Just started using heroin & I don't know how to stop
A little background info, I've always been hard into opiates. I'm 19, and I started when o
was 11.
Well, I quit using
for a while. But I've slowly been getting back into Oxy and hydro. I always told myself I'd never get into heroin. I tried it for the first time 4 days ago, just as a "one time thing".
I've now gone through 3 bundles since then... What the fuck
do I do? I don't want to do H, and I can't stop myself. I've always had self control issues, but never like this. No matter how hard I try to not buy another bag, as soon as one is gone I get another.
Sorry if this thread is pointless, I just can't tell any of my friends and family about my use and I had to get it out...
I hope you're doing OK now. I understand that there are times when you have to express something and there isn't really a place or person to direct it towards. I think a forum like this can be a good place for that because people here are likely to understand where you are coming from.
I just thought you should know that someone heard you.
Imagine the you of a year, or even five years in the future looking back at your post above.
Would you be able to view it in the context of:
1."I wish to hell that I'd pulled back there and then. If I had I wouldn't find myself in the mess I'm in now."
or:
2. "Thank fuck I didn't keep doing that. I'm glad I stopped, and had the wisdom to know that it was the right thing to do."
There are numerous members here (far more experienced than I in this matter) who may well advocate the "you" of #2. I'm hoping that some of them will chime in with their views and perspectives.
My own view is that you have the opportunity now to decide against using more. Whereas if you persevere, the reinforcement of habit and physical addiction will become more ingrained placing you in a less powerful position than you are in presently to make a truly rational decision and stick to it.
You mentioned in your post that you'd quit using opiates before. What made you stop then? If it was the case that you quit because of a desire to avoid the tyranny of addiction, then would it be possible for you to draw on those emotional resources again?
All the best to you.
Last edited by Smeg; 30-04-2012 at 21:54.
Reason: Additional
From my experience with addiction: My personal suggestion... keep doing heroin and get very very addicted. Just do you're best to employ harm reduction at all times...eventually the misery will become so evil that it will result in one of several possible outcomes:
a) You will die (highly likely using street drugs which are cut to shit and impossible to measure a proper dose of)
b) You will learn to control the addiction... this is possible although VERY, VERY difficult and will more than likely be too late by the time you wouldve learned how to use in a way that works for you and allows you to function "normally" or of course the WORST possible outcome
c) You will get sucked into the 12 step disease-for-life pardigm and spend the rest of your life a confused mess relapsing occasionally due to an addiction that hasnt fully run it's course, claiming that you are OK and actively participating in what they call "recovery" when it's clear to everyone with half a brain and clearest to you (although you'll be too scared to admit it to anyone) that the 12 steps are filling the hole inside of you bit by bit...year after year, with soooo much effort while the knowledge and memory of your M.O.C. (medicine of choice) haunts that little bit of the hole that can NEVER be filled by the 12 steps
By the way, please don't bash me for this.. I understand it's a rather uh... uncommon view of addiction. This is just my opinion gained from personal experience.
Lots older, lots of dead friends. I gotta go with reason4rhyme on this one.
Harsh, but if the decision was yours this would not be a problem would it?
Some alternatives bury the hole better than others, my answer was Budhism and finding the path, more work than the twelve step but I gained peace. Not the answer for most, your answer is out there too, hope you can find it an easy way and it is not death.
Re: Just started using heroin & I don't know how to stop
It's NEVER stupid to reach out for help, and or to express pain you are feeling.
You got good advice on here so far. Heroin is one of those drugs I don't do because without trying it, chances are I would end up shooting it. I have problems with hydrocodone, don't need to try the big H to find out I am right.
Just keep talking to us and feel free to join a recovery group.
Re: Just started using heroin & I don't know how to stop
my rat sort of agrees with reason4rhyme also even though she feels uncomfortable admitting this to herself or anyone else... as well as actually giving this kind of advice... however...
she realizes that if one is not ready to stop that it will pretty much be impossible. she was addicted for 8 years and finally thought she had had enough after her husband died of an abcess a few months after they got clean but she was wrong.
then she went on a binge to end her life but didn't die.
after this she really had had enough and went on methadone (big mistake) and tapered off and still suffered withdrawals for 2 months. argggg...
after this however she was able to stay clean from heroin for over 12 years.
recently she has been chipping and this time however she already is starting to feel tired of it which took her over 8 years the first time.
there is some truth to be said about the 'getting it out of your system' and she admits that no stopping or tapering were possible for her without quick relapses until she was ready to quit.
however as mentioned above this is a huge risk. you could overdose or die from some evil cut; you could end up in prison for many years; you could end up a thief or a drug dealer or just ruin your health like my rattie girl did.
so weigh the evils and take this very seriously. it actually sucks to be addicted to anything.
