I am lost....putting cocaine use ahead of family.

[reggiemental]

This message goes to the ether. To stick within forum guidelines, let us say that i am "hypothetically" on cocaine (again) right now. To continue in "hypothetical" suggestion, I am finding myself in this condition more and more. I am not only attracted to the oblivion that cocain provides, but I am also often keen to accrue downers such as vallium too. At the moment, nothing sparks the flame of desire in my brain so much as the thought of "non-thinking". I'm enjoying life in the areas where there is no life.

I have a daughter (6) - a wife (of 4 days) and a job (which i enjoy-ish). The truth is, and it is a terrible truth, that I do not think I enjoy my home life. I am selfish, so much so that my own happiness and comfort ranks that above my own childs. I am forever telling her to leave me alone while I entertain my own interests over hers. My wife is loving, caring and devoted.... but I can never bring myself to reward her for such things.

I am constantly irritated by my daughters constant attention seeking behaviour. This attitude is, I know whole heartedly, detestable. However, it is only now that I see this to be true. Tomorrow I will be come down. Tomorrow my anger will rise and my patience will die. I will be the awful father once more.

I need help. I am not a religious man (very far from it actually - my atheism is for want of a better word, devout) but I consider this to be my prayor. Please understand me.

My hopes are to achieve motivation over my laziness, destroy my selfishness and find peace and patience.

Anyones advice would be greatly appreciated.