Walk away or support canabis addict

[Pebs]

SWIM is struggling to decide what to do. Should she stay or should she walk away. SWIM is married to a lovely chap but one that is an addict when they met and married 9 years ago they both smoked canabis but this is all they have ever done. SWIM is very strong minded and she has a great deal of will power she can do what she puts her mind to and she may have set backs but normally 9/10 times she succeeds and she gave up canabis and smoking fags 2 years ago and has never looked back has no intentions of ever touching it again.

Swims husband unfortunatly does not have the same will power or strength which swim understands and swim has wanted to help him but she is finding it hard now. Swim has 3 children one just hit the teenage years so is very challenging and the other 2 are at different ages but both under the age of two so she has her hands well and truly full.

Swims husband has a very addictive personality if its not canabis its fruit machines if its not that it is coke a cola or sprite or food and if it was not that he would easily be led to drink alcohol. The problem Swim has is when does she call it a day and say enough is anough or what does she do now?

A few months ago after being down this road many times previously Swim told her husbands family she had enough and he was to leave they all came to the house to talk to swims husband and he told them all it was swims fault that he smoked canabis if she did this or she did that he would not have to smoke, the usual things that addicts say and do, swim knows this and swim tried to explain this to his family but they all thought that swim should try harder and swims poor husband needed more help from her. She reluctantly decided ok she would try but she told swim that if he was to stay he would have to want to get clean for his own good no one else and if he did not want this then that is fine but Swim could no longer be part of it because Swim worrys that it would eventually wear down her own strength at staying away from the addictions that she has done really well to stay away from despite having it around her.

Swims husband did get help and still does he attends a weekly NA meeting and he also sees a specialist drug counciler at a local center Swim has been so proud and pleased for her husband and he had done so well but the understanding was that swims husband would be up front and honest and if there was ever a problem he would tell swim.

Swims husband is back smoking the weed and he is telling so many lies swim is devestated. Swim confronted him a few days ago because she knew from all the signs and the large volumes of cash vanishing that the problem was back but swims husband told her that the tobbacco and the remains of weed in his car where not his but a friends that he had dropped home from work and his friend had left the pouch in his car, hmm cant kid a kidder! Swims husband said its tobbacco he never smokes and papers that he would never use so swim should see that it is definatly not his, swim so wante to believe this but deep down knew it was lies swim said ok swear on your baby sons life then, what a stupid thing for swim to do knowing what addicts do, he swore on his life...... Swim did something today she has neve done in the 9yrs of marriage and she checked his mobile sure enough on his phone was a text in his inbox saying yeh mate I can get you green. This was only a few days ago that the text was recieved so swim knows that her husband is smoking it and just telling lies yet again. She knew really from the twitchy legs the fact that swim is always popping out to the shop, is being really nice to her one min and then snappy the next and the fact that when he comes back from the shop he can never look at her.

Swim is so so fed up she has had enough of the lies and more so the fact that they cant afford for the vast amounts of money he uses on this green to be spent christmas is coming and the 3 children will be waiting for santa swim can hardly say sorry no presents santa decided to get stoned instead can she.

Swim has contacted her husbands counciler and made him aware but that is all she can do right now because swims husband will not admit he is smoking it again. What should swim do her head says kick him out move on with life you dont need to be dragged down anymore, but swims heart says when she looks at her little children they love there daddy please dont make him go away and not be there for them everyday.

Swim is broken hearted and swim cant think straight she just has no idea what she should d but she does know that she does not want to be with a smoker/addict because she needs to and wants to stay away from it all for her own sake and her childrens.

What advice should I give Swim????

[Vonn]

This is a very difficult situation for your friend to be in, because of the fact that you have children, and also because you were using not that long ago. It's fantastic that you were able to give up so easily, however it does sound like the husband just isn't ready to quit, and don't take that nonsense that "if you did this more", or "if you didnt do that I would stop i promise" because that is just a cop-out.

If your friend honestly feels that he is a negative influence in the children's lives then she needs to get out, even if only for a week or two to have a bit of a breather and a think. There is a lot of support out there for single mothers if she does choose to go that way, and maybe the husband would see the detrimental effect that his habit has on the family and that would give him that extra motivation to quit. If she does decide to leave then that doesn't necesarily mean that he will be out of the childrens lives altogether, I know from my own personal experience that sometimes it is better to have parents separated and happier than together and unhappy or fighting constantly.

Anyway wish your friend luck, and I'm here to talk to if you want to PM me at anytime.

