Journal - Here she goes again (Withdrawals)....any thoughts for her?

[Sparrowbeans]

Aw... Cooki your words are very kind and encouraging....
I hope you are right, very right, about this being a testament to my friend's recovery. It's about damned time for it

So I'm already back here distracting myself, occupying myself...
Never really went away for long so whatever...but...
This shall be an embarrassment because I am talking so much.

But my friend is getting really agitated and curious things...are sort of occurring, I guess.
Bone pain. ALREADY. WTF?
Sorry...um....well, she has never had either the gastro intestinal distress or the bone pain this soon into the WDs.
The squirming is just getting worse and worse. Bone pain is in the thigh bones, knees, and each itty bitty finger. It skips lots of terrain. Muscle aches in the calves and lower back....but it's not so bad, certainly not much worse than what she gets while ON opiates, as for the muscle stuff.

But it's just weird, stuff seems to be coming on prematurely; normally it would be at least the end of the 3rd day or 4th...I guess it's not too far off....
Maybe she is just forgetting that this time she is dealing with opium and not a straight pharmaceutical, and the different substances are manifesting their different schedules for withdrawal symptoms....

It is 4:19 am. She remembers looking at the clock at 4:20 last night lol....
It's been another 24 hours...how cool is that....
She is thinking it's so cool that she hasn't slept yet that she should use medical aids now. She hates doing it because it seems that she is sensitive to side effects.
She has never enjoyed benzos and certainly not baclofen and already had clonidine earlier during the day (well, I guess it was 'technically' yesterday, so maybe more would be wise now)

Chills and sweats seem to have taken a short break, not nearly as disturbing or uncomfortable as usual, but it is probably still the clonidine and black cohosh.
Oh...Cooki, about the black cohosh, you should know that there is research out there finding people taking black cohosh in the long term or in higher doses than reccomended have experienced liver damage and problems. It is not a good idea to take it longer than 2 weeks at a time, probably not more than a couple times a year, to be on the safe side; and to be on an ever safer side, to have some good quality milk thistle extract with it. It's powers for protecting the liver have been comparable to renowned pharmaceuticals. I like that haha....something natural having a decent reputation lol


Ughhh it's like the pain is crawling up her back by the minute, invading more and more volume of her body....it's strange how some of the symptoms just seem to appear out of nowhere too. Like the bone pain she could probably mark the milliseconds from where it was not there at all and then boom...it was simply there, like a switch flipped. No warning, no subtle pain building up....there and strong and real.
Would love to know how the brain decides it is time for this or that to take hold during WDs. It would be fascinating....

It has only been minutes and the pain is crawling into her neck and the back of her skull feels so stiff...her jaw....oh wait, maybe chewing gum to ward off bad tastes for the last 12 hours did that hahaa....

Interesting tidbit: My friend's cat ignores her while she is in withdrawal. It's eerie....the cat can smell it coming before my friend even knows it almost...
The cat will crawl up on her bed and act like velcro, have to sit between her and the laptop or book or whatever, at night when she is feeling fine.
In withdrawal...the cat does not so much as even linger outside of her bedroom door asking to be let in.
The first theory was....the cat does not like being on the bed when my friend is squirming and twitching ever so much. However....the cat will not even enter the room or sleep on her own cushion or anything.
What a snob! Hahaha...
They must be able to smell the body chemistry, something in the sweat...hell, I know my friend can lol....
Cool stuff.....I wish I could ask her what her deal is. And of course then pass this info along to my friend. Maybe she will tell me in a dream....

Sparrowbeans added 863 Minutes and 28 Seconds later...

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So, I made a big pretty line because I want it to be clear that this post, which will probably be merged with the huge post above it once again, is a post being made 'the next day' as far as I'm concerned.
It's only been maybe 14 or 16 hours since I posted the above, (watch, it'll turn out to be something totally different lol) as far as I can tell....
But here is what my friend experienced last night:

She finally tried to sleep after a bit of repetitive goings online and reading/posting at a certain website or two.....
She took medications: clonidine, baclofen, clonazepam, toradol, pariet (to stop the toradol from ripping lining of stomach out), loperamide, like 6 of those super special mineral supplements for osteoporosis people (you are supposed to take that much don't worry), umm and she can't remember what else.

