A Star Is Born - SWIM's Story of Psychedelic Experimentation

[Dalfir]

Disclaimer: The following is a fictional parable.

I’ve always felt an affinity to the number 8. Everyone has a favourite number, and that’s mine. Last night marked my eighth and most deeply profound psychedelic experience.

Over the last year I’ve struggled with my identity. Who am I? What is my purpose? My seventh psychedelic trip on psilocybe cubensis mushrooms felt like a disappointing enlightenment (I wrote a report on that, if there’s any interest.) It seemed as if I’d peeked behind the curtains of the world and seen the way existence operates, except instead of feeling enthralled, I felt insignificant. I learnt my place in the universe, but wasn’t happy. During post-trip integration, what I learnt made more sense and I felt more at peace with my identity, although this was only the start of the most important experience of my life. I remember someone replied to my “Disappointing Enlightenment” and suggested that if I think I’ve reached a +4 Samadhi experience and felt less than pleased, I probably haven’t gotten where I think I have.

No truer words have been spoken.

Last night, the 22nd of July, marked a rather big Psytrance party…The culmination of a year of weekly events at a known venue. I had about 2 grams of ‘shrooms left and wasn’t expecting to gain anything from them. To be honest, I just wanted to get rid of them without giving or throwing them away.

I ate the mushrooms in my car early in the evening and then with some semi-anticipation went into the party. I was going to meet some friends there, but at the start of the evening I was alone.


We’ll continue, but first a quick peek into the past. I remember the first time I had shrooms, my first psychedelic and ultimately life-changing experience, at an outdoor Psytrance party.

There were whispers going around about a girl – a friend of a friend of a friend - who’d been unwillingly dosed with LSD and had locked herself in a car screaming. This story always stuck in my mind and later in the year, after more education and experience with psychedelics, I always thought back to the incident and wished I’d had the experiential knowledge I do now to have helped this poor girl get out of such a horrific situation. We’d never spoken before, I didn’t know her from a bar of soap, but I’m sure it would’ve made a big difference if I’d been able to talk her through the ordeal.

Flash forward to the present.

Out of the 8 times I’ve used psychedelics, seven of them have been met with this nearly overwhelming sense of de ja vu. I could be speaking to someone I’d never spoken to before and I’d be hit with the feeling that this had happened before. Sometimes this could trigger a bad trip, thinking I’d been caught in an inescapable thought loop. I know other psychonauts have felt this sensation, so they understand where I’m coming from. It would literally feel like every moment in my life, every event and thought I’d ever had were building up to that single moment. I’m normally gripped with this fear that the moment they’re building up to was my insanity. That this overload of cycles and queer familiarity were going to collide and explode, leaving me with a psychotic break.

Last night, during the come up, while buying a pancake (a tradition of mine at Psytrance parties) I felt the first tinge of this de ja vu. I was so sure that I’d been in the same situation before, perhaps in a precognitive nightmare. I then started thinking. “This is why eight is such an important number to me, deep inside I’ve known that the eighth trip I take will be the one to drive me insane. I’ll never be the same again. I’ll be another statistic, another psychedelic casualty.

I knew that the best thing I could do was not fight these emotions, but let the mushrooms take their course. One half of me knew I’d taken a drug, and although the shift in reality seemed so subtle, like the mushrooms weren’t even active, I knew deep down that eventually the effects (as negligible as they seemed at the moment) would wear off and I might as well make the most of it.

I started feeling more relaxed and enjoyable, more empathic and positive. I started dancing and noticed a girl next to me, she also seemed to be tripping (lightly touching and swaying in front of the speakers) so I figured I’d give her a piece of gum. She accepted with a shy smile and at that moment it hit me.

The thought cycles, the de ja vu, the sense of familiarity that I was so sure would eventually leave me in a permanent state of psychosis finally collided. It happened, just not as I expected. It was as if every moment in my life had finally built up to that point of me exploding from a chrysalis as a new, sparkling being.

I cannot explain this in any other way, but this was it. This was the +4 many spend their lives searching for. All my years of eating disorders and insecurity were gone. All my insecurity was gone. All my inadequacy was gone. I had never so happy to be alive…So happy to be me without any pretence. It was like everything had brought me to this point of rebirth and finding my soul-mate.

