Relapse on opiate pain pills- Tired and pissed off

[Libalow]

I know we are all responsible for our own lives, but sometimes things in the world just seem out to get you. I was a heroin addict for 2 1/2 years. Being fearful of needles and not enjoying the burn of the snort, I became a smoker. I was always regarded highly, being a smart girl who was very independent who always took care of herself and had things going for her. Due to unfortunate relationship issues involing alcohol addiction and domestic abuse (which I didnt really understand until afterwards) I turned to old friends from highschool who had recently discovered junk. Needless to say, I love heroin. I love painkillers. BUT- they ruined my life. I lost everything from my job to my house to my carand my family. Probably because I tried so hard to hide my problem, especially withdrawl. When I finally had to make a choice to live or die, I went to detox for 3 days for withdrawl help and walked out and havent touched heroin since.


This was a little over 2 1/2 years ago. I have since built up my life, restablished family connections, have a bank account, a car, respect. It took me all this time to feel like I can leave the house without someone wondering ifim going to get dope. Its a nice feeling.


BUT- due to all my dope smoking, I ruined my teeth. I need over $15,000 of work done to my mouth, WITH insurance. I have 3 broken teeth, need5 root canals, a bridge, 4 crowns, wisdom teeth pulled etc etc ETC.


SO- when I went to the doctor last december, I showed her my mouth, Low and behold she wrote me a script for a bottle of 40 vikes, with5 REFILLS without me even asking. Needless to say combined with the amzing amount of pain I go through daily plus the excitement of having so many "happy pills" for under 5 bucks a bottle with insurance, I got a little out of control. I took the pills as prescribed 3 times a day and gave a lot out to my friends who like to party (bad I know). Well here I am almost 2 months later out of pills, in pain and scared of withdrawl. I called the doctor for a refill after encouragement from the pharmacy, who of course basically spit in my face after having the audactiy to write such a large script in the first place. I know I have no one to blame but myself truely, but I think this would be a hell of a better world if we humans were allowed to medicate ourselves any way we need as long as we remain good members of society.


After I was off the heroin, I became "depressed" or thats what everyone told me. A physch put me on lexapro because supposedly I ruinedthe seratonin production in my brain from heroin. I have gone through life changes,like eating right and running 3 miles a day to going back to school, etc. But nothing makes me feel as good as opiates. I think if I had the option do freely do opiates every day without fear of legality or morals, I would.


So here I am, I discoverd this forum and now I made my own opium tea. I never knew how easy that was. I went to another doctor and paid 75 bucks for a 20 pill prescription. I am in pain, I feel like an addict again, and I'm scared of my own actions. Tired and pissed off I say....am I the monster, or is it the society that tells me I cant live the way I want if I'm only hurting myself?