Regarding therapeutic value of entheogens and mourning one's own death

[bewilderment]

Okay, I wasn't sure whether I should put this under "mushroom experiences" or here. I believe that this would be the most suitable place as two of the topics are "Insights and Mystical Experiences" which the particular trip I'm going to describe falls under the categories. Also, this regards a therapeutic use of mushrooms and I believe that many of the strong hallucinogens out there are capable of producing similar results.

This report isn't about swim, but rather an extremely powerful experience that swim's wife had last night so I can only tell you what swim witnessed and what swim's wife reported.

First, a bit of background on swim's wife and present life situation: Swim's wife has been diagnosed as Bipolar 1 as well as being diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. She has been quite stressed out the past couple of weeks due to taking a large load of classes at a university and also working as an assistant manager at a store. The school situation is especially frustrating because she already has a bachelor's degree in medieval studies and whereas she was working on her master's degree last year, she has been thrown back into the undergrad school due to some technical things such some of her classes not transferring to the university she is now at. This also is partly due to the fact that directly after she finished up her bachelor's degree, she had a complete breakdown and associates a lot of the memories with the time when she was studying medieval studies (wanting to be a professor) with the severe depression of that period and thus she is no longer interested in pursuing that subject. I believe what she is planning at the moment is getting and undergrad degree in comparative literature and then going to grad school again.

Anyway, apparently due to this stress and also due to the fact that she hasn't been taking her medication regularly she has gone into a rapid cycling phase of bipolar. She tends to not inform swim when she starts having such difficulty until it becomes glaringly apparent. This is most likely because swim also has a mood and anxiety disorder to deal with and when swim knows her partner is suffering she may tend to become depressed as well. It became obvious to swim that something strange was going on that night, but unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately considering the eventual outcome) swim's wife was still hiding it well when they decided to make some mushroom chocolates.

Swim ate the same amount as her wife before riding with a friend to pick up some marijuana. This dosage made swim trip, but only mildly while the dosage had no noticeable effects on her wife (swim seems to be more sensitive to shrooms than her wife). The amount mixed into the chocolate was at least 10 dried grams or more and they ate a quarter of the chocolate before leaving to get the MJ. While waiting for the dealer to come around and make the exchange, swim's wife grew increasingly paranoid and anxious that they were going to get busted. For example, there was a car nearby with a guy sitting in it which swim's wife thought was a cop although the car wasn't typical for a cop car. It actually ended up being someone else there to meet our dealer...this is part of the reason why it's a bit nerve-racking meeting this particular person because he always wants to do things in the same spot, but they've lost their own weed connections and have to deal with their neighbor's connections now and he won't ask the guy to meet in a different spot because it would be inconvenient for this person.

But, everything was fine and they came home and the neighbor went back to his place. Swim's wife ate her remaining half of chocolate while swim packed a bowl at the kitchen table. When swim came into the leaving room, her partner immediately went upstairs saying she'd be back in a minute. When she came back downstairs she looked fine but when swim asked her to come sit next to her she broke down in tears saying how tired she was of drugs and how she just knew that one day they were going to get caught in which case all of her future dreams and goals could be put in jeopardy. She said the only solution would be moving to a more lenient place than the U.S., but that wasn't something she really wanted to do and she couldn't see a solution to the problem and felt that she was going to have to quit eventually and that would put a strain on their relationship that she was terrified of. Swim was confused because earlier her partner had been complaining about how she wasn't tripping and swim was. Also, on the way back home she was asking if their neighbor wanted to throw in some money for an RC order. That was completely of her own volition. So, swim was perplexed in the extreme sudden change in attitude and mood. Her partner was just bawling so, of course, emotions being heightened during a trip swim started crying hard as well. She assured her partner that she cared for her very much and would rather give up drugs than ever lose her.

Eventually, they both calmed down a bit. And, swim's wife informed swim that she had entered into rapid-cycling mode and that swim really shouldn't take anything she said seriously for about the next month or so. She also told me that she had been crying during the day at school which swim did not know about. Strangely, what had made her cry was that she was in the library and was looking over one of Virginia Woolf's books which after looking at, she had to run to the bathroom to hide the tears. She is a very big fan of the author and feels an emotional connection with her life and works. Swim's wife is truly a bleeding heart sort, very empathic. Her heart goes out especially to suicides because three years ago she tried to kill herself and also knows that her grandfather, who was gay and bipolar like herself, committed suicide by drowning himself in the Hudson River. She informed me that lately she had been feeling strange in the sense that she felt like she was being thrown back in time around her suicide attempt. So, reading Virginia Woolf, she just had an immense desire to want to reach Virginia and help her just as she wishes that somehow she could go back in time to visit various suicides and just try to reach them somehow. She also worries about her grandfather and wonders whether or not he is at peace now or is still suffering.

