Drugs-Forum  
Home Wiki Studies Forum Groups Blog Video Images News
Go Back   Drugs Forum > RECOVERY & ADDICTION > Recovery Journals
Mark Forums Read
Register Tags

Notices

Recovery Journals Post your recovery Journal for community support, advice and tracking progress.

 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 06-10-2009, 09:59
tyrus568 tyrus568 is offline
Silver Member
 
Join Date: 29-04-2008
37 y/o Male from United States
Posts: 28
tyrus568 is on the way uptyrus568 is on the way uptyrus568 is on the way up
Points: 311, Level: 2 Points: 311, Level: 2 Points: 311, Level: 2
Activity: 0.1% Activity: 0.1% Activity: 0.1%
My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone else

Hi. I found this notebook at the park yesterday and thought it was filled with some interesting and horrifying things. Maybe you'd like to read it, I entered the text below.

--------------------------

I'm 32, live with parents, social outcast, no job, no job experience, little worldly experience, not much college, no degree, no money, no car, no license, no health insurance or anything like that. I get free room and board with my parents and help out around the house - you know, one of the worst kinds of losers. I have avoidant personality disorder with a bunch of anxiety and depressive disorders and actually some other problems I won't get into here.

I was hoping to maybe see what people had to say about what, if anything, I should do, but at least to read my experiences to pass the time or perhaps to sneer at.

I have no money, my parents have some, but I'm not going to be able to do a lot concerning therapy or help really. I don't particularly want to go to NA or AA. I thought maybe about going to see an addiction specialist, but that could be kind of expensive and I have an idea of what he would offer. I also thought about maybe going to see a doctor about getting a heart exam, but I was concerned about explaining to him why I thought there might be damage.... besides , I'm avoidant, the last thing I want to do is to have to talk to professionals about my problem....

As it is, I'm taking it day by day. I haven't done DXM since my last heart episode about 5 weeks ago that scared the hell out of me. Opiates, eh, all I've been doing is buying poppy seeds, but they don't do anything for me (can't buy enough at once here to matter).

I'm committed to not taking DXM again for as long as possible. The opiates, well, I tell myself I'll get more poppy pods in december, if I can possibly wait. Otherwise right now I putter around the house, get some walking exercise, smoke weed and cigarettes, and deal with my post-acute withdrawal stuff.

A week ago I met someone on the net (*gasp* you say, how unlikely!), but seriously, someone I could relate to (not in a romantic way, as a friend). He is not an addict or actually a drug user at all but he grew up with in a dysfunctional family of abusers and knows what drug abuse is like. We talked a whooole lot in the last week about my problems (and his too), mainly my drugs problems, and so I wrote him an autobiography of my life.

Part of the autobiography is detailed below, just all of the parts about DXM abuse (I cut all the sex and other boring stuff out :P ). If it sometimes seems to be disjointed or jump around, it's probably because I redacted something out. Or just my confused disorganized mind :P

If you want the too long; didn't read version: too bad. I tried writing it but it was too long. So you have to read the whole thing.

And oh ya, I don't condone shoplifting.

It starts below.

Websites were beginning to spring up, the world wide web was being born (1994). This was when I began my comprehensive drug education online, reading faqs and forums and exploring what was out there.

This was when I discovered DXM, through William White's pretty excellent and comprehensive DXM faq that was around back then. We now know that there were some erroneous facts in his guide (particularly about Olney's Lesions), but overall it was an excellent resource.

I was probably near the end of my 17th year when I discovered DXM. It was to be the biggest change of my entire life.

Hmm, yeah. So, I thought, hey, this sounds like it could be interesting, and I can use this as research into jaunting, or exploring my inner mind and outer worlds. I can be a psychonaut and really understand my own potential and open my mind.

So I began to experiment with it. Easy enough, you go down to Kroger's and buy one bottle of Robitussin max cough syrup or a pack of Drixorals for xxxx and you take it and see what happens.

Mainly, this is what would happen on an average dose: take an hour to begin after drinking, then shortly afterwards you would "peak" or what I used to call have a mind orgasm, which was what it felt like, and was extremely intense. Usually you would be nauseous from drinking the syrup, so you would smoke a joint right at the peak. Now, it is well known that unlike most drugs, marijuana and DXM have synergistic properties and greatly enhance the other. When I ever did DXM, I pretty much had to have some weed on me to do it, otherwise it was not nearly as fun.

Anyways, so you would peak, smoking a joint. The "trip" would last about eight hours, with up to a 24 hour "glow" afterwards. This WAS a trip, do not mistake me, with opiates, well opiates do act on the central nervous system as well, but they don't have the psychedelic or disassociative properties. Opiates don't take you anywhere, they don't give you a "trip" to another world or anything, they just make you feel good. Take opiates, feel good. It wears off, take more, you feel good again, you know? DXM you would take once and it would fuck you up and send you off into space for at least eight hours, but usually all through the following day. I loved it a lot for just this reason, how it lasted so long and felt so great.

high amount of euphoria, more euphoria than I typically get from opiates (pods). flushing of the skin, your skin all over your body would be hot with heat, with blood flowing close to the surface, all of the pores in your skin all over your body would be dilated as wide as possible, and your skin would be very, very sensitive in a very, very nice way. Extremely pleasurable. Libido would not exist. Some confusion. Your limbs and body would feel so light that you could just jump off the surface of the Earth or something, it was so great. music was unnaturally godlike and awesome. also, disassociation from the world. not understanding things or able to really function.

The most important part of the DXM trip, in my mind, was it being a "trip". It made everything you did feel like you were doing it for the first time ever, in such a good way, I mean, you know, you do something cool like play a video game a few times and it's not quite as fun since you get experienced with it, right, but even if you had played a previously fun game extensively, on DXM you could play it and you would have the reward feeling like it was the first time you had ever played it, even though you hadn't forgot what it was like or how to play it or anything, it was just that feeling like, wow, this game is soooo fun.

Movies, also. Watching a movie on DXM tended to make you really think that you were in the movie and it was really happening, in a total good way. I remember watching The Name of the Rose, set in medieval times about monks and mysteries in an old castle, and I'm saying, I felt like I was back in 1359. I can't explain it to you any more than that; how if you woke up in 1359, you were really there and interacting with everyone and everything, that's what it was like to watch this movie. And thats the way any movie was on DXM. It was beyond fabulous, it was divine. literally utopia, a cosmic mystery, an opening to another universe.

The other thing that was the greatest of all about the trips was this intense feeling of creativity and feelings of insight, very similar to LSD. You felt like you were figuring stuff out, you were finding out answers to the universe and yourself, many of your thoughts felt insightful and even prophetic. You felt like you experienced something from a higher plane, or that God had touched you. Several trips I did feel like I had met God. You felt as if something was revealing the cure to cancer for you, or what the meaning of life was, or how to manipulate reality to create magic, whatever. I mean, though, this was like, you would feel like you were Einstein or something, and then the next day you would look at all the stuff you scribbled down that seemed so important the night before and it would all be gibberish.

So yeah, you just can't fully understand all of the changes this made to my life unless you have lived through it. It was the best thing that had ever happened to me. Finally I had a way out, I could ignore everything and delve into a world of PC games, Playstation games, and exploring the nether zones of transmogrified, divine, holy, super reality that DXM tinged and soaked my life and mind with.

Tolerance rises fairly rapidly with frequent DXM use, and during this period (17-19) I was using it once a week, always on fridays. Adam had found other friends and was always gone all friday, saturday, and sunday, and my parents left me alone. It was a time where my bedroom door was always shut, I came out for dinner and ate it back in my room, there was no contact at all and no talking about anything, everyone was off doing their own shit. My mom was doing a bit better after the ECT treatments but was only partially there. Over time I was moving to higher doses to achieve my medium-level effects. Low-level doses only make you feel like your drunk but you're still sober and can talk and everything, so I liked medium level doses for ALL the good effects and a few bad ones, seeing straight could be difficult or recognizing objects. But the majority of everything was so close to my heart, I wanted to do this always, for the rest of my life, I couldn't live without it. It was a fantastic, prolonged dream. These were the good years of my DXM abuse.

So, this happened in like 1995, right when I turned 18. My parents were letting me take a year off before I started college, so I had tons of free time. I was still gaming with my roleplaying group and everything. no job or anything and no obligations, at all.

There is a game and a music cd that define my early DXM use and were so enhanced they were basically the holy grail for me, especially you know, when I was all fucked up. That was Aphex Twin's Selected Ambient Works Vol II, and the Playstation game Final Fantasy Tactics. I had picked it up on a whim when I was wandering around Sears, of all places, seeing hey, it's final fantasy, I adore that stuff anyways but I didn't know anything about FFT when I bought it. I thought it was going to be a role playing game. For me it was the best game ever made for the Playstation, no question. I probably played a thousand hours on that game, playing it through again and again, raising everyone's skills to as many classes as possible, attaining all the secrets, but anyways it wasn't just that it's one of the best games ever made; it was during the best times of my DXM use, when everything was so good and perfect, and it enhanced it to something that is not reproducible again for me. It was a once in a lifetime event. No other drug could do this. I just recently played through the game again on an emulator on my PC and it was fun, but not anywhere near the same, and made me melancholic and wistful for old times. I only played it about halfway through.

OK, so everything was so glorious. If I could have stopped here, it would have been so great, because everything pretty much goes downhill from here. To let you know, I started using DXM when I was 17 and the last time I used it was last month (at the age of 32).

So 18-20 or so. Had all this money from the inheritence, always high and fucked up on DXM,
having a great time.

All that was over, then my parents decided to start a small business. It was mainly to help my Mom really become herself again. So they started this little store at a flea market that mostly sold kid's toys, junk toys, knock-off stuff. They would leave on saturday mornings and be gone all day, and the same on sunday mornings, so this left me completely alone for the entire weekend with money, weekend after weekend I would wait til they left early in the morning and immediately walk the 2 miles along the freeway down to the Kroger's and buy DXM, then trip on drugs all day while they were gone, then sometimes do it on Sunday, too. My usage of DXM was increasing in both amount and frequency... I was doing it 2-3 times a week, usually every
three days or so, but always on saturday during the day. I had so much money at the time, with no costs at all, I'd buy all kinds of candy and magazines and books and stuff from kroger's and randall's.

So by the time I was 21-22, my gaming group had fallen apart. Near the end, Alvin was gone, so it was just me, bob, dave and chad, and sometimes guests. It was an hour's drive to get to dave's house from mine, and bob lived pretty close to me; chad lived about in between. So bob was assigned to drive, he would pick me and chad up for the game, we would game all night, then bob would drive us home, dropping off chad, then me. he also worked on the same day we gamed, so he was very tired, and it was always VERY scary on the last leg of the way home, after we had dropped off chad and it was just me and him. He would constantly fall asleep while driving, and I would be struggling the whole way to keep him alert. Pretty scary stuff, happened every
weekend....

So... then there's this incident. My local Kroger's, I had stolen DXM from there a couple of times. One weekend, Bob was taking me home from the AD&D game at 5 in the morning, and I told him to just drop me off
at the Krogers, and that I would walk home. I went into the Krogers and attempted to shoplift some DXM. I had my backpack with all my gaming books with me, but I stuffed the DXM into my back pocket, two boxes of pills so about xxxx worth which I had the money for but for some reason wanted to steal it to save the money. I bought some other stuff at the register and I was walking out, the store manager grabbed me by the backpack and told me to stay. I squirmed out of my pack and ran out the front doors, terrified, not knowing what to do and scared as hell. I came out into the parking lot and there was already a sheriff's cruiser in the lot, lights flashing. I thought about just running, there was a bayou that ran alongside the store, with
residences on the other side, so I almost did. I was crying hysterically and panicking. So I stopped in the parking lot and went back into the store.

They basically bitched at me, made me pay for the DXM, which I could afford thankfully, told me to never come into the store again, the sheriff took my ID and wrote my name and ID number down. I walked out with the sheriff and he searched my backpack and I had a very small amount of marijuana stashed in there with some zigzag rolling papers. He made me take the papers and weed and throw them into the trashcan. (I had plenty of weed at home so wasn't worried about that; I was totally relieved that not only did I not get arrested for shoplifting but no arrest or fine for the marijuana, either.) I think it was because I looked so young and I was crying and earnestly sorry. So he told me to walk straight home and he didn't want to see me again.

So. 6 AM, hafta walk two miles home, I have the DXM, take the dxm while walking home, but it hadn't affected me yet. I mean, that's all I cared about, I was so glad they let me buy it. Almost home, think, well, I have no rolling papers at home so I should stop in the 24hr convenience store and buy some. I go in, buy some zigzags, as I'm walking out, who do I see but the same damn sheriff, and he looked pissed. He was like, I thought I told you to go straight home! And I'm like, I live in this neighborhood, I had to come this way, I
promise, I'm going straight home. Thankfully, he didn't see the rolling papers in my hand that I had just bought. He would have been furious.

So I went home, got all fucked up, and tried to forget about what happened...

I avoided that Krogers for a couple years after that, but there was the Randalls right across the street from the Krogers, so it didn't stop my access to DXM. They had these really great DXM sucrets you could buy really cheap, (they don't really put dxm in sucrets cough drops any more (at least around here) for abuse reasons) and I would buy 2-3 bags of sucrets and crunch them all on the walk home. Man, I love DXM. I wish I could
still do it. I wish I was back there and then again.

