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Opiate addiction Support for coping with Opiate addiction and Opiate addiction treatment.

 
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  #1  
Old 27-05-2013, 00:56
OnTheStrength OnTheStrength is offline
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How do I deal with a sibling who hates me for being an addict?

The wonderful truth of my little sisters point of view of her big brother has just come to light. Not even 2 minutes ago the truth has come to light. "I have no sympathy for drug addicts" "you are a cancer to our mother" "will you shut the fuck up and stop talking" ... I did not want to start a fight in front of my mother so I just fucked off to my room. Now I am in wreckless mode. Good thing the only thing close to a narcotic is a bottle of rum.

Also, this explains the strange behavior of my cousins around me, and my uncle who visited today. Heroin addiction has ravaged my family and even taken the life of two of my uncles. Im afraid to admit if I could get my hands on dope I would do anything to get it, even rob some sucka I catch slipping. So I am coming here to find someone to talk me out of it. I guess that is the honest truth. It breaks my heart that my sister thinks of me like some piece of shit. I thought being in recovery she would be honest and understanding. I admit, It all started with me talking about drug experiences as if I was reminiscing ... I totally regret opening up to my sister. I don't even think I ever want to see her again...my poor mother is in the middle of this shit....god can I get a break? she talks to me like I disgust her and there is no love whatsoever....

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Topic is one which most of us can relate. Thank you for bringing it to DF.
  #2  
Old 27-05-2013, 01:37
Thirst4knowledge Thirst4knowledge is offline
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Re: How do I deal with a sibling who hates me for being an addict?

Quote:
Im afraid to admit if I could get my hands on dope I would do anything to get it, even rob some sucka I catch slipping. So I am coming here to find someone to talk me out of it.
How about remembering how hard you worked and what you went through to get where you are today OTS? I have read recent posts of yours on other threads that have been so positive about your sobriety and your hopes for the future. This is a bad day. Let it and all it's misery pass. Take it as a Test and PASS! Remember that what others think of you is not as important as how you regard yourself. Be true to yourself. Not only will you be harming yourself again by returning to a reckless life, you will confirm everything that your sister is saying about you.
You gonna give her that satisfaction?
Quote:
Also, this explains the strange behavior of my cousins around me, and my uncle who visited today. Heroin addiction has ravaged my family and even taken the life of two of my uncles.
It takes a while to believe that someone is clean after those experiences. And it sounds to me as though maybe your reminiscing was misunderstood. Can you get a break? Sure, but you have to get that break from yourself first - then others, in time, will follow and believe in you as much as you believe in yourself. It seems there is a lot of pain in your family which has been caused by addiction. You percieve your mother's reaction to you as disgust but I suspect that it is fear- because she loves you.

No-one here can stop you going backwards if that's what you want. Is that what you want? If not, fight this feeling to rebel. The person that will be harmed the most will be you.
Wishing you strength, OnTheStrength.

T4K

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Supportive and good points
  #3  
Old 27-05-2013, 02:20
Cash.Nexus Cash.Nexus is offline
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Re: How do I deal with a sibling who hates me for being an addict?

Don't have much to add to the wisdom of T4K^ but I've had similar experiences.

My little sister suddenly barking stuff in my face, I couldn't even really understand, it wasn't entirely rational. But she had to vent. It's a maxim that those around the addict, especially the family, harbor 'resentments' which can be for various reasons. But as T4K says, it's likely fear (from love and concern) that provoked our siblings.

Family members have to go through a lot of shit and addicts aren't always aware of the extent. So letting them vent and discharge anxiety is one of these things which go with the territory. And you admit you started it, so going to her later and saying sorry for the upset might be good policy.

Anyway, everything's going to be OK in due course, I bet. Negotiating your situation with straight people is as much a part of the game as robbing suckers. More-so, IMO. Be cool; all the best.


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Some rational thoughts on the perspective of family members.
  #4  
Old 27-05-2013, 02:30
ex-junkie ex-junkie is offline
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Re: How do I deal with a sibling who hates me for being an addict?

