SWIM had another trip, this time with 15g mimosa hostilis, 35g caapi and 2,5g syrian rue, all taken almost at the same time. This time the location was a distant cottage in the middle of forest, and he found out that the heating wasn't working. Luckily it wasn't too cold out there to manage, some 10 celcius degrees + a thick plancket and a heavy jacket.
When he drank the brew he was amazed at how it didn't almost taste bad at all. He wouldn't have needed even to sip anything to flush the taste but did it anyway. The second thing that made him feel like this would be another failure was that there was virtually no nausea except for a tiniest heavy feeling. Almost an hour was passed and he still felt that there wasn't a lot going on, there wasn't any intense feeling but just a kind of clarity and sharpness to everything.
After hour he started packing, since usually he would be feeling some kind of confusion of alert marks. When he got to his car and checked his pupils on a rear-view mirror he found two fairly large ones and thought to himself that maybe he shouldn't lose his hope. He sat there in the car, observing the environment, and started feeling really lucid and strange, the ability to focus only on current moment and ignore the frames of his life was buzzing. His life felt alien and non-related to the pure thatness of the moment. Then he decided that it's been only an hour and he hasn't eaten that much, maybe it's just a slow absorption, as that's happened before, so he went back inside, under the blanket in a sitting position against the wall to watch what would happen. The answer is kind of not really much. He felt extremely lucid and sharp, the environment was attacking to his face but he still found himself to be able to think normally and would walk around to find himself returning to "sobriety".
Not sure about the timing but some time after that he felt that it had greatly subsided, mostly because the thought of driving a car to home had boggled his mind and noticing those pupils and that things aren't nearly at baseline, all those things made a boost in trip, which slowly seemed to dissipate. He was a bit hungry and definately tired since he had only eaten lightly four hours earlier and had been a bit ill to his stomach lately, having dumped whooping diahrrea earlier that day. Somehow still decided to take the brew because he was at his parent's home and he would get a convenient ride back to town tomorrow, so he'd miss the opportunity.
Anyway, he decided to head back to home since his mind was wery clear. Surely enough driving a car felt like driving it for the first time, and when he was reversing back to road the car engine shut down because he didn't step on accelerator enough. He is very experienced driver and has been driving underage on road few thousands of kilometers since he was 13, but now he had unfamiliar car and it was easy to step on accelerator too much to make the engine cough. That got him a little scared, can he really drive. But he went on since he was already almost at the road, not wanting to back up. Driving was very unfamiliar and he felt very light headed, the engine had a strange noise and the environment was like he'd never seen if before. He decided to turn back after half a kilometer, another decision which got him a bit worried, since he started thinking what the hell is he doing, but never panicked because he still was able to drive.
This time the trip never got so intense that he would only lie down and spend time dead in another dimensions. He returned back and started assembling his computer and found out that he would easily get agitated when he noticed he had been trying to sort out the power cable and when he snapped out of it, started wondering if he should do it at all and found himself helpless in the front of such question. At this trip he felt very clear and 'normal' all the time, though he could fly in the space, spinning wildly around and seeing mild third eye imagery if he closed his eyes. He found out that he had the largest pupils ever, i.e. the pupils that 'cover the whole iris'.
At some point he started questioning his sanity, which he never usually does on ayahuasca or otherwise. It was just so lonely location, he didn't think he would be tripping actually but felt that things just are this way always and he now feels only cler. He felt like he had been somewhat enlightened in a sense that he would feel only normal and clear during the very intense dose of ayahuasca, but he wasn't sure if it was working all that well. Since it took so long and never took a steep uphill on it's effects, he thought it wasn't working much if at all, and based in his previous experiences on this headspace he expected it would slowly start to vahish. He knows he should't obsessively try to "rank" his state of mind as tripping or sober, and tried to keep that thougth away, but he just felt so clear at times that he thought it didn't work that well. What caused problems was that the trip was still heavy and he felt the solitude of his thoughts and when thinking back to his life it felt very alien. Feeling sober during a supposedly mind-blowing 15g ayahuasca trip and still feeling like normal life and other people are utterly alien would lead him to think that something has snapped in his brain. If He feels this normal and able to function like the brew wouldn't effect him, but yet so alien to his normal life, maybe he would never be sane again. Ofcourse he knew not to EVER think that way under the influence, but he had some difficult times there, nothing like a panick because there was always the fact that he drank ayahausca to rationally tell himself not to worry. But he has a kind of obsession to return to the worrysome thought and go on finding a root for it, but DMT forces him to just forget it, because usually it's not anything new which he hasn't thought to himself a million times. So he spent time possessed by his own thougths and hungry, struggling in the loneliness at times.
Thinking about people around him makes him depressed because he can't have good, deep conversations with other people anymore because he'd get easily stuck with one viewpoint, feeling in his head like it's a debate and not being able to loosen up. Well he hasn't even tried it much, he prefers to just keep silent most of the time but rebels inside his head. Others see nothing wrong with him because when he talks, he talks about little things in a life in a beatiful and poetic manner, but as soon as he gets it out of his mouth he gets alienated with the original thought and never gets in a long conversations. Or then there's the other side, discussing things rationally. There'd be nothing wrong with his life otherwise, but he was very social and talkative when younger, and would know people very intimately. Now he only pretends to.