My second phase of DXM abuse had started. I was taking it more often, it was my second year in the community college and I was beginning to skip all my classes, and I was beginning to feel the long-term affects
of always using DXM, the fatigue and lack of any sobriety, how some of the good effects I used to get were disappearing, and the other great effects were not as intense or "there" as they should be. It was
tolerance and the heavy experience, I was burning out on it. I began skipping all of my classes in earnest, lying baldly to my mom and dad about how good each class was or what happened that day. I took evening classes, so I had like one class a day, from like 6:30 pm to 9:30 or so, and so I would skip the class that night and walk down away from the college to the HEB store and buy DXM and take it and go to the K-mart and buy music cds and stuff, listening to my walkman.

This was all I did.

By the time I was 23 (in 2000), it started being apparent that there was a problem to my family. I kept withdrawing from my classes, I was a wreck, I had left my facial growth to grow out on its own and it had,
I had not bothered with my hair, so I looked like a wild man. I was playing Nethack and ADoM (like nethack) 24-7 and always fucked up. There were episodes. I had been stealing money from my parents, just a dollar here or there out of the purse or whatnot, and my mom had coffee cans full of change in her closet, and over time these coffee cans began to empty more and more as I pilfered from them. One time I had overdosed on antihistamines, basically I took 800 milligrams of diphenhydramine, aka sominex or benadryl, when the normal dose is 25-50 mgs. I did this because I was totally bored and wanted something interesting to happen. I knew what the possible effects would be by doing research. I did it with DXM at the same time. Anyway, I had a
psychotic episode, basically, well, it was like I was blacked out (I had never been "blacked out" before or really since), almost like sleepwalking and doing really weird shit like putting toothpaste in the kitchen sink and losing my glasses in the trash and crap, and talking all kinds of crazy stuff that didn't make any sense. My parents were concerned and after everything wore off later that day they decided to have me start seeing somebody. I had already been to see therapists in the past, and had been on antidepressants at various
points, and the whole thing began again. The therapist had no idea what to do with me and the psychiatrist put me on more drugs. I promised to never overdose on antihistamines again, and I haven't. Believe me, it was no fun at all, there is very little recreational potential in antihistamines (for me). It was more like being poisoned into a sick-flu delirium type deal, like having a fever and being delirious. it sucked.

anyways, life went on for a bit until July of the year 2000, when my parents really began to discover how ground in I was and how severely this tar baby had gotten stuck to me. I ordered a bag of 100 grams of
pure DXM (you only need about a half gram for a trip, so that would've been around 200 trips worth). It is not illegal to order pure DXM, even in 2000 though before the company would sell it to me for "research purposes" they made me record a voice recording of me saying I wouldn't use it for any unauthorized purpose, etc. Anyway, they sent it to me. I managed, barely, to intercept the package as it arrived at the house, but everybody knew something was going on and were suspicious. The next day Final Fantasy IX also came in the mail, everybody was gone, I was taking DXM powder without having any idea of how much I was taking, and I basically became an emotional wreck and was all fucked up while playing final fantasy IX in the living room
when my parents came home, and they were just like, hand over your stash, this is over. And I handed over a nearly 100 gram bag of pure DXM. And they confiscated it and later dumped it. I bitterly regret losing that bag and I still daydream about having it. Man, what a waste! Only to save my life! Why couldn't they have not taken it and let me rot with it forever.

So, I had a big emotional type breakdown and cried for a few days, trying to recover from my self-induced 5 year coma. There was gum in my hair and my teeth were a mess and damaged. I got my hair cut, my beard shaved off (the only time I've ever had a beard was during those few years), tried to straighten things out. I continued doing DXM on the sly, waiting for everyone to go to sleep then sneaking out the window, walking all the way up to the store, all the way back, sometimes in very bad weather, every time the walk was exhausting and impossible to continue to do but I did it because I had to have my DXM. I flew under the radar. No one really noticed. I wasn't going to college anymore, at 25 I guess, I started working at Kroger's, but it
wasn't the local one I got busted at, it was a bit further away and was a bigger, Signature store. I worked there a full year at just above minimum wage and I never got the raise they promised me. We were graveyard shift stockers and it was a very difficult, manual labor job. Many times would my shirt be wet through from the sweat and during this year I managed to fuck up my back. I wasn't friends with my co workers, but they accepted me as a fringe outsider. Still, they all went for drinks after work (which would be 8 in the morning, lol) but I was never invited. The manager who controlled us often came in drunk. Everybody was pretty wild but got along.

While working at that Kroger's I was making real money for the first time basically ever, and that was a lot of freedom as I had been broke a while. Mainly it was MY money. So of course, all the time while I
worked there I'd buy DXM after work and take it as soon as I got home, working then tripping on dxm than going back to work the next night without any sleep. I was pushing my body to the breaking point.

So, about DXM again. There were many brands, that changed over the years, although the Robotussin was a constant brand, the others changed a lot. Eventually a brand called Coricidin: Cough (for high
blood pressure) came out about this time. It is still stocked today. (This was during 2001 & 2002 though.) The problem is that not only did I have very low blood pressure already, but Coricidin has this really
weird antihistamine in it designed for people with high blood pressure. Of course, they don't expect you to take 40 pills, either, which I did, frequently, every few days, for the DXM, but the antihistamine that was combined with the DXM was very bad for me. People have died from doing what I did, there have been several
fatalities, so, it could have killed me, considering I was doing it ALL the time.

So I was mainly taking the Coricidin, and it was changing the nature of my DXM trips in very weird ways. I had already long been taking higher doses of DXM to get the same effects that I used to, except
instead of the same effects I tended to dose too high, where you wouldn't really get euphoria and instead you just get really confused. So, I spent a lot of days in a state of severe confusion, disorientation, and short term memory loss so bad that I'd cry in frustration looking for that joint I put down 15 seconds ago and now
couldn't find where it is, search for an hour for it and finally find it, weeping with relief that I could go smoke my joint now. All of this was the way it was when I started taking Coricidin.

I started having really weird full-blown hallucinations while taking
my dangerous Coricidin trips, like that I was floating up in a
satellite in orbit with the Earth spread below, and that it was this
super-advanced satellite that Earth didn't know about and it was used
to control all reality on earth, you could move the controls around to
see anywhere on earth at any time, into the past or future, and all
the major prophets and stuff were up there controlling and observing
the Earth. Really weird. Once I saw the end of the world, where Russia
attacked and nuked Israel and a nuclear war started and it was all
really detailed and like I was seeing it like it was a movie. A lot of
this was some weird fucked up delirium from the antihistamines
reacting with the DXM.

Then I had my first heart episode thingy, because of the stupid
Coricidin. I was having some hallucination while tripping, it's hard
to explain, but it was like I was seeing this giant glowing flower
that was opening up, and it was right near me, and I was trying to put
my hands or arms around it, and as it was opening it was pulsing in a
regular rhythm, and I began to realize the pulsing was growing more
intense and that it was my heartbeat, and I tried to draw back from
the flower but it was all sticky and it took a great amount of effort
to do, anyways, somehow I had gotten into a feedback loop concerning
my heart beating and it was pretty intense, I thought I was going to
have a heart attack, but I was OK.

Times had changed. This was in around 2001-2002. I had already gone
through the primary phase of my addiction and was thoroughly in the
burnout stage. I still used DXM regularly, every three days or so,
sometimes back to back days. I had long been scrounging for money and
I was just a mess after giving up the 100 gram bag of DXM. I was
taking anti-depressants again and I was rotated over time onto
different ones, being on each one probably six months. I wound up on a
medication called Cymbalta.

I was on Cymbalta perhaps four years, like 2004-2008, had been on
antidepressants for many of the years preceding.

The problem with this is that during all my years of seeing therapists
and getting antidepressants I was using high levels of DXM. There is a
chance for serotonin syndrome if you combine abuse-level dosages of
DXM and regular dosages of SSRIs or MAOIs. I probably did go through
some of that; also, the antidepressants tended to inhibit the potency
of the DXM. Yet, you can't just stop taking your antidepressants - you
have to taper, and even tapering can be horrible. So I continued to
take them even thought they weren't helping me, either from chance or
more likely because I was fucking with my neurotransmitters with DXM
at the same time.

Sometime during this period was when I got "caught" shoplifting again.
AGAIN, my second time for trying to steal DXM, my third time being
nabbed on ANY shoplifting, and all three times I was nabbed I wasn't
charged and was just let go. Thankfully!

Basically it was the same Kroger's I had been caught shoplifting 4-5
years before, how stupid of me. They had banned me from going in when
I was originally caught, but over the years I started going back in
just to buy regular stuff again and had no problems, management had
changed. I went into the kroger's with a shitload of change, nipped
from my parents' changejars, with the intention of buying some dxm,
and stealing some more dxm. I poured all the change into the CoinStar
machine and it added it all up and gave me a little coupon thing that
you turn in at the register for the credit. Then I went and stole some
dxm by getting a cart and walking throughout the store picking up
stuff in the cart so I wouldn't look suspicious. Anyways someone
noticed and while I was in line he told me to hand it over, so I gave
him the DXM. He kinda looked like a plains clothes or maybe just store
security but he seemed on the professional side, in either case. He
told me to leave, and I was like, fuck, I have $10 on the CoinStar
coupon that has to be cashed the SAME DAY and it was night already so
I basically lost the money on it AND had no DXM! That sucked....

That was actually probably pre-2001 right there. In 2001 I think it
was (I have a hard time with the order and dates of when things have
happened) was when I started working at the other Kroger's, the
signature store on Normandy Drive. That was hard, it was the only real
job I've ever kept. I worked there for a year and they worked me like
a dog for $7.50/hr. Some weeks I would work 50-60 hours, and this is
all manual labor stuff, stocking shelves, crushing boxes and stuff.
Pain in the ass, but my obsessive/compulsive side that loved to sort
was ALL into it. I already talked about this job some... but I did
steal DXM all the time at this store too. Sometimes I bought it, but
most of the time since we worked graveyard shift I would wait until
about five in the morning and go get a shopping cart and go through
all the aisles picking up all the leftover crap and I would head to
the pharmacy side and drop some dxm in with the trash and leftover
stuff in the cart, then wheel it to the back and steal the dxm.
Anyways, I did that a bunch of times, at least ten times, stealing it,
I mean.

I had long since stopped taking the damaging combination of drugs in
Coricidin, once I read about them online. I probably took Coricidin
for 4-6 months. Then it was just the Robotussin cough syrup, a
somewhat foul thick liquid that tasted pretty nasty/sweet, but I had
grown to love the taste over the years and could just chug it 4 oz
down in one or two gulps without any chaser or anything. Plus it had
lots of alcohol and other additives and stuff in it like thickeners
and stuff that just really made your digestive system active. Is that
the right word?

So finally they came out with the Robotussin CoughGels that were just
pills of liquid gels of DXM, and you only had to take 20-40 of them to
get high..... a lot of pills, but no bad taste, and I got used to
swallowing three gel pills at a time, knock all the pills out in ten
minutes. Very practiced at my profession, yes I am.

This was a time when my parents were worried, I was seeing people for
help, I was on the antidepressants, my brother had stopped going out
all the time and was staying home as much as he could to watch over me
like a hawk. Many times would I be patiently waiting for him to go to
bed, waiting until I was sure I could leave, sneaking out, getting
dxm, then coming home and finding adam or worse my dad waiting for me.
I always made sure to take the dxm on the way home after they
confiscated it once.
I was doing everything I could to keep taking it, no matter how many
betrayals or lies it took.... I mean, I wouldn't like steal a credit
card, or anything like that, but just small amounts of money that
wouldn't go noticed. Over time they began picking up on this, making
sure the purse isn't being left out of their bedroom at night, etc.

Lots of suspicion and paranoia and nobody could figure out how to stop
me from doing what I was doing, besides kicking me out or something,
and they weren't going to do that. Eventually Adam began honing his
instincts towards my intoxication. I was to the point where I was
taking very low doses of DXM all the time and it would leave me in a
somewhat drunken, slightly-slurring, slightly intoxicated state, and
he got to the point where he could ALWAYS tell when I'd been using.


So, up to this point, circa 2007, I had never done opiates in my life.
I think I might have had 1 script of vicodin once, but it didn't make
too much of an impression, I mean, I wasn't going to go out looking
for pills, you know? I had my DXM.

So while Adam and I were alone in the old house, I was continuing to
struggle with frequent DXM abuse and Adam kept catching me doing it.
Things were getting hairy. Adam was very strung-out over all my
problems and how I kept betraying him and sneaking around and always
doing it.

My teeth had basically fallen apart, a lot of them, and I got a
realllly bad infection in one of them. I had been getting dental
infections for quite some time. Sometimes they would go away.
Sometimes I had antibiotics and I would kill it off without going to
the dentist. This time I tried to hope it would go away, used all the
home remedies I knew of, and it kept getting worse. The pain was
excruciating, unbearable. The swelling grew up my cheek and began
pooling into my eye socket. I knew I had to go see someone.

