New Here, Closing in on addict

[twztch]

SWIM said....

Hi all, new here, my name is Kyle and I'm 21 years old. This whole "talking about my problem" thing is kinda new, so I'm not to familiar with any generalities. im not the sort to tell my problems to people, and ive never told anyone anything im about to tell you guys before...im a strong person to everyone else. always there for anyone who needed me. a shoulder to cry on. a person to buy a couple beers and just relax with, give you some perspective or inspiration. say hey, someone out there has it worst than you, be happy with what you got. you have my respect and love and i will always be there for you. maybe i got to caught up in everyone else to take care of myself

Never really considered myself an addict. been drinking regularly since my sophmore year. I can control the drinking, I don't feel the urge to drink normally. Just something to do for the most part....however sometimes the urge arises and I cannot control myself. alchoholism runs in both my parents family, and i have quite a high tolerance, so its quite pricey to drink and get drunk. and when im drunk im not a person i like to be. loud, lusty, vulgar, yet funny, friendly, and cute so im told :/ which doesnt help. its hard to be sober when everyone you know smokes weed or drinks or does coke or pills. you feel like the fat kid at the pool party. yet i dont get drunk or high easily, unless i start spending some money....then it gets wild. i have a daughter, an ex, and girlfriend. i love my daughter with all my heart, and it hurts to be without my girlfriend (dont like sleeping alone )

I'm addicted to cocaine, cigarettes, and alcohol. Did about $100 tonight, since that was all I could afford. I could have gotten more, probley 2 or 3 8's, but im not THAT addicted...yet... i could see myself doing it soon if i dont slow down.

my ex knows about it, doesnt approve, but has been in my shoes before (not literally, but was a coke addict at a very young age) and my gf would dump my ass if she found out. her ex was a dealer and sold it sometimes, she never got along with him, but never knew anything else...I recently moved back in with my parents and they dont know. they know about me drinking alot, but they do to, and have stated they cant be hypocrites (much help there).

it all started with my ex. we were highschool sweethearts, then after we graduated i needed to be by myself, to experience college and understand what i needed to do with my life. a few months after that, one of my best friends was murdered in a hit and run, which led to the reunion with my ex. i had quite drinking and was sober for a couple months before that, but when he died i hit the bottle...hard. that led to some forgetful nights with her, which eventually led to her telling me she was pregnant.

i knew that was what i needed. i cleaned myself up, was sober from everything for almost two years, and then decided to ask the obvious, was the child mine...i always had a feeling she wasnt mine. yet from pregnancy to birth to infancy to toddler i stayed and raised that baby girl myself. the gf worked irradic hours, so it was me and my baby most of the day, she would even get up when i got home from work to see me ( i work 2nd from 3-11pm) and I was happy, we had a house, plenty of food and pleasures...however, as i knew from the beginning, she wasnt mine... finally, after many confrontations of me asking her, she told me she wasnt mine.

i left shortly after, and am still disgusted with her.. five months apart and she gets knocked up by someone she doesnt know, six years with me and nothing but lies.. im not hurt about her, but i miss my daugher

anyway. i met a sweet, gorgeous girl at work. one thing led to another and we started dating. she has a baby about 2 months older than mine. although she has a crazy ex, shes a sweet, "good" girl. she acts bad, but never really did anything with it (only been with one person, her babys father, like me) we found we were so alike yet so different. almost the same lifestyle, upbringing, and relationship problems. however, she is bi polar, manic depressant, a hypochondriac, and from what i see in her, possibly schizophrenic.

meaning im on my own most of the time. which led to my addiction. i drank alot, for along time, smoked cigs, dont really like weed, but hit it on occasion. all my friends drink smoke, and do drugs, mostly weed. however, my best friend from childhood turned me on to coke. but not without heed, he told me to never do it without him and never more than once every few months. he was addicted to it when he moved in with a friend for awhile, and was exposed to it daily (bosses at work did it and all his friends) and it was amazing quality stuff. he once said id never do coke that good again in my life. after 3 months i havent and he was right.

i have a good job and i can afford it. alot of it. although i have alot of debt, got myself into alot of trouble financially, two credit cards, two cars. traded in my sports car, got a brand new envoy, then got it repoed (not from coke, got laid off, couldnt afford the payment). found a very reliable dealer who had some premium stuff and havent been able to shake it since. at least once a week i blow at least $100 which i go through in a couple hours, which leads to another trip to another dealers house, which leads to more money, more coke, more good feelings, and ultimately more crashes...

Only been doing it for a few months. Don't have anyone else to talk or turn to, hence why I'm here.

Was in a band for a couple months, started coke around june, been doing it since. Went from once, to once a month to once a week, with that chain of events I figure it will only get worst.

i have extremely low self esteem, depression, paranoia.people tell me im a hard worker, im an amazing bass player, i can kill the girls, and make friends easy. i just dont see it in myself. i cannot visualize it, nor accept it. i see myself as nothing, i feel as though everyone is plotting against me, lying, deceiving....i remember i couldnt go do a show until i got my hundo down. snorted it off a toilet paper holder in some random bar. dont knwo the time date or bar. just remember being told what song to play. it was amazing. i could never play sober, i was drunk and smoked at practiced, and blew during shows. i never had the confidence and i still dont.

Hate the feeling of needing it. Get paid on Thurs, call my dealer, cash my check, get a 50 bag or so, then get another when I do all that. Sometimes twice or more a week. Sometimes its an uncontrollable urge. It's like I think about it, the feeling I get from it, The taste, smell and whatnot, then my heart starts racing. I get short tempered with my loved ones until I can get my hands on some when I'm in that state of mine. Stay up all night, work all day, and drink and party the next night

i cant do this. i know its bad, i realized that the first time i did it.

But it feels so GOOD! Like all the depression and bad things in my life dissapear and i can be happy, on top of the world, only for a while, and its almost like its worth it. but its not. i think of my daughter, my parents, my gf. like im letting them all down cause im not strong enough to even control myself, or help myself through situations.

I think I should have some control. Went a few weeks without even wanting it. Normally I would just think about it and want some, but recently I would think about it and be calm and secure in knowing I didn't need it. I wouldn't drink even, which is uncommon for me lol

anyway, dont know what else to write. if you want to know something just ask. ill pm my cell to talk to people, cause i think it will help, just ask.

feel alot better to get this all out, been kind of a secret to most of the people in my life.

peace and love

kyle

Reputation Comments on this post:

Thanks for sharing that, very honest, well done.

[BlueCoyote]

Same story with SWIM. I'll be posting his story briefly. Remember you're not alone, seriously