OK, I'm having a little trouble with this procedure and feedback would be appreciated. Now, to start off with, I just read this thread earlier tonight and I probably wasn't prepared the best, and had to make do with utensils that I had on-hand....they may be just a tad "off-spec", but I don't see the differences being very significant. Along those lines, let me just sort of lay out the procedure as I experienced it, and see if any of you can sort of help me refine my procedure.
All right....First, I gathered up the materials I required. I got a clean and heretofore unused 5 gallon bucket, a two to two-and-a-half foot length of good stout garden hose (cut at 90 degrees on the connection end and at about 45 degrees on the business end), a tube of JB Weld, 4 gallons of distilled water, a crawfish pot
burner, and some lotion that my great-great grandpa swore by....it's called "Ben Gay". I almost didn't want to say that here considering the brand name and the subject matter, because I didn't want anyone here to think that I was of the homosexual persuasionalitisms, but since I never heard of this brand of lube I figured no one else would have either, so I figured I needed to go ahead and just lay it on out, and also, I thought, "hey, what the hell....we're all intelligent, sensible, level-headed grown ups here".
I drilled a 3" hole in the bottom of the bucket (it's kinda big garden hose....uhhhn, well, it may be some of that hose that is used on retail gas pumps....I say that because my great-grandpa owned a service station, and also because the hose was reinforced with stout stainless steel reinforcement weaving...real hard to cut through, you know, and leaves a lot of jagged ends poking out when you cut it. I'm sure you all know what I am referring to. I took the perpendicular cut end and glued onto the bottom of the bucket via the 3" hole, and affixed it thereto with JB Weld. I hung the bucket up about chest high, and prepared the other end for insertion. Ever the resourceful individual that I am, I made sure that the business end was cut at a good 45 degree angle for pinhole precision on point of insertion, and for supreme comfort, I really slathered the pointified end with that lube, taking great care to makes sure that all the thousands and thousands and thousands of jagged stainless steel reinforcement wires poking out from the layers of hose were really lubed up very good...I know, I know, smart move if I may say so myself!!
Now, I know how important it is that the H2O (that's water, now) is adequately warmed before the solution is mixed, so I got four gallons of H20 (that's still water, now....I'm trying not to be too technical here, but as they say, you may be able to get the boy out of the doctor, but you can't get the doctor out of the boy (unless you pour freezing/scalding H2O on them...oh, that's actually water), and I got it to a robust, volcanic, rolling boil and held it there for 2.5 minutes.
Realizing that I had no valve or other stop on the insertion hose, and knowing again the importance of retaining the warmness of the H2O (that's water) from fix to finish, I took the generously lubed hose and inserted it into my nether regions, right up betwixt my loins, assuring that I would spill not even a tiny drop of H2O (that's the chemical formula for water, now, you all), and that I would lose the most minimal amount of heat from the H2O (better known as "water", the very fluid of life itself for all of you that aren't as ejucaded as myself) as possible, and I tightened up my sphincter to about 86.95 foot pounds of pressure for a super-duper high-pressure seal, and I prepared myself for immediate and full influx of pre-warmed water (or, H2O, for the more technically minded persons such as myself!), the proverbial "two-birds-with-one-stone" if ever such a condition existed!!
I sprinkled the bottle of MS Dash into the pot (all they had down to the Winn-Dixie was the real McCoy, no generic available, and the more informed readers here will know that the MS in MS Dash is Morfiend Sulfate ..... just a little less expensive! I had to go make groceries there anyway, and hey, a penny saved is a penny earned and all that). I got everything lines up and ready, and I jerked the violently boiling crawfish pot off of the butane burner and poured the steaming water (or as we used to say back in medical school, "H2O") immediately if not sooner into the bucket/funnel...without losing even a tenth of a degree, I am proud to say! Obviously, I quickly swirled the morfiend into the boiling H2O (more commonly known as 'water') as it passed through the bucket, and I began to accept this heated anal gesic into my abdomenable, allthewhile giggling and chanting one of my favorite rhymes ...and an oldschool rhyme at that!! - "Through the sphincter and down the rec-tum, lookout colon, here it comes!"
Within the span of less than 5 seconds, I was infused with the sweet, hot, delicious nectar, grinning from ear to ear like the proverbial Esquire Cat, or, like the erstwhile proverbial 'possum eatin' shit (choose the colloquialismicatactic vernacularism of your choice)...and then, all of a sudden, after the faultless and downdamnedright professional procedure thusfar, with approximately 3.75 gal fed and 0.25 gal to go, the flow of the MS Dash/H2O (which as you all may possibly know, means "water") solution/mixture stopped. YES! STOPPED!
Immediately, I screamed "HELLFAHR AND GAWDAMNATION!", my cat-like reflexes took over and my glands erupted, pushing me forward almost as if by rote in abject, adrenaline
fueled fury .... and then, heavy, phermone laced gases surged and roiled forth from my expansive colon like a tsunami of grace, speed, and raw POWER, squeezing past my sphincter so fast that everyone in my house (and every of the neighbors' on my block, to boot) clearly heard it sailing past my clamped sphincter at the speed of light as brash, staccato barking erupted therefrom as well....and then, yes, I turned around and like a deadly striking cobrasnake named "Cobrasnake", and deftly snapped my lightning-quick nutscratchers forward and snapped the old Kung-Fu grip around the hose...and, I felt the plug! Thinking that it was a little glob of Morphemes, I clenched down on the end distal to the bucket with my sphincter, and on the bulge with my hand...and a damned gerbil came FLYING OUTTA THE HOSE LIKE A BAT OUTTA HELL,and TA_DAAAAAAaaaa! DDone!
Now, I realize that upon reading this, you are all thinking to yourselves, "Yes....Well!?"...wondering what "problem" I could be having with this absolutely FLAWLESS rendtition of pluggation! So, Ill get right to it....as odd as it may seem, I had some minor discomfort after the procedure. I know it sounds crazy, but I actually did!
Any hints!? Is it maybe my heretofore unassailed anal cavity, or what!?