How meth hurt an 18 year old who only used it less then 10 times. Inside my mind.

[vantranist]

OK so SWIM writting this just for u people at drug-forums (these few sentencs i mean not all of it) This is a direct copy N paste from a Blog i posted on myspace that i Just wrote, the BLOG was taken directly from messeges i was sending to a friend over myspace.

FIRST OFF! the real messege i sent my lady friend when the event happend is near the bottom... it says when the message begins liek this "------message starts here---", if u dont see that ur still probly reading my thoughts (Witch are probly one of the most important parts)but theres about a page and a half of just my thoughts after this and what ive kinda learned or seen... i recemmend seeing reading all of it... but yes i know its long so fi u have to just read the message and like a paraphgraph above it.

I am 18 i dont know much expreince wise but this is the hardest thing ive ever writting poured my soul into it and somone wrote it in just a few minutes, im not saying meth is bad at all so dont come back with somonthing about the DRUG this isnt about how bad meth is i wrote this to just tell a truthfull unbaised story that happend to me no more than 3 hours ago, it might make meth look a little bad (well it is a little bad) but the comments i want to hear are feedback or mabye just info i might should know or if u have gone through somthing liek this.

I am still a kid and for the first time i felt an even happen in my life that is going to help turn me into adult... im getting more unstading form this than any pychedlic trip ive ever had and wounder if this is the first REAL major event to EVER happen to me becuase ive never acutally felt like this before... its somthing new leading me to belive its pretty remarkable.
For a matter of fact i may just have decided to quite all drugs all together not just illigal ones, i dunno if anyone has ever felt this but theres a point that weather influenced by scociety or not, legitamite or not, Personally if you think its right or not, but understand how drugs usally hurt when they get abuse and can totaly be used fine for your whole life if you know what ur doing BUT somtimes I i want to be somone "normal"i guess you could say... even tho i dont think theres anyhting wrong wtih drug besides the lagal aspec, when i think of going to church(i am agnostic) with people who dont know wtf a pookie is or a piece of blotter is and when they hang out with there friends on the weekend the thought of drugs never crosess their minds... they have fun with themselves and eachother doesnt mean its better than drugs thats all an opinion but somtimes even tho drugs are only bad when u let them be, a part of my still longs to be "innocent again" and not know all this drug shit...

SWIM thought of somthing a few months ago and thinks about it quite alot, I think about the last time me and my friends hung out just to be with each otehr and chill without using drugs... The answer was my 8th grade year in middle school... i am not a scneooir. That means EVERY weekend we have done some drug... sually just weed and alcohol but my point is drugs are the norm for us we dont think twice about not using it the first words out of somones mouth is "whos got teh bud" we werously dont have a good time unless were on somthing or mabye we just havent been sober for so long we forgot what its like. But ya... 8th grade-12th grade every weekend almost i would love to resee the last nite that we were all together (myfriends, basicly brothers) without drugs just us... I know it was in 8th grade but that exact nite... im not sure i remember and what i would do to see the person i was back then... not because i was better back then but because i was DIFFRENT and its who i was and now i am a diffrent person almost to the point of being reborn, and im not talking about drugs nessecerly, it was my new teenage intelectual midnset that made me try them true but i serously had a transformation 9th grade-$10 grade that almost hit me over nite, i belive now to an extant u cant really truly make somone cahnge there mind and their views on life they need to recognize that for themselves and change it, if they dont wanna be changed it wont happens, the sad part is they dont know they need to change or they think their perfect. For inttance i whent from holding my breath in 30 seconds in 8th grade to aviod inhaling any marijuana smoke from a smell rrez hit my friend did (didnt even produce smoke) but i still held my breath in fear of inhaling thats how striaght edge i was and i whent to DMT(not that bad but diffrently a drug not for beggingers) and meth and heroin and moprphine and coke without thinking twice. So most shit above this part is just kinda uysless backround info and things my young mind has picked up so far the real message begins now **everyhting above this point was writting for drug forum, everyhting else was on myspace when the event acutally pretty much happend.

word key:
Me, I, = SWIM

enjoy... I think people at this forum will appreicate somthing like this escpeacally from a child and mabye give some imput beucase i really want to know what others belive and what they think about all of this.