Normally the first three medicines mentioned above would have knocked her flat on her ass, and she would wake up after at least a few good hours of sleep.
She could not sleep. She played music, tried to space out, all that stuff. It was wonderful again, absolutely wonderful and soothing and AGAIN the RLS symptoms COMPLETELY stopped, (very cool huh) at least for a bit, like during and then for about an hour and a half after...
The after part had it's downside though. Her headphones died. They just freaking stopped working. They now make little hisses and pops and she gets a bit more sound if she fumbles around with the wire near the jack, but nothing stays, she can't even tape it into place. She has never been violent with these headphones, why must this happen now? She has other headphones but they are super old, huge clunky non-ear bud types, and she can't sleep with them on because they shove out of place with her head on the pillow, etc etc....
Is this an act of God? Shall we see how she can use her mind over matter without the music? Or is this karma?
It was okay for then, at that point she had had quite enough of the music and a lot of it seemed to be taking on different nature than the time before (what a silly brain) but now she will not have her music for tonight.

Anyway, she dozed for about 20 minutes (it was 8 am) could not sleep. Got out a bible and read it out loud imagining that evil spirits were beside her being absolutely tortured and going batshit and shriveling up from hearing it (yes she gets loopy when she's sleep deprived) and she found herself laughing with glee as she used her overactive sleep deprived imagination as such. Laughter, my friends, is so very good for endorphins!! (we all know this, I know lol)
She felt glowing after, though none of the aches or chills went away. But the anxiety and dread and negativity was all still kept at bay at this point.....
She stopped the anti-demon readings (lol) and tried to sleep when the discomfort of trying to stay still and hold a book got irritating. Slept another 20 minutes.
It was 10am. Still no sleep ALLLLL NIGHT.
She made wild and ambitious plans for waking up in 5 hours to get her act together and go to walmart for new headphones, (of course this never happened after all today, she felt to ill, and sleep was messed all over the place) and buzzed a little at the idea of pretending she could function, and getting out of the house as she drifted to sleep.
And woke up again. This is the 10am awakening I was speaking of, I hope I don't confuse you...
She woke up and the pain...well....it was giving her a visual, before she opened her eyes she was absolutely certain that there was this thick vein of lava going from her esophagus to her bowels. She was sure it was a flesh searing glowing orange. She found herself face down, fetal position-ish and imagining acting very savage as if that would expel some of the heat or something.....

Hips were throbbing, hands and face dripping with sweat, and the trunk of her body soaking through her clothes, she could feel her PJ bottoms sticking to her legs, all that usual fun.....

So...no sleep....
And stomach worse than ever.
No toilet trips just quite yet........
She imagined that perhaps she ought to eat to do something about the lava.
In a sleep deprived stupor she waddled down the stairs, dumped a can of cold minestrone soup into a big mixing bowl, grabbed a bagel, a jar of salsa (god knows why salsa....with a stomach like that), some rye bread....suddenly seeing food it was like a small beast was speaking to her "Eat this...eat that....eat EVVVVERRRRRYTHINGA BWAHAHAH"

She was eating the soup like a madman (woman, but madman explains it better somehow), shoving pieces of bread into her face. And then suddenly ...it proved all to exhausting so she left the stash of food on top of the vanity in her room, no will to bring it back down to the kitchen....
Took doses of all those medications again, as the lower doses she'd used a day or 2 days ago no longer worked for the level of symptoms, or helped her sleep....and she took twice the size of those doses. Still wouldn't do much for her. It's amazing how WDs will make your body so resistant to medications which would normally knock you on your ass...

It was 11am. But even then she only slept until 2pm. And then finally managed to sleep again from about 3 to 5pm.
Woke up to the song of lava in her belly, and had unfriendly bathroom experiences as can be expected, bone pain and muscle pain taking over all terrain of her body, unable to be still and relaxed, all the usual shit from WDs, and then some stuff accentuated...like not only are there chills and sweats but she can't stand any freaking thing touching her lightly like bedsheets or anything unexpected at all, everything feels like a torturous level of tickling, she kept twitching back quite violently any time a sheet brushed against her arm, or (I am serious) she breathed in the direction of her hand while lying down, (the current of air tickled unbearably).
WORK calls her house. "Can you come in for the evening? We've run into trouble blah blah blah blah" Go figure all those times she would have had the capacity for it, nobody calls her to take much needed hours, but now, while in withdrawals, they have already called for her help TWICE since sunday, and it's got to be a freaking JOKE, it makes no sense.....this rarely happens, people are pretty protective of thier hours there, and fairly regular with their shifts.....
She saw this stretch of time on her schedule open and decided this would be the week she does her own detox, and of course they are asking her to come in all over the place now....blah.

She sounded like a drunk idiot on the phone, trying to think up a reason why she couldn't do it. She can't exactly say "hey, no, I'm in the middle of having withdrawals from using opium and other opiates for the last couple months, I'm sure you'll understand!" AHAHAAA...hee hee.....
Plus being sick and half asleep, she was not on the ball. Certain staff now surely pissed off with her for saying no...