Heya. I still have issues with family members who choose not to view me as a recovered person, but rather as someone who took junk and caused pain to those around me. Living in the past and making judgement calls on me because I stuck needles in my arm 7.5 years ago.

Fuck em hey.

One important thing to note is that it takes a while for people to trust you again. Your sister is just being a fucking bitch basically, and the last thing you wanna do is get fucked up because of her - she ain't worth it! Get that little mantra going in your mind, "Fuck you, I'll show you", and then show your family the proper way that you've got your shit together.

It took about twelve months for my mother to trust me. Before that she wouldn't trust me with money or anything, not even fifty bucks to fill up the petrol tank lol. I know it sucks but they're just being human hey. The average person does not have the empathy or the brain power to separate your real being from the addict stereotype they got going on in their heads.

You're gonna have to rely on yourself to keep that chin up hey. Just accept that some people are gonna be pricks about it and shrug them off. My older brother still dislikes me, yet he has been a suicidal methamphetamine addict/alcoholic during the time I've been clean. He lost his licence twice for drink driving, had his missus walk out with their kid and marry someone else, etc - yet he finds solace in calling me out for being a drug addict, like he's comparing himself to me and telling himself he's not that bad cause it's not IV heroin.

Your mother will be happy and proud of you for every second you spend being happy and healthy. Keep the lines of communication open and if she's receptive to it, talk to her about how recovery feels. Apologise to her for things that concern you and let her know that you appreciate her support. It's the best you can do. We can only do our best at any given interval hey.
  #5  
Old 27-05-2013, 02:51
OnTheStrength OnTheStrength is offline
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Re: How do I deal with a sibling who hates me for being an addict?

T4K, nexus, ex-junkie.

thank you for your responses. After taking a few to cool down, I now realize how much of an irrational tool I sound like. I never thought of how my addiction has effected my family, especially with the heroin addiction with the men in my family. God....how awful I sound when I talk like that.

It just broke my heart when my sister said that stuff. But I never thought of what my addiction did to my family and they're outlook on me and they're rightful trust issues with me. Why should they trust me not even 3 months into my sobriety? That is something I have to earn. After speaking with my mother she is also offended at how my sister treated me, yet she also led me to understand why she might of said those things. You guys totally hit the nail on the head and I am so grateful I there are people out there who understand what im going though in this uncharted territory.

That fuck you I will show you mentality has been given more fuel, I am now more determined than ever to not talk about it, but be about it. In my heart I don't want to turn to anything to cope with life. I do want to have fun on the occasion but not at the expense of my life. I never thought what someone thinks of you will bring you to such negative thoughts...and make relapse so attractive... thanks so much for the quick responses.
  #6  
Old 27-05-2013, 03:28
SublimeTrip SublimeTrip is offline
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Re: How do I deal with a sibling who hates me for being an addict?

T4k, Cash.Nexus, and ex-junkie provided extremely helpful, sincere, and caring advice. They pretty much covered everything.

Everything they said was spot-on accurate and I hope you know that.

This won't be a long post because the information from the above responses are great enough already. I just felt the need to chime in about something real quick.

I know what your sister said sounded cruel and hurt you very badly. But like Cash.Nex said, it was out of love and concern. She doesn't want to lose you. She doesn't understand drug addiction and you should be thankful for that.

Try to mentally reverse the situation. If you were the sober one who had never had a drug problem and your little sister was addicted to drugs, how would you feel? Try to put yourself in her shoes.

I have been an addict for so god damn long and I never worry about myself one bit. But If I imagine what it would be like if shit was reversed and one of my family members was putting me through the things that I put them through, it makes me sick to my stomach.

I mean, my family members get up periodically during the night and check whether I am still breathing or not. It must be so horrible to have that constant worry that a loved one can go at anytime.

My family has said some very hurtful things to me. But when I think of the worries and pain I have put them through on a daily basis because of my addiction, I truly understand.

Just trying to give you something to think over. Your sister loves you, there is no doubt about it.

