swim is a good person who just could not escape his mental anguish.
SWIM blames it all on his concussions and injuries. at this point, he feels as if using opiates was the only thing in his life that made him feel normal. I am not talking about drooling or nodding out, it wasn't about that. I used and became energetic, my anxiety went away, my depression lifted, my sleep was back. thats why he used.....
When swim tells his doctors this, they think he is a stable patient who is just going through some hard times. yes, these times are hard, but swim does not feel like he is getting better! he is only "better" because he is constantly forcing himself to believe he is better. yes his money is back, yes his lifestyle is gone, but his cravings for opiates are as strong as ever. also he lives in 2 different locations: school during the week and home during the weekend. swim DOES NOT hang around any opiate users and does not associate with them either.
swims subutex doctor doesn't take insurance and is also an "addiction
specialist" with a degree from an ivy league school and NYU medical school degree, so he has helped countless amounts of people but 400 dollars a visit and 200 for the subs is KILLING his bank, its basically as much as his oxy habit!
swim doesn't know what to do anymore, but swim is starting to think he never knew what to do to begin wth