SWIM's Masochistic Streak?

[Nicaine]

SWIM has once again used stimulants unwisely (propylhexedrine, going on 36 hours straight) which has caused sleep deprivation, eating improperly, ill feelings, physical exhaustion, fear of dying, etc.

SWIM wonders if the seeds of all this were planted in childhood. He was basically raised to turn anger inward on himself since early childhood. In SWIM's early 20s he was diagnosed with panic attack disorder. For those who haven't had panic attacks as a chronic disorder, there's a whole mood state that goes along with the illness, and get this -- you feel like you're doing it to yourself in some way. In other words (at least to SWIM) it felt like he set off a willful, voluntary and purposeful chain of thought which resulted in severe panic attacks and then he continued to purposely set off this "thought-bomb" every time he managed to relax a little bit... feeling relaxed/better was instantly the trigger for an even worse cycle of panic. This is very hard (almost impossible) to explain to someone who hasn't lived inside SWIM's head.

Anyway... SWIM thinks he may have a well disguised/hidden masochistic streak. Maybe he likes to suffer, feel like sh*t, ruin his health and freak out. Maybe it satisfies something in him that wants to return to the safety/overprotection of childhood where everything is done for him and he just exists without responsibility or challenge or even creativity... living in a numb, sedated comfort zone. SWIM doesn't really know for sure. Something must be keeping him using stimulants well into the realm where they feel like utter sh*t most of the time and SWIM sits around wondering if his heart or a blood vessel in his brain is suddenly gonna give out, or maybe he'll die in his sleep after a particularly long roll. He wonders if there's a part of him that doesn't care... or even wants it to happen, the sooner the better.

P.S. no real depression here folks, just negativity based on contemplation. If SWIM is physically OK after all the propyl use (it's gone now) he'll probably be just fine.