-Peace

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Wonderful advice and putting things in perspective

Last edited by SublimeTrip; 27-05-2013 at 03:29. Reason: Typo
  #7  
Old 27-05-2013, 14:21
OnTheStrength OnTheStrength is offline
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Re: How do I deal with a sibling who hates me for being an addict?

I know I have been very selfish throughout this whole process. I never once considered the position I put them in. I'll admit I have to learn to think of others rather then focus on what I want, what I want to do and what I don't want to do...my thinking is always about the easiest way out for me. That way of thinking just wont due if im going to be sober and successful. Thank you so much for the great advice

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Good insight for all users/ex-users
  #8  
Old 27-05-2013, 16:40
Cash.Nexus Cash.Nexus is offline
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Re: How do I deal with a sibling who hates me for being an addict?

Quote:
Originally Posted by OnTheStrength View Post
I know I have been very selfish throughout this whole process. That way of thinking just wont due if im going to be sober and successful.
Dude we've all been there...took me 10 years to get it and I still lapse, risking my family's peace. It's a credit to you that you got it so quick and owned the wrong. Well done and ATB for the future.

Also reflects well on Drugs-Forum, how members can help and advise each other. Great site.


Quote:
Originally Posted by SublimeTrip View Post
I mean, my family members get up periodically during the night and check whether I am still breathing or not. It must be so horrible to have that constant worry that a loved one can go at anytime.
Yeah I used to get similar; if I hadn't been seen for a while (8 hours) then people would stress, thinking I was lying dead. Now, it's my bad for doing heroin at home but I would tell them there was more danger driving to get drugs than doing drugs, basically. People die all the time in auto accidents but that is viewed differently somehow. It's not really logical but whatever.
  #9  
Old 27-05-2013, 19:02
velmaroxmysox velmaroxmysox is offline
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Re: How do I deal with a sibling who hates me for being an addict?

OTS,
Two points can more or less sum up every user/ex-user's relationship with the world in general. The depth of meaning is amplified for family, close friends, and significant others:

1: Everyone is self absorbed.
Its not necessarily a bad thing. The only perspective you can truly understand is your own.
It takes a bigger person to remember that while they are thinking about how, for example, their sister lashing out is hurting their recovery. The sister is only thinking that their sibling doesn't love them, or their family enough to "just not" be an addict. Everyone wants to be more important, more loved, ect. and from their perspective the addict is choosing their DOC over them.

2: The best revenge is success.
The cold hard truth is that in their eyes you will ALWAYS be an addict. They will always second guess what you say. They will "hide the good china" when you are around, so to speak. The only way to deal with this, and not lose everything you have worked for during your recovery, is to stay the course.

About four months ago, my sister screamed at me, over the phone, for slightly more than six hours. Every possible transgression since i left home (2007). She felt as though I abandoned her (I got stationed overseas for four years). She felt that i did not love her because I had and ED relapse (my family does not know about my use), in her eyes if I loved her I would "just eat"... Long story short (my experience is off topic), I listened. After years of a tense and very forced relationship we had a brake through. My sister and I now talk about other things, and have regained the relationship we both need from each other.
Listen when the ones you love lash out. You are recovering from your addiction, but so are they. There is a certain amount of "Fuck them all" needed to not take what they say too personally, but it takes a lot of "Shut up and take it". Your addiction hurt them too, and now is the time to let them ALL have their peace with you and your addiction. As much as it sucks to have the "whole world" on your case this is a vital step in the recovery process. This is your chance to mend broken bonds. Give it some time for the dust to settle, and then take your turn at explaining your side, I suggest not yelling or trying "make" them understand. Just let them know that you are struggling with an incredible foe, and that at no point was your addiction because you did love/care about them.