Vonn

[Pebs]

Yes it is difficult for swim especially as her youngest is only 7 months and the second not 2 for a few months yet, she has a mortgage and is still trying to clear the debt created by the addiction from last time. She is on extended maternity leave so trying to pay all bills mortgage and clear the created debt all from her husbands wage she was doing quite well and managing the finances however wondered why it was all going wrong a few weeks ago now she knows.

Swim took all bank cards etc away from her husband but allowed him access now and then just recently after over 100 days of being clean she gave him a little of her trust but that has now been abused as he has been using the card to get cash back when nipping to the shop to get things for her.

Swim thinks that she probably should be cruel to be kind and boot him out for now until he can prove he is clean but she I think is a little scared as her eldest son the 13 yr old has a different dad he abused her trust many years ago and went of with many other women and left her when her eldest was just a few months old she raised him alone with no help no family etc until she met her husband when her son was 4 years old. I think she is worried how she will cope with no family trying to care for all three alone and how to pay the bills. The youngest is a handful she has had many problems and does not sleep really she still wakes 7 times a night so Swim only gets a few hours broken sleep if she is lucky and this has been the same for the past 7 months not one night any different.

Swim just feels very let down and wishes there was a magic answer especially as swims husband was doing so well 100 odd days not touching anything and then back to it all how frustrating.........

[ronpintx]

If it's really just the money involved (not likely) -- then a cheap compromise might be synthetic cannabinoids. 50 pounds a month for a simple '018 home blend sounds like a cheap hobby (go to the RC cannabinoids forum).

[Pebs]

Na not just the money swim has had enough of all of it she wants to help him but is tired herself now, he would only ever smoke the real deal if you like nothing else would be good enough.

[ronpintx]

Originally Posted by Pebs

Na not just the money swim has had enough of all of it she wants to help him but is tired herself now, he would only ever smoke the real deal if you like nothing else would be good enough.

Then Jiggy recommends a fully contrite -- very personal renewed Faith -- along with a good source of paper napkins. SWIY will need alot of both for many months to come (Jiggy knows). God bless.

[salviablue]

If you don't mind me asking, and I'm not trying to offer excuses etc.....
Why is his smoking an issue?

Obviously the amount of money spent, especially when money is tight, is an issue. It should be thought about how much each parent spends on luxuries for them selves. That is the "luxury budget", what gets spent on weed gets taken from that for other luxuries. (Chocolate, tea, coffee, other inebrients, sweets, biscuits, fast food, luxury food (i.e. expensive or convenient food), books, mags, phone credit, driving - take public transport (where fuel cost is greater than public transport costs), etc.... you get the picture.
There are ofcourse otherways to factor pot into the bill. One that is great for eliminating expenditure to near zero, and having the complete control over what exactly is being ingested would be to grow it.

Why does he reject the notion of a synthetic like JWH-018 (it is cheaper and less mentally debilitating - ISWIMHO)?

I suspect from the post that its the neurosis that constant cannabis saturation seems to eek from heavy users that is the main issue. If this is a serious problem (he is abusive or neglectful), where the health of the family unit would be better served through separation, then the possibility of seperation must be put onto the table.
People can have issues like this anyway, sober, and it may be that the pot is not the cause, however, from how it is described, I do not think this the case here. Although it is likely that these personal issues are there, underlying, and the saturation with cannabis is bringing them to the surface, reducing his mental ability to keep these issues in check.

Remember that if his addictive personality is that strong, then if he wasn't constantly on the pot, he would be constantly on something else. The alternatives may very well offer greater adverse side effects, what is the "lesser of the evils?". There would have to be an "acceptable" alternative.

Ultimately I think that questionis the key and has to be very honestly answered (Why is his cannabis ingestion problem? What would/could be an alternative?/Could the possible substitutions be any worse/better?/ Would the family really be better off "with out" him living with or without).

Keep in mind that seperation may very possibly make him worse, have him turn to much more destructive substances (alcohol/opiates). Even if he is out of the family unit, would it be then worse to have him effectively ostracised from his immediate family? To have the kids grow up not knowing their father because he is some "dirty abusive drug addict", or worse. Even a barely functional dad in the home may be better than a dangerous one estranged.

When SWIPebs married this guy, she knew what he was like. It is a bit beyond the promises of marriage to then expect the other half to change his/her ways. In all honesty, just this kind of situation should have been discussed before marriage, i.e. (what when we have kids, what if one of us goes tea total, etc..).

Then again it is a psychological addiction just like any other, and what applies to those applies to this here.