NOTE: If u read this whole thing or even 1/4 of it ur either a good friend(my real friends will hopdully read it but its coo if they dont... to see the part of me ive been to emberresed and ashamed of too much to tell many people and that i hid and was emberesed to talk about untill i was probly a sophmore, to ym friends who know me best u might say this doesnt sound like zack or, hes exxagerationg or somthing but the zach we all grew up together in kidnergarded and 3rd grade hide this from you untill now thats why... u may think this bullatin is BS unforuntantly i dont have many people to talk too so don;t feel bad if u dont feel like u dont know me anymore because ive never really shared it with anyone but wesley mabye(the sugar coated verion anyways) i know that some fo my best friends will probly even laugh at this too im thinking JP (lol no offense josh its just ur personality its coo) But it doesnt matter caus the way i see it its just a defence mechinism trying not to show emotion becuase these days thats known as emo and gay, but thats also why i think some people will take it serously becuase i kinda see it like if i took so much time to write all this shit out and say things that would normaly make a regular male like like a fag and get made fun of for then its gotta be important enogh for me to say fuck it... somtimes u gotta just say somthing. was who cares about me or somone who understands how intresting and amazing emotions can be what they can say given the chance like i have below. OR if ur a little more muture then an average teenager and muture enogh to acutally be intrested in things like this its definiatly a good read if u actually are intrested you have probly seen similar shit on the news or the internet about storys like this but this probly nothing new to most of you but the diffrence i think is this is a sort of diffrent point of view and if u can see my profile u probly know me or atleast have met me so mabye it wil, mean more if u know the person. This is really personal shit that most people wouldent share and because i am sharing somhting liek this all i am asking from you is to just try and understand, read the shit and think about it mabye, besides its somthing i want people 2 know and not because i think doing tweak is cool or i want people 2 feel sorry for me just becuase i just want to say somthing from the heart. so enogh summery n shit, get to reading it

PS. All this was sent to somone over messeges i didnt orignally plan on letting anyone know but her and close friends but it needs to be said so i decided to make a bullitin, so tell me what u think about it. who am i kidding if u have read this far ur probly farther than 99% of everyone else who just opend this and said"fuck that its too long"



(and more expaling about shit... how i feel, ya its a pain in the ass and takes forever to read but thats kinda what this is all about, forgetting about beign emberessed or sounding un manly or w/e u wanna call it lets face is most guys would call this conversation gay as shit, but ya i know that!)**Before u read this, well first off i wrote it, but also its probly the most honest thing ive ever said or typed and the hardest and easy in a way at the same time sounds kinda weird but i cant really describe it. You might think im fucken trash or some stupid ass kid who doesnt know jack shit about anyhting and everyone who reads this will probly laugh n shit i know but it doesnt matter caus i dont really care caus im just being honest and saying everyhting that i feel for the first time since i can remember but theres nothing wrong with laughing either when u read shit like this i probly would and alot of people teenagers are like that, doesnt make them a bad person...but what i know for sure is this is the most honest thing ive ever wrote and the realist thing ive ever wrote. And i knwo my friends hwo read this who (think) they know me best will probly just sayi im being an emo bitch(like alot of masculent men i guess) and im exxaggerating, but if i am i, dunno how to be anymore truthfull caus im not thinking this shit up to feel sorry for myself (like we all do at sompoint, sit it feels go) im just saying how i feel i kinda feel relived acutlly, and the reason why im doing all this is so mabye somone will see it and understand about things like drugs and life and just think about it what was running through my head when this happend put urself in my shoes pretend your me, its really an amazing feeling or expeirnce that i whent through, and mabye it will stop somone from trying meth for the first time and ruidning their lives, but in truth... meth never hurt me even when i would abuse it for the short time i did use it to much... But it hurt me in another way becuase what it put my mom through and what shes thinking right now how she thinks its her fault because shes been addicted for 20 years and she would probly choose death for me before that kind of addiction like shes bein going through for 20 years, and thinking about how shes crying right now and what shes thinking, 24 hours ago she thought i was a kid who had mabye smoked weed or drank some alchool (if even) and now she found out almost like another life ive been living and the drug that detroyed her is trying ot detroy the thing she loves in the world most and that i might get be destroyed by the same thing that destroyed her but mainyl BECUASE OF her it was in no way her fault and i told her but i just hope she belives. So i guess ive learned somthing about drugs.... what they do to people around you and the thigns they make people do to the ones they love is the true misery drugs can caus not losing your teeth or 50 LB's or hievs alover your body or even death, its the guild of living what happend when u got caught... if u wanna teak all day and destroy your life and kill urself thats bad N' all but its YOUR choice, when other people get pulled in ur hurting people who never asked for any of it FUCK Physiclal pain... ya it hurts like a bitch but it goes away when somthing happends emotioanlly its gonna be with you forever, And im gonna bet every one in the WORLD will go through somthing like this might not have shit to do with drugs but you will

---------*The message--------
hey i really messed up i guess and just had the most powerfull i guess u could say moment of my life... i dunno who to tell this too so im gonna tell it to u caus i know ur understnading and stuff even tho i dont know u very much.

i just need to say somthing that ill never forget what just happend....

im gonna get down to the real part i was smokign meth out of my moms pipe and she caught me... she came in my room crying her eyes out and just hugged me and kept saying "why" "Why you?" and "its all my fault" along those lines i guess

probly the first time i hugged my mom 8 years... probly due to stuff me and you already talked about. but with my parents the relationship we have is kinda dont ask dont tell... get very okward when we talk about anyhting like that... sex, drugs you know... so am hugging my mom and crying too talking about these things for the first time. and for teh first time with ANYONE in my life let alone my parents she sat down and talked about how she got addicted why she did it and when and all that stuff that would of been insanly okward otherwise to talk about, with the way we are im to embareesed to tell my parents even that i love them, or aything good, so i guess u can imagine how wierd this must of been.

