Combinations - Ok swim has decided enough is enough

[AmIHighYet]

Swim doesn't know if this belongs to another forum so sorry.

And swim knows this is dangerous. Swim is desperate.

Swim is on day 6 or maybe 7, Swim realizes what this did to her body, swims body has been telling swimm in many ways let swim tell you, it is demanding. Time has moved so fast but swim enjoyed it for some reason, even the horrible anxiety she sometimes gets. swim waited for a crash but nothing, swim has a perc and plans to use it tonight, she doesnt know if it will work and seeks advice. Swim doesnt want to crash for a week although she know if it happens she has lttle control, its telling swim what she did was a bad bad thing and body doesnt appreciate being taken advantage of. That is the jist of the post.

The saddest part is that this isn't the main reason swim wants to do this(getting to it) its really the fact that swim needs to feel like a functional human being again, sure, she actually enjoys not sleeping because... its just the weirdest shit ever, swim always had to be sedated and unaware of the world around it before when on uppers. She learnt how a good balence with this and did well in school, and actually went to class. But this is cause swim has been an addict since she was 13 so she knew the drug and moderation.

Swim cannot go into publish during a binge on uppers, swim has never felt as though she could keep it together at any dosage. She liked the high, as the story goes. She misses people and being a member of society. This is all very shocking to swim, she realizes how much she has grown and changed. Let swim tell you, she would have loved this during other times in her life, not now though.

Swim knows she can get back into the small moderation of tramadol. she learnt how to keep lowering her dosage and after awhile she found the right one for her. No more abusing swims tramadol. That she will not do anymore

Anyway, swim has been in denial and kidding herself that she is in trouble. Swim has a perc and want to take this to help her crash. Swim is wondering if she is kidding herself again. such a kidder, swim is. swim loves being awake and alert but also paid enough attention in biology to know what it does to your body and heart, swim spent 3 semesters in the same biology class in high school because she loved it so much. Swim has embarrassing been wearing the same clothes since monday, refuses to talk on the phone or pick it up, is faking a stomach virus so she can have some excuse to why 1. she isnt herself 2. shes staying home 24/7 and 3 the weight loss and hunger pains. Though swim has stayed away, she thinks everyone suspects something, which probably really isn't paranoia. Swim stared in the mirror quite some time today and yeah, swim looked bad but she didnt care as she would if swim was her old self. Although, swim wouldn't mind going on these binges every once in awhile; just not this long. swim has a perfectly acceptable 2 day binge a lil while ago and that is enough, as if swim is going on vacation and she jsut leaves her body behind,'


Sorry for that, swim did not intend for this to be longer than a paragraph. swim is ashamed.

oh and swim cannot crash for 3 days even if swim wanted to, swim has 2 finals friday. And one is writing and essay IN CLASS WITH SUPERVISION. Multiple choice is ok, swim will end up ranking about the smallest thing in essay swim has to write. This is another reason she seeks advice,

swim will end this(the thread and the binge)