It is also very easy for the one that has had the ability to quit an addiction to be very dissmissive to those that do not. I personally know of many ex-smokers that become vehement anti tobacco vigilantes, much less tolerant to those whom have never picked up the habit, or have their breathing space violated by inconsiderate smokers. Infact there is a thread discussion current that addresses these issues (pecking order of drug users/addicts) and there it is noted that ex-addicts often are the worse offenders for "looking down" upon those still addicted.


There tends to be common arguments used aimed at those whom continue to "use" drugs well into adulthood, past those whom do not (usually because the majority of young people "use" drugs for escapism or due to peer pressure, and once those periods have passed - the person becomes more settled or happier in life/themselves or they mature beyond the effects of peer pressure), I will list a few of these here.

"well you have kids now, you have responsibilities, you shouldn't be doing that crap now"
"its illegal and you will end up with a criminal record, good for the kids to follow and/or talk about at school"
What happens if one of your kids gets hold of it and eats it?"
and this one usually from partners "you have me now, yoou don't need those drugs anymore" or "you have me/and kids now, you should need/want anything else" or "you have kids now, you don't need drugs".

These arguments often make things worse and really cut no mustard. They are pretty meaningless, there are myriads of things we do everyday that we don't have to, we just do for pleasure or convenience, yet that are usually more risky or cause more harm than that of informed recreational drug use. There are also many many things we all do that are illegal and could land us in gaol, some of which we would even know, or think that little of we take no effort to cover up (anyone kept a TV recording for more than 6 months, or driven whilst taking cough medicine? - UK).

I think these kinds of statements come from unknowing, fear and social status/standing, the need to fit in to the view of others (even though they are often not their own views).


Ofcourse, as I have argued in the past, there can be no denying, in my mind, that the constant saturation with any substance will lead to social/mental problems, even if the substance was as pure as can be. Cannabis is no different.

All the things relavent to this situation need to be brought onto the table and put into perspective. Both parties need to be involved with this. Come back here for advice, facts and experiences.

If this guy is using for avoidance, or "mental management", and if without the pot he is worse off, then his use need not stop, just become managed so as not to be so debilitating, else the meds/treatment needs to change.
If anything could "happily" replace the pot in his life, and there is nothing less impacting available, he needs serious help, not just for his substance use/abuse, but for his mental health.
I was once told by an experienced mental health counsellor that substance use to help "wind down" or keep help "mental demons" at bay is fine, even if it becomes habitual, yes its not ideal, one often ends up in the position that one cannot "wind down" tec. without it. Its when it impacts on our lives either because of its effects or how it effects us, when it can become a problem.
Addiction need not necessarily be a problem in its self.


In addition, I have noticed, just through personal experience, that, covering the majority, women (the maternal type) tend to, once having begotten children, "conform" to the commonly accepted view that fits with the possible future safety for their offspring. This often leads to the female in the family to reject things like fast driving, "risky" extreme sports, recreational drugs use, political activism, etc.. but gaining affinity to community/social grouping/activities, conforming with the local sensibilities, looking towards organised religion, etc..
Under the same kind of pre-assumptions, men (the paternal type) tend to continue to pursue "selfish" endeavours that tend to be more impacting on others, not necessarily negatively so, and often continue to pursue activities enjoyed or conceived earlier in life. They also tend to become more depressed/despondent when they feel they cannot provide for the family, then often becoming "useless".

Both mothers and father will fight suggestions that their mental faculties may not be all there, as this is doubting their ability to provide/care for their home unit, or that they cannot manage their own "head space".


Question, does this father work, i.e. provide an income over government provided benefits?


I am not trying to be dismissive nor provocative, just trying to bring to light all factor that may need to be discussed/contemplated before SWIPebs can decide on what course of action may be necessary to undertake. This is obviously something not to be acted upon lightly and, not wanting to seem patronising, need every conceivable avenue explored before decisions are made.

What ever happens, good luck and I do not envy you your predicament.

Sorry corvardus, somehow I missed your post, not quite how I would have put it, but by and large, this is the "air of the matter" I am feeling.

@Pobb, that is possibly the worst thing she could do. If that was a serious suggestion, I would expect that either you have not looked around this site enough, do not understand what this site is about or have not looked at the frank literature/site nor spoken to them - certainly not in any depth.
Although kudos for the sentiments.

[nutellajunkie]

My this is a hard situation. I know its just a small idea, but have you spoke to frank about this? A little more understanding about the addiction may perhaps ease the pressure and educate you a little more.