She ALMOST almost used it though....she almost went and thought to herself I could go find something to get me just through a shift....just a small amount, some opium, some oxy.....find a fentanyl patch, a dillie....whatever..and have just a tidbit just to get through work. Right.

Anyway...it's almost 7pm and she is feeling quite gross. After her last wake up she struggled a lot with some dreadful feelings, anxiety, a few tears....and then she realized her body was lying to her, her body was the fool here, her body was being its own evil drug in a way, and that this whole thing was a very good thing, and that she could feel things without the drugs that a human being is meant to feel and how spectacular it could all become once this is over....
She told herself she could laugh at her brain and her body for challenging her, and that she knew better.

She also noticed something she's sort of been doing as a natural reflex....
You know how with the chills, sometimes you get them like....a ring of the 'chilly stuff' is surfing up your body, or a line of the chills suddenly, sharply crawls up your back, or you get suddenly a shock of the chills that makes your nipples so hard they hurt and your hair follicles every where on your body seem like little razors pushing up....
Those more pronounced chill experiences....well every time she'd get the more shock-wave sort of a chill, she found herself forcing herself to be very still and in a weird way that she could feel all over her body, but in her brain too, just basically telling her body 'it's okay, you're okay, you don't have to do that..."
This is in addition to the whole 'buzzy' thing she would try to do with the chills at night. This is just sort of something she was doing all along and scarcely noticed until yesterday.
It's a curious thing, it wasn't a conscious thing to chose to speak to her body like this, but the fact is it does make them less shocking, does increase comfort, it does do something, it does work somehow....and if it wasn't working she wouldn't have been doing it all along, and wouldn't have realized it just now, surely....

What can she say...
Get creative with your brain and your body, improve your surroundings (use WARM light in your room, there is something dreadful about a very cold, or those stupid florescent type lights - at least for my friend. She strung up yellow/white ish whatever christmas lights around her room last week, and they seem to give such a peaceful glow and induce something strangely positive all on their own. She has gone through WDs in a room with a very cold cold light and it's very hard on the head for whatever reason, and makes everything seem either killer bright while bland, or too dark and gloomy, makes her imagine things are more dreadful than they are. She wonders if this has anything to do with EMF from those sorts of lighting, not just the quality of the light itself, who knows....

The aches are asking for a bath, which seems like such a chore, but she knows it's quite necessary at this point. So off she will go.

Sparrowbeans added 105 Minutes and 24 Seconds later...

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omfg the leg pain....anyone want to find a gun and shoot me? Please?

Sparrowbeans added 203 Minutes and 31 Seconds later...

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SWIM HATES how posts always merge lol....
Oh well.
Lallalalaaaa....

CONFESSION TYYMMMEE!!!
My friend believes there is a God and a Satan. Headphones going dead may seem like a minor detail, however here is what happened....
Once she finally got the atrocious infuriating leg pain that kicked in today to subside a little, her brother shows up. Her brother has just fixed his car. His battery probably not in the best shape, he had jumped his car to get here....

She says "Hey will you take me to Walmart to get headphones?" and starts bundling up in loads of warm clothes, tries to make face and hair look presentable....pretends to be healthy and full of energy, not sick, not WDing!! I'ma get out of this house, I'll do it!!
Off they go.
He asks to borrow money from her to buy gas because his work jacked up on him and had to delay paying him. She says yes. She goes to get some cash out so she can give him some of it. So now she has cash (got extra just for whatever, bus far, any old reason that may pop up later). You may have guessed already where this is going....

They go to gas station. Gas goes in car. And THEN.....car does not start up again. NOTHING. Dead. Car is dead. My friend and her brother are nicely stranded. It is dark out and cold and she is not feeling so great out in the cold when in WDs. Gets uncomfortable....

Well he goes to call somebody to boost car, and must wait for this person to arrive. She gets fed up, wants to walk down to the store, see if she can pick up some tonic water for the gas/cramping, plus it contains quinine which is really good for leg cramping/pain and restless leg syndrome. This seems brilliant, and like a great opportunity....
She runs into a certain shady individual along the way (and normally he would never be in this area of town)l, situation has changed, she finds she can get some very nice stuff from him for cheap.
She feels very very awful and cold and sweaty and achey, and thinks to self....just a tiny tiny tiny tiny bit...."it'll be like tapering down, it'll be something to make me get through the night, I won't even be getting high, just taking the edge off of this shit...." Yes, the junkie rationalized anything and everything in these situations....

