i'm not what i was but what i wanna be again.

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i realize i am the only one with the answers but i really would just like someone to talk to. for the past 2 years i have been strung out on uppers, downers, and more than anything painkillers to the point i have misplaced most of my feelings. i'm suprised i haven't sold the computer i'm typing from right now for a buzz. i've pissed away the best job i will probably ever have, most of my family has cut off contact from me because i've spent so much of their money or stole from them or blamed them for my problems, i don't have a job because i won't go to work next time i get dope sick, if i'm not high as i can be i am a paranoid emotional wreck who freaks everybody out. i am a fuck up for a living. i wake up in the morning looking for ways to make quick cash so i can buy drugs. then i get high, smoke cigs the rest of the day and dwell on the past. this is not my first taste of addiction but it is defiently the worst i have had to deal with. im hoping i am not homeless by the next time i log onto drug forums but who knows. i should have enough money for the clinic in the next few days so hopefully it will pull through. the withdrawals scare me shitless. the pain sucks but hey at least im not constipated anymore.

sorry for rambling. heres a song by a guy named brooks buford i'd like to share. it somes up my thoughts i am having. i just want to feel like me again and be able to function and be happy at times and expierence life. i always thought there was something terribly wrong with me and although there may be a mental condition most of all it is my attitude that is so terrible. i would never wish this hell on my worst enemies. take care.

circles all around my eyes, i've lived so many lies
be a man and take your beating
get back up and try again
hit the streets and try to win
take the beauty with the ugly
thats the way it is buddy
been a long time, out of line
trapped inside my fucking mind
running with the devil across the county line
but i can't blame no one, i dug this hole i'm shot in
i cut out everybody til i cut myself completely out the picture
drown my soul and lift the system
im not what i was but what i wanna be again
put me back up god, i wanna see my friends

Reputation Comments on this post:

	pure pity
	wicked poem btw....liked your post too: very sincere and honest...i hope you make it...