Abstinence - Disclosure, who do you tell and when?

[missparkles]

Disclosure, or "when do you tell someone that you're are in recovery."

For example, when you first get clean, you wanna shout it from the rooftops, tell everyone "look at me...I'm clean", you're so proud of what you've achieved.
But give it a few months, when you begin to live your life with all of the unaware, narrow minded people that make up society, everything changes.
When you first clean up, you wanna make new friends, want the new people in your life to like you, the fear of rejection is huge.
Your confidence is not exactly shit hot, you still feel a little awkward.
Then someone offers you a drink.
You have to think quickly, you can't drink, you'll relapse if you do. Help.
People have been known to take that drink, thinking one won't hurt, hoping it will make them more comfortable....wrong.
By the end of the evening they've been smashed, in the corner, and talking to a plant. They're too embarrassed to say "hey, I'm a recovering addict, I can't drink." The fear of being seen as not good enough, or judged is something that's difficult for a non addict to deal with. For someone in recovery, it's a huge dilemma.
So how can you deal with this situation?
Before hand have some excuses handy "I'm on antibiotics, I have a medical condition and I mustn't drink." are always handy.
You go to a friends home (they don't know you're an ex addict) and they start to roll a joint saying "you don't mind do you, I always skin up on Saturdays, I find it relaxing?"
In this case you tell them that you need to leave, be honest, if they don't understand, they're no friend. Perhaps you shouldn't be hanging with them anyway, think about it, close that door of "using" opportunity.
Relationships, if you say to much to quickly, they may reject you, if you leave it too long, they could accuse you of being deceptive.
Rejection is the feeling you'll be left with. How does an addict deal with rejection?
That's right...drugs.

But what about everyone else? Does it really matter? After all, that was then, before you met them, should it matter now?
Sparky was in a situation recently, she had a sleeveless t-shirt on, and someone asked her why her arms were so scarred. She felt they were looking at her arms and saying "God, your arms look awful, what the hell did you do to em?" She felt judged, and that made her uncomfortable, she felt bad.
So she lied.
She looked at them...smiled, and said "actually, I was in a bad car accident quite a few years ago."
That made her feel worse, now she'd lied and she felt guilty. That made her feel just like she did when she was using, almost like she was forced to deceive others to stay clean.
After all, she couldn't tell em they were tracks and self injury scars, that would have raised more questions.
So she thought about it, and rationalised it, realised that telling a lie kept her clean, so it was ok. But it's not always that easy, so many things come into the equation.

Of course, there are situations where disclosure is a must. If you have any communicable diseases, you must tell anyone treating you, a doctor, dentist or nurse. Working with food, you must inform your boss. Once you become an addict there are some jobs you won't be able to do, but who wants to be a pharmacist, when they're recovering from heroin addiction...sheer torture.

How have others dealt with disclosure, what problems have they found, how have they dealt with it. What about any legal implications? Are there any tips to minimise, or get round telling others?
TIA.
Sparky.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Excellent supportive thread starter, then again what else where we to expect from you?

[Harryblue]

I rarely drink alcohol, no particular reason, I just don't really like it.
When I explain that to people they just accept it, its really no big deal.

SWIM used to be a heroin addict, used to take pretty much any drugs he could get his hands on in fact. SWIM doesn't take them now because he don't really like the effects, although he's sometimes around people who do, when he gets offered a joint he just politely declines and carrys on talking like its no big deal, because it isn't.

When SWIM left rehab 10yrs ago the best piece of advice he was ever given was "don't tolerate idiots". He took it to mean don't tolerate anything you aren't comfortable with. In the early days he shared an apartment with someone who started secretly using again, the users aquaintances used to come around, SWIM realised what was going on and blanked them, they used to offer SWIM drugs but he declined and walked away, often to shouts of "who do you think you are, do you think you're better than us?"

In the end SWIM was alone, disliked by most of the people he knew in town because he wouldn't join in with the drink and drugs they were using. It wasn't nice.

But after a while SWIM noticed that other people started warming to him, wanting to spend time with him, the losers drifted away and he found the only people who wanted to hang with him were decent working people, people who weren't out to scam or trick, they just wanted to hang out and have fun. In fact now SWIM finds that people look up to him and once when he told someone about his past they flatly refused to believe him.

Now he finds its no big deal to turn down alcohol or drugs if he chooses to do so. Some times he'll have a beer with the guys, sometimes he doesn't, he values his fitness and people just assume he's into health and fitness instead of drink and drugs.

Confidence comes from being true to yourself and standing by it, no matter what the cost. If people shun you for not drinking or drugging then they are hardly people you want in your future.