When my best friend arrived, I told him I loved him. Straight from the heart, he’s been one of the most important influences in my life over the last year. The girl I suddenly felt this deep sense of love (but not artificial, saccharine chemical love) for walked past and gave me a smile and wave. I asked my friend who she was.

“She’s the girl who fucked out on acid at that one party.” He replied. Coincidence? Or something more?

I never really spoke to her at the party, other than telling her she’s beautiful. She hugged me and said she kind of knows me through my friend. That was it. I’ll keep you updated on where this leads.

Love at first sight? Star-crossed lovers whose paths were destined to cross? Maybe. Probably not. But if not, it’s no big deal. The mushrooms taught me a lot more.

Looking at over three hundred people crammed into this venue, oblivious to race or culture, all dancing and flowing together was inspiring. I had never seen people so happy. No one was black or white. We were all humans, celebrating life. I realised at this point, that this is what I want to do with my life. I want to inspire people. I want to make enough of a mark on this world, that once I’m dead people will still be talking about me. I want my parents to feel glowing pride when they hear my name mentioned, and not unconditional love, but true pleasure that they had brought me into this world.

I’d been DJing for two years (Darkwave/Industrial) and had started moving into Psychedelic Trance production, albeit not too seriously. Now I know that this is want I want to focus seriously on. I want to be at the forefront of an event, inspiring people with my music and changing lives.

I haven never felt such a spark before, such a lust for life that has stayed with me long after the psilocin comedown. I still feel this drive as I write this.

I realise that I am the only person who can make my dreams a reality. I’m not going to let other people tell me I can’t achieve something, because I know that I can. I now feel this innate sense that I can achieve my goals and I will. In two months, I hope to be performing live at small venues and see where that takes me. I don’t mind putting in the effort, because I can easily visualise the results that a year or two of devotion will bring.

At the moment I’m studying film production and I’ll most probably finish this course, because filmmaking is as much of an art as music production and either way, my name will live on. I want my future children to be proud of their family name.

Today I came clean with my mother, I told her about my usage of psychedelics. (Keep in my mother always told me if she caught me with drugs I’d be kicked out of the house.) A week ago, I spent a good two hours speaking to her in-depth about psychedelics and their benefits. She listened with an open mind, watched some documentaries and looked at Erowid articles. At that point, she might have had an inkling of suspicion but I never told her I’d used any, she thought my interest was purely theoretical.

I spent an hour speaking with her today, telling her that I’ve never felt so positive before about life. About who I am. I told her that I owe her and my father my life and I’ll make them both proud, that I know my purpose on Earth. There were some bittersweet tears at the openness and honesty that was happening between us, she understood how psychedelics could be used as beneficial tools seeing as she was seeing as she’d seen it happen before her eyes (I started using psychedelics in the beginning of this year and since then there’s been a distinct improvement in all aspects of my personality…But nothing as profound as this.) I told her about both the good and bad trips, and what I learnt from them. She said she’s comfortable with the fact that I responsibly used psychedelics but just doesn’t want me to do anything with an addiction potential that won’t bring about any positive change. I’m so proud that she listened with an open, trusting mind. I’ve never felt so comfortable speaking to her honestly. Even at nearly 60, I told her it’s never too late to change that she is capable of whatever she wants to achieve and that the fact that she has not blindly followed all the anti-psychedelic propaganda of the last thirty years is testament to the fact that she’s a unique individual who can think educate and think for herself.

I think I’ve learnt all I can from psychedelics, and I doubt I’ll use them again any time soon. (Although the mushrooms also taught me not to constantly plan for the hypothetical future, or dwell on past mistakes but rather live in the moment and flow with time.)

So what am I going to do now?

I’m going to concentrate more on my music production, I hope to break into Psytrance performance within the next few months. I’m going to continue bringing home As from college, but strive for even more excellence. I’m going to spend more time with my father (we’ve never had a very close relationship, although things are amiable between us.) I’m going to motivate him to lose the weight he’s been wanting to for the last decade and give him the same spark of inspiration I was graced with. I hope that my family’s bond becomes even stronger.

All in all, I’m going to achieve what I’ve always wanted to. I’m not going to let anyone tell me that I can’t do something, because even though this world is fraught with negative and cynical people (as I once was,) I’m above all of that.

I will reach every single goal I’ve set and above all, I’ll defend the responsible and therapeutic use of psychedelics until the day I die.

Reputation Comments on this post:

That was incredible, you could add writing a book to your list!