Though more than a little long winded, I hope this helps. The road to recovery ends when you take your last sober breath. Keep fighting, and of course we (all of DF) got your back

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Too many generalizations - "They will always".. "..every user/ex-user's relationship".. "You will always be an addict", second to last sentence is strange.
  #10  
Old 30-05-2013, 11:22
rosielee rosielee is offline
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Re: How do I deal with a sibling who hates me for being an addict?

cant believe you have just come up with another mirror image issue of mine!! my sister has gone back to freezing me out aswell

fuck em

take my late mums advice- who was a recovering alcoholic for many years- stick with those that accept you for who you are

the judgmental people- who expect perfection......let them go.

you are who you are and you are beautiful just as you are,....with a bit more work lol
  #11  
Old 30-05-2013, 11:31
WoodyCA WoodyCA is offline
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Re: How do I deal with a sibling who hates me for being an addict?

OnTheStrength: This is all stuff you've heard in prior posts, but I'll echo it and be one more voice of someone who has lived through what you are living through now. Time will cure your sister. You didn't get better in an instant--she won't get better in an instant either. Give it some time.

My brother who is my best friend on this Earth went THREE ENTIRE YEARS without talking to me. Three years. That was in 1993, 1994 and 1996. He is my best friend today and has been for over a decade. I'm not saying it will take your sister 5 years to turnaround but I am saying that she loves you and is confused and hurt and mixed up and there is nothing *you* can do directly to unhurt her, unmix her and make time pass faster.

Just do your thing, get better and give your sister time. It will work. Even a few hours makes a difference. Days, weeks, years of you being better and her not having to get you at the police station, or see you in court, or hear about you doing x, y or z "bad thing" from a friend. Those "good years" are powerful just like the "bad years" and this will get better. This will get better.

It will get better, dude. Hang in there.

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Great advice. Constructive, supportive, realistic.

Last edited by Phenoxide; 13-09-2013 at 20:17. Reason: post restored
  #12  
Old 30-05-2013, 16:56
OnTheStrength OnTheStrength is offline
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Re: How do I deal with a sibling who hates me for being an addict?

Thanks woody,
After reading all the comments and support, I realize the only brother she really knows is the drug addict lunatic. Deep down I know she loves me, or she wouldn't of bailed me out of trouble all those times. I don't even know the clean person I'm supposed to be but I'm getting to know him again everyday. So I know this will be a process of "well, lets just see".

I instantly expect everyone to praise me for getting clean, but I'm expecting to much to soon. I still have a mountain to climb, but im half way there. Thanks for all the support on the subject guys.
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Old 30-05-2013, 22:28
ShakeJaunts ShakeJaunts is offline
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Re: How do I deal with a sibling who hates me for being an addict?

dude they love you. like you said this addiction has just ravaged your family. you just need to work to gain back there trust and understanding. it will come all in time. hang in there, stay strong. Give Em Hell!
  #14  
Old 31-05-2013, 10:33
desparatepartner desparatepartner is offline
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Re: How do I deal with a sibling who hates me for being an addict?

OTS firstly, well done for getting this far! i have never had an opiate addiction but i have been on the other end and people often do tend to focus all the attention on getting the addict well etc with often little thought for the destruction that is left behind for families.

my partner said something similar to me once when in recovery about expecting a bit of praise... see the problem there is that i praised him many times in his attempts at getting clean, i was praising him sometimes and learned later that he was still off his face, i felt a fool. after many attempts at getting clean then family members can start to loose hope, its human nature really and to outsiders it just becomes 'the same old story'.

the more addiction goes on, the more people around come become angry and as each relapse that goes by the harder it becomes to stay hopeful and motivated... especially when families/ partners are consistently told that theres nothing they can do, its in the addicts control. do we just wait around then till our loved ones decide they are ready to be clean? watching the path of self destruction in a lot of cases.

no once again human nature means we go through a ton of different emotions, despair, anger etc. it felt to me in my situation that i was just expected to keep the family going, control the bills, clean, look after the kids and wait for my partner to come to a point where he was ready to drop the drugs and rejoin us as a family, when hes on opiates hes a completely different person and this hurts more than you can imagine to 'sober' people who just want there loved one back, safe and well.