SWIM doesn't understand disclosure, he wonders why people would want to disclose things. SWIM doesn't disclose that he was convicted for speeding and got 3 points on his license, or that he once had an illness he had to take medication for, or that he once accidentily ran over a cat. Its all in the past and he feels no guilt for it, he gave himself permission to get over it a long time ago. He long ago proved he's as good as the next man and so he acts just like the next man, goes to work, loves his family and gets on with his life. If someone disclosed to SWIM that she used to be a heroin addict he'd probably just answer "So? Are you using now, if not then why bother telling me what you used to do?"

Reputation Comments on this post:

Supportive and from a slightly different angle. Thankyou for the honesty too.

[salviablue]

I am proud for you both (missparkles and harryblue). It makes me feel proud for humanity and all those with personal successes, overcoming the perceptive insurmountable.

harryblue
SWIM doesn't understand disclosure, he wonders why people would want to disclose things.

Maybe because they feel it is important to share something which has great importance to them. Sometimes, it is felt as being deceptive when such dark chapters of our lives are kept secret or withheld, especially from those close to us, loved ones etc.

It should never be a big deal to turn down drugs etc, but in the real world there are a lot of people carrying twisted or mis- conceptions, closed minds. There should never be a problem with saying no, or indeed taking an informed choice in safely considered circumstances and saying yes.
But as missparkles said, self esteem/confidence is often quite brittle, especially after defeating such destructive odds and society in general can be rather cruel, even unintentionally.

I hope others can find solace in your posts here and take heart.

As to offering tips etc in disclosure and/or its avoidance, I can only really reiterate what has been said. Namely that it need not be a big deal to refuse the temptation. As to why one won't drink, "it simply does not agree with me" et al.
Although as sparkles has mentioned, I can imagine it being very difficult if say going out with friends and everyone is getting blottoed, to either just say no and not indulge, or thinking excuses to leave/not go out in the first place. Others can be very unsympathetic to someone whom constantly refuses social occasions, and it can seem very unkind, intentionally or not, to the recovered when trying to "reintergrate".

Although, the biggest problem I can see (through my misty limited vision) would be for reformed alcoholics, considering the almost socially required ritual of imbibing the vapourous fermented produce at the majority of occasions. I cannot atm suggest a "polite" way of getting through that social obstacle course, let me think on it some more (bit tired now on a long night shift after being awake from the early hours).

Legal implications, now there's a tricky one. For that I'd say leave it out (disclosure) unless its dangerously irresponsible not to. But that is just my opinion.

Take care and keep it up. Personal integrity (possibly not at the cost of others/loved ones) is probably the most important thing for those that may find them selves in these kind of predicaments, I would imagine.

[Harryblue]

Originally Posted by salviablue

Maybe because they feel it is important to share something which has great importance to them.

Thats an excellent point and one which I considered mentioning but left it out.

It might be very important to them to be able to refuse drugs/alcohol, but for the rest of mainstream society not getting completely smashed every day is just normal. So if you run up to the avarage bloke in the street and tell him you've managed to get through the whole day without making a complete mess of yourself he's likely to say "Yeah me too, what do you want, a cookie?"

Remember all a sober 'addict' has managed to do is what the rest of society does every day without even thinking about it, so why should they care or pat you on the back? Quite frankly I think most couldn't care less, and as its their world we have to fit in with them, not the other way round.

Thats why I personally think a lot of recovering addicts seek out other recovering addicts, for comfirmation and collusion. If you really need a pat on the back just for not taking drugs for a day then maybe you're further down the chain than you think and need to go back to treatment, or rethink your strategy.

I think common sense should prevail, if you need to disclose it for career reasons then integrity and following the law should be foremost, otherwise its personal choice...but don't expect everyone else to be as excited about your sobriety as you are.

*I've just learned a very difficult guitar piece, I'm tempted to run outside and tell everyone I meet, but the world doesn't revolve around me and I doubt they'd care.

Harryblue added 7 Minutes and 28 Seconds later...

* I also think there are 101 reasonable excuses not to accept drink or drugs without revealing your past.

My personal (and this is true) is "No thanks, I can't, I get drug tested a lot at work".

I refuse alcohol by saying I'm watching my weight.

Or I have to get up early.

Or I feel a bit rough and alcohol won't help.

Or "I've been drinking way too much recently so I'm going on the wagon for 6 months and concentrating on my fitness" - that will last you 6 months.

Or (for me), ok I'll just have the one, but I'm driving. (obviously thats only any good if you can drink socially and sensibly without it being a problem)

[salviablue]

Originally Posted by Harryblue

Remember all a sober 'addict' has managed to do is what the rest of society does every day without even thinking about it

Not really, unless they too are recovering from some sort of traumatic experience. More people than most realise aren't "sober" but addicts in the grip of some harming vice or other. So that "sober" addict is actually managing to do something everyday they stay sober, that "the rest of society" isn't/can't.

Quite frankly I think most couldn't care less

Very sad but too true.

and as its their world we have to fit in with them, not the other way round.