and a few minutes ago she left and we decided that i CANT do it ever again... she was really close to taking me to counsling and herself i guess to both kind of get off the drug.

a part of my tho... a strange part is glad, so glad that i got to talk to my mom a way a son should and tell her things and for the first time have a real serouse adult conversation, i think this may change our relationship forever for the better, but also im also ashed i cant even look her in the face, we will never be the same to eachother again for the rest of my life for better or worse, but i think mainly better.

jeez this is really long and probly sounds weird as shit caus its so personal but i bet at point u have left liek you need to talk to somone and u dont care who... somtimes u dont even care if they listen u just wanna say it for yourself and thats kinda how i am right now, Thank god u have a sister(from what issume) that u can share things and say anyhting, for the past 10 yhears i havent told anone my feelings it might not seem important but after 10 years or a long time of doing that, it hurts so bad and drives you insane, Sharing NOTHING it will make ur life miserable and kill you i swere it on anyhting.

fuck, anywways back to the point i just needed to pour out all my feeling i guess u could say im still kinda crying i guess but i am content my mom finally knows about my drug use i guess.

another thing try not to tell anyone about this, mean i dont care if u tell like autum and franny and joel even, i dont really care if everyone knows i just dont want people talking about it and trashtalking me for things they know nothing about, a part of me would acutally like people to know aslong as they understand... makes me feel better kinda like people care i guess sorta why i told you and probly ill tell more witch will probly just end up with people thinking im a peice of shit but oh well its the truth and if somone wants to know im not gonna sugar coat it im just gonna tell them, if they think im trashj for it then thats their problem caus aslong as i say what i belive and tell teh truth it doesnt matter what anyone thinks... pethatic i guess.

so ya theres a ton mroe to say but if u read this far im serously suprised and owe u alot for just listneing to me.

hit me up if u wanna say somthing.




----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: [URL="http://profile.myspace.com/index.c

1 last thing that i kinda think right now... a feeling that i never really thought could happen like this, and by that i mean i always knew at some point of life i would have the worste day of my life and at some point i new i would have the best day in my life... who would of guess it would turn out to be the same day ... one thing ill never smoke meth again, not because of me and the damage it could do to me adn how it could ruin my life, but for my mom i dont care if i smoke meth for 10000 years and it will never hurt me im not gonna do it JUSt becuase she doesnt want me too dont care if its harmless i am contimplating weather or not i should quite all drugs and change my life forever in every way i can... good grades try to be a kid thats normal... not even normal i want to be better than normal i want to have morals again and i want to get good grades i want to be called a nerd or a good kid for once in my life... haha well ive probly been called a nerd alot but u know what i mean getting waisted with ym friends has been the funnest thing ive never done with my life nothing compeates with a amazing night of being faded and being drunk then thinking about it a day later im sure u know the feeling (increadible like it was a dream with ur best friends that u have known your whole life) BUT after all that fun for as long as i remember i have been doing things my own way beliving my own things totaly using my own mind to come up with my belifes and my acutions never listneing to anyone else if i thought it was right i think that was my downfall, i used my brain too much and tryed hard to find the right decisoin to make and the right religion to belive and the right drugs to use and how often to use them. but everyones always says "use ur head" "dont do drugs" "drugs are for people who follow the crowd" and the thing is the more i thought about things and leanred about drugs, educating myself anyway possible DEA websites drug info sites to try and understand (ive taught myself a fucekn book full of knowladge bout drugs)... i noticed the more i learned and the more i thought about it and the more i thought i was right in ym dicision to use drugs and to not get good grades and to not go to school i didnt follow anyone into i didnt get peer pressured or some shit i didnt do it caus i didnt care how bad it was... i did it becuase i thought i was doing the right thing if i controlled it so i guess i am confused what to belive, they say be smart and dont do somthign caus its cool, and i didnt do any of that shit, i did it caus i thought hard and long about it and new EVERYHTING about it... not from some junkie kid who told me"its safe" but from the real thing, i new everyhting i followed what i truly belived in and my heart i guess and apprently its the wrong thing to do, so mabye next time u shouldent think at all and just go with the crowd.... withc is acutally what they tell u not to do BUT in 99% of the time the crowd is staying away from meth so i dunno what to think anyone, i consider myself to be atleast a little smart but mabye my brain is just plain ignornat so after i learned about meth and started using my OWN brain thats when i started doing bad things.

but truthfully meth never hurt me like most addicts but it sure did change my life forever.




wow when u speak from the heart u really can say some nice shit and voice ur emotions pretty good... also type a fucken shit storm of words... haha everyhting ive sent u started out as like 2 senteces and just Fucken grew.