I went to some random dentist. (I've gone through many dentists and
most were horrible. I've also never had a GP since I was like 10). The
dentist checked me out and told me he couldn't do anything for me; he
advised me to go to the emergency room. I didn't say it, I should
have, but I was like, what the fuck, you know I am in a shitload of
pain, a huge amount of pain, and you won't even help with antibiotics
or painkillers. ESPECIALLY the painkillers, he knew I must have been
in a huge amount of pain, AND he knew I would have to go to the
emergency room where I would have to wait at least 6-8 hours for any
pain relief. But he didn't do a damn thing, he let me walk out and
sent me on my way. Damn him.

So I had to go to the fucking emergency room. I sat in a lobby for a
long time before they even saw me, then they talked to me, and I had
to go sit and wait again. I had no insurance. I waited about 8 hours
before they FINALLY gave me 2 vicodin, which only helped a bit. Those
8 hours were really horrible. Then I had to wait another 2 hours and
they finally gave me a prescription for 20 vicodin and said to come
back the next day. No antibiotics.

So I was OK that night from the painkillers but I had to take quite a
few to help. (had never really used vicodin before; had no opiates
problem yet, only the DXM). I went back the next day at like 8 in the
morning, had to wait like 3-4 more hours. Finally they call me in and
say they are extracting. I'm like, uh, I have swelling into my eye,
this is going to be painful. Well, it was. It's not family dentist or
anyone who actually CARED about my pain. The stupid guy was on a
schedule. he gave me one or two shots and didn't even wait for them to
really take effect and he tried to pull it. I was basically screaming
and he's just like, relax, but damn, that was one of the most painful
things I've ever experienced when he pulled that tooth. It was my left
canine. The torment was unbelievable and I was on like five vicodin I
had taken, it cut through everything and smacked me sober. I was
crying when I walked out, crying hard.

So they gave me another prescription of Vicodin and that was it. That
adventure was over.... but never get an infected tooth pulled in the
emergency room. Besides, they charged me like 1,500-2000 for
everything.. when the dentist could have done it for almost a tenth
the cost; but he was too scared because of how bad the infection was.

So after that happened then we moved here, where my parents had
already been getting everything all home-like and everything. I told
Adam, I'm going to try to stop the DXM, moving to a new house is a
fresh start, I'll try to change. Of course I tried; it didn't work.

So it wasn't long before I was sneaking out at night and walking to
the Randall's (2 miles each way) and buying more cough syrup. I kept
getting caught. I remember one of the times I was walking home at 2 am
and rain started pouring down. I came home and I was soaked to the
bone and freezing and Adam and my Mom were awake. The stupid dog had
woke them up and they couldn't find me. They were so mad.

Another time during this period (May-August 2007) I walked at 2am down
to the Randall's but before I could get there Adam pulled up next to
me in the car. I was so pissed that I hadn't got the DXM first... -_-

So Adam's pulling his hair out, he's done everything he could try and
I still won't stop.

We had been working on a system where I could use DXM every 2 weeks or
so as long as he supervised me and I promised not to do it elsewhere.
This didn't last long; I kept sneaking around. But there was another
incident. Another heart incident.

It was pretty traumatic for me AND Adam. It was an "authorized" dose
so I was allowed to do it, I was so excited to be able to do it with
his permission; him, he was willing to try anything to get me to slow
down, not use so much, etc.

So I took a fairly large dose and everything was alright but weird
until I peaked. Usually you peak on DXM about 2 hours after you take
it, and like I said I always smoke a joint around the same time to
maximize the peak. Adam was on my computer played Civ 4 I think, and I
was on his computer (since his puter didn't have civ 4 he had to play
on mine). Anyway, I guess I was peaking and laying down on my stomach
on the ground (his monitor was on the floor, he's crazy that way) and
I suddenly felt like my heart had stopped beating, or something had
happened with my heart. Actually at the time I was convinced that a
heart valve had gotten stuck and I was about to die. It sounds weird
and I guess it was the drugs; but remember, I had had another heart
episode a few years before with the Coricidin, the beating sticky
heart-flower thing that somehow I had gotten into an internal feedback
loop with my heart, etc.

So this was the second heart incident, and I got up shouting and
hitting my chest with my fist and I came running in to see Adam and I
was screaming My heart, My heart, I'm dying, and I was totally flipped
out off the wall manic apeshit crazy. And he was hugging me and saying
goodbye pretty much and I was in such a manic state I licked up into
his ear, gross as it sounds, because I was doing anything to be able
to touch my brother while I was dying, I was convinced I was dying.
And then it was over, I sank to the ground in his arms, and nothing
happened. Life continued.

This hurt Adam a lot. It was almost torture for him, because he
believed as well as I did that I was dying, and afterwards he just got
really angry and hurt and upset, and I don't blame him. Anyway the
rest of the night was fine but we decided that I wasn't going to do
DXM any more.

Then I see this article on the internet. About this guy who got into
poppies. And that gave me an idea.

- THE POPPY SEASON -

I started thinking, well, I can use the poppies instead of the DXM. I
mean, you're not supposed to abuse DXM more then every month or two AT
MOST and I had been using it for over a decade, every three days or
so. I was a wreck, totally burned out, heart problems, teeth
destroyed, life destroyed, just everything fubar. All my energy levels
were depleted and I was having a hard time (basically the way I am
now).

I talked to Adam about it and he reluctantly agreed. I set up a
schedule of when I could take poppies to combat my DXM addiction. Then
I began ordering poppy pods.

It didn't take long before I was doing it all behind Adam's back, and
for a few months it was pretty great. Then it started to suck as I had
to use it to prevent getting sick. This was all of 2008.

I would run out of poppies, order more. I was eating it all the time,
no longer making tea except every once in a while; instead I was just
swallowing the powder by the spoonful. All the time, every day, just
to keep from getting sick, occasionally using more than I needed, so I
could get high sometimes. I would basically be up for 2 days then
crash and sleep 18 hours. This cycle went on for a long time.

This was about the time I kicked Cymbalta. I knew a lot about it
through research and decided I was fucking done with antidepressants,
possibly forever. There's so many bad things about them. I know they
do a lot of good things for my Mom (who is also on Cymbalta, among
other things like Abilify) but they have fucked me up. So I was like,
OK, I know how bad it's going to be, but I'm going cold-turkey off
Cymbalta without seeing my psychiatrist.

Man, this sucked... really bad. It's funny how the drug manufacturers
fight so hard to be able to legally say, ANTIDEPRESSANTS ARE NOT
ADDICTIVE, but by all major medical definitions of the word
'addiction', they are. They cause withdrawals when you stop taking
them. They don't call this withdrawal, even though it is. they call it
"sudden discontinuation syndrome".

You get LOTS of bad things happen to you when you stop taking
Cymbalta: dysphoric mood, irritability, agitation, dizziness, sensory
disturbances (e.g., paresthesias such as electric shock sensations),
anxiety, confusion, headache, lethargy, emotional lability, insomnia,
hypomania, tinnitus, and possible seizures. These symptoms are
generally self-limiting but have been known to be severe.

The worst was the electric shock sensations through your limbs ALL the
time, it was really shitty. Also, brain zaps: they suck so bad,
especially when you move your head or turn your head even just a
little bit then you'd get electric zaps through your brain and down
your body, it was really bad.

So I went through this for a couple of weeks of increasingly severe
symptoms to the point where I was in agony, couldn't function, and
desperate. I finally went and saw my psychiatrist, and he put me on
wellbutrin right away. I begged for some anxiolitics, something like
xanax or something just for a few days during the transition, but he
refused, So i had to suffer for a few more days until the wellbutrin
brought all my levels back up again. Heartless bastard, not knowing
what it was like, fuck him!!

So I was on wellbutrin for another 6-8 months and then I quit it cold
turkey. It was not nearly as bad, but it still sucked. And I haven't
seen my psychiatrist or any other therapist since, and haven't been on
antidepressants again. This was late 2007.


In the fall of 2008, about a year ago, I began getting these heart
issues. I'm not sure exactly what it is, I'd have to look it up again,
but it's not fluttering, or murmurs. You know how, sometimes, like
once in a blue moon, you'll feel your heart stop for a second, you'll
hold your breath, and then it'll continue pumping with an extra-hard
beat? That's normal. It happens to everyone every once in a while. But
I started getting these attacks of them. Some evenings I would get the
"missing beat" feeling like every 3-5 minutes for a couple of hours or
longer. It would bother me before going to sleep.

I think part of this heart thing was wear from the DXM, but the
codeine/morphine was antagonizing it from the lower blood pressure and
general depressed respiration.

I got these heart episodes mainly through the fall of 2008, then it
stopped and hasn't noticeably happened in 2009. This is a relief to
me, but I'm still very concerned about my heart and the drug abuse.

I guess we may as well get into the last heart incident.

So, I've had all these heart issues. I had NOT USED DXM for almost 2
years except for just 3 or 4 small slips. HUGE DIFFERENCE compared to
the every 2-3 days regimen I'd been keeping for over a decade. So I
was basically OFF THE DXM but now I was totally addicted to opiates -
in their natural form (which means codeine and morphine, but lots of
weird other substances in the poppies, like thebaine). I had been
spending more and eating more poppies and it was getting ridiculous as
my tolerance increased.

And of course Adam and I tried more schedules with the poppies and it
didn't work, I kept getting around it and getting my fix instead of
following the 'rules'.

Finally Adam persuades me to kick in June of 2009. It was really bad,
I've already gone over it with you before. It was horrible, really
really bad. I basically didn't sleep for over a week and I'd hate to
have to go through ALL the bad SYMPTOMS and HORRIBLE WITHDRAWALS like
I did those 2 weeks. NOTHING would comfort.

FINALLY kicked the opiates for 13 days. Started using again. Told
myself it would be once a week, twice at most, knowing I was going to
fail. Then Alvin and Dale come over, and they INSIST I go with them to
their place for 2-3 days. I bring all my opiates of course, and pig
out on them, and then when I got back home later, I was back in the
daily habit again. Of course, it wasn't their fault, it was my fault,
but it was a trigger to set me off. Anything would have done it, it
wasn't realistic for me to expect that an addict could chip once a
week and hope not to get addicted (with poppies, 1 time a week is
pretty much guaranteed not to give you dependence; the thing is,
sticking to once a week, lol.).

OK so I was struggling with the opiates again, eating them all the time.

As you know, I walk down to Kroger's almost every day for cigarettes.
One of these days I walked past the cough/cold aisle, just looking,
yeah right, and they were DISCONTINUING the Robotussin COUGHGELS from
Kroger's and they were on sale for half price. Well of course, I
started buying them, and bought a bunch. Then I saw they had the ZICAM
MAX COUGH MIST SPRAY they normally you would use to spray a little DXM
in your mouth to treat your cough, but what abusers do is take the lid
off the spray bottle and just drink the contents: it's extremely
concentrated DXM. It was also being discontinued and was half price.

So my temptations gave way, I began fantasizing about DXM. I bought
and tried some and it was just OK.

One of the reasons why I had quit the DXM 2 years previous was also
because of the tolerance. Over my decade of use most of the effects
now were non-existent; I could drink a 4oz bottle of syrup (for a
naive person would be a strong moderate dose of fucked up tripiness)
and I would basically get like a marijuana type high with nothing
else, it really sucked. It's called "losing the magic" and happens
especially with DXM, opiates, and ecstasy. Actually with ecstasy and
DXM abusers refer to the idea as the '50 trip limit', as in once you
take that many doses then that's it, the magic is gone and you won't
get it back. In actuality, it's the '50 trip limit' because anyone
doing it that much doesn't wait long enough between doses (should wait
at least 2-4 weeks between trips), and their tolerance slowly rises.

So anyways, the whole point is, my "magic" (remember my Golden Years,
how I raved about how good they were?) had long been gone with DXM and
I was just kind of using it to not feel shitty, which of course the
DXM use itself is what fucked up my brain to feel shitty to begin with
(besides my natural depression and other problems).

When all this DXM went on sale at Kroger's, I tried it once and it was
just OK. Then I tried a higher dose and it brought me to a higher
plateau (there are four plateaus when taking DXM; each one has very
different effects). The magic had come back because I was hitting the
upper second plateau again. I got all the old effects, almost to their
old potency. The intense euphoria and all the other effects (insight,
feeling of genius, other world, movies being real, etc) were there. I
was playing Diablo 2 and I have played hundreds of hours on that game
and last month when I took DXM Diablo 2 was, seriously, like a whole
other game. It's hard to explain, but it was awesome.

So I was having a great time with the magic having come back, and I
was doing it like twice a week or so. The thing is, NOBODY COULD
NOTICE that I was doing it because I was taking second-plateau sized
doses, and Adam's HAIR TRIGGER where he could always tell I was fucked
up, it wasn't working, because he was trying to sense me on first
plateau doses. For example, slurring. I would not slur on these higher
doses so it did not give me away. NO ONE HAD ANY IDEA I was doing it
again, ON TOP of the opiates, too.

So I played around with this stuff for like two months until about
four weeks ago (around August 20th 2009). Then the next heart incident
happened.

This part, like a lot of my autobiography, is difficult for me to
write about. First, it's impossible for me to convey to you how
traumatic this experience was for me. In many ways it resembled some
sort of heart attack. This was NOT psychological in any way; it was
very physical. I did NOT overreact, or anything like that. It was very
REAL and scared the living shit out of me and I thought I was going to
die, for real. I just can't explain how devastating it was. Secondly,
this just happened about five weeks ago and it's very fresh on my mind
and I'm still really traumatized by it. Still, however I describe it,
you can't know what it was like without experiencing it yourself.