Re: Just started using heroin & I don't know how to stop
just don't buy h anymore.
tackle the problem. don't live in denial it will only create bigger and bigger problems. like a life of misery on h. living chasing the dragon. it sounds cool but just reading about it makes me feel like shit. living it should be even worst. especially after rock bottom.
chocolatecake added 4 Minutes and 35 Seconds later...
this obsession with getting more h is just ur mind trying to block ur real pain. ur mind is too occupied with "lets get more", it suppresses the real issue. i would say paranoia has the same origin.
i am not a psychologist. i speak from experience.
chocolatecake added 6 Minutes and 40 Seconds later...
if u have no idea what the problem is, then wait for it to come to you. keep that thought in the back of ur head. swim also recommends trying lsd NOT abusing it. try it once a year because it can be a total mindfuck the first time. u need time to recover. u could also go to a psychologist if u have money. i would strongly recommend this, if u don't have time to figure out the problem on your own. there is nothing to be ashamed off.
Last edited by chocolatecake; 29-04-2012 at 22:50.
Reason: Automerged Doublepost
Re: Just started using heroin & I don't know how to stop
Don't expect to find an easy answer here, or anywhere real junkies speak honestly. Unless they have experienced addiction, most "experts" are not. And even a few of the so called experts who have been stung, have forgotten, or forgotten how to be honest.
That is the main problem, the cause of this mess that the war on drugs has created of this nation, and some of those that surround it. Failure to be rigorously honest...
First and formost, all opiates are opiates. Heroin, Vicodin, Oxycontin, they are all the same bird, with slightly different feathers. Like wine, beer, vodka, it all comes down to the same thing, just a difference in how fast it is releases into your body, and how long it stays there. Street Heroin is only more dangerous then an oxycontin because you don't know for sure what the exact dosage is, and what other garbage is left over from uncomplete aceatilization, poor extraction, or just plain greed (cut), etc..
Of course, you can't ignore [although everyone seems to] the dangers of the high amount of toxic chemicals that are compounded in many of the prescription medicines abused either, such as the tylenol (APAP) in Percocet 7.5/500, which is toxic at 5grams a day (ie 10pills at 500mg per pill every day causes liver damage, fact.)
But once you have taken the plunge, and you find you can not, or will not stop, I don't beleive a single one of us has ever suceeded in stopping all by ourselves. No matter how much will power any individual tries to exert, they can not do it alone, no matter how special Mommie told them they were.
Once you can admit that, you have taken a big step.
Reach out for help, ask someone you trust, ask god (any god will do, find one). I promise you, if you are sincere in your desire to stop, and can make that one little step, it will come. (Might not be as easy as you would like though...) To get help, just reach out and ask for help-...
Just don't reach out to law enforcement, that is the only thing that is proven NOT to work!
Re: Just started using heroin & I don't know how to stop
It seems like you're doing everything you told yourself you wouldn't do. And I would bet that your habit is gonna grow bigger and stronger if you don't do something radical. Delete all phone numbers of contacts that can get you Heroin, stop hanging out with druggie friends. Cut everything related to opiates out of your life, now. If you don't, you'll live a very pathetic and depressed life, you'll lose everything.
Basically, find another way of life, get busy, get a job, go to school, do whatever, and in your free time, get together with a clean and nice girlfriend (a girlfriend always helps getting clean) or some clean friends, and watch a movie and drink a couple beers. Live the healthy life, instead of sitting around thinking of ways to get money or dope 24/7.
Re: Just started using heroin & I don't know how to stop
Well, I haven't bought a bag since last night. What I'm about to say shows pure stupidity and is known to be dangerous, or deadly, so try not to ride me too hard as I know what I did was extremely moronic. I really do know better too, so you might get an idea what I mean by self control issues.
After the bag was bought, I decided to go to a party with a few friends. I got extremely wasted, really fast(as I was on H). My stupid ass decides to go to this kids kitchen and grab tin foil.. And proceeded to smoke heroin in this kids house. I've NEVER smoked any drug, besides weed. I always refused whenever a friend asked me. The worst part is, nobody that was there knew I had been doing H, so it was basically a big "what the fuck?" when I walked into the room with tinfoil and a straw. I lost a couple of good, close friends last night because that(along with like, crack and meth) is one of the few things they won't tolerate.
