Journal - A warning to people about the reality of doctors created an addiction

[whitenoise]

Disclaimer this is a very long personal story SWIM wanted to share on this subject. SWIM knows that some people who will read this have faced problems so much worse it is unimaginable to SWIM. SWIM has also read that many people come to this site after being prescribed similar medication to the ones SWIM use to take and that they want to know more about it. It is not swims intention to undermine or make lite of the topic or of people who have faced far worse. Despite it all this topic is something important to SWIM and he thinks it is important for people to know that Docters can create addictions and that abusing medication can be fun at times but they have a power to change your life and should be used with caution.

SWIM is glad that after loosing close to two years of his life to a downward spiral of an addiction to Ambian and a wide assortment of benzos he has finely been able to leave that madness behind him. It all started when SWIM was in his freshman year of college and he was living alone and hours away from home for the first time. He had a history of problems with anxiety and bipolar. SWIM was on a fluctuating amount of Lithium, 32mg Concerta and 10mg of Ambian(for insomnia SWIM has had all of his known life), a day.

At first SWIM was loving it, working hard in class, meeting people, going to parties, tailgating the occasional football games and fun experiments with hallucinogens. SWIM had an amazing student job where SWIM would make workout plans for students with physical disability's and helped them use the recreation center to help build their core strength. SWIM also was paid to go on a 3 day White Water trip with the students he worked with(who had become some of his closest friends) and his coworkers, It remains one of SWIM's fondest memories.

At the same time SWIM started dating this girl who really got and enjoyed SWIM. She was an aspiring model and now after 3 years of work she is highly successful and supports herself in living in Chicago and going to school full time on the money she makes modeling. She was truly and extraordinary person to know.

SWIM was anxious and stressed about not knowing many people and the pressures of school but SWIM thinks that is freshman year for most people. More so those who move a distance away from home and the people they grew up with. SWIM started to slowly take more and more Ambian to get to sleep and running out earlier and earlier in the month. So SWIMS doctor decided that the stress and anxiety he was feeling could be cured high doses of Lithium mixed with Lamactial, 3mg of Klonopin daily and an increase of Ambian to at first 20mg then 30mg. SWIMS doctor was back home so when SWIM got his pills it was 180 10mg Ambian at a time.

Things really started to get out of control for SWIM after that. He started sleeping close to 14-17 hours a day and distancing himself from what was important. At the same time SWIM started regularly blacking out from the nightly abuse of Anbian pushing more people away including that amazing girl Swim talked about earlier. SWIM started to get more and more depressed as the weeks went on and he was headed to a bad place. SWIM had a nervous breakdown about what his life was becoming and decided that in his current state of mind something had to change. He couldn't live live anymore in this much pain. SWIM had a nervous breakdown and decided to dropped out of college and move home. SWIM was doing fine with school at the time and despite missing the last 3 weeks of the semester in all his classes and not taking the finals SWIM still only failed 2 out of the 5 of his classes.

It was soon afterwards that SWIMS doctor decided that the depression must be the because of the fact SWIM was a regular marijuana smoker. She decided that unless SWIM would pass drug tests for her and a test that tells if he had been drinking recently as that she would not proscribe the "good" drugs that were causing SWIM to hate himself and his life. SWIM has always had faith in the mental health professionals when he was younger and his family extended and nuclear are all highly involved in some form of the profession. So SWIM lowered the Ambian back to 10mg a night and tried it her way. Things became worse for swim after that. Her forced sobriety caused SWIM to be distant to his friends who were also in college. It was hard for him to find a social group of kids still in his home town who did not regularly indulge in drinking and smoking weed.

SWIM decided that he was not going to do that anymore and got of the Ambian and the extremely high doses of Lithium he was on. SWIM's life started to get better without thoes two substances. He started drinking to help sleep and still take to much Klonopin and was recovering from the addiction from Ambian and the effects of the break down. SWIM's life started to get better again at some times even great. SWIM moved to the town over with friends going to college at University in my new town and SWIM went back to school at the community college nearby. SWIM's new doctor started giving him Benzos again.

In SWIMS new house he became the life of the party over the summer but by the end of summer and the start of fall turned back to abusive use and spent a large part of that year destroying his life and the relations with people around him with alcohol abuse mixed and fueled with a growing dependency towards Benzos. SWIM found out that because he was prescribed to both Klonopin and Xanax, he rotated back and forth every month in an attempt to avoid dependency, he could get his daily supply of 3mg a day of both Xanax and Klonopin at the same time by having the pharmacy send refill request orders to the doctors when ever he ran out. The doctor had such a large patient load he never found out.

The glory of the summer and spring when SWIM first moved and was experimenting with all kinds of new chemicals at the many music festivals he found ways to work at and go to was long gone, and SWIM went back to his bad times for awhile. SWIM started to stop using the Benzos regularly after a hard and self destructive winter. SWIM started to be happy again. SWIM found ways to be happy in music and travel. SWIM learned more about Research Chemicals and SWIM went back to hallucinogens and compounds that enhanced his life not destroyed it. SWIM had stopped abusing the Benzos but still took them only as prescribed. SWIM started working music festivals again as well which is one of his favorite things.

One day very early in the summer SWIM passed out in his car and ran into a parked car. SWIM admitted to the police officer that he was not drinking and the only thing SWIM had ingested was his prescribed morning medication and that included 1mg Klonopin. SWIM knows how benzos effect him and he knows the 1mg Klonipin is not something that would cause SWIM to be completely out of it, drooling on his face, for the next 8 hours the way he was. SWIM blew negative but the officers still arrested him and charged him with a DUI.

That moment SWIM stopped all use of benzos and things have been so much better since. Months have passed and SWIM is still fighting that bullshit charge but now SWIM loves how his life is going for him. SWIM truly believes that the addictions doctors gave him and almost forced on him were the worst thing that has ever happens in his life. It is now SWIMS third year of school and he will be done with his associates after next semester and is ready to start living life.

Reputation Comments on this post:

	A useful cautionary tale about the dangers of benzos and Z drugs. Paragraphs are your friend!
	good, soul-baring post...thank you for sharing your story with others

[missparkles]

SWIM learned more about Research Chemicals and SWIM went back to hallucinogens and compounds that enhanced his life not destroyed it.

What other compounds was SWIY taking?
TIA.
Sparkles.

[whitenoise]

Originally Posted by missparkles

What other compounds was SWIY taking?
TIA.
Sparkles.

SWIM was talking about MDMA and its analogs when he was talking about compounds that "enhanced his life not destroyed it."

[missparkles]

I can totally empathise, Sparkles was given diazepam when she was 11, and that was her first addiction.
She graduated to alcohol, and by 14 she was mainlining heroin.
Now she looks back and she realises that the doctor who gave her that first dose of diazepam was irresponsible, it started a 30 year addiction for her, but she also has to admit that when she was old enough to quit (get some help for her problems) she still continued using.
It took her years to realise that cos the doctor prescribed her strong opiates, it was her choice to take them.
She spent years feeling like a victim, firstly of her abusive childhood, then she continued to blame anyone and everyone for her problems.
And as the OP has found, it can run away with you.
The fact that he ran his car into a tree shows how destructive and unpredictable drug use can be. After all, healthy non users don't end up with their vehicle wrapped around a tree trunk do they?
But to be honest I'm impressed that you were able to see that the solution to your problem, however and whoever started it, was in your own hands. Getting off all of those substances, and getting on with your life is an awesome achievement, and I think you're amazing for sticking with it, it must have been extremely difficult.
Well done.
Sparkles.