Just remember even though its a shit state of affairs to be in, the addiction may not be his fault. Its his coping strategy that many of us on here are very aware of.

However, he should stand up to his responsibilities as a parent and a husband and at least lower the habit. Its very selfish if all he does is sit about being stoned most of the time.

SWIM understands the anguish you must be feeing through all this, and how upset feelings are. Things are tough and you probably feel like quitting, and its a difficult situation. If talking (arguing) with him doesn't seem to help, dont give in, perhaps bring in a third party, and discuss it rationally.

[corvardus]

Pebs this advice is going to be harsh sounding, but this is how SWIM sees it. Some aspects of it would are certainly not flattering and the advice, SWIM feels, would be of long term benefit to all, including your children.

Swim took all bank cards etc away from her husband but allowed him access now and then just recently after over 100 days of being clean she gave him a little of her trust but that has now been abused as he has been using the card to get cash back when nipping to the shop to get things for her.

SWIY rips away access to the money the husband has earnt. Then SWIY patronises him by giving him access privaleges which, of course, he's going to abuse. This is, in essence, what SWIY is doing. Justified or not, it is definitely not a good sign to any adult human being in a western country.

Swim thinks that she probably should be cruel to be kind and boot him out

Then SWIM would advise for this friend of yours to do it. For his sake as well as her own. A "relationship" based on such a domination of will like that is doomed to failure even for the most weak willed of men.

I think she is worried how she will cope with no family trying to care for all three alone and how to pay the bills.

Your friend will get state benefits as a single parent and a mother. You will have access to state benefits, guaranteed, however SWIM would advise a visit to the Citizens' Advice Beaureu before SWIY makes the decision final.

They are trained with the legalisms and the logistics in mind with your local council resources for such a life changing decision like that, so it would be worthwhile examining your logistical problems with them.

Originally Posted by Pebs

SWIM is very strong minded and she has a great deal of will power she can do what she puts her mind to and she may have set backs but normally 9/10 times she succeeds and she gave up canabis and smoking fags 2 years ago and has never looked back has no intentions of ever touching it again.

And it seems SWIY has made the decision for him. At no point in this post have you mentioned any sort of compromise. "Stop, now, because I say so". End of Story. In other words nothing about dealing with this as a married couple. SWIY decided it was time to give up. SWIY gave up. SWIY expects husband to give up based on SWIY's decision.

SWIY -----> Finger -----> Husband ------> Squish and Twist.

Swim has 3 children one just hit the teenage years so is very challenging and the other 2 are at different ages but both under the age of two so she has her hands well and truly full.

May SWIM correct SWIY. She has 4 children. One 7 months, One 2 years, One 13 years and One 30 years. It is time to release the 30 year old child into the world to fend for himself perhaps the 3 can be handled better.

Remember, SWIY will be able to rape his bank account from beyond the relationship in the form of "Child Support" so you will be able to supplement your benefits with some of his money and have legal backup to boot!

The problem Swim has is when does she call it a day and say enough is anough or what does she do now?

The problem according to SWIM is that the level of control that is required to maintain this particular family unit is entirely dependant on the husband. The husband appears to be a drain, whether it is a real or imagined one it is irrelevent, it is a drain. Time to plug the drain by removing the cause.

A few months ago after being down this road many times previously Swim told her husbands family she had enough and he was to leave they all came to the house to talk to swims husband and he told them all it was swims fault

Seriously. If this were SWIM he would be furious, livid. The control you are exerting is slipping and quickly. The signs are already there. The fact that the domination failed and SWIY resorted to having to go over his head to his family in order for SWIY to get her own way is very telling, indeed.

He would have to want to get clean for his own good no one else and if he did not want this then that is fine but Swim could no longer be part of it because Swim worrys that it would eventually wear down her own strength at staying away from the addictions that she has done really well to stay away from despite having it around her.

SWIY has her answer right there. SWIY gave the husband an ultimatum. He failed on that ultimatum. Well SWIY has the best advice already made in her mind already.

It sounds to SWIM that you have tried everything in the book including the shackles and it has all failed.

It is time to act on your own advice. Don't you think?

She knew really from the twitchy legs the fact that swim is always popping out to the shop, is being really nice to her one min and then snappy the next and the fact that when he comes back from the shop he can never look at her.

Seriously, it is apparent to SWIM that this relationship is dead and is only being maintained by sheer force of will, which with 3 children and a child about to enter the "terrible twos" that breaking point is going to come sooner rather than later.