He learned to admit that he is socially scared and helpless, and has escaped to his own head. He learned that he shouldn't be so insecure about doing every little decision, which is what his father also is, but to embrace the feeling of certainty. He is usually very much in doubt about his life in general when he is alone, rather than he should enjoy his own time and when time comes, do something to change it. Worrying about things that could go wrong or how he should do them doesn't lead to security, but to more questioning. What comes to social interactions, he should really start to try to keep inside his head for a while to figure out something to say that is deeper from him, not just try to always have a perfect say to every single time someone else says something to him. He also needs more aggression and vigour in his actions. He has taken a stance of a wise, silent man, but he has become too wussy in his actions in relation to his talk. Plus he isn't even that wise, or doesn't accept the image of himself as he feels he could and should shine more energy. He gives an image of a person who knows what he wants and acts rather than hesitates, so he should act that way.
He learned he needs change, or he gets easily frustrated. Just little change, like moving around, or something like that, and to learn to keep his mind in a free-run to have a feeling that he can do everything, not the feeling that should he do something. During the trip the frustrations lead to much anxiety, and when he looked at the clock it was only 23:00. What?! All this has happened, and it's only three hours since he drank the brew and maybe an hour and a half after he returned from his crazy drive. He also found out he needed some little things to fix his mind on, as a kind of base, on which he lives. This time knowing that only three hours passed made him laugh a little for all the troubles, and enabled him to get away from them somewhat. Time was all that mattered now, and everything is forward, so he don't need to do a thing and things will get better.
He wasn't actually troublefree the rest of the time, but that realization was always with him, and he started to be able to let his mind be in harmony and not try to figure out everything by force. He then went on to heat a sauna just a little, because there was quite cold and night had dawned. After managing to get a fire on he felt very peacefull in the mild heat of sauna, and the past struggle with himself started to integrate to himself. He found that he was able to recognise the thought patterns that lead to that anxiety, and just let them pass by, not trying to push them away but just reject them. The rest of the evening was very peaceful time, though by the time frame and his never-so-big pupils he was still very far out. He spent two more hours after he decided to get home, moving between the sauna and the main room, in which there was lights and a laptop playing music. He usually would get 'frustrated' by moving on from place to another, or it would bother him as a purposeless thing which he wouldn't need to do to avoid frustration because he is so great, but that just goes on to show how deep problems he has. Not anymore, he had a peaceful time. Two hours of this easy time passed and he decided that he was stable enough to drive to home, making it t+ 5 hours. Ofcourse he still was not back to normal, but felt secure to drive in a distant gravel roads, and his pupils didn't fill his entire eyes anymore, though they were big.
This was the first time SWIM considered during the trip that he'd never take ayahuasca again. But after he mellowed out he decided that the best thing to do for him would be to take it with his brother in moderately high, 10 to 12 gram doses, so that he has mostly wonderful time. He feels he doesn't need anymore that high doses. Or if he does, it serves the purpose better if he is just able to let it flow through with not much trouble. As a side note, he hurt his wrist a little when trying to get a stiff door to close, and noticed some time afterwards that it was a bit swollen and hurt a bit. But during the trip he found out that he didn't have a lot feeling on his body, but it was rather composed of energy of his perception about it.
The central thought he carried away with him during the easy time was that he needs to let the wisdom mature itself rather than try to build it artificially. This trip certainly was a diffictult, perhaps most excruciating experience so far. At times he doubted if it's for good or bad. It ended well and he came away from it with a peace in his head, so yes it did. But on the other hand it showed him that he has some deep issues with conversing with other, altough he has been able to give other the image that he is socially gifted but just isn't interested in most things. But he found his soul and spirit so that he can feel it, not needing to think about the way others see him. This is the next day and he has had pretty big pupils all day, and he certainly feels he is alive worth every extra mm in diameter.
Edit: I think I haven't mentioned that his social anxiety has such levels that he usually gets himself caught on thinking how does he appear on public, and he usually moves by himself. Now he went to a grocery store, and the ayahuasca last night combined with the fact that he hasn't eaten more than two breads in 12 hours didn't help at all, he felt the normal anxiety-like feeling that he needs to neutralize his act once he thinks others can read something about him. It's so frustrating that you can't just go on with your shopping, nonody's going to pay attention to you. But it's mostly the hunger that makes him feel that way, and it wasn't that bad since he felt at the same time more alive and spiritual, and understood that it's been like this for a long time and there's nothing to worry about. With a cheesy pizza under his belt or some magnesium, I bet he would've enjoyed the simple trip to a store and seeing other people. Plus, he still feels very alien to normal life, which would be normal after such a heavy trip and considering his usual life.
Great report. I would rep you for it, but apparently I gave you some rep recently, so can't at the moment, lol. SWIM can relate with a lot specific points, and this has given him ideas for future trips. Thanks.
06-05-2008, 16:05
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