Please help

[youdontknow]

I know this is kinda long, but theres 3 years of pent up shit that im talking about so if youd just read it all id appreciate any advice or feedback




Hey everyone. Im a 19 year old drop out with no job! Great aint it. And what do i have to thank for that? Opiates. I started using when i was 16 years old. I didnt think anything of it really. I started off poppiing two or three 750mg vicodins at parties and stuff, you know, no big deal, i didnt really have anything to lose (realizing now i may have not had anything to lose, but everything to gain). If it would have just stayed at two 750mgs every now and then itd be fine. But those two every other week turned into 7 every day. And the vicodins led to percs, oxies, and yes unfortunately heroin. Though ive been fortunate enough to kind of stay away from heroin. Oh and lets not forget the methadones.

Im 19 years old, dont have a job, a negative bank account, and this addiction thats ruining my life.

I really honestly felt like i had control of it till about 6 months ago. I mean, i dont drink, i dont smoke weed, i dont do any other type of drug except for opiates, and i used that to justify using them. But about 6 months ago i got a connect on methadone. I get ten milligram methadones for 3 bucks a pop. I started out with just two, now im up to four. And theres usually about a week and a half out of every month that i cant get them.

Soo after going three weeks on methadone then once i get off them i need something stronger than vics to get me high. Which leads to the heroine use. Kinda backwards huh. Methadone getting me on heroine...

I feel like my life is not mine. Im no longer me, im this addict who will do whatever it takes to get a fix. I have a girlfriend with a kid now and all i want is to be a better person for her and the kid. They dont deserve me (in a bad way) I dont like stealing from my loved ones and screwing over people that trust me. I always say that im not gonna get high, but deep down i know that if i can get it i will.

When im sober for more than a day i get the withdrawl symptoms. Clammy skin, runny nose, feeling just completely drained of energy, not being able to sleep and feeling just generally crappy feeling.

And on the subject of money, hmmm how do i get money..
I either beg my parents for money or steal it from them or my sister, every now and then i ask my girlfriend for it, and if she wont give it to me ill end up stealing it from her. Steal movies/cd's to sell, recycle aluminum and copper. One thing i dont do is rip people off.

I just feel really shitty about the person that ive become and im scared that im going to lose everyone important to me. My girlfriend knows im a drug user but she doesnt know nearly the extent of my problem. My parents dont know. I want to start a life with my girlfriend and be there for her and the kid, but i know im not going to be able to do it while im on drugs. I really want to get off them, but its like i cant stop my self from it.
please help me out