So pretty much, I got drunk and decided to smoke H infront of a bunch of people... And lost good friends over it. I've gone almost 24 hours without buying a bag now, and plan not to get another one, ever. I did do an OC40 today just so I wouldn't be a mess, but I'm going to try to slow down my use of everything. Probably not stop, as I haven't had a problem with anything as I tend to mix things up now(I'll do oxy one day, then adderall, then something else, then get drunk, etc.) but that heroin fucking scared me. I should have just gone by what I always have, and never touched it.
As of now I have no intention of doing it again. Thank you everybody for your kind, understanding and helpful replies. I'll report back to this forum if I ever do happen to go stupid and end up into it again, but for now I think i'm alright. Just going to continue my normal shit and hopefully I'll stay cool.
Re: Just started using heroin & I don't know how to stop
Quote:
Originally Posted by StonedStupid
Well, I haven't bought a bag since last night. What I'm about to say shows pure stupidity and is known to be dangerous, or deadly, so try not to ride me too hard as I know what I did was extremely moronic. I really do know better too, so you might get an idea what I mean by self control issues.
After the bag was bought, I decided to go to a party with a few friends. I got extremely wasted, really fast(as I was on H). My stupid ass decides to go to this kids kitchen and grab tin foil.. And proceeded to smoke heroin in this kids house. I've NEVER smoked any drug, besides weed. I always refused whenever a friend asked me. The worst part is, nobody that was there knew I had been doing H, so it was basically a big "what the fuck?" when I walked into the room with tinfoil and a straw. I lost a couple of good, close friends last night because that(along with like, crack and meth) is one of the few things they won't tolerate.
So pretty much, I got drunk and decided to smoke H infront of a bunch of people... And lost good friends over it. I've gone almost 24 hours without buying a bag now, and plan not to get another one, ever. I did do an OC40 today just so I wouldn't be a mess, but I'm going to try to slow down my use of everything. Probably not stop, as I haven't had a problem with anything as I tend to mix things up now(I'll do oxy one day, then adderall, then something else, then get drunk, etc.) but that heroin fucking scared me. I should have just gone by what I always have, and never touched it.
As of now I have no intention of doing it again. Thank you everybody for your kind, understanding and helpful replies. I'll report back to this forum if I ever do happen to go stupid and end up into it again, but for now I think i'm alright. Just going to continue my normal shit and hopefully I'll stay cool.
This is all very good to hear of course, and I'm just trying to be a realist here not an asshole so bear with me.... I have personally done things like what you have described above and then proceeded to allow myself to BELIEVE that the shame I felt in that moment would deter me from my drug use. Once, when I was homeless and a good friend of mine was letting me couch surf like the bum I was, I decided it would be a good idea to steal a bottle of Vicodin from his grandmother. I'm not a big opiate person and I mighta popped like 2 of them (had i succeeded) and sold the rest... I got caught, kicked back onto the street and of course..the worst part: NO MONEY, NO VIDOCIN, NO FRIEND. The shame i felt was what I believed to be my "rock bottom" and final lesson.
I have since been on decently hardcore runs with both methamphetamine and AM-2201...both coming closer than I am comfortable thinking about to killing me. You've tasted the ripest of forbidden fruits from the tree of knowledge and quite frankly... I've not heard of many people who've tried I.V. heroin and stopped shortly thereafter without doing it again at some later point.
That's why I was so straightforeward and unconventional in the wording of my first post... You want the addiction to get bad... IT WILL SUCK! The light at the end of the tunnel...If you can make it there.. is a wonderful place to bask. The medicine... WITHOUT the addiction. Addiction is basically required IMO to reach this level of drug use... employing realism, a healthy fear of your drug, and of course ALL of the harm reduction techniques that are available and practical for you. Most importantly... and this is where addiction can go really bad, you have to TRY VERY HARD NOT TO DIE. This may sound obvious but addiction has a way of causing a longing for death.
Re: Just started using heroin & I don't know how to stop
Quote:
Originally Posted by StonedStupid
After the bag was bought, I decided to go to a party with a few friends. I got extremely wasted, really fast(as I was on H). My stupid ass decides to go to this kids kitchen and grab tin foil.. And proceeded to smoke heroin in this kids house. I've NEVER smoked any drug, besides weed. I always refused whenever a friend asked me. The worst part is, nobody that was there knew I had been doing H, so it was basically a big "what the fuck?" when I walked into the room with tinfoil and a straw. I lost a couple of good, close friends last night because that(along with like, crack and meth) is one of the few things they won't tolerate.