Know that whilst your children will be silent about the relationship, the strains, tears and behaviours will not be lost on them. Would you subject them to years of an unhappy relationship such as this?!

The husband is defying your will, because at the end of the day he is an adult. He will ALLOW you to control him for a little while, but as adults do they tend to move away from an influence that is causing nothing but misery.

Look on it this way. 3 children. 1 domineering (/scratch, dictatorial) wife. No money. No weed. No Life. A free and single woman comes along, promises him freedom. SWIY will know the rest in short order.

The best advice SWIM could possibly give would be beneficial to both SWIY and her husband. Separate on her terms whilst SWIY has an element of control at a time more suited to SWIY. It might be just what the husband was waiting for yet has not got the balls to instigate himself.

The laws of the universe will dictate that the worst will happen and it WILL happen at the worst possible time. SWIY can see this, yet needs the courage to act.

Also if his family is anything like SWIM's they would ensure that the children would NOT go without. Even to the detriment of the husband. The children by his blood is tied irrevocably to you. They might be a source of support and resources in times of dire need. Christmas would never be without Santa with any decent family (both your side and his)

[Pebs]

Hey thanks its the sort of straight talk that swim needed I think. She has decided what to do and swim has realised that she is a bot of a control freak not from this situation but recently from the way she has been handling her teenager. Swim tends to try and perhaps almost live for others as well as her self which is wrong she tries to hard to do things and tell others in the house what to do because she thinks it will make there lives better she had clearly forgotton they have to live there own lives and make there own mistakes no matter how bad, she has just been scared because she loves them all so much but she is just smothering them all and making them all unhappy swim thinks.

However swim knows that her husbands addiction is not her fault and she is not responsible for him relapsing or having the problem to start with.

Swims husband is very good with the children and he goes to work every day that isnt the issue, the issue really if swim digs deep in her heart and is honest is that as mentioned because she is away from it she does not want to be involved with anyone else that smokes and she also does not want to waste the money swim has children and bills they are far more important.

I think also as mentioned that perhaps yes swims relationship has failed as she has not really thought about how to be supportive, I think she has concentrated more on herself and thinking can she be with a leopard that is not going to change his spots. Yes this leopard can keep trying and he probably would knowing him but can swim cope with going through this every few months for the rest of her relationship and thats what swim is worried about she doesnt know if she can keep bing supportive and she feels terrible for this but its the truth.

Swim has decided that she is going to talk one last time she is stupidly hoping not to have to make the finaly decision she wants for once not to have to be the strong one and she wants someone else to make the call so she is going to ask her husband straight one last time to be honest with her tell her straight if he is doing this and where the money has gone this week one last time and she is going to tell him straight to think before he tells her because if he lies he is leaving the home.

We will see what happens to swim and her husband I hope he tells the truth.

[ronpintx]

Originally Posted by Pebs

...so she is going to ask her husband straight one last time to be honest with her tell her straight if he is doing this and where the money has gone this week one last time and she is going to tell him straight to think before he tells her because if he lies he is leaving the home.

We will see what happens to swim and her husband I hope he tells the truth.

Without a "safe" environment -- he cannot tell the "truth" Addictive personalities must take the path of least resistance - too much stress otherwise. SWIY would need to do some serious "pre-forgiving" in order to get the "truth". Truth is an enemy where it is not welcomed. Familiarity breeds contempt -- in the best of relationships.

[ronpintx]

Originally Posted by Pebs

Swims husband has a very addictive personality if its not canabis its fruit machines if its not that it is coke a cola or sprite or food and if it was not that he would easily be led to drink alcohol.

OK he is "not well" -- coping poorly. If he had cancer, or a stoke, or Alzhiemers instead -- would SWIY also consider him a liability?

Precisely what behaviors (behaviours) does SWIY find in his cannabis coping habit to be destructive or offensive? What makes pot a threat to others? What other "meds" might quell the habit? Does SWIY simply need "a good case" against him? Is cannabis tainted enough to do that job?

If SWIY is actually aged 35 as indicated -- she is at a statistical peak for "amorous activity" -- by nature. He will soon feel natures 2nd tug too. It may be too late -- but closeness and trust is absolutely required to survive the classic "midlife crisis" period. Silence really helps after it passes.

It does appear that SWIY has her hopes set very high -- maybe higher than is realistic -- given that she has mated with man who may never be totally "well". Thankfully he doesn't have cancer...he might be truly alone.

