Maintenance - Quality of life - risks (long)

[Creeping Death]

(my mistake, maybe it should be in opiate-addiction?)

Hi all. SWIM wants advice from you lot who have experience with narcotics.. either with personal use or being close friend to someone who uses... The point of this thread is to learn about controlled use. Am i in danger? Can the hero slay the dragon, and also escape the grip of the loving princess. Or is it impossible..

About me
SWIMs drug of choice is Subutex. He has been on and off it for the last year - though he started dating her on occasion about half a year before the honeymoon - when SWIM was 19 years old. He has tried other opiates as well, meeting for the first time at the age of 14. Our hero met with IV Morphine and Tramadol when he had major surgery, and has had a romantic drawing to Opium ever since - but even long before ever meeting opium, from movies and books. He has had a romance with opiates as long as he can remember, really! Even as a young child before even smoking his first joint.
SWIM used to fantasize about her constantly, but our heroes infinite wisdom made him scared of being addicted, and he didn’t give in to his curiosity.

The chase, and cutting to it
SWIM was the world mightiest and wisest hero, but he had been very troubled his whole life. And so when being forced into another big fight with an old familiar severe illness, SWIM made a conscious decision that it was okay to be addicted. For his survival he decided that its better to be addicted and pain-and-misery-free - he can always deal with the messy divorce later. It is the easiest answer to his troubles, since he's already been there and swore to kill himself before returning.

His Subutex stuck with him through all the rough times and kept him warm – never once did it judge or disappoint SWIM, and never was it out of his reach. Our hero - seeing that he had successfully foiled Gods latest attempt on his life – finally acknowledged that he had to leave Subutex again. It had no place in a fulfilling life. It was hard to leave her and it took a long time, but he finally won! He was away from Subutex for six weeks. He missed the sweet kiss of the princess very much, but he felt that he didn’t need Subutex to live at all. He wasn’t addicted to her, and he could leave whenever he wanted.

And after the six weeks of separation SWIM wanted to see his princess once more. He could see her on the weekends, after all. He didnt have to be addicted to her - that was just not true. The princess isnt so bad as everyone says, she is just misunderstood.

Another kid who's too smart to get hooked
SWIM kept to his planned use, too! For a little while. Now SWIM has been with Subutex for three weeks, and is once again withdrawing (4 days without now). It just happened.. once the weekend has passed... what is one more day going to hurt? One more day isnt so bad... and another.. and another.

He’s stopping Subutex for now (again) and wants to detox fully. Hes confinent that he will be able to stop again. And then he will use Subutex again after he's detoxed, and stop again. SWIM doesn't feel that he is addicted for some reason! SWIM isn’t depressed. He’s not someone with unbearable emotional problems. He has lived his whole life without having to take opiates before - so whats different now? SWIM isnt sick anymore.

Still in the jungle
When he takes Subutex.. he wants to take it again. Its like an obsession/compulsion more than a physical urge. Maybe he's just got so used to snorting the last year? Its like he misses the preparing a line and inhaling the white powder-ritual. And the relaxation it leads too.
So he uses Subutex to fill the day - he can feel fine and be care free and relaxed in a good mood, it doesnt matter. Its the same, isn’t it? "Im going to chill at home today anyway, watch some movies, so what’s the harm in preparing a big line of Subutex this morning? Ill just be sober tomorrow instead its no problem".

I am so sure that i'm not the same person who was addicted before. I'm not medicating anything now.

He rationalizes this to himself. He has regret before using, and stops himself. And eventually he thinks “why am I so worried?” There’s nothing wrong with a little Sub, just take it already and stop worrying.

SWIM can live without Subutex, he’s sure - but why would he want to? Living without it seems pointless.. why deny myself such a casual pleasure? When it can increase the quality of my life I’d be a fool to be scared of such a thing.

So READER, if you've made it this far, what do you make of the hero of the story? Are you envying him, that he's "lucked out"? He has had the honeymoon with his opiate of choice, and still managed to break the rules. Having the cake and eating it?

Maybe SWIM is too stupid. He doesnt really talk to anyone about his Subutex use, he's lacking a second opinion. Maybe SWIM is just fooled by the Sub himself and doesn't realise it.

The princess has been so kind to the hero without asking much in return. Never causing any problems for him, other than the withdrawal itself. What is he to do?

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Interesting story of addiction.