I had taken a fairly large dose of DXM, probably my 12th or so time
since I had relapsed the month before. I took 680 mg, a rather extreme
dose in a DXM-naive individual but a moderate dose for me, enough to
get upper 2nd plateau effects. Again, it happened when I was peaking,
about 2 hours after ingestion. I had just smoked a joint and come into
the house and I was curling up on my chair and beginning to continue
my Diablo 2 game.

I began getting a weird sensation, actually it was hearing-based and I
was like, what was that sound? Then I started having these weird
internal reactions in my head, almost like a buzzing electric shock
that was extended, amplified, whatever. This happened for a few
minutes and after it ended I was like, wow, I think I just had a
seizure, which I think is what it was. I had had minor ones with DXM
use in the past that I maybe had not recognized as small seizures.
Anyway, this seemed like a real seizure.

Shortly after this happened, my heart got all fucked up. I don't know
how to explain it. It almost felt like a burst, or like something held
in place let go. It was almost like a bubble had formed outside the
heart and blood was pulsing into the bubble. My heart was _sloshing_
in long, loud rhythms that were deafening in my ears, and I had a lot
of pain in my upper chest. My left arm felt swollen and was extended
out a bit from my body. I can't explain it more than that. I was
freaked out, gonzo, this had never happened before and it was
unmistakable that something had gone seriously wrong. I was walking
all fucked up and I knew I was having some sort of episode.

So I managed to get downstairs and I went and had a cigarette and that
only helped a slight bit but I was a wreck. It wasn't that my heart
was beating really fast, or anything like that, it was sloshing in an
extended beat that was unlike anything else ever. It felt like my
heart was coming out of my chest with every beat and it was painful
and more than alarming, I was up in arms, I was totally freaking out.

So I thought about it a while and debated and wanted to call 911 and
wondered if I was going to die. This went on for about 20 minutes. I
wanted to wake my parents up and see what to do. I kept going to their
bedroom but hesitating at the door. Finally I opened it, but then I
shut it again. After deliberating I went in and woke them up. The way
they woke up and everything that transpired at that time caused me
much shame and embarrassment, how they woke up and had no idea what
was going on and how I had to explain everything about the DXM use I'd
gotten back into and what was going on.

My dad being a nurse, he checked me out, basically said, you haven't
fallen over dead yet and it would have happened already if it was
going to. He totally believed me and agreed that it wasn't just some
psychological panic attack, it was very real and very similar to a
heart attack. My mom went back to bed after we decided I would wait it
out.

I was afraid to sit down for two more hours because of the condition
I was in. Near the end (the whole episode lasted about 3 hours), I was
getting a very strange feeling, vast electric shocks going through the
nervous system from my brain down into my right leg, down to the toes.
It was horrible, it felt like dying. My heart also changed what it was
doing and began to... vibrate. It was very scary for me.

Then all that stuff stopped, and I was back to just tripping on DXM.
So my Dad stayed with me the whole time and we talked very frankly for
like six hours straight (helped that I was all at ease with no
inhibitions since I was high on DXM). We worked out a lot of things, I
was very honest with him and it opened up a lot of social barriers
that had been interfering with our relationship.

At that point I had to face my reality that I could not and should not
ever do DXM again. I know I probably will, but I'm determined not to
for as long as possible, hopefully for a number of years. This makes
me very sad and angry. I know I had long since had all that I deserved
from this drug but I want to be able to go back to the DXM universe
(the 'dextroverse') more in the future, and that door has been shut
against me because of my actions. So, yeah, it sucks.

Since then (five weeks ago) I also kicked the opiates again, although
it was very "mild" (ha!) this time, and now I've been dealing with all
the post-acute withdrawals stuff, and determined not to buy more DXM.
It's right there, at the store, right now, and I want to buy it right
now. Five bucks, I can go get kind of fucked up. But it could KILL ME
and I don't want to go through ANY MORE HEART EPISODES it scared the
living shit out of me.

I know you will say, well, maybe it taught me a lesson. But addiction
tends not to teach lessons, it just grabs your heart with its inky
black fist and squeezes until you die!!!

tyrus568 added 58 Minutes and 7 Seconds later...

Oh, yeah... this was my friend's reply:

"Obviously, you know you have a problem... a critically serious problem, which will kill you if you continue to engage in it. It scared you enough to get you to stop, but you know you'll get urges again. In fact, you're still feeding your addictions with the poppy seeds [you bought 10 oz you've been eating] even though you know you shouldn't be doing it. You need to encapsulate your feelings that you have about dying right now... Get it all written down. On a piece of paper that will fit in your wallet or anything else that you carry on you all the time, write down the words "If I use again, I am going to die." When you get the urge, remind yourself of that.

Your family knows you have a problem and they're deeply concerned about you. None of them want to lose you. They go out of their way to try to support you, because they know if left unchecked to your urges, you ARE
going to die. Maybe even on your next flirtation with DXM. They're all making sacrifices, trying to give you strength. Lean on them, they'd rather have you ruin their day or week than have you die. Tell them that they need to go to the store with you, or you will be tempted and you will relapse.

Get yourself into a NA support group. Yes, it goes against your avoidant grain. Everyone there is fucked up, just like you. Nobody is going to look down on you for being timid or an addict. Get your chip and start counting your sobriety. It is paramount to your continued existence that you remain sober. They don't give a damn about the [redacted] thing and it doesn't need to be brought up. You use because it is an escape from the anxiety and fear you carry as an avoidant.

You're getting arrhythmia, it's only a matter of time before your heart gives out if you continue to use. Chances are, the nerves are already damaged. You may need a pacemaker before you hit 40 to make sure your heart stays in rhythm.

You need to get better... again, you NEED to get better. This isn't something you can put off. You can be avoidant your whole life and still get by. Your body simply can't continue with the way you've already abused it if you continue to abuse it in the future. See about filing for medicaid, you should qualify given that you have no income. Unlike unemployment, they aren't going to try to force you to get a job, they'll just verify that you can't support yourself currently. You'll need to contact your county department of social services for that. Once you get that, get yourself a physician. Tell him about your abuse, leave out the opiates if you want, so you can continue to get pain killers in the future since you're worried about that. You need a physical and a cardiac exam pronto. The doctor isn't going to turn you into the cops for your drug abuse, he's going to try to assess the damage done to your body and get you the help you need to correct and/or live with it."

--------
And my reply to him....

First, it's humid as hell out here and I was sweating a lot walking to
the store because it's 80 degrees (at 11:30 at night) with 95%
humidity.. the walk is only like a half mile each way though. there
was hardly anybody outside, which is pretty unusual. Didn't buy any
cans of poppy seeds or anything like that; you'll know if I fuck up...
I'm not going to lie by omission... but fuck up I'm sure I will. -_-



It's not like I haven't been involved already in trying to understand
my addiction and whether I should quit. I don't wanna quit. That's the
problem, I'm very unhappy obviously, but I can't face the fact of
quitting. My dad says that he thinks about me a lot everyday and has
dreamed that maybe someday I'll just be struck like paul on the way to
damascus and have some kind of spiritual conversion. He just doesn't
want me to be unhappy and distressed.

I'm having a hard time living from day to day. I can only try to focus
on the day I'm in yet I'm having a hard time. I can't look to the
future at all because then I'm looking at that commitment to quit. I'm
pretty committed to stopping using DXM for as long as possible, but I
doubt it will be the rest of my life. Quitting DXM isn't so bad as
long as I have something else, i.e. opiates, sure. But quitting
opiates too I have a hard time dealing with, even though I know they
aren't the best thing for me. So I can only tell myself that I'm
taking a break for a couple months, and that I'm going to get some
poppies in december maybe. So if I can stop taking the poppy seeds and
not have anything until december then, shit, that's good progress.

Yep. even though the poppy seeds don't do shit for me but make me
slightly less uncomfortable. and then slightly more uncomfortable a
few days later. I shouldn't be doing them at all.. I am not going to
do them anymore as far as I can help it.

The main thing I want for me is not doing DXM. The opiates, well, I
don't know, all 3 heart episodes were when I was peaking on large
doses of DXM. Then I had all the heart arrhythmia episodes during the
fall of last year, which all those episodes I was not using any DXM
and I was on the opiates, so it seems like the opiates are, at the
minimum, not helping with my health and could be contributing danger
to my heart. Don't know for sure. The DXM I am very committed to not
using for as long as I can.

Another thing I wanted to say was that I'm considering posting on the
drugs-forum.com part of the epic Saga, just the parts relating to the
drug abuse, and see what various people have to say. with a tl;dr
version. :P

I don't think I can do this [referring to keeping a card in my wallet saying I will die if I do DXM]. I hate myself, why would I believe
anything I wrote to myself. I can't depend on myself to do anything.
Thank you for the advice, but to tell the truth it just seems cheesy
to me, it's the same thing with AA and NA, I have a hard time
tolerating it. I've been to AA for my problem, I know what goes on
there. It doesn't seem to help me. I don't want to do the 12 steps. I
have to work it out by trying to find support down different avenues.

I relapse all the time. Once you realize the fact of relapse, then
every time you use anything you also receive a complimentary large
does of guilt. Because you know now that you can never, ever, just
have it for fun anymore, with innocence; instead you are just
deepening the dependence, digging a little deeper into your shallow
grave. Recovery is rife with relapse.

My family does do a lot of things for me. We've gone through all kinds
of my shit because of my addiction, for a long time, and for a long
time I lost a lot of trust they had in me, but things have gotten
better. I know they love me. My parents love me unconditionally as far
as I can tell. My brother loves me but he's also gotten jaded and
resentful towards me in the last few years... understandably, but he
has thawed a bit lately, still, he's been hurt a lot from my actions,
so I can't blame him.

I don't know how to lean on them beyond a certain extent. I've tried
various ways, but I can't betray myself, I can't be like yesterday,
going to kroger's, adam wants me to go in and get book of stamps and
gives me a debit card, I can't tell him to come in with me. He would
be so mad, but mainly it's: I made the decision I wanted to get them [poppy seeds],
I can't then betray myself. Sometimes I have in the past, sabotaged
myself so I can't get drugs, but rarely. (my heart literally skipped a
beat here, wtf... hopefully an anomaly)

I doubt I would go to NA, as they can be breeding grounds for drug
contacts. I have been to AA, but admittedly only one time..

My equivalent right now is the drugs-forum.com. There's a lot of good
support there, just no face-to-face contact...

I don't need the chip. I know it's a physical symbol, but I can count
my own sobriety, if I was crazy enough to be dedicated to hard-line
sobriety. I don't plan to stay sober. If worst came to worst I would
drink alcohol to relieve myself, but weed is a better alternative. I
couldn't take life sober. Fuck, I would probably do something drastic.
But even if I didn't then my life would be full of boredom and misery,
you know, kinda like yours. Which I know isn't fair for me to say....
-_-

Sure, I'm miserable now, but if I was sober I'd be more aware of how
miserable I am, and life would be a little emptier. People have to
have a release valve, you say I should never take any drugs
recreationally again, yet you know I am a troubled emotionally
arrested [redacted] confined to his house 95% of the time with all these
avoidance and anxiety issues. What else am I supposed to do? I've
looked at a lot of options. I'm too comfortable where I'm at. I need
to make small changes to really influence my life.

[Referring to heart failure] Sure, it's always possible, but you're no doctor. At least it's not
the heart fluttering; people who have that heart problem, when the
heart flutters, that's how it creates clots that eventually years
later release and cause embolisms in the brain. But I don't get the
heart fluttering; my heart was just skipping a beat more frequently
then it should be, which I guess is arrhythmia.

[Referring to getting help NOW] Of course I could put it off. Then I would probably get another heart
incident, and if it was anything like the last one it would be really
terrifying and nasty. It could or couldn't kill me, it could just
damage me to where I would really regret it.

I'm committed to not using DXM for as long as I can. I'm interested in
possibly getting more support and help for my opiates problem, but I'm
not sure what to do about that yet.

[Referring to getting Medicaid] See, but I can't force myself to do it. It's too hard and confusing,
and awkward and everything else. I'm not sure if I qualify for
medicaid, living with my family and being above poverty level. My dad
still files me as a dependent on his taxes.

I feel so bad. I feel like such a dick. See, I go through and tell you
all this stuff, all my problems, and then I ask you for advice, and
then when you tell me what to do, I whine, "but that actually involved
work!" and just want to run back into my room and close the door.

"need to contact your county department of social services for that"


and that, I just don't know if I can do that... how to do that, if
it's by phone that sounds like it could be hard phone conversation to
have.... I don't know...

About the doctor, I just don't have any money. My parents do, but just
letting me see the dentist is pretty expensive when it's all cash no
insurance.... I think it was 250 last week and we were lucky since
they didn't charge us for the nitrous (75) or the x-ray they took
(prob 25 or so).

My dad has mentioned something about a Gold Card for east texas. Which
I have no idea what it is, I don't think it's medicaid, but I need to
look into that too as that could help me find a doctor we could
afford. I don't know, I need a cardiac exam. I don't know about doing
this part, though, because even mentioning the DXM abuse, I'm
reluctant to do that.... I don't know.....