Reputation Comments on this post:

good points made, and some thought-provoking Q's too

[missparkles]

Look, when you're young and in love you accept certain things in a relationship, you don't think that perhaps your partners use of cannabis is excessive, after all, money isn't a problem, and you like a smoke yourself. And you want to have some fun before you take on the responsibilities that come with a long term relationship. But things change, and what was once seen as fun, a way to unwind, can become a problem. You have children, bills to pay, and most people gradually cut back on their indulgences, perhaps treating themselves every so often. It's called growing up. It seems the OP has done this, but her partner thinks he doesn't have to.

Now others may disagree with Sparkles, but she thinks that using cannabis is fine, it's not physically addictive, the majority of people can enjoy it and then just leave it alone. If it's choice between buying a quarter, or paying the mortgage, the mortgage gets paid. It's not something most people even have to think about, they just do it. But any substance that gets you high, can be psychologically addictive (this was the disagreeable bit)There are no WD symptoms, just the need for that high, this is psychological dependence. It would be virtually impossible early in any relationship to know that someone has a psychologically dependent personality. It would only becomes a problem that's noticed when the substance used has to be reduced or stopped. Which wouldn't be in the beginning when money would be more available.

So making the point that she knew he smoked when she met him makes no sense. That was then, this is now. Money, especially if you have small kids and a teenager, is always gonna be an issue. The fact that this man refuses to see this, preferring to place the blame for his cannabis use on his partner, is an even bigger indicator that he has a psychological habit. So any suggestion of an alternate, cheaper product might ease the financial worry, but it doesn't deal with the cause. Sparkles knows that a lot of factors come into play when dealing with dependence. And although they may not individually be huge issues, pile them on top of each other, and it can become mountainous. This is what Sparkles believes the OP is feeling swamped by. Not the smoking, but all the deceit that goes with it, this in itself can become stressful. How do you trust someone with two small children, when you can't trust him to tell you the truth?

There are two options as Sparkles sees it.

Sit down and talk, explain how this is affecting the relationship, how it's effecting you, and be honest, ask him how he feels. Perhaps he's feeling bloody desperate, unable to see a way out, and feels threatened by the demands that he has to stop. He may realise he has a problem, and with a gentler approach admit it, and get help. Sometimes we can't even recognise why we do these things, and admitting we need help is like admitting failure or weakness. It's not, it's the bravest thing anyone can do, so maybe putting it in these terms, or similar, might help. But if he still insists it's not a problem, if he can't see just how this is affecting the OP, then perhaps for the sake of your children, your sense of security, not to mention your bloody sanity, it may be time to call it quits. At the end of the day, people change, it's got nothing to do with who is to blame, who is the cause of the unhappiness, it happens. Just make sure that if you do end up splitting he doesn't feel punished, this won't help him. Sometimes people have to work it out for themselves. Others might see a problem, but when it comes to the person who has the problem, the words "wood and trees" spring to mind.

But at no time would Sparkles allow him to blame her for his dependence. Yes everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect, and at times it does seem like others can control our moods with a comment. But this isn't true. No one makes anyone smoke cannabis, they do it cos they want to. I'm not saying it doesn't seem like a no choice situation after a while, but there is a solution, using a substance as a coping mechanism isn't the only option. Also what sort of example is this gonna set for the kids, especially an impressionable teenager? It doesn't send a very positive message. If anyone is unhappy in a relationship, regardless of the cause, this will affect their kids. It's surprising how damaged kids can become by things that seem insignificant, but to them in their little minds, it's traumatic. Sometimes it's better to have two happy, separated parents, as opposed to two unhappy, together parents.



Lastly, I think it's inappropriate to equate cancer or Alzheimers disease with someone who possibly has a psychological dependent personality, there's no comparison. No one chooses either of those devastating illnesses. And to be honest it's a really emotive comment that would make Sparkles feel like she'd abandoned a dying man if she left someone like the OP partner, and she's a kick ass assertive woman. I'm not being hostile or confrontational, I apologise if anyone thinks I am. I'm just trying to be honest. I'd rather explain what I mean than leave rep with a one liner.
I hope things work out for the OP.
Sparkles.

[ronpintx]

Originally Posted by missparkles

Lastly, I think it's inappropriate to equate cancer or Alzheimers disease with someone who possibly has a psychological dependent personality, there's no comparison. No one chooses either of those devastating illnesses.

No offence taken. Jiggy honestly sees a direct correlation. Juvenile PTSD is as common as traumatic childhoods. Jiggy thinks most addictive personalities are a product of one's socio-economic heritage. Parents don't get good at parenting until it's too late. Thank God for grandparents -- but some of us didn't even get that.