You know you're in a really really dangerous place right now. Your drunken mind might very well have had you do that in order to let people know that you're out of control & need some help, BAD.
Maybe after the shock of seeing you do Heroin right in front of them wears off, some of your REAL friends will contact you & ask you what the fuck is going on.
I dunno. It's hard to accept help when you don't really want it. Even if you, say, go to detox & get into a treatment program...if you're not even close to ready, you'll probably relapse. I'm not saying don't try - always keep trying, you never know when it might just 'click'...
doG-willing, you'll find a way to ask for and accept help before you end up in jail, the psych ward or dead.
Re: Just started using heroin & I don't know how to stop
swim was in the same boat as you and was addicted to H for 1 year.... his connect dried up so he switched to buprenorphine and is living a productive life so far
Re: Just started using heroin & I don't know how to stop
Well, a few days of no opiate use what so ever caused me to feel confident that I wouldn't fall back in hard. Damn was I wrong. Yesterday I went "all out", for me anyway -I'm sure anybody who really uses would see my "all out" as a joke.
Anyway, I felt that because I hadn't used and didn't really have an overwhelming urge that it would be safe to get one bag and spread it out. Again, damn was I wrong. I made one small line, did it, felt ehh. Ten minutes later I made a line double in size, did it and felt pretty good. Then decided to start smoking it, almost finished the bag doing hit by hit(take note that this is only my second time smoking). Finished the last little bit via insufflation.
Was feeling damn good for a while, then decided I needed more, but I was broke. I then sold my last 2 1/2 packs of Marlboros, which are over $10 a pack where i'm from, to my "dealer" aka "friend" for another bag. Ended up finishing it all within an hour or two(I don't know if this is a long time or short time, so someone let me know). All in all, I am in fucking love with H but I can't do it anymore. I've [somewhat] learned to control myself much better than I used to, but I know for a fact that I will develop a serious problem if I continue to use.
Again, this wasn't me using out of fiendish or addict ways, I just thought that since I went a few days without using any sort of opiate with no problems that I'd safely be able to get one bag and use it sparingly and enjoy myself. All I ended up doing was getting way too fucked up and pawning my last few packs of smokes that should have lasted 3 days to get more of what I was already fucked up on, that only lasted a few hours.
So all in all, I can not responsibly use this substance. I don't think I will have a continuing problem as I haven't touched it or even wanted to do it today after my actions last night. Well, I can't say I didn't want to do it, as it makes me feel more amazing than pretty much anything else I've ever done. But I pretty much have no desire to do it because I realize what I will become if I do continue to use it. I think I have a good handle on myself and I'm glad I recognized that I can't continue to use it before I developed a serious addiction which more than likely would leave me unable to stop.
But again thank you all for your knowledgeable replies of fact, personal experience, and opinion. That is exactly what I was looking for and exactly what I recieved. It's seriously amazing to be a part of a community that is actually educated and caring about the individual, as I've been on some forums similar where people are ignorant and basically just narrow-minded assholes. You guys are great and I seriously appreciate every one of you who responded with caring words instead of biased, judgemental responses.
In reply to whomever said to avoid druggy friends[sorry i'm a little lazy to look right now as it's difficult to do while on my iPod], that is exactly what I plan to do now. My so called "friend" really is just trying to get me hooked so she can make money off of me. Every couple bags I bought got more expensive and SMALLER. So fuck her. I don't need influences like that in my life, especially since she knows better than any other person how bad I can become when it comes to opiates. So I will no longer be associating with her as what she is really doing to me is the most low-lifed, grimey things you can do to your so called "best friend."
Again, thank you all. I wish I could reply to all of you but I feel as if I've already typed a five-page essay so I'll leave it at this.
Re: Just started using heroin & I don't know how to stop
Quote:
Originally Posted by StonedStupid
Yesterday I went "all out", for me anyway -I'm sure anybody who really uses would see my "all out" as a joke.
Stop minimizing & rationalizing your use. You ARE really USING HEROIN. HEROIN!