Well like I said I may make a long post on the drugs-forum and just
kind of see what people say; some of them are really good at what they
do, and I'll weigh it all together.

Getting help is the problem, deciding what help is the best for
me.... I have to want to quit. That's what it comes down to..

[friend has not replied to this message yet.]

Post Quality Evaluations:
Honest, insightful post. Excellent harm reduction post, warns of everything that could happen.
Very honest warning about drug addiction on OTC medicines. Useful advice to others.
holy shit. what an incredible, cathartic post. thank you so much for sharing and i wish you the best of luck to recover - you can do it! Think about your brother, and your family, the next time you have an urge to try dxm.
An amazing biographical insight into the ups and downs of someone's life on the drug. Unparalleled.
Thanks for sharing the story with the boards! Very detailed too
Brutally honest and compelling. Anyone with an interest in drugs should read this!
Wow... Thank you for sharing that... Wow
SWIY's got the balls that SWIM lacks...very touching
Requiem for a Dream: The New Class. Quality
Great post man... Read the entire thing. Keep us posted
Very interesting and honest.
Excellent post. I see far too many similarities in our stories for comfort. Luckily I spent half the time you did on that road, tripping nearly every day. DXM has caused too too many problems in my life, but it gets better. Best of luck, friend.
Most excellent depiction of your history of abuse. Must read!.
Holy sweet jesus. One of the best posts I've seen. It's made me consider my own abuse in ways I never thought of. Great job!
Very informative, heart touching and well written... I've learned a lot about DXM and abuse in general from it.
Thisis the most honest, heartwrenching and yet unsentimental write-up I have seen for a long, long time. I wish you all the best.
Incredible my friend.
What can I add? I have mailed the link to like evryone I think who might be at risk (after , first of al, reading it myself!
I've been curious myself for the longest time of the negative side effects of long term DXM abuse and it seems you being the guinea pig for many of us out there... thank you! And Good Luck!
All I have to say is thank you for sharing that. Excellent read and I hope you're doing better now since it's almost 5 years later after you wrote this.

Last edited by Ilsa; 17-10-2009 at 07:56. Reason: Automerged Doublepost;price discussion
  #2  
Old 06-10-2009, 11:18
missparkles missparkles is offline
Platinum Member & Advisor
 
Join Date: 02-06-2009
Female from United Kingdom
Posts: 5,642
missparkles is a true resource and beyond reputemissparkles is a true resource and beyond reputemissparkles is a true resource and beyond reputemissparkles is a true resource and beyond reputemissparkles is a true resource and beyond reputemissparkles is a true resource and beyond reputemissparkles is a true resource and beyond reputemissparkles is a true resource and beyond reputemissparkles is a true resource and beyond reputemissparkles is a true resource and beyond reputemissparkles is a true resource and beyond repute
Points: 15,408, Level: 18 Points: 15,408, Level: 18 Points: 15,408, Level: 18
Activity: 11.4% Activity: 11.4% Activity: 11.4%
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

Sparkles doesn't know what to say, she was blown away by SWIYs honesty and insight. Thank you for sharing that.
Seems like he knows what he's gotta do, so there's not much she can say. Don't forget, you're family are there to support you, so use them.
Sparkles is a good listener, if he needs to talk, feel free to PM her.
Well done for getting that off your chest.
Sparkles.
  #3  
Old 06-10-2009, 19:19
anonuser30500 anonuser30500 is offline
Titanium Member
 
Join Date: 09-05-2009
44 y/o Male from United Kingdom
Posts: 409
anonuser30500 probably knows what they are talking about.anonuser30500 probably knows what they are talking about.anonuser30500 probably knows what they are talking about.anonuser30500 probably knows what they are talking about.
Points: 490, Level: 3 Points: 490, Level: 3 Points: 490, Level: 3
Activity: 0% Activity: 0% Activity: 0%
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

Thanks for the informative history of your Swiys addictions.

Swim did not know what DXM was, but he does now.

Your family sound like real nice folks, and it can make the difference when people go through addictions, just to have people who care.
  #4  
Old 06-10-2009, 20:03
EyesOfTheWorld EyesOfTheWorld is offline
R.I.P.
 
Join Date: 06-10-2008
Male from United States
Posts: 1,452
EyesOfTheWorld really adds to the discussion.EyesOfTheWorld really adds to the discussion.EyesOfTheWorld really adds to the discussion.EyesOfTheWorld really adds to the discussion.EyesOfTheWorld really adds to the discussion.EyesOfTheWorld really adds to the discussion.EyesOfTheWorld really adds to the discussion.
Points: 2,267, Level: 7 Points: 2,267, Level: 7 Points: 2,267, Level: 7
Activity: 0% Activity: 0% Activity: 0%
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

OK. SWIM will be honest that he didn't read the whole thing. He's dope sick and looking at the screen too long is physically painful, but he read the intro and snippets of the rest of it, and has a bit of advice to offer SWIY.
First of all, don't beat SWIYself up about not having money and living at home at 32. It sounds worse than it is. Especially in an economy like this one, many people are finding themselves in the same or similar situation, and many of them don't have the "excuse" of drugs.

Full disclosure: SWIM has money and ways to get more money, but he too is currently living at home at 32, due to his last roommate and him clashing over SWIM's heroin use and the roommates habit of stealing cocaine from SWIM (said cocaine was intended for sale, to pay SWIMs rent. SWIM is still going to fuck up his ex roommate). In SWIMs area its common for landlords to want first, last and security, job references and a good credit report. SWIM can get the money but the other things are far more problematic for him.

He and his parents have an agreement. He spends as little time as possible at home, they leave him alone about his recreational activities and in return he does work around the house and leaves them alone about THEIR recreational activities, which primarily center around heavy drinking and tramadol and percocet abuse. Not too different than SWIM tbh.

OK, so SWIYs situation sucks, but it's not forever, and many other people, SWIM included, are dealing with situations that are similar or the same.

On to DXM. SWIM definitely had a peiod of heavy DXM abuse. This came about partly due to not being able to source other drugs, part due to cost, and part due to the fact that at the time, his girlfriend and many close friends were fairly strongly anti-opiate and anti-cocaine, so SWIM had to find a different "hobby". He took DXM at least 3-4 times a week for about 2 years. He never got to the point of stealing it, or feeling that he was physically "addicted", but had he reached either point, he doubts it would have made him stop. However, when he did decide to stop, he did so abruptly with minimal if any discomfort other than cravings. This indicates that DXM is not all that addictive, at least physically. Mentally may be another story. It's not fully known if DXM is physically addictive. It may bind to opiate receptors and cause an issue in that way. A good way to test if this has happened to SWIY is to take a smallish dose of a reliable opiate, enough to get a non-tolerant person high, but wouldn't really effect an addict. Poppy seeds are far too variable for this, SWIM would use about 20 milligrams of oxycodone, orally, or 25 milligrams of hydrocodone, also orally. Before anyone jumps on SWIM for this advice, he is not encouraging the OP to develop a new habit, merely suggesting that opiates are a valuable tool in determining whether DXM has any physical hold on a person, and they are.

OK, if it is determined, as SWIM predicts, that there is not a physical addiction in play, it's time to stop the DXM. Just quit. If withdrawals do happen, it's not as though the stores will stop selling DXM. Find other things to do. Get active, go out with friends, find work, get laid, play music, just keep busy, busy. If SWIY doesn't want to quit all drugs, just DXM, fill the time that used to be occupied with DXM, with nonaddictive drugs (yes, SWIM is aware some of these may have mental compusions, he is talking about "addictive" in the strictest definition, no drug is without risks.), such as marijuana, psychedelics (after a period of letting ones brain get back to normal), MDMA etc. Definitely not a good idea to pick up opiates, other dissociatives, cocaine or alcohol.

Report back to SWIYus.

Post Quality Evaluations:
Thankyou for sharing an honest insight
  #5  
Old 06-10-2009, 20:27
tyrus568 tyrus568 is offline
Silver Member
 
Join Date: 29-04-2008
37 y/o Male from United States
Posts: 28
tyrus568 is on the way uptyrus568 is on the way uptyrus568 is on the way up
Points: 311, Level: 2 Points: 311, Level: 2 Points: 311, Level: 2
Activity: 0.1% Activity: 0.1% Activity: 0.1%
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

Thanks all of you guys. Miss Sparkles, I've read quite a lot of your replies and you've always seemed a good-hearted person. You seem to care about people. Just, sometimes what you say isn't necessarily what I like to hear, if you know what I mean, but you don't pull punches as to what you think. You seem to think I understand most of the options available to me, which I guess I do. I'm just not sure what I should do.

Eyes of the World, I just read your reply. I'm pretty sure it's not physical addiction, although in the past it may have been. Yes, my main thing is the cravings and the nothing to do. My problem is I've been self-medicating all my life for my avoidance disorder and the social anxiety. I've worked with cognitive behavior therapy and "exposure" therapy, but my avoidant side is difficult to overcome... it makes it very hard to do anything. Thanks for all the advice, though. Sorry to hear about your problems, they sound a lot worse than mine.

The below is more out of the notebook I found...
------------


I'm committed to not using DXM for as long as I can (I have to make the choice to use it, it's not going to just happen by accident obviously), but I have a hard time giving up everything (i.e. opiates, but "just" poppy pods, which really suck as the withdrawals tend to be worse).

Should I see an addiction specialist? I have an idea of what he's going to say and he'll probably just want me to go to a support group and put me on something horrible like naltrexone or something. METHADONE? Don't really want to do it, that's pretty scary. I don't really have the money to go see somebody like that probably, so I guess the answer is no.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

My friend wrote back about my last response. It's below. I'm being quoted.
It's not like I haven't been involved already in trying to understand
my addiction and whether I should quit. I don't wanna quit. That's the
problem, I'm very unhappy obviously, but I can't face the fact of
You can't quit until you decide that you want to quit. It's that simple.
quitting. My dad says that he thinks about me a lot everyday and has
dreamed that maybe someday I'll just be struck like paul on the way to
damascus and have some kind of spiritual conversion. He just doesn't
want me to be unhappy and distressed.
The odds are pretty slim that you'll just wake up one day and stop. It does happen though, that's how EQ [EverQuest] ended for me (ok, so it was one night instead of when I first woke up).
I relapse all the time. Once you realize the fact of relapse, then
every time you use anything you also receive a complimentary large
does of guilt. Because you know now that you can never, ever, just
have it for fun anymore, with innocence; instead you are just
deepening the dependence, digging a little deeper into your shallow
grave. Recovery is rife with relapse.
Yes, it is... BUT that's not an excuse to let yourself relapse... "oh, well, we relapse all the time, so I know I'm going to relapse. I'm just waiting for the right time." You're setting yourself up for failure.

as I can tell. My brother loves me but he's also gotten jaded and
resentful towards me in the last few years... understandably, but he
has thawed a bit lately, still, he's been hurt a lot from my actions,
so I can't blame him.
and if you continue to abuse his trust, he's going to get jaded again. At some point, he will give up and distance himself, figuring you're going to do what you want to do. You're going to feel abandoned and your use will become rampant again, likely killing yourself with it.
I don't know how to lean on them beyond a certain extent. I've tried
various ways, but I can't betray myself, I can't be like yesterday,
going to kroger's, adam wants me to go in and get book of stamps and
gives me a debit card, I can't tell him to come in with me. He would
be so mad, but mainly it's: I made the decision I wanted to get them,
I can't then betray myself. Sometimes I have in the past, sabotaged
myself so I can't get drugs, but rarely. (my heart literally skipped a
beat here, wtf... hopefully an anomaly)
He's not going to get mad if you go "Adam, do you mind coming in with me? I know it's inconvenient, but I'm really craving right now and I need you to help give me strength to keep from relapsing." He'll understand. You're doing the avoidant rejection thing here, "oh, he's going to reject me if..."
I doubt I would go to NA, as they can be breeding grounds for drug
contacts. I have been to AA, but admittedly only one time..
My equivalent right now is the drugs-forum.com. There's a lot of good
support there, just no face-to-face contact...
that's really what matters...
I don't need the chip. I know it's a physical symbol, but I can count
my own sobriety, if I was crazy enough to be dedicated to hard-line
sobriety. I don't plan to stay sober. If worst came to worst I would
drink alcohol to relieve myself, but weed is a better alternative. I
couldn't take life sober. Fuck, I would probably do something drastic.
But even if I didn't then my life would be full of boredom and misery,
you know, kinda like yours. Which I know isn't fair for me to say....
I got your follow up on this [I apologized for saying his sober life sucks], and I have to state that I wasn't hurt in the least. I know this is your addiction and fear talking. That said...