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So, there's the background info on the day and now for the actual trip. Soon, after she ate her other half of chocolate (swim didn't have her's until later because she was already tripping decently and wanted to smoke a bit), she began tripping harder than she ever has. She ran downstairs from the bathroom to inform me not to eat my entire portion of chocolate because it was way too much. She was no longer crying at this point and seemed to be upbeat. But, soon the anxiety that is often associated with the beginning of a mushroom trip set in and it was a bit much for her. She went into a panic and started having an asthma attack and hyperventilating. She went upstairs trying to calm herself down and also took 2mg of clonazepam. She isn't as informed as swim is about mushrooms and swim has usually had the most intense trips with her wife's trips being much less so. She had never felt the anxiety at the beginning although swim almost always feels intense anxiety for about half an hour or so...the first time this happened she took some klonopin and laid down until she felt more in control. After that, she was able to get a grip during the anxiety bit without using a benzo and just by lying down in a completely dark and silent room and focusing on her body and psychological state in order to gain control.

Swim's wife was very frightened and rightly so. She told swim to come lay down next to her and talk her through things and reassure that everything was fine so she did. She said that anxiety was typical and the fact that she had taken such a very large dose coupled with the fact that she'd had a bad day and also has generalized anxiety disorder was causing the acute reaction. Swim reassured her that things were going to be fine and the panic phase would pass.

The panic phase did pass and that's when her incredibly intense trip began. She found that she was unable to move and informed me that she was beginning to lose the visual connection with reality and felt as if she was about to be catapulted into outer space. Swim said that was rather common with high-dose trips and didn't mean that anything bad was happening and she needed to just relax, let go, and flow with it. Then, swim's wife informed her that she knew exactly where she was going with this trip and that was back to the day when she cut herself. She has always been quite vague when describing the incident to swim because it was so traumatic and also it had been partially blocked from her memory. For example, she never told swim that she actually did die that day and had to be resuscitated. Anyway, it wasn't long until she was back there. She reported that she felt as if she were back in the same body as at that time and she could see the door to the bathroom and feel all of the pain, but she was afraid to go in that door.

It only took a few minutes before she was back inside the bathroom again. She described everything in great detail and swim could tell at times that she REALLY was back there. Swim has never witnessed such a pained, shocked, and confused look of a person's face. She would look like a deer in headlights as she entered into different parts of that night and then would start crying and writhing about on the bed.

First, she described all of the blood on the floor and how she'd never seen so much blood. She knew the amount of time it takes for someone to die in such a way and had a stopwatch next to her. She had locked the bathroom door because her parents had been informed that she was in a suicidal state of mind and needed to be watched so she was staying at their house. She said that for a very long time afterwards she would have nightmares where she was drenched in blood, and that she still has these from time to time. Swim knew about the nightmares, but wasn't sure exactly how much blood was lost at the time of the incident.

So, at about the time when the stopwatch said ten minutes her mom had figured out a way to bust down the door. She remembers her mom call out to her dad to call 911 and come quickly because she had cut herself. Right before she lost consciousness, she remembers looking up at her mother and saying "I've got ten more minutes before I go." That's when things began to get fuzzier due to the trauma and also due to the fact that she was going in and out of consciousness. She said she had never been exactly sure where she went after that because it was blocked and that troubled her because she wanted to know WHY she did not die that day. She seemed to be able to access some of the experience. She said that she remembers seeing her toes and realizing that she was no longer attached to her body, but she could still hear what was going on.

Part of her rationalization of suicide stemmed from her spiritual leaning at the time. She had just returned from Germany where she had gotten heavily into Buddhism and taken refuge vows and the vow of the bodhisattva which basically says that one will continue to be reborn and help others until all suffering has ceased. She felt that she could not do as much good in this lifetime as she could in another and wanted to start over again. She kept saying something about a loophole though that swim never quite understood, something about even though she thought that she could go on and be reborn she couldn't because she still had work to do in this life. She says that at there was a point after she "died" where she had the choice to come or go and at that point she could hear her mother screaming like she'd never heard anyone scream before and her mother was over her saying "Goddammit, I worked SO hard all your life to keep you alive, you are not dying on me." This is related to the fact that she was born a twin and they were both very premature and not expected to live. Her twin died, but she survived only barely. Directly after this, she had a life-threatening case of viral meningitis where she almost died once again. This coupled with the fact that suicidal people are hard to keep alive in general. At that moment, she wasn't thinking in words but intuitively knew that if she died that it would have severe karmic repercussions and that her mother needed her there because she had never come to terms with her father's suicide...also, her mother is a psychologist which makes losing a loved one to suicide that much worse. After that she remembers taking her first breath and returning to her body.