my partner is clean at the minute, has been for nearly 3months. hes had to show me! i still cant let go off all the feeling of resentment because it all went on for so long that i become used to living that way... i become used to not trusting him, questioning everything he did, being distant with him because he was with me. its not only the addict that has to readjust to life, its those surrounding... learning to trust again mainly. im still controlling the finances because in previous attempts i let the reins of too quickly and he was using our family income to fund his habit! i will not allow this to happen again.

please dont take any of this in the wrong way, its not meant to sound like im having a dig at you, i just wanted to give you some perspective from the other side, its my partner thats had the problem but id have behaved the same way if it were my sister.

honestly well done on getting this far, please dont let all this discourage you, your sister is just going through the motions. you can show her and in time she will come to see that your making a real effort and things will get better. no 3 months isnt a long time, but its been long enough for me to see that my partners making an effort, im still around, if i didnt care/ love him then i would have walked a long time ago and for now that the best i can offer as far as encouragement because of all the hurt ive endured. ive said this before, hes lived all this last year in a warm fuzzy bubble... ive lived every second sober, taking the strain while he escaped life over and over.

best of luck for the future OTS xx

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Great incite to the perspective of someone dealing with a loved ones addiction.
  #15  
Old 31-05-2013, 15:01
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Re: How do I deal with a sibling who hates me for being an addict?

There are 2 types of people in my family, there are the drunks/addicts ( or as the other side affectionately calls us Scum of the Earth) and the Holier-than-thou crowd who knows exactly what EVERYONE should do to FIX yourself, and they don't mind telling you about it (forget THEIR shortcomings). Anyway, I think you get my point. Unfortunately for the last 10-15 years I am the ONLY surviving drunk/addict, so, lucky me, I get EVERYONE telling me what to do, and how to do it.

Fortunately for me my husband recognized this charming characteristic of theirs. My mother even went so far as to set up an appointment with HER shrink, NOT an addict, (and crossing a HUGE professional line, can you say conflict-of-interest). Then he had the unmitigated gall to stomp on another ethical boundary and they discussed what I had said, without my permission!!! Too bad I was just a kid at the time (out on my own, to be sure, but my judgement was swimming upstream against the booze at the time. NOT my finest hour.

Anyway, it messed me up big time. I STARTED with trust issues, this just launched my inability to trust people to a whole new level. However, there is an up side, my husband, who had been in and out of treatment centers most of his life, he seemed to FINALLY be "getting it", many years later, when it became obvious to me that I HAD to do something, he knew enough about lots of the area treatment centers to pick the perfect one for me.

I do not have any idea why it worked out this way (actually I do, there are no coincidences). At this particular place EVERYONE involved with the place from the President on down to the drivers etc was in recovery. It allowed me 24 days with NOT one person who could not related to what I was going through!! What a gift!! Remember NO ONE that has not experienced addiction can possibly hope to understand us.

I had a LONG way to go, but I did learn that it IS NOT as simple as They made it out to be, and no one spoke to me as if I were some stupid kid that couldn't be trusted with even the most minor tasks. True to their form, they were waiting for me when I got out, attitudes intact, but at least I did not feel SO alone. That loneliness I had known all my life. I finally fit in somewhere and there were people who had done this before me. Now don't misunderstand me, I had ZERO confidence in my ability to get and/or stay that way, but I KNEW I did NOT want to go back to that HELL I came from. That was almost 12 years ago, and, have no fear, my mother STILL asks me if I am going to a meeting today, they are VERY important, you know.

It occurred to me fairly recently that imhave a HUGE resentment against the Holier-than-thou crowd, and any non-addict who thinks they KNOW what is best for me!! That I need to work on. I hope your sister comes around, but even if she doesn't/can't just know there are plenty of us out here sharing your pain. Good luck, keep us posted!!!

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Success stories are excellent motivators. Great addition to the thread.
Thank you for sharing that very personal success story.
  #16  
Old 31-05-2013, 15:56
velmaroxmysox velmaroxmysox is offline
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Re: How do I deal with a sibling who hates me for being an addict?

Expert- By far one of the best recovery post I have seen yet. So few can say I beat it, you can too. It is an invaluable reminder that recovery is achievable. It so often seems to be an unreachable goal.
  #17  
Old 31-05-2013, 18:01
reef88 reef88 is offline
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Re: How do I deal with a sibling who hates me for being an addict?