My life DOES suck, hard. But, I am actually experiencing life, in all its glory and hell. I may not be living my own life since I'm living the life other people want me to rather than what I want for myself, but I am living. Drugs are an escape from life, not a life of their own. The euphoria, hallucinations, etc aren't real, though they may seem to be to your brain. They make your problems fade for a while, but the problems never really go away and, as an added bonus, the drugs compound those problems with new problems (your health, the worry your friends and family go through and how it changes their relationship with you, etc).
Sure, I'm miserable now, but if I was sober I'd be more aware of how
miserable I am, and life would be a little emptier. People have to
have a release valve, you say I should never take any drugs
recreationally again, yet you know I am a troubled emotionally
arrested [redacted] confined to his house 95% of the time with all these
avoidance and anxiety issues. What else am I supposed to do? I've
looked at a lot of options. I'm too comfortable where I'm at. I need
to make small changes to really influence my life.
Find less harmful outlet... get a hobby or twelve. There's a reason why I keep myself busy all the time. When I get bored, agitated, etc I start needing an escape. I want to take a vicodin and get a buzz, I want to drink alcohol and get fucked up even though I know depressed me + alcohol is bad, I start thinking about various ways of killing myself, etc. Or I can fire up QuakeLive (forgot that in my list of games I'm playing) and go frag some people for a couple hours.

afford. I don't know, I need a cardiac exam. I don't know about doing
this part, though, because even mentioning the DXM abuse, I'm
reluctant to do that.... I don't know.....
When you tell them about your DXM use, just tell them that it is in your past and you stopped using a while ago. You still get occasional heart pain and arrhythmia and are concerned about it.
Yeah. getting help is the problem, deciding what help is the best for
me.... I have to want to quit. That's what it comes down to..
If you aren't going to quit, all the help in the world won't save you.


-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=

That letter above was a friend's reply to me. Not sure how to take his advice. I've always felt you shouldn't ever tell a medical professional that you abused drugs, in any form, over-the-counter drugs or prescription drugs. I think he is being naive; he is not an addict, he does not take any drugs even though he has a healthy supply of them in his possession for his dad's chronic pain and he has been tempted in the past to take some but has not (I believe him due to other details, you'll have to take my word on this one).

He's thinking NA, get the chip, go for complete sobriety and I'm like, wait, hold on a minute here, no weed or nothing? But my main thing is the poppy pods, if I have the poppies I can get by without DXM, but I can't use the poppies, so I'm kinda fucked. I can't get by without nothing. I can't see facing life sober all the time, it's too hard. I am not a grown-up! I didn't sign up for this shit


EDIT: I just wanted to make it clear that I don't really have a dependence any more. Well, I'm dealing with the post-acute withdrawals from a chronic poppy pod habit, and it's sucking bad, but I'm not taking anything right now besides a few slips with poppy seeds.....

Anyway just wanted to say I'm kind of in the addiction spot and not the dependence spot. Thoroughly addicted, sure, but not in danger of withdrawals any more or anything like that. It's just not wanting to use DXM, and the poppies are a crutch to avoid using DXM.

Post Quality Evaluations:
Good follow up and will help others too

Last edited by tyrus568; 06-10-2009 at 20:36.
  #6  
Old 08-10-2009, 00:48
guntroll guntroll is offline
Account Awaiting Email Confirmation.
 
Join Date: 18-01-2009
Male from United States
Posts: 67
guntroll needs to post very carefully to avoid a ban by negative reputation.
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

Well Swiy's been off of it for 5 weeks. That's a good start.

Swim's been in out-patient. It sucked, he took the info with more salt then healthy. Few there took it serious, but he did learn two helpful things.

Playing the tape: It's not as working in my case except for alcohol. For Swiy, it's gold. He's already had heart problems for it, he needs to tell himself that if he does it, that he knows this can happen again.

Relapse is more likely the less one does: If someone has nothing but time to kill, it's very likely they will use again. If they don't have the time to do drugs then the problem is basically solved.
  #7  
Old 11-10-2009, 10:10
Smokey420 Smokey420 is offline
Silver Member
 
Join Date: 29-10-2007
34 y/o Male from USA - New York
Posts: 59
Smokey420 is learning how to become a psychonaut.
Points: 76, Level: 1 Points: 76, Level: 1 Points: 76, Level: 1
Activity: 0% Activity: 0% Activity: 0%
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

SWIM also has a problem with DXM, using on and off for the past 2 years, magic lost and re-gained, last using it...yesterday at a dose of 360mg. SWIM combines DXM with xanax all the time, and can walk straight on 400mgs+ unless combined w/ weed. SWIM uses xanax when sober to combat long-term dissociation,social anxiety, and loss of his normal "up-beat" personality. SWIM had stopped using for a whole 6 weeks, dreamed of relapses, and said to himself he'd stop for atleast 6 months to get rid of all long-term side effects. SWIM once stopped for 4 months straight after a 4 month all-out binge doing it over 60-70 times in that period,quitting because the last trip of that binge may have been the last time SWIM walked on earth,a daangerous combo of DXM and antihistamines sent SWIM heart rate to 180 for an hour with intense panic and anxiety.

All SWIM can say is keep a positive attitude, you WILL get through it, and thats awesome you could stop for 2 years straight! Don't go back to it, your exactly twice my age and I'm burnt out as fuck too.

If you want to get high, use illicit drugs, weed,mushrooms, maybe LSD once in a while, but DXM is not an option. i'vve never tried mushrooms or LSD, I would if I had access... opiates can be very addictive in place of DXM ive tried this and it can turn to everyday fast...avoid stimulants like cocaine,adderall,meth,shit like that since your heart is bad,that'd be worse than DXM itself.

It's hard, very hard for me to believe I did 6 weeks off it only to do it again, relapsing.....life will be much better once your off it and the long-term effects are completely gone.
  #8  
Old 11-10-2009, 11:51
guntroll guntroll is offline
Account Awaiting Email Confirmation.
 
Join Date: 18-01-2009
Male from United States
Posts: 67
guntroll needs to post very carefully to avoid a ban by negative reputation.
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

Nothing compares to DXM when it comes to the heart rate. Swim was arrested on Dex and alcohol and they were convinced that swim did a big dose of meth (they didn't know about the dex). He forget what it was, but it was fucking ridiculously high.

Still wouldn't be recomended unless for someone with heart issues although 15 mg of ritalin wouldn't be bad.

The thing is with acid, is that it's more euphoric then dex. It takes control of you in a way that dex can't. It doesn't have nearly the psychological dependance though. Which would normally be good, but afterward the trip is done you still crave DXM just as much as you did before. SWim did a low dose of acid recently and still wants DXM, though he has no intention of doing it.
  #9  
Old 12-10-2009, 03:27
The Dreamer The Dreamer is offline
Titanium Member
 
Join Date: 11-06-2008
29 y/o Male from United States
Posts: 161
Blog Entries: 3
The Dreamer is captain of the psychonauts.The Dreamer is captain of the psychonauts.
Points: 372, Level: 3 Points: 372, Level: 3 Points: 372, Level: 3
Activity: 0% Activity: 0% Activity: 0%
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

Wow. My friend has struggled with DXM. Not doing it makes him feel like there is just nothing in the world that matters and no chance for real happiness. But using it makes him go crazy and feels like he will have a heart attack. Life is scary and he will soon be a father; a gig he is not willing to mess up. He has been clean for quite some time now. I sincerely hope my friend can stay clean. Good luck.
  #10  
Old 13-10-2009, 23:25
tyrus568 tyrus568 is offline
Silver Member
 
Join Date: 29-04-2008
37 y/o Male from United States
Posts: 28
tyrus568 is on the way uptyrus568 is on the way uptyrus568 is on the way up
Points: 311, Level: 2 Points: 311, Level: 2 Points: 311, Level: 2
Activity: 0.1% Activity: 0.1% Activity: 0.1%
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

Thanks for all the support and everything. I hope things get a lot better for all of you, too, and everybody keeps fighting the good fight.

This might've been coincidence but I found this somewhere... from the journal of a friend that i found.

--------------------------

this is the most recent reply from my online friend I've grown close (friends) to. I'm the one being quoted...

[I relapsed today. 350mg dxm. It hardly affected me at all, very little response, and I only took it after a lot of self-hating and internal ambivalence and struggling... I had a dental infection all this last week that was really bad and I'd been taking vicodin this whole last week under prescription... but had run out yesterday]

I'M THE ONE IN QUOTES
Naturally, it's what I go through. I felt really bad before, during,
and afterwards... there's only brief respites where I don't feel like
shit/guilty.... and that was for about an hour right in the middle
(11am?). The rest of it is pointless and deprives me of even more
energy and will, it really sucks!!

It's not something I want to go through. I can't handle this much
longer. It's crazy how you keep expecting there to be a limit and
there isn't. I mean, like the feeling where you're so fatigued you
keep expecting to just fall over, but you don't, it just continues to
suck but you manage to survive. And that's the way it feels, shit, it
feels like I'm a mule in the tracers and the drivers keep expecting me
to die any day now but I haven't yet, just implacably going on, and
on.. it's fucking torture and it sucks.

I'm about ready to do something, I can't handle this. Maybe things
will calm down but I'm having my doubts..... the cravings are
terrible, all the fucking time. I want to order some poppy pods but
don't have any money. If I had some then I wouldn't be tempted to do
the fucking dxm. But... just, having nothing at all, is pretty
intolerable... I don't know what to do....
and the more you feed it, even with just the poppy seeds, the longer it will drag out. The more you give in, the more you will want more. Even now, you're hoarding money - for what purpose? To buy some more DXM or poppy pods once you get enough? Or failing that, to sneak some more seeds so nobody knows? I doubt you're going to "waste" it on ice cream or soup when you know your family will gladly buy it for you.

Things aren't going to calm down until you stop listening to and enabling your addiction. Even then, the addiction has a strong grip on you and it's going to take a long time before it isn't the first thing you want to turn to when the going gets tough. You HAVE to turn to your family and friends first... You have to find a way to put the addiction in the background instead of letting it take control.
of course you are the only one who knows I did DXM this
morning........... I just don't have much reserve (energy) left. I
can't keep fighting it when I don't have anything to fight with or
for.
I'm there all the time too... I just don't have the fight left in me anymore... it's what I've been doing my entire life, fighting everything in an attempt to just be normal. So, that's why I've withdrawn. It's easier for me to rot in my home office than it is to face the world. I'm not winning any more than you are, we're both hiding in our own way. That said, your activities are going to end up killing you.
I half-heartedly want to quit because I cannot live being sober. I
know what it's like. I feel like I'd have a hard time choosing between
being sober eternally and death. I mean, it should be an easy
answer... right... and I guess if I had to choose between death and
sobriety I would like to think I would choose to live.....

I can't separate the addiction from myself. When it's telling me to
feed it, if I don't feed it, I'm the one who suffers. So I can suffer
for a while, I can endure all of it for so long, but eventually I
can't suffer anymore, I have to do something. I get desperate. I can't
ignore it.

I'm just whining, even if I'm saying, kill me now or hook me to a
morphine drip, please...
You can beat the addiction, it's just trying to convince you that you can't. You're like the battered spouse, sick of being hurt by the one you love all the time but afraid of living on your own because the world is a scary place and "better the devil you know than the one you don't." If you don't quit, you WILL die, likely in the near future and whether nor not you care to be alive, the people around you do care. You might feel like shit and you might feel like nobody wants you and that you're just a drag on society, but to the people that care about you, you're part of what makes the sun shine for them. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for them. Ultimately, that's why I didn't kill myself during my suicidal phase. Not because I had nieces, they weren't born yet, but because I knew that my mom and dad's entire lives depended upon me.

----------------

So that was his advice to me - and he's given me lots more advice in the past couple of weeks. I CANNOT KEEP DOING DXM. I did 350mg today and I could barely tell I had done anything at all - and there were no heart incidents - but it is just soooo stupid to do it after I've had problems with it.... but living without that OR any kind of opiates is tearing me apart..

As I said, this is from the journal of a friend that i found and related here.

Last edited by Ilsa; 17-10-2009 at 07:42. Reason: self incrimination
  #11  
Old 16-10-2009, 05:03
guntroll guntroll is offline
Account Awaiting Email Confirmation.
 
Join Date: 18-01-2009
Male from United States
Posts: 67
guntroll needs to post very carefully to avoid a ban by negative reputation.
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

I'm not surprised he's doesn't feel 350mgs. DXM tolerance more so ups the threshold then anything. Last time Dickwizzle did 450mgs he didn't feel anything and got 300mg more so he could feel it, crappy trip. I wonder if he'd feel it now since he has been doing it much less.
  #12  
Old 17-10-2009, 00:49
tyrus568 tyrus568 is offline
Silver Member
 
Join Date: 29-04-2008
37 y/o Male from United States
Posts: 28
tyrus568 is on the way uptyrus568 is on the way uptyrus568 is on the way up
Points: 311, Level: 2 Points: 311, Level: 2 Points: 311, Level: 2
Activity: 0.1% Activity: 0.1% Activity: 0.1%
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

This is also from the journal of a friend that i found. I'm feeling depressed and anxious and thought it might help to post this.

-----------------


See, you were doing ok... then you got the vicodin last week and it's all
been downhill since then. 65 vicodin later, minus Adam's cut, and you're
What do I want? I want to escape this shitty existence.
There are two ways to escape it... one way leads to certain death, the other leads to something better but doesn't come with any guarantees other than the guarantee that you're going to have to do a lot of work to succeed at it. Nobody can make that choice but you. If you continue to flirt with the drugs, you ARE choosing the first route, not opting not to choose at all.
There's nothing I can say to you. This is an addict's great circle of
life. I have to have something, I keep telling you that, but you keep
insisting that I don't have to have it. If I didn't have to have it I
wouldn't fucking steal from the greatest person in the whole world, my
dad.
Because you don't HAVE to have it, your addiction has just convinced you that you do. Billions of people function every day without narcotics. Tens of millions of former users, even users that used a whole lot harder than you, are walking around without continuing to abuse. But, you will have to continue using until you decide that you want to live your life rather than wait for the addiction to kill you. Again, only you can make that choice.
Am I feeling depressed right now? Cravings? Am I wanting to kill
myself over it?