Yeah, nobody asks to have developed an addictive personality -- anymore than one might ask for cancer IMHO. Jiggy also thinks it's "terminal" -- to be managed at best.

[missparkles]

Originally Posted by ronpintx

No offence taken. Jiggy honestly sees a direct correlation. Juvenile PTSD is as common as traumatic childhoods. Jiggy thinks most addictive personalities are a product of one's socio-economic heritage. Parents don't get good at parenting until it's too late. Thank God for grandparents -- but some of us didn't even get that.

Yeah, nobody asks to have developed an addictive personality -- anymore than one might ask for cancer IMHO. Jiggy also thinks it's "terminal" -- to be managed at best.

Yeah, Sparkles addiction was definitely formed in her childhood.
Different way of looking at addiction, seeing it as being a terminal illness that can be managed. Thought provoking.
I suppose the point I was making was that allowing an addiction to devastate your life could be seen as a choice, no one gets to choose if something such as cancer will kill them, if it's terminal you die. Terminal addiction can be managed, you can adapt your life, learn new healthy coping skills, and get well.
Sorry if I wasn't very clear in my previous post Jiggy.
Sparkles.

Actually, it's been a long day.

[Pebs]

Wow after reading more posts swim now thinks she will sleep on it and re think again swim is not certain I dont think and when she reads the advice she sees so much more she says thank you the advice and information is opening her mind to more every post. She definatly sees that she does have issues though its not just her husband and she understands a lot about his addiction she just needs to know if she can deal with it.

[nutellajunkie]

my sincere apologies for the short reply I gave with the obvious wrong advice. Granted I am a newbie here and i am still getting used to the way things go. Just please excuse me, my answer was sincere enough but I obviously dont understand the severity of the situation. And with that I will back off, and wish you all the best and that I hope you find what you are looking for and you can find happiness again.

sorry

[missparkles]

Originally Posted by pobb

my sincere apologies for the short reply I gave with the obvious wrong advice. Granted I am a newbie here and i am still getting used to the way things go. Just please excuse me, my answer was sincere enough but I obviously dont understand the severity of the situation. And with that I will back off, and wish you all the best and that I hope you find what you are looking for and you can find happiness again.

sorry

Advising the OP to get as much info as possible, to perhaps try to get mediation and work with the problem, isn't bad advice. All possible options need to be considered. Some might not work, but until you consider them, how will you know? Sincerity is never inappropriate or wrong.
Sparkles.

[Pebs]

Swim is very grateful to all the words of wisdom. Swim tried again to talk to her husband but he continues to not tell the truth and make excuses. Miss sparkles your comments are how I feel I didnt know this would be an issue when I met him. A bit of history:

Swims mum and dad split upwhen she was 11 and she moved many miles away from her home town and lived with her mum only she saw her dad approx twice a year from then on. Her mum was very strict victorian like and the rules in the home where hard and fast you would never dare step out of line, yes swim did try and step out a few times but she always paid for it but swims mum loved swim beyond words. Swims mum died of a brain heomarrage suddenly when she was 42 and swim was 16 swim had no where to go family where reluctant really to take her on her dad reluctantly agreed she could live with him but he had a son from another marriage living with him that knew nothing about swim so there where many adjustments. It didnt work out and swim got a part time job continued her education but rented a room in a shared house when she was not at college she was working to pay her way.

At 21 swim bought her own home at 22 she had her son swims partner then was mentally and physically abusive but swim thought he would change silly swim. Anyway he left her for another women when there baby was just a few months old, swim raised her son single handed with no support until he was 4 when she met her husband just a few weeks before they got married swims grandparents her mums parents both tragically died which was heartbreaking these where really the only support she had they lived far away but swim had relied on there telephone support over the years. Swims husbands family where not supportive it caused barriers but swim and her husband continued to try and enjoy life and have fun swim had no idea then that the issues her husband has now would arise.

Swim is strong she knows that the things that have happened are just things that life throws at us, she doesnt expect sympathy or aid from anyone her grandmother told swim that you have to stay strong and if you can not raise children single handed then you should not have them, a little harsh granted but swim has toughened up with lifes experiences over the years and has had to stay responsible no one else would do it for her.

Swims husband has issues with his childhood, his parents divorced when he was also 11 his sister went to live with his mum but they made him choose who he wanted to live with he chose his dad because he was scared not to and also because his sister was already going with his mum he felt bad for his dad to be left alone. Personally I think this is terrible anyway Swims husband missed his mum who as swim has been told did not set a very good impression to a young lad anyway swims husband has never managed to deal with these issues and he has real problems with feeling unloved. His mothers side are born again christians but they have very funny ideas about christianity and use odd tactics, such as telling swims husband that if he fails to believe the devil will get him with his nashers, yes I know all very bizare.