The best thing I can say to you is to forget about opiates. The simple phrase "Im afraid to admit if I could get my hands on dope I would do anything to get it, even rob some sucka I catch slipping." raises a lot of concern about your future. You sound like if you do get your hands on heroin, you're gonna be a full blown "junkie". Of course I can't be 100% sure, but it does sound likely.

Please avoid contact with drugs, and people who use them.

It has already affected your relationship with your sister, even if she thinks drugs are the devil or whatever, that's how she sees it, and that's how she's gonna treat you, like you are doing the worst you could be doing.

If you get into it and develop an addiction, of any kind, it will escalate and your mother will find out about everything, and so will other people, including relatives and neighbors and just random people you see in the streets, they will all know you're on drugs.

When you say you don't want to ever see her again, I don't think you mean it, I think you think you mean it, but you don't. I've been in the same position with my brother, the hate disappeared a little over a week later.

I want to address this sentence "she talks to me like I disgust her and there is no love whatsoever". Let me give you the truth, she is fucking pissed and disappointed in you, maybe more than you think, because she can only show so much, but the rest of the anger and disappointement is inside her. But she does love you, that's why she's acting the way she is towards you, if there was no love whatsoever then she'd just act like she didn't give a shit.

I honestly think you should consider not doing any drugs, because it's ruining your relationship with your family, even if you think it's your body and mind and you should be able to do whatever you want with it, it's still gonna ruin your family relationship.

I can relate because I have gone through the exact same thing with my brother and my mother, and my father who has not been here as much but he's been there when times get tough. It took me a few years to realize that it's just not worth it. Just live a normal life and have a good relationship with your family, you'll be much happier that way, I guarantee it.

OP, I'm sorry, somehow I didn't get that you have been a user for a while now, so I've been told. I've never been addicted to opiates in my life, there isn't much I can tell you from experience that will help you. All I can say is, like I said before, fix your family relationship. If you need to detox or go to rehab, whatever it is to get your family to stop saying the things you said they were saying to you, because it seems like it hurts you, and everybody is hurt right now, you by what they're saying and them by what you're doing. All I can offer, as a non opiate user (and I don't even know if I should be doing this because honestly I don't know how much help my words can be), is to get yourself cleaned up and move on with your life. Have a healthy relationship with your family, you'll also be able to develop other relationships, friendships. I'm really sorry I can't be of much help, because I can relate to being in your position with your family and I wish I could be of more help.

Best of luck.

Post Quality Evaluations:
though not harmful, this post would be better if based on the entire thread
Honest and supportive post

Last edited by reef88; 31-05-2013 at 23:43.
  #18  
Old 05-06-2013, 07:32
longboard longboard is offline
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Re: How do I deal with a sibling who hates me for being an addict?

Infinite wisdom in this thread, lurke mode is usually my deal but felt like writing a tad tonight and your thread spoke to me. It encapsulates the idea that the journey is the destination and without that knowledge, you lose the moment and essentially the people around you if you are waiting for them to be something you think they should be. Now, if you were as you suggested, doing anything and everything to cop then you are in violation of the ethos set forth earlier. And everyone suffers. But with your commitment and efforts at staying clean, your sister is losing her brother not to addiction but to her own - pride? Ignorance? Anger? Stay the course and in time her journey becomes her destination or she will have her own sufferings independent of your (hopefully erstwhile) dope days. All the best to you and thanks for letting me jot down a few words.
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Old 05-06-2013, 17:58
rosielee rosielee is offline
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Re: How do I deal with a sibling who hates me for being an addict?

ha ha!!! yes me too..i want people to praise me for being clean....when i should be like it anyway. sucks....how people cant come along on the journey with us.




we dont really want praise - we want some support and help is what we want.

take my late mums advice- who was in recovery for many years from alcoholism- stick with those that accept and appreciate you. it will feed your self esteem and your recovery. judgmental family members can cope with polite conversation only.

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