Again I think that is down to the perception of just who their world is. If most are in a vice (which I think, maybe not most, but enough to form a majority group) then its the same world, just with a different language.
If anything, shouting out about another day sober is telling others not in admission of a similar problem, or with no problem, that the sober addict isn't fucking "their" world up that day, and possibly the next, and hopefully ad infinitum. So there is a little rejoice, and in the shared affirmation of positive human spirit (shit I'm sounding all "hippy" now). Then again, they'd probably feel the same if that recovering addict died.

Don't forget, as you may have been yourself, those recovering will feel, at least at first, very vulnerable, especially as a lot of them will have been there in the first place and got hooked due to low self esteem etc.

*I've just learned a very difficult guitar piece, I'm tempted to run outside and tell everyone I meet

I have often done just that, and I don't care if they don't care, I got to share some joy and sense of acheivement, if I get funny looks, at least there is a little spread humour, if they catch some of my excitment, all the better. If they tell me to "fuck off I don't care", great, it makes me smile all the more and gives me a little more resolution. Different strokes.....and all that.

Thankyou for sharing some of the lines you have used and it truly has been interesting and informative to hear your points of view/experience.

You are quite correct, most people couldn't care less. They are too wrapped up in their own illusion/delusion of reality to consider any one/thing else that doesn't directly influence, affect or involve themselves.

Take care.

[Harryblue]

Originally Posted by salviablue

You are quite correct, most people couldn't care less. They are too wrapped up in their own illusion/delusion of reality to consider any one/thing else that doesn't directly influence, affect or involve themselves.

Take care.

I think thats a little unfair, the avarage person wouldn't get very far in life if they were totally egocentric.

My point really is why should the avarage person care that you have stayed sober all day? Of course in an ideal person centred existance we'd all love and respect each other and be concerned, but thats not reality.

I'm not sure I understand your point about the avarage person rejoicing that you aren't fucking up their day by being drunk or stoned. Should my neighbour rejoice that I haven't murdered him today, or does he just expect that as a given right?

Re. disclosure, reminded me of the first time I met my guitar playing friend, I was going to the bar and asked if he wanted a beer, he just answered matter of factly "no thanks, I'm a recovering alcoholic", my answer was simple "no problem, do you want a fruit juice then?".
I think alcoholism is much more acceptable to admit to than drug addiction though.

[Creeping Death]

Everybody.. as a rule - dont tell anybody ever. It causes problems to disclose something like that! SWIM would lose respect from aquaintences. SWIM would be risking many things, maybe the membership to my sportsclub. Maybe lose the respect of your workfriends or sports-coach, even lose your job! Just by saying something to the wrong person. Far from everybody can keep a secret! And they see no honor in doing so.

People dont even understand how somebody could be so idiotic to ever try any drug in the first place. That says everything that matters about them.

SWIM tells you this, SWIM dont care if the whole world knows that he's an addict, or recovering, or binging, whatever. SWIM dont think that its a weakness in his character, or that SWIM have anything to be ashamed of. We all live our own lives, dont we? Whoever tries to judge SWIM and his decisions based on their own life, wich has no relation to SWIMs, is making a mistake. Doing this only proves that you are stupid, and it says nothing about SWIMs character.

Everybody who is addicted should think about that! Why are you so guilty and ashamed of yourself? Because of everyone else?

I have news for you, most of the people you try to fit in with by denying yourself are NOT WORTH IT to begin with. Some of them are assholes and many of them will try to take advantage of you somehow.
---
What SWIM find practical is to try to estimate how they would react - because if they dont understand, and cant hope to understand, whats the point of telling them? You will just fall out with another aquaintence and not gain much (only your dignity but who needs it).

When you can accept yourself for who you are thats all that matters. SWIM knows that sometimes he will use drugs because its what he's learned! SWIM know he will have better and worse periods in life. He is only human like everybody. So SWIM will disclose to people he trusts. If he knows they are smart he has to give them a chance to show that they are a friend.

This can be disappointing sometimes. Its revealed what people are like under the skin and some of them are pretty damn ugly. But make a note that its their problem. Its not SWIMs mission to educate everybody about drugs, and amateur addiction psychology. When a person decides that SWIMs suddenly not good enough - they can fuck off! Thats beutiful. And it spells freedom and a happier life for SWIM.

edit:

Most of SWIMs childhood friends couldnt understand that he smoked pot (this is when SWIM were young). And they became better than SWIM somehow as they grew up. SWIMs best childhood friends are fine with it, although they worry and dont want him to ruin his life. And most of the friends he have now - some from when swim was a kid and some new - are not moral superheroes, so they have no reason to think SWIMs worse than them!

And SWIM thinks it has worked out okay!

/so much for SWIMs life story LOL. SWIM is on subutex and he is high and he could type all night without getting tired of it!

SWIM hopes you all use your best judgement when it comes to disclosure about drugs. And NEVER disclose it to someone who is a social authority (like a social worker or cop), no matter how nice they seem to be.

Reputation Comments on this post:

I liked the message, powerful.