If this were just a dream then you could come get me and show me how
to do it, how to quit. I need someone to do it for me. I'm not going
the inpatient route, I don't have any money anyways. I feel like
nothing helps but I want some mothering, some babying, I need a
guardian to stand at the door for me... I can't do it myself, I can't
hurt myself to get out of this thing.
Most places do have low/no cost inpatient rehab. will it be a 5 star resort? No, but you're not there for creature comforts, you're there to kick your habit. I firmly believe you're capable of doing it, I think you can even do it without going the inpatient route, but it's not me that has to believe in you, it is you that has to believe in you.

And they aren't going to baby you in rehab, they're going to be strong and in your face, tough love type stuff. They aren't there to baby you, they're there to help you get the monkey off your back. They won't enable you.
Yeah, I'm in trouble. The DXM doesn't even get me high.... I would
have to do double what I have to be satisfied, right at the dose I've
had the heart incidents on. I'm scared of my heart condition. I can't
live life, I have to turn my back on it. I want to keep burrowing
deeper underground even if it is poisoning me.
Apparently, you aren't scared enough or you wouldn't even be flirting with the DXM...
I want to get close to you because then you'll take care of me. I
don't want you to be mad at me.
I'll be frank, I can't take care of anyone, I've got my hands full already between having to take care of my dad, two nieces, mom and sister (note, I didn't say anything about myself since I don't take care of myself either. It's part of my self-hate relationship with the AvPD and [redacted] stuff.)

That said, I'm here to listen when you need someone to, provide guidance for you, to try to be a friend, to hopefully give you some type of strength and to be blunt and honest because I think you need that more than anything. For as much as you keep screwing up, for as often as you ignore what I say, I know some of it is sinking in... once it does, hopefully, you'll have the internal drive to help yourself.
I want to be a good person. I don't want to hurt anybody or be hurt.
I'm willing to let the world spin on by itself without me, I'm just
too scared to take any action to hurt myself. I'm not isolated or
batshit enough to kill myself. I do want to be around, I just hate
hate hate going through all this shit.
Whether you kill yourself with a syringe full of bleach, a 12 gauge to the mouth or a bottle of DXM, you're still killing yourself... and the DXM is probably the hardest and most painful way of doing it.

And regardless, your death will hurt the people who care about you... Your mom, dad, brother, local friends and even me...

==============

That was him above talking to me. I've had a horrible infection in my canine that has netted me lots and lots of pain but also lots of vicodin this past week. This has just made things harder for me.

Relapsed again (like three days after last time or something). Acquired another 350 mg DXM. It won't even make me feel anything... until later, when I'll be all depressed and wanting to shut this machine down again...

He talks about rehab, but really, I'm not dependent on anything. I'm just in paws and have all the cravings and can't get myself out of this rut of doing nothing and being too demotivated to care. I'm feeling really crummy. Is that a kid's word? Since I'm in a state of emotionally arrested development, I tend to think, want, act like a kid. I just want to be taken care of and for someone to come fix my stupid head.

As I said, this is from the journal of a friend that i found and related here for advice.

Last edited by Ilsa; 17-10-2009 at 07:41. Reason: self incrimination, self-harm threats
  #13  
Old 17-10-2009, 07:37
Ilsa Ilsa is offline
Platinum Member & Advisor
 
Join Date: 18-10-2008
Female from USA - Tennessee
Posts: 1,155
Blog Entries: 5
Ilsa must think in IUPACIlsa must think in IUPACIlsa must think in IUPACIlsa must think in IUPACIlsa must think in IUPACIlsa must think in IUPACIlsa must think in IUPACIlsa must think in IUPACIlsa must think in IUPACIlsa must think in IUPACIlsa must think in IUPAC
Points: 4,008, Level: 9 Points: 4,008, Level: 9 Points: 4,008, Level: 9
Activity: 0.1% Activity: 0.1% Activity: 0.1%
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

please note that this is an educational harm reduction and recovery oriented site, not a mental health network. we lack the background and qualifications to help someone who is suicidal or thinking of self-harm.

This thread explains further and lists other places that offer such help.

http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/sho...hlight=suicide


best of wishes, and nto to be mean or harsh, but to direct you to a resource that is more appropriate.

Post Quality Evaluations:
For pointing a member to some places for help.
  #14  
Old 17-10-2009, 09:36
MrG MrG is offline
GHB
Moderator
 
Join Date: 22-10-2006
43 y/o Male from Earth
Posts: 3,503
Blog Entries: 3
MrG is a true resource and beyond reputeMrG is a true resource and beyond reputeMrG is a true resource and beyond reputeMrG is a true resource and beyond reputeMrG is a true resource and beyond reputeMrG is a true resource and beyond reputeMrG is a true resource and beyond reputeMrG is a true resource and beyond reputeMrG is a true resource and beyond reputeMrG is a true resource and beyond reputeMrG is a true resource and beyond repute
Points: 9,225, Level: 14 Points: 9,225, Level: 14 Points: 9,225, Level: 14
Activity: 6.1% Activity: 6.1% Activity: 6.1%
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

I would like to add that the OP may be better off examining his environmental stress and origin of his psychological malaise. Heavy DXM use is simply drug abuse, plain and simple, and if he only focuses on problematic drug use as his sole issue it will not address the causal connection between a dysfunctional environment and failure to stop abusing his drug of choice.

Growing up in a strongly religious family is rarely a story of appropriate balance, nurture and support for the young mind. More likely it is one of inappropriate behaviour from trusted adults leading to betrayal of the child and toxic stress. Child abuse isn't always about violence or sexual abuse (although you'd be amazed at how many people are now talking about sexual abuse suffered during childhood that they are only now recovering memories of). The acceptable face of insanity (religion), instils in children from a very young age the false constructs of God, Satan, Angels, Heaven and Hell etc. In strongly religious families this is likely to be a point that is repeatedly used as a tool to instil fear of damnation in order to control a child. This heightened state of fear alone, in that the child can never escape it, is just as likely to cause a degree of toxic stress as actual physical or sexual abuse.

Sustained exposure to toxic stress is now known to actually physically impair the developing brain. Cortisol is a corticosteroid hormone or glucocorticoid produced by the adrenal cortex, that is part of the adrenal gland. It is usually referred to as the "stress hormone" as it is involved in response to stress and anxiety, controlled by CRH. It increases blood pressure and blood sugar, and reduces immune responses.In normal release, cortisol has widespread actions which help restore homeostasis after stress. But in a situation of repeated or constant stress, this cortisol strongly, and negatively, affects numerous aspects of brain and body physiology.

Wikipedia has an excellent article on it, I suggest you read through.

Moving from physiological to psychological factors, you may benefit also from reading up on a condition known as C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). It encompasses a wide range of personality disorders and is now recognised as being the result of a child being raised in a dysfunctional environment, particularly due to the sustained stress and inability to escape the situation.

So, while I agree that this is not a mental health forum and we are not in a position to offer any professional advice, I would at least feel that it is worth highlighting certain aspects of stress related physiology and psychology. After all, I bet my left nut that the reason many people are even on this forum is related to drug use as a result of causative factors from childhood, even though most of them may not know it yet.

Post Quality Evaluations:
Very interesting info on stress and development.
  #15  
Old 22-10-2009, 18:40
Electrolingus Electrolingus is offline
Drug Chemistry & Kratom
 
Join Date: 05-03-2009
Male from Papua New Guinea
Posts: 547
Electrolingus really knows their shit.Electrolingus really knows their shit.Electrolingus really knows their shit.Electrolingus really knows their shit.Electrolingus really knows their shit.Electrolingus really knows their shit.Electrolingus really knows their shit.Electrolingus really knows their shit.Electrolingus really knows their shit.Electrolingus really knows their shit.
Points: 3,088, Level: 8 Points: 3,088, Level: 8 Points: 3,088, Level: 8
Activity: 0% Activity: 0% Activity: 0%
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

This is in response to this thread as well as SWIYs post in the What to expect when starting methadone MT thread...
http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/sho...9&postcount=12

In a nut shell, SWIY is caught in a never ending search to fill a hole with what ever is available. Methadone will not solve this problem. It may fill the void (the symptom) for a short period of time, but it won't fix the problem (the cause). Most Methadone clinics will only accept those who test positive for opiates or opioids and have a history of chronic relapse. Until the underlying cause is addressed, the search will continue. Sorry to be so blunt.

Due to SWIYs prolonged use of Coricidin, it is possible that the Chlorpheniramine has caused a cardiac abnormality, and in turn, is causing the fainting spells. It is important to medically address any symptoms of this nature open and honestly. Many hospitals will write of treatment expenses for both physical and mental health issues for those who can not afford it.

Post Quality Evaluations:
Good advice and knowledge
excellent advice that one hopes the OP can take away & use
awesome advice as always. Clear, concise and informative.
  #16  
Old 27-11-2009, 04:40
tyrus568 tyrus568 is offline
Silver Member
 
Join Date: 29-04-2008
37 y/o Male from United States
Posts: 28
tyrus568 is on the way uptyrus568 is on the way uptyrus568 is on the way up
Points: 311, Level: 2 Points: 311, Level: 2 Points: 311, Level: 2
Activity: 0.1% Activity: 0.1% Activity: 0.1%
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

Well, SWIM's DXM abuse problems continue.

SWIM has continued using to relieve the feelings of drowning and starvation, typically every 2-3 days. Many times SWIM does not get relief from his 350mg usual dose, like, any relief. SWIM has been hesitant to do much more than that because of a few weird heart episodes that almost seemed like heart attacks.

SWIM finally got some financial aid from his county and saw a doctor, who administered an EKG and found nothing abnormal, then set him an appointment for a deep heart echo scan for early next year.

SWIM's new doctor also set SWIM up for an appointment with a (non-addiction) psychiatrist and a (non-addiction) behavioral therapist, both for January... so SWIM has all of December to look forward to.

SWIM's new doctor also set him up for an appointment with a social worker, whom SWIM met. The social worker was nice and recommended calling a certain addiction therapist. SWIM called this therapist only to be told she was not taking new patients at the moment and who recommended a detox center that is about an hour's drive away.

SWIM is hesitant about the detox thing, as he knows a 5-day detox will do nothing for him; he has managed to suffer through eight days on his own earlier this month, and was still suffering from the same effects (feeling like he is dying). So he is not sure what they would do with him; also, the detox center is the only state-financial-assisted center in the region and is in a dangerous area of town.

SWIM is now three days without DXM and has been suffering a lot (by the minute). He doesn't know what to do. He has agreed with his parents (who he lives with) that he isnt allowed to leave the house on his own anymore. SWIM is climbing the walls and has no way to relieve himself of his agony. His coping skills aren't working (the only ones he knows - stay busy, tell himself the cravings will pass - but they don't pass, they are ever-present).

SWIM has been going to NA (narcotics anonymous) for the last two weeks and has been five times so far. He has hated it, but it has temporarily (~hour) helped him, even though it stresses him out a lot to be around so many people.

SWIM wishes he knew how long this was going to last; at his best guess he is thinking 12-20 days for the worst effects, but he doesn't know.

So he thanks everybody for their advice. Environmental effects are a concern; he doesn't have a lot to fill his time with, and he is well aware that the worst thing an addict can have is too much time, but his apathy and fatigue and inability to force himself to do anything has constricted his opportunities greatly. He is unable to distract himself.

So, ya, SWIM has been having a really hard time and can't believe that he is only psychologically dependent on dextromethorphan, but must believe it, because he is well aware of the two weeks he spent kicking his 2 year opiate habit in July of this year, and the suffering was pretty enormous. Yet, he says this feels like that, but only the 'jumping out of your skin' and 'wanting to break windows and smash chairs' feeling of turning into a wild animal. When the cravings become so critical that he can feel it as a physical thing in his head, can analyze the texture of the pain/suffering, and feels like he is starving and will drop dead any moment.

Oh, well. He's sure others here will scoff and tell him to do it by willpower alone. It's what everyone around him (all non-addicts) tell him to do. But NA and pure willpower don't seem to be really helping...
  #17  
Old 27-11-2009, 05:33
Kamuix Kamuix is offline
Newbie
 
Join Date: 09-09-2008
25 y/o Male from Canada
Posts: 287
Kamuix should urgently read the rules & received reputation comments.
Points: 379, Level: 3 Points: 379, Level: 3 Points: 379, Level: 3
Activity: 0% Activity: 0% Activity: 0%
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

Swim also has grown up with AVP. he was a very socially awkward person especially through school and still is however he's gotten much better. taking a close look at the problems with someone with AVP allowed him to kind of.. figure out what he really needs to do and fix.