Swims husband has been on and off anti depresents for years now and she knows he is sad inside and for years she kept trying to work out how she could make it better and felt guilty everytime he could not cope but she realises now we are all responsible for our own destiny swim can not keep trying to pick him up he has to want to do it for himself.

Swim told him last time he relapsed and lied through his teeth that he had a choice he could carry on smoking the weed it was not a problem but she could not continue in a relationship with someone who did this for her own sanity so he would have to move out he could always still see the children when ever he wanted. Or swims husband could get proper help for his addiction that he did not believe he had at the time, swim would get all the information of the help aqvailable in the area for him but he would have to go get the help alone.

Swims husbands parents tried to believe that swim was responsible really for making there son unhappy enough to be an addict to a certain degree and his parents also tried totell swim that now they where involved it would all stop and everything would be ok, swim laughed in her head at them because swim is not stupid. The parents also thought they could physically take him to the councilling and alike and make himgo there and that would clear the problem up, swim tried so hard to explain the nature of addiction to them swim also tried very hard to explain that the best thing for him there and then was for her to kick him out and be tough but they would not have it.

Swim got all the info for her husband and she left the ball in his court and told him straight that only he could get help and he wld have to want to and have to admit he did have a problem no one else could do ths for him. He did get the help he attended and still does attend NA meetings weekly and also weekly attends a center for one to one addiction councilling.

Swim is just so sad for her husband that he has relapsed she is strong but he is not made from the same stuff and he has this addiction that he struggles to fight. He is not capable of just having a smoke then leaving it he has to keep on and on and he will run up debts to continue.
When swim took all his money access away to try and prevent this he took money from his cousin that has disabilities, he asked his grandma for money etc so he will get what he needs no matter what swim does or says.

Swim just has to try and decide if she can live with this or not and she is struggling so much to try and find the strength for both of them because thats what she will have to do if she wants to continue, she will have to live the rest of her life trying to keep him afloat everytime he starts to sink. Swim is not sure she can do this she wishes she could but Ithink the problem swim has the most as miss sparkles mentioned is the deciept, the lies and all the things that come with the addiction.

If he could just have a smoke be honest and it not affect his mental state fine but he cant he is a addict his mood alters, finances get effected and swims trust is abused with no trust what do you have?

Swim just wishes that her husbad would be honest she is so devestated that after last time and the long heart to heart they had that he has chosen to lie yet again. Swim has been down this road with him so many times she knows deep down that ys he can keep trying to get clean and stay clean he made it past 100 days las time which is fantastic but how long next time and thetime after it i a long term battle that shw has to work out if she can live with or not. If he could just admit his has relapsed swim would have more faith but he wont and this is not helping.

Swim keeps telling herself this is one of lifes challenges and what does not break us makes us stronger, its just one heck of a challange she is not sure if she can battle through.

[Phenoxide]

Originally Posted by Pebs

Swim is so so fed up she has had enough of the lies and more so the fact that they cant afford for the vast amounts of money he uses on this green to be spent christmas is coming and the 3 children will be waiting for santa swim can hardly say sorry no presents santa decided to get stoned instead can she.

Swim has contacted her husbands counciler and made him aware but that is all she can do right now because swims husband will not admit he is smoking it again.

This may sound inappropriately harsh (and quite possibly ill-informed too) but I think SWIY is quite right to consider a long-term separation if the husband isn't willing to get his act together. In SWIY's shoes my gut instinct is that it'd be in the best interests of the younger children to do so. People may say SWIY is overreacting or being too demanding, but ultimately it's her who has to make the decision as to what is in the best interests of her three children.

If the husband made the decision to continue spending large amounts of money on his habit instead of putting it aside for his children, then that is plain irresponsible. The fact that he then denies this is where the money is going is also extremely childish behavior for someone with dependents. If he's willing to unnecessarily and selfishly burn money and then lie about it, then you have to question where his priorities lie. The dishonesty makes it hard for SWIY to try and compromise too. There's no easy answer to this one. SWIY should think it through as calmly and rationally as she can, and be sure not to make any rash decisions. Most importantly, she must stay strong!

Reputation Comments on this post:

Not harsh, honest. Sometimes it can't be sugar coated. Kids have to be the first consideration, well put.