Journal - Coming to a crossroad - IV cocaine addiction

[kailey_elise]

Tomorrow is my best friend's 31st birthday - 31 on the 31st, how fitting! She's been struggling with addictions for over 15 years & wanted me to share this excerpt from her journal.

Originally Posted by from Kailey's best friend's journal

Tuesday, October 27th, 2009

So. I'll be 31 on the 31st. Quite an accomplishment, to be honest. I think it's now been 3 months since I've done any heroin (only took 7 months on the methadone clinic to finally kick that shit! *rolls eyes*), & although I started doing cocaine again (mainlining, no less! *sigh*), I'm starting to leave that behind too. Before I completely quit dope, I had 'a moment of clarity' I guess, where I just felt at peace with myself & that dope just wasn't that important to me anymore. At that point I stopped doing it every day & hanging out with people because they could get me high. I'd say it took another 1 1/2 to 2 months to stop it completely.

Well, I recently had that same feeling regarding cocaine, & I've significantly cut back my use and hanging with people, etc. I'm pretty confident that I will soon be leaving regular use of cocaine behind as well.

This past weekend I had some money. Instead of hoarding it until Monday to use it to pick up some cocaine, I spent it. {Partner} didn't have any cash, so I bought us food & cigarettes & some tins of cat food. I know it doesn't seem like much, & I keep excitedly telling people about it, but it's a HUGE step for me, to spend money on myself that's not on drugs. I'm down to a bag (ed. note: I believe that's half a gram) about every other day.

Although she's had some backsliding this week (half a gram every day), that she's injecting it and still only doing half a gram at a time is fucking amazing, I think. She mentioned that she's been sitting with this new 'coke's not important' feeling for about 2 weeks now & has decided to be more proactive about not getting cocaine starting next week. I'm really proud of her, because for a while it was all about getting as much cocaine as possible every single waking moment of every single day. To be satisfied by one bag is an amazing accomplishment.

Some things I think that have helped her: once she wasn't strung out on heroin anymore she was allowed to have a job at a harm reduction clinic for injection users. This gave her a feeling of self-worth, and having someone depend on her to be somewhere & she actually shows up has been great for her self-esteem. By actually working for the money (and then starting to spend it in stores & such), she's beginning to regain respect for the value of a dollar, which was easy to lose when you're panhandling & hustling for cash to pay for a drug habit!

Being depended on has made her feel worth something, that she's not just a useless junkie, & this has been huge in changing her mindset; combined with the value of a dollar, she just no longer wants to 'waste' that money all the time & is starting to feel better about herself, so no longer wants to run away from all her feelings (good & bad!).

Well, I have to run to go to a doctor's appointment, so I can't keep transcribing & speculating, but she told me she wanted to share with people who can understand, and who might be in a mindset she was in & let them know that it's a process but can be done.

Until later...

~Kailey Elise

[EyesOfTheWorld]

EOTW's best friend knows Kailey's best friend personally in real life,and she is doing very well in this regard. The two best friends have only known each other about 2.5 months, and over that time her best friend's use has slowed A LOT. When they met they were banging a LOT of coke EVERY day (mainly because EOTW's best friend had a good amount of it and a fuck-ton of disposable money), now when they hang out they may have one or two shots tops, and not every day. Sometimes they'll just smoke cigarettes and talk (well, EOTW's best friend still shoots his heroin, but her best friend avoids the coke a lot lately. His best friend is REALLY proud of her best friend, whom he considers a friend and a great person To the point where EOTW's best friend now feels bad wanting to party w/her best friend. Although they could (gasp!) go out for drinks and food like normal people......EOTWs best friend is getting out of detox tomorrow, maybe they could do that? He owes her best friend a b-day gift anyway.
He just wanted to chime in to verify, as someone that knows the best friend in question, that this is absolutely true and she's doing great. He hopes she can and does keep it up He hopes in return that HE can stay, if not OFF heroin, at least stay down to a shot or two a day instead of 8 to 10.

Holy fuck that's gotta be the record for uses of the word "friend" in one paragraph. At least it's not "SWIM"