Quote:
Originally Posted by StonedStupid
Was feeling damn good for a while, then decided I needed more, but I was broke. I then sold my last 2 1/2 packs of Marlboros, which are over $10 a pack where i'm from, to my "dealer" aka "friend" for another bag. Ended up finishing it all within an hour or two(I don't know if this is a long time or short time, so someone let me know). All in all, I am in fucking love with H but I can't do it anymore. I've [somewhat] learned to control myself much better than I used to, but I know for a fact that I will develop a serious problem if I continue to use.
Heh, wait until you're so fucked up that you really think it's a rational decision to forgo having an apartment & that it makes perfect sense to instead spend the $1000/month (+ utilities!) you would have put on rent towards Heroin & you'll live in a cemetery, and then in a tent in the woods instead. You'll *WISH* you even HAD cigarettes to trade for dope.
You already DO have a serious problem with Heroin, which will only continue to get worse. You're already in the grips of a psychological addiction; it's like you've just met this hottie you would've thought was WAY outta your league, but she's ACTUALLY TALK TO YOU! So you're ALL wrapped up in her. These relationships rarely end well, and it's the same with Heroin.
I dunno how to answer the "timing" question. I used to get "a bag" (about half a gram, iirc) & do about 1/3 of it & be wrecked for a good while. I'd do a bag in 24 hours, basically. ETA:I forgot to mention that I came into doing Heroin with a hefty opioid tolerance to begin with, from years of being on opioids for chronic pain.
Later, when it progressed to some hardcore IV usage, I'd split a bag with my boyfriend & if I was lucky, I'd catch a nod with my high, chill for an hour or two, then go find more money before the high wore off to finance the next bag. So after ramping up to a few bags a day sniffing, I levelled out at a bag a day IV...but only because I couldn't really afford more, what with being homeless & jobless & being strung out & only able to think 10 minutes into the future. :/
Quote:
Originally Posted by StonedStupid
Again, this wasn't me using out of fiendish or addict ways, I just thought that since I went a few days without using any sort of opiate with no problems that I'd safely be able to get one bag and use it sparingly and enjoy myself.
ahh...but that *IS* your fiendish/addict brain, trying to tell you "no, it's fine...you can handle yourself...you won't end up like all those OTHER junkies...you'll stop before that happens...you have self-control..."
Which, as you already know, is a bunch of fucking lies. Stick to your guns, hon - there's nothing but pain & trouble ahead if you continue down this road. The worst part is, it might not even happen right away, leading you to think you have it beat, you have it under control, it's not really a problem. For instance, I didn't immediately do my first opioid, or even my first dose of Heroin, and immediately lose everything. I held it together in a quasi-functioning addict manner for a few years before the shit hit the fan.
Anyway, trust the part of you that tells you you're unable to handle Heroin & having a life.
Wishing you all the very best life has to offer (which you can't see if you're stuck in a dope addiction! ),
Re: Just started using heroin & I don't know how to stop
Haha I do already have an apartment, Kailey. And I also had my addiction "under control" for years up until I was 18. Without going into too much detail, I pretty much fucked my entire family over and was forced(not chose) to move out. They were very understanding and extremely polite about kicking me out but I know, fact, in the back of their heads they were holding back the "GET THE FUCK OUT!"
But anyways, I do have a problem with control and that's basically why I made this thread, I was freaking the fuck out over my use. And I understand the first line of your post loud and motherfucking clear, but (not making excuses/defending myself whatever) I really learned a damn good thing or two about self control. I haven't touched any opiates(again) since my last post above. I'm not going to make the same mistake as before, though. Maybe a few hydros eventually, but I think I have the willpower to not touch the H again. I stopped talking to my so called "friend" that supplies it, she's quite pissed but eh whatever.
A lot of the stuff in your post is very eye-opening, although some of it is seemingly offensive. Though I'm sure it's more of a tough-love type deal, seeing as what substance were talking about. Heh. But thank you.
Re: Just started using heroin & I don't know how to stop
Stonedstupid, you seem to have a pretty good understanding of your situation. It sounds like you've got some shit to get through which won't be a walk in the park (in particular, I hope you can fully reconcile with your family), but the fact that you recognise the problems means you have hope.
I'd say with your age and sporadic use, you're still in a position where you have a choice about what happens to you in the long-run. And given that you seem intelligent and articulate with your posts, I tend to think that you're going to make the best of it.
Even if you, say, go to detox & get into a treatment program...if you're not even close to ready, you'll probably relapse. I'm not saying don't try - always keep trying, you never know when it might just 'click'...
