Off of the Opiates (longish)

[greener]

Alright, well here's my story...



I've done a lot of different types drugs, but never liked any of them,
with the exception of those in the opiate family... After
experiencing nearly every opiate, I found what I thought was all the
happiness in the world: poppy tea. Best of all, it was easy;
though the drug is illegal, all the ingredients and supplies are quite
easy to obtain legally AND cheaply. It was so easy, in fact, that
I kept poppy tea as a very closely guarded secret. I did it for
two years without a soul finding out, and I sure as hell didn't tell
anyone. I could function quite well on it -- better while on than
off, actually. While dealing with some immense mental health
issues, it seemed to make things okay, or at least make the world not
seem quite so daunting. Needless to say, use became daily and
remained that way, my dosage increasing substantially as I
went... Still, none of my friends found out (and none of them
would have been understanding of such things, so that's good), not even
my girlfriend (of nearly 4 years, still going)



Then, my parents found out. I was just getting ready to move out,
and I was discovered. So, I quit. Withdrawal was absolute
hell, but I made it through. The problem was, I knew in the back
of the mind that I didn't want to quit. Everyone thinks you feel
better after a successful kick, right? Not true at all...
Everything in my life became impossible to deal with, and I lost
interest in even my strongest interests. It didn't take too long
for me to break down and rationalize the situation... I thought,
"Well, I'm not strong enough for life without my filter. What are
my options?" The only two that I could come up with were suicide
or using again... I did this several times, and could always stay
clean until something came along that shifted my world and I didn't
know how to cope. In all, I was addicted for about 4 years, and
all the while, poppy tea was my drug of choice. Sometimes this
was only 2 weeks, at its longest it was just over 5 months -- and after
returning to use after my longest break, I realized all the things that
I'd previously kept in the back of my mind...



I didn't ever use the drug to get high -- in fact, I avoided drugs that
got me high, as I don't like the feeling of not being functional.
That was the precise reason I used for so long -- it MADE me
functional... All I wanted was to feel normal, and that part of
me hasn't changed. Now, however, I feel that I must be normal
without this crutch, as all the lying and deception I've performed in
its name have become too much to bear. I am still very in love
with my girlfriend, and knowing that I am too chickenshit to let her
know about these issues is tearing me up inside. Beyond that, the
fact that I have this complete secret from everyone has made me wonder
if I will ever be able to be the compassionate, intelligent, funny, and
kind person that so many believe I am, or if that person is merely a
product of drugs.



So, I took my last dose six days ago, and my resolve to find that
person has made any withdrawals seem so minor that they went virtually
unnoticed. I know the resolve is only temporary, however, and
that while I can stop using this drug on my own, I can't stop being an
addict, and that side of me will be able to rationalize future use, no
matter how far down the road. So, tomorrow morning I begin
outpatient treatment, to learn how to deal with the inevitabilities of
sobriety and perhaps see the ways in which I can still be the same
person that the drug made me. I am scared as hell, and I have no
idea how I'm going to manage a job and treatment (3x / week), but I
paid in advance so I'd be damn sure not to find a way out.



Sorry about the long post, but once I got going, it was hard to stop,
especially since this was the most lucid and coherent I've ever been
while sober. And I'm only going to get better....


Edited by: greener

[Yassy]

well done !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


i think half the battle is actually getting the nerve not to start the day with your drug of choice


it is scarey but it can be done,,i done residental treatment(rehab) for 5 months the first time and 6 months the last time,,i had afew wobbles but now a few yrs clean but i do like a spliff in the evening


i hope you succeed and there may be times where you think that everyone is talking bollox but they are trying help


take care

[daveman]

yeah after doing a drug so long you think you need it to become normal, and that is when you get fucked. because you wil do what you ahve to inorder to get it. you have to learn to like life sober, although it is better on opiates, since they are the best drug out there.