SWIM's Having a Hard Time Saying No This Morning...

[findingmyway]

SWIM has a strange addiction. Usually only giving thought to the purchase thereof when drunk, SWIM is having a very difficult time this morning. SWIM is so aggitated she finds it difficult to even post right now. Knowing availability is a certainty doesn't help.

What really confuses SWIM is that she knows that would only add to current personal issues. In fact, SWIM (from past personal experiences) knows that not only would she feel MUCH worse, but she fears her next 'episode' could very well be fatal.

I guess SWIM is afraid she's already made her decision and is trying whatever she can think of to change that decision.

There are other issues that explain why today has become such an issue for SWIM, but she doesn't really want to go into that in this forum - at this moment. She's not comfortable enough in her ability to use discretion to the best of her ability just this moment.

In any event, I'm hoping she works it out. Unlike some people, SWIM knows she's long ago left the point where she can even 'enjoy' the high.

findingmyway added 1036 Minutes and 25 Seconds later...

SWIM isn't sure if this is the correct way to add to / give an update on how that turned-out. SWIM HAS read the rules, but she's not sure about the updates...

As it turned out for SWIM, all was well. The craziest thing is that SWIM actually has periods where there is absolutely NO desire to partake. In fact, SWIM has (twice) found herself with custody of The Demon. Once, it was due to SWIsomeone else lying to SWIM. After meeting a friend at a club for drinks (and subsequently paying for the whole tab) SWIM was asked to, "go ahead and grab it for" SWIsomeone else. Of course, this was only to find that SWIsomeone else had just enough in their pocket to catch the bus. (I'm not exaggerating there...) Annoyed that a) it happened and b) some part of SWIM suspected that very thing would happen, SWIM decided she'd just hang onto The Demon for SWIsomeone else - since, as she was assured, SWIsomeone else could take care of it in the morning. After all, as SWIseomone else pointed out what good friends they were with SWIM, SWIM decided she'd would just hang onto The Demon until SWIsomeone else had the funds - as a favor to SWIsomeone else (of course).

SWIM has known several people who have mistaken SWIM's kindness for weakness. (Admittedly, when SWIM drinks too much alcohol, SWIM has a tendency to give just about anything away. There's a big difference, though, in SWIM's eyes, between being asked and being hustled...)

Anyway... That is merely one instance. Suffice it to say that SWIM has had more than one occasion to have The Demon, but had not given the slightest thought to usage.

All that was said to say this: SWIM doesn't know from where this great desire rears It's ugly head! SWIM had a very, very bad experience the last two episodes (of the four in her life). They were such very bad experiences, that even if SWIM wanted to enjoy participating in that kind of thing, SWIM knows (yes, from experience) that she wouldn't even enjoy it.

Is SWIM major abnormal in her experiences?

One more thing... SWIM's read that hallucinations are usually manifestations of a deep rooted fear that is held by the user. Some time ago, SWIM had (or so she had believed) come to the conclusion that Sir Francis Bacon was right, that the whole divine penal system was merely man's effort to control the behavior of their neighbor. The neighbor who didn't see how their violence or thievery would ultimately effect them in a bad way also.

However, the primary hallucination that became evermore 'real' and frightening to SWIM (during the third episode, or period of months) was that of an unidentified demon / devil and that of a couple, a man and woman, that expressed their contempt for SWIM's behavior. The man and woman were certainly no set of 'angels.' (I don't know, as a child, SWIM was taught the Archangels were a pretty nasty group... Maybe that's where that came from.) Does this mean that SWIM still actually held the religious beliefs she wasn't sure she'd ever really believed?

Well, SWIM slept on and off most of the day, and these were some of the thoughts that were bouncing around...

[jeepack]

Good job not doing it... Don't forget that it's addictive, and if you know you don't want to do it, the best thing to do is to take away the possibility of obtaining it, find new people to hangout with, and move on...

Having cravings does not make you abnormal as it is addictive...

And even if we never truely beleive in religion, we are still unfortunatly brought up in the religion "mold" and that shapes our entire way of seing the world even if we are non beleivers. So yes it is very normal to have dreams or hallucinations about religious figures. You can whatch "What the bleep do we know" to learn more about this. (I think this is where I heard this)

If you think your next experience could be fatal? Can I ask why? Does it give you suicidal thoughts or is it for a medical reason? Feel free to seek help if you know you need it, and if you really beleive it could be that serious, make sure to carry arround phone numbers for help-lines or stuff like that, we don't want anything bad to happen to you...