On the up side, all she got was a very very very little bit. Stuck to that 'rationalization'. Not enough to get high....
And she will have no way of accessing this resource after tonight either.

Anyway she feels like a bit of a lame fucking failure regardless of the minimal 'dosage', but on the other hand, she's had tylenol 1s and all the meds for handling WD symptoms beside her this entire time, it's not like the goal was cold turkey at any point....
It could have been worse, she could have really let her head rationalize "what if they call me in to work again and I am having symptoms, or maybe I should just give up for now, get a bunch, so I can be safe and free of WDs when I go to the farm..." and then bought a nice supply for herself....

It could have been much worse, any other time it would have been much worse...she would have disembarked on this attempt to detox entirely, but this amount was too small to allow any such thing.

It still seems like some sort of curse that this string of events occurred, either the devil or some bad force in the universe trying to trip her, or maybe God or something good testing her (which would mean she somewhat failed here)

What are the chances, it was supposed to be a quick drive to Walmart to get new headphones, and then back home to bed - so she could have her music for the rest of WDs, and this shit opportunity to buy drugs that would normally not be so convenient when she is actively SEEKING it out, pops up out of nowhere....
Trust me, it was very unlikely, and the worst timing....

And even if the amount used was so miniscule, and not enough to abolish all WD symptoms, so what.....it still slows the process, it is still a bit of a step back....
She feels guilt. And weak.....

So...needless to say, she is feeling about halfway better than she was now (only just used within the last half hour). Not high. Not thrilled in the least about any of this, and not enough drug to escape that reality, that's for sure.....


So that's her story, and now she will tell you of the positive side of all of the evening's events.
Her brother and her went for a drive (get some battery charge going, though the sound system probably used it up as quickly as it came lol) after leaving Walmart (yes, finally did make it to Walmart....)
And played music very very nice and loud and made car nice and warm and cruised...
Now, this was almost euphoric (I guess her mind is prone to these effects from music as it is) but she knows that all the time that she is ever on opiates of any sort, that her ears get VERY sensitive, she can hardly handle the sound of a medium loud human voice, let alone loud music of any kind. She has not been able to listen to rich loud music on a decent sound system and appreciate all of the sound ranges and depth and everything for so long. It was near intoxicating, and there is something of comfort she's always found with being a passenger in a car at night with some good music.....
She was almost alarmed at how loud she could handle the music. She's scarcely been off opiates enough to realize the difference in the last several years combined with having many opportunities to drive around with somebody blasting music lol...

She used to swear up and down music sounded better on the drugs, but she knows now how perhaps while that was true in certain mental aspects, this surpasses it by far.
It was a very very nice thing to get the hell out of her stinky room, the surroundings she has been sick in for the last few days, get out of the house, breath some real oxygen, do something else.....

So there are the positives.
And AND....she is a big nerd, and bought the Planet Earth DVDs set on impulse while in Walmart. She has always been completely astounded by the bits of footage she has seen in that series (has only seen a few clips here and there) and every time she saw it on the shelves at a store was tempted to buy it but afraid to spend the money. Getting rather excited at seeing it in stores and playing with the possibilty of buying the set has gone on for almost the entire time since it came out, so today she said FUCK IT I need something to do other than post on DF while I'm sick! (jk, she will probably still do that more than watch DVDs haha)
And so she bought it. And is very very happy haha....
She's always loved this sort of stuff, she was a major outdoors sort of person before she started getting into drugs years ago, among other things. All of her past interests seemed to have died completely and been replaced with getting high, being with friends who get high, only doing something she sorta likes IF she was high....etc, you get the picture...
She neglected all passions, talents, interests, anything, everything, lost any faith that any of it was ever any good, that she was any good to start with, and imagined it didn't matter, that these things don't make a person happy anyway.
So this is a sort of start, combined with the plans to go to a nice wilderness like area coming up soon....and she thinks it is a good sign that she is making sure she is retraining herself a bit to focus on what she would like to occupy her time with when all drugs are set aside, out of her life...
It's just DVDs, but somehow she is thrilled. She spent money on that, she could have saved that money for drugs...(well....more drugs)

It sounds like a small silly thing to be excited about, but she thinks all these small things can add up and make all the difference

She also got headphones, in the end....so she is set....they are purple lol....what a little kid she can be sometimes :P

Ahh. Well tonight will probably go a bit easier than the last few given her sort of fuck up by buying a small amount of drugs, but it will still be mildly rough and it better damned well be because that's what she deserves, truly....
She will be happy to wake up in sweats and remember that it could have been 'worse' she could have stopped all detoxing in its tracks, and she will get on with it.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Fascinating story of getting through w.d.s. Best of luck!