All through high school I was considering himself inferior to everyone.. I could never understand how people could socialize so well. I would watch every move to make sure no one judges me and was affriad to say almost anything in fear of being judged. but because I was so nervous when he tried to talk he would freeze up and end up sounding like a retard, assumed to have gotten the worst possible judgement and over and over imidiately lost all self esteem.. This was my life all through highschool. I had little amount of friends and was only confortable talking to people VERY close to me. Like my house family and childhood friends.. that's it! everyone else.. I would get nervous around and try to act a cirtain way, and fuck it up. So i was never really myself because i was trying to act a cirtain way.

Is this simular to how you felt? I'm still half like this.. When in public i always look to see who's around.. I fear judgement from anyone from ages.. like 13 - 25(i'm 21) Uhg and when i look at a young person and theyre looking back at me.. Aug i hate that. This whole nervous thing was one of swims best excuses to use DXM in public.

But this is about you not me. i just thought i'd share a short AVP story since i rarely talk to other AVPs. Swim wishes you the best!
  #18  
Old 27-11-2009, 05:50
tyrus568 tyrus568 is offline
Silver Member
 
Join Date: 29-04-2008
37 y/o Male from United States
Posts: 28
tyrus568 is on the way uptyrus568 is on the way uptyrus568 is on the way up
Points: 311, Level: 2 Points: 311, Level: 2 Points: 311, Level: 2
Activity: 0.1% Activity: 0.1% Activity: 0.1%
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

This is slightly off-topic, I know, but I tried to send you a PM, Kamuix, and it said you weren't accepting private messages, or weren't allowed them. So I guess I will post the reply here.

(the below was narrated to me by my pet frog.)
--------

Hey. I saw your post.

It's pretty similar for me, I suppose. Growing up I always felt socially outcast and avoided anything I didn't absolutely have to do.

Talking with people, they usually cannot tell that I'm avoidant and anxious. I tend to have a good outside persona, but inside it is very stressful for me and I avoid talking to people at all costs... so I guess it is different for me and you.

Even if my friend, who I've known for almost 20 years now, comes over, I get anxious and need something to self-medicate to relieve myself.

I suffer from some other problems like social anxiety, depression, and I'm obsessive/compulsive. I'm sure I probably missed something :P

The DXM thing... well... I have to say I felt like it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. It was a great escape from myself. But where I'm at now.... damn. I suffer all the time from the cravings, and boy are they more than just 'cravings.' I don't know how to get out of the mess I'm in right now, but I've been making big steps.

If you read my tale, you probably know that I'm basically a loser :P A lot of it is the avoidance and the social anxiety. I don't make friends, I don't go out, I don't have any money, I live with my parents. I'm on the computer all the time.

Still, I'm making some big steps... going to see a doctor, trying to make my addiction known. Because for me, it's definitely an addiction... and I want to use forever, for the rest of my life, and I can't.

I also feel like my development has been arrested and I stopped growing in a lot of ways since I was a teenager. Being avoidant and always using DXM and being by myself has meant that I haven't been exposed to lots of new experiences... sure, some, but I've definitely missed out on a lot of stuff.

Where I'm at right now, I know I have to stop using for a while (every 2-3 days for 15 years has kicked my ass), but I can't see myself just stopping 'forever.' I can just tell myself, you know, I'll take a break for a bit. But living without drugs? man, that seems like the ultimate hell.

tyrus
  #19  
Old 27-11-2009, 16:59
kailey_elise Gold member kailey_elise is offline
Gold Member
 
Join Date: 03-11-2004
Female from USA - Massachusetts
Posts: 4,128
Blog Entries: 6
kailey_elise is a true resource and beyond reputekailey_elise is a true resource and beyond reputekailey_elise is a true resource and beyond reputekailey_elise is a true resource and beyond reputekailey_elise is a true resource and beyond reputekailey_elise is a true resource and beyond reputekailey_elise is a true resource and beyond reputekailey_elise is a true resource and beyond reputekailey_elise is a true resource and beyond reputekailey_elise is a true resource and beyond reputekailey_elise is a true resource and beyond repute
Points: 11,132, Level: 15 Points: 11,132, Level: 15 Points: 11,132, Level: 15
Activity: 0.1% Activity: 0.1% Activity: 0.1%
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

A detox center could be good; it can be easier to deal with cravings when there is absolutely no way to get one's Drug Of Choice (DOC on the forum, not Department of Corrections! *snicker*).

Detox facilities usually have groups to keep the patient busy, and these groups talk about how to handle the difficulties in ones head when trying to stay away from substances - cravings, how to occupy your time, how to help get out of your head, saying no when you wanna say yes, things like that.

Don't write off an in-patient detox just because you were able to white-knuckle it (force yourself to stay sober at any cost) on your own in the past. The counseling and intensive groups (not that the groups are necessarily intense, but having 3-7 of them a day is intense) can be helpful for many people.

If one is not working at the moment, it's often an easy transition from an in-patient program to an out-patient program, which would be groups for X hours a day to help ease the transition as well as give one more coping skills & strategies. Most programs I've heard of are 4 hours if a day program & 3 hours if an evening program (which many can attend even if working), and vary in size from a very cozy 2 clients & 1 clinician to an obnoxious 15 clients & 1 clinician - one can ask around to see what the programs are like in their area.

You can also get a referral to an out-patient program from a therapist.

It also sounds like the person who wrote that notebook might benefit more from a dual-diagnosis unit if possible, rather than a straight detox. They should ask the social worker about this.

Good luck

~Kailey
  #20  
Old 01-12-2009, 06:15
Kamuix Kamuix is offline
Newbie
 
Join Date: 09-09-2008
25 y/o Male from Canada
Posts: 287
Kamuix should urgently read the rules & received reputation comments.
Points: 379, Level: 3 Points: 379, Level: 3 Points: 379, Level: 3
Activity: 0% Activity: 0% Activity: 0%
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

Whoops *turns pms back on*

Yea DXM does feel really good for those with anxiety. How long has swiy been without dxm now? is DXm the only drug he uses?

Swim uses dxm still now and then. but quitting IS hard. especially when he's.... floating way!
  #21  
Old 15-09-2011, 22:51
Seraph Seraph is offline
Silver Member
 
Join Date: 11-08-2011
Male from United Kingdom
Posts: 108
Seraph is an unknown quantity at this point
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

Quote:
Originally Posted by EyesOfTheWorld View Post
This indicates that DXM is not all that addictive, at least physically. Mentally may be another story. It's not fully known if DXM is physically addictive. It may bind to opiate receptors and cause an issue in that way. A good way to test if this has happened to SWIY is to take a smallish dose of a reliable opiate, enough to get a non-tolerant person high, but wouldn't really effect an addict. Poppy seeds are far too variable for this, SWIM would use about 20 milligrams of oxycodone, orally, or 25 milligrams of hydrocodone, also orally. Before anyone jumps on SWIM for this advice, he is not encouraging the OP to develop a new habit, merely suggesting that opiates are a valuable tool in determining whether DXM has any physical hold on a person, and they are.
DXM does not create addiction by affecting the my opioid receptors, it creates addiction by being an NMDA antagonist, in the same way that someone can be addicted to ketamine. DXM physical withdrawals are possible and they are not like opiate withdrawals, I have experienced both opiate withdrawals and DXM withdrawals and they are not the same. Opiate withdrawals are worse but DXM withdrawals are more distressing. When I was withdrawing from DXM I got extreme muscle spasms in my legs that only went away when I took more DXM. On Erowid there is a report of someone who quit constant very-high-dose DXM use and in a big room full of people he shouted 'I HATE MY F**KING LIFE' and he cut himself or something, I don't have the link but I remember reading it but if you want to find reports on DXM withdrawal just look on Erowid.
  #22  
Old 27-09-2011, 03:45
PsychedelicSoul PsychedelicSoul is offline
Account Awaiting Email Confirmation.
 
Join Date: 10-06-2011
28 y/o Male from United States
Posts: 74
PsychedelicSoul should urgently read the rules & received reputation comments.
Points: 87, Level: 1 Points: 87, Level: 1 Points: 87, Level: 1
Activity: 0% Activity: 0% Activity: 0%
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

It's amazing how relatable dxm users are to one another, Swim's life with dxm is very similar as well as certain emotional and mental aspects, swim believes dxm addiction has nothing to do with the body or mind being depended on it but the feeling of the drug and state of mind is unlike any other that when one comes back to reality it is well hard to come back to reality of reality, when you can live in a euphoric dream world where everything is like----////
  #23  
Old 09-10-2011, 08:40
tiramisu4you tiramisu4you is offline
Account Awaiting Email Confirmation.
 
Join Date: 20-11-2008
30 y/o Male from Japan
Posts: 33
tiramisu4you is learning how to become a psychonaut.
Points: 58, Level: 1 Points: 58, Level: 1 Points: 58, Level: 1
Activity: 0.6% Activity: 0.6% Activity: 0.6%
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

Quote:
Originally Posted by tyrus568 View Post
I'm committed to not using DXM for as long as I can. I'm interested in possibly getting more support and help for my opiates problem, but I'm not sure what to do about that yet.
My talking chess board had a DXM habit throughout the university years that tapered off in his final year and after graduation to only a couple times a year. This was because after about three years of chronic DXM use (350 - 725 mg always hit the spot), chess board eventually lost the magic (i.e. stopped reaping the positive effects on mind and spirit, the DXM virtual space where everything is possible, etc.) and would always have a disgustingly bad trip (e.g. paranoid that papa chess board would come into the room and decapitate him, afraid that he was raped when a baby, nightmare revelations that he and his girlfriend and everybody in his social circle is actually transsexual but an invisible transsexual social bubble or net has protected them from the cruel outside world all these years, etc.) Chess board stopped DXM cold turkey last year when he humiliated himself by sending emails to family members to confirm that he wasn't raped as a baby. Wow. Checkmate.

Chess board had an on-off opiate problem (access to ridiculously cheap over-the-counter pure dihydro-codeine) for about three years until this summer. In July, he had his first real 4-aco-dmt trip (~25mgs). It was complete therapy for Chess board and he hasn't been compelled to return to opiates since.

Chess board believes a strong dose of a mind-expanding purer psychedelic/tryptamine/phenethylamine may do wonders for your opiate issue, or rather, your spirit issue.

Oh, and you have great taste in videogames. Chess board bought Final Fantasy Tactics when Chess board was 17 years old cause Chess board was like "it's Final Fantasy. I liked Final Fantasy on SNES"... and lo and behold, it was a masterpiece in all the ways he never expected it to be.

Diablo 2 and Final Fantasy IX, also premium games.

Chess board look forward to finally getting into the Disgaea series soon.

Last edited by tiramisu4you; 09-10-2011 at 08:58.
  #24  
Old 04-11-2011, 18:53
StevenJones666 StevenJones666 is offline
Newbie
 
Join Date: 04-11-2011
23 y/o Male from United States
Posts: 1
StevenJones666 is an unknown quantity at this point
Points: 37, Level: 1 Points: 37, Level: 1 Points: 37, Level: 1
Activity: 0% Activity: 0% Activity: 0%
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

Tyrus568, I read your story and the beginning describes me almost perfectly. I too started DXM when I was 17. I have been sober from DXM for 1 year and a month, but only a month on my own because for a year I was in prison. I only did DXM for 2 years but during those 2 years I managed to get 6 shoplifting tickets, I lost 3 girlfriends, I had to go to the hospital 3 times, I went to treatment twice, and I was on probation the entire time. I am 20 years old. For those 2 years, literally, I was only sober 60 days and that's because I was in treatment. I was taking around 1,500 mgs on a daily basis. It was nice to find this story because I thought I was to only person who had a big problem with DXM. I'm done with DXM now but I do miss the fun times I used to have. Well I wish you the best and if you wish to reply to this you will get an answer from me.
  #25  
Old 09-08-2012, 21:32
Dissociation Dissociation is offline
Newbie
 
Join Date: 30-09-2008
25 y/o Male from United States
Posts: 22
Dissociation should review received reputation comments.
Points: 6, Level: 1 Points: 6, Level: 1 Points: 6, Level: 1
Activity: 0.6% Activity: 0.6% Activity: 0.6%
Re: My tale of fifteen years of DXM abuse... ...and looking for advice like everyone

swikm did dxm from 16 to 20 almost everyday. swim at 21 did dxm and alcnhol almsot everyday at work.

Share this on:

Tags
addict, addicted, addiction, addictions, alcohol, antibiotic, antibiotics, antidepressant, antidepressants, antihistamin, antihistamine, antihistamines, anxiety, arrhythmia, blood pressure, cocaine, codeine, cold turkey, coricidin, cortisol, cough syrup, cravings, dealing, dependence, detox, diablo, drug, drug abuse, drug addiction, drug use, drugs, drugs forum, dxm, dxm addiction, euphoria, experience report, fantasy, heart attack, help addiction, histamine, histamines, journal, marijuana, methadone, morphine, opiate, opiate withdrawal, opiate withdrawals, opium, painkiller, painkillers, pods, poppies, poppy, poppy pod, poppy pods, poppy seed, poppy seeds, recovery, rehab, relapse, robotussin, rolling papers, sober, sobriety, social anxiety, tripping, vicodin, video gaming on drugs, wellbutrin, withdrawals

Thread Tools



Sitelinks: Information:

All times are GMT +1. The time now is 03:34.


Copyright: SIN Foundation 2003 - 2014, All rights reserved