So, she had then experienced this once again, but felt that she needed to go back and change the moment which she viewed as a moment of death to that of a moment of rebirth. Basically, it's just looking at it and knowing that good things happened afterwards. Although, she feels that she HAD to die before she continued. Swim and her partner both have mood disorders and swim has often been on the verge of suicide starting back around the 6th grade is when she started to seriously consider that option. She's come very close before. Once, she even went so far that she sat by her mother's gun and wrote a suicide note and picked up the gun...but, she was simply too afraid to pull the trigger and decided to save the note and wait until another day. That was when swim was 14 years old. She has continued to struggle with this sort of impulse since the beginning of adolescence. The last time she was really close though was about a year and a half ago. She had it all planned out. In fact, instead of a note, she decided to keep a suicide journal where she would write everyday trying to explain why she could not stay and also recording research on suicide as well as quotes regarding suicide and from suicide notes. Once again, the plan was to use a pistol. But, she was still trying to hold on. Then one day, she woke up and knew that she either needed to get help or she was going to drive to her mother's house to shoot herself in the garage. She didn't know which option she was going to go for even as she walked out the door, but she found herself heading towards the counseling center on campus. This didn't help much, but it was enough to encourage her to hold on for awhile to see if therapy and medication would work. It'd never really helped in the past, but she was lucky enough to be put on a medication which actually did help and having an amazing therapist. Swim recovered and soon after met her current spouse.

Now, swim's wife considers the both of them to be soulmates. Her wife has always believed in such things, but was never confident that she'd find her's. Swim, on the other hand, has a hard time even believing in distinct and separate souls, but rather believes in one fully encompassing consciousness/energy/spirit or what have you. She never believed in the notion of soulmates. However, ever since swim met her wife she does sometimes question this because they have a very deep spiritual/mental/emotional bond that just makes it feel as if they were really and truly meant for each other.

Anyway, so swim's wife was still trying to figure out the purpose for her staying in this life. She came to the conclusion that she'd stayed because she needed to help her mother deal with her father who she is still angry at even after death. She's never come to terms with his sexuality or suicide. So, needless to say, losing her lesbian daughter to suicide may have been too much to handle. Also, her mother has really lightened up about homosexuality and is happy for her daughter and swim and wants to be involved and get to know them and understand the relationship basically. Swim's wife also feels as if another reason is that swim needed her in swim's life and that perhaps she had to experience death for the both of them. Obviously, if swim had ever gotten to the point of suicide and put a bullet in her head then she would not have been saved as her partner was. Swim's wife has aspirations to be an author (and she certainly possesses the talent for it...swim is biased, but not to the point where she would judge bad writing as good writing because she's well-read enough to tell the difference.) and feels as if another purpose is to write in a way that really touches people and also write in order to describe her own experiences and help them deal with their own turmoil.

Swim's wife also went on describing the events leading up to the suicide and while swim knew about the events (mostly related to being hurt by others she was romantically involved with), she didn't quite know the extent. I will not go into details here because it is not really necessary except that in being able to share so much with swim, they felt dramatically closer than they had before (and they already felt extraordinarily connected) so it was a really amazing experience for both of them and swim was happy that she was able to accompany her wife as she journeyed back to that dark place.

Also, this morning swim woke up just as her wife was about to leave for work and she reported that she felt much "lighter" this morning and that the experience was something that had been weighing her down ever since it happened. She had needed to come to terms with it and mourn her own death and that was simply something she could never get out of talk therapy. This doesn't mean that all problems are solved, of course, and swim knows that this relief may or may not last but hopefully it has at least helped a great deal. And, of course, the both of them will continue to have to deal with their illnesses so the event wasn't a cure-all, but it was helpful.

So, I just wanted to share this event here because I know there are people here that will understand and swim doesn't have many people to share the experience with. She is still in awe today and hopes her partner will come home after work in a good mood still. Swim is also extremely happy that the mysteriousness which surrounded this part of her partner's past is now gone completely. She now knows more about that anyone else aside from her partner and she feels more connected than ever considering how hard it is for her partner to share such things.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Beautiful post: It really resonated