advice needed urgently by bloke in something of a pickle!

[h.]

Hello. I had a poor year last year. I was a heavy drinker either way, then my band split up, my girlfriends dad died, my dog died, I got a massive promotion and shortly afterwards my assistant at work, and best friend, got dragged into the wheel arch of a bus which carried him 2-odd miles down the road. I was 2foot from him.Those of you in the uk made have heard about this in the national media as the "bendy-bus" incident round about the beginning of last october (2007). When I found him, his face and front of his torso worn pretty much torn off, and his organs were smeared up the tarmac. Following a brief psychotic episode i went into alcoholic overload (minimum 4bottles of wine per day), lost my job and promptly had a nervous breakdown. Having been given terrible advice from police doctors at the time ("oh, a weeks course of temazepam should help you sleep...") I've been bouncing around various institution, rarely getting the understanding i think i require, i got dry by myself (horrible, shakes, hallucinations, the lot...oh, and my girl couldnt take it and dumped me!) 3 time after relapsing on the booze, and have now found a sympathetic psychiatrist who has given me a 10-day course of librium to help me out, but could have to wait up to a year for psychotherapy/counselling. I have pre-morbid-ptsd, anxiety, insomnia, panic attacks, depression, alcoholism (I made cocktails for a living for for 6 year, i had no chance!) and am often awake for 4-5 days at a time (and boy, is that some trip!). I do 40mg a day paroxetine for anxiety+depression, which helps a little, but stops working when i drink. The only thing that seems to control my urges are benzo's, but docs won't give em to me cause i took a minor overdose of em when i first stopped drinking, so I've bought some over the web from a large, reputable indian company. however, when i've chewed up these 10mg diazepenes they taste of very little, just slighly bitter and a little sweet, can anyone tell me if i may have been stiffed? most drugs ive taken in the past taste very bitter, and i'm so wound up all the time that i hardly notice the effects of these things anyway! Also, any alternatives? Btw , ive been a casual user of coke, e's, ganja, acid, shrooms, mescaline, 2cb, speed and very occaisonally herion since i was about 14, but never habitual, except with the booze. I have quite limited experience of pharmaceuticals, however...until recenty! I'm now 25. Thanks for listening. Enjoy your day! h.