Addiction - Needle Relapse

[Probing Tranquility]

Tonight Swim got a 40mg oxycontin and shot it. Now swim told himself he wasn't goint to shoot up except on special occasions. Swim could have snorted or ate it but the needle is just too tempting considering swim hasn't shot up in 6 months or so. Swim feels a little guilty because he couldn't say no to the needle but at the same time felt like he deserved a little treat for staying off it for so long. Swim doesn't think it'll happen again soon because he only has enough money for one more and then he's livin poor until payday. Swims really fucked up though, it's taking like 20 min to type this shit, he forgot how awesome shooting oxys feels. Swim guesses he doesn't feel too guilty because he would have taken it one way or another but he still can't or has a very hard time saying no to the needle.

[Ilsa]

hmmmm...swim was off shooting H and oxy for about 6 months when she went back to see friends in FL (she had moved to get away from it all--see profile info for details) and of course it was all there--as she knew it would be. swim got ridiculously high for the whole week she was there, and def enjoyed shooting again, but like swiy, was pretty broke after that little bender...swim went another 4 or 5 months before shooting morphine a couple weeks ago....she thinks it is possible to do this occasionally as an occasional treat, but this is what works for her--some ppl do need to abstain totally. if swiy has quit for awhile and thinks swiy can quit again for awhile, chances are swiy can learn to use this way only occasionally (it does wonders for tolerance as well), so swim would say to use that guilt/being broke as a motivator for balancing use to where swiy can work using a couple times a month into swiy's budget (swim is a weekend user, but stays away from needles for the most part, since she's had issues with them in the past) and avoid getting dinged financially...that was a motivator for swim to start cutting back and restricting use for sure swim still probably spends too much on her opiates, but the bills are all paid, there's food in the fridge and gas in the car, so all in allswim has come a long way in budgeting her use....hope this helps; swim jst wanted to let swiy know there are others out there who have been through the guilt and all that--swiy knows swiy's self and what swiy's boundaries are (or can figure them out) better than anyone else. the key to functional using is not lying to one's self about when and why use occurs. best of luck and namaste.

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Good point.

[Probing Tranquility]

Originally Posted by ilsa

hmmmm...swim was off shooting H and oxy for about 6 months when she went back to see friends in FL (she had moved to get away from it all--see profile info for details) and of course it was all there--as she knew it would be. swim got ridiculously high for the whole week she was there, and def enjoyed shooting again, but like swiy, was pretty broke after that little bender...swim went another 4 or 5 months before shooting morphine a couple weeks ago....she thinks it is possible to do this occasionally as an occasional treat, but this is what works for her--some ppl do need to abstain totally. if swiy has quit for awhile and thinks swiy can quit again for awhile, chances are swiy can learn to use this way only occasionally (it does wonders for tolerance as well), so swim would say to use that guilt/being broke as a motivator for balancing use to where swiy can work using a couple times a month into swiy's budget (swim is a weekend user, but stays away from needles for the most part, since she's had issues with them in the past) and avoid getting dinged financially...that was a motivator for swim to start cutting back and restricting use for sure swim still probably spends too much on her opiates, but the bills are all paid, there's food in the fridge and gas in the car, so all in allswim has come a long way in budgeting her use....hope this helps; swim jst wanted to let swiy know there are others out there who have been through the guilt and all that--swiy knows swiy's self and what swiy's boundaries are (or can figure them out) better than anyone else. the key to functional using is not lying to one's self about when and why use occurs. best of luck and namaste.

Thanks for letting swim know not to feel too guilty, the prices of OCs definatly limit how much swim could do them plus the rarity of finding shootable pills in swim's area is a bitch(this is the first time swim has seen a 40mg in 6 months at least). Its either vicodin, percocet, tramadol or codeine(with APAP or not). Swim doesn't want to go back to shooting everyday because it pretty much consumed swim but swim feels he could only do it once or twice a week if the source is constant, but chances are that the source will dry up pretty quick so swim might just enjoy himself while he has the chance.

[fiveleggedrat]

Swim feels tempted to stick just about everything in a needle (pills, no less.) Swim luckily manages to convince himself to avoid it though. Swim understands, once one starts with a needle, it's hard to put down.

It's all about convincing oneself that the needle is ultimately not worth it and more destructive. Needles def. do create an element not seen in other modes of consumption.

[Ilsa]

^^^ very true. shooting is a whole other beast. if swiy really wants to do this right now, then swiy is going to do so. not the end of the world, but hopefully a learning experience and a reminder as to why swiy stopped iv in the past. as swifive. said "once one starts with a needle, it's hard to put down." swim is not trying to tell swiy what to do here, just suggesting some things to help in gleaning more awareness of swiy's self and making a 'relapse' constructive in a way (however small). swim does know hw swiy feels--the aforementioned incident a couple of weeks ago was damned fun, but swim also left some marks and had to watch herself @ work til they healed. all in all, swim has decided that for herself, as fun as shooting is, she'll only do it on very rare occasions (a couple times a year)--it's not worth the risks in terms of health (swim's hads are stiff and swollen in the morning or after typing for long periods due to poor circulation. her forearms, while not noticibly scarred externally, are still damaged internally from all the holes she poked in her veins on a 2 month spree of daily use last year.
swim thinks, and this is just her opinion based on her experience, that being a functioning user is an uphill battle to begin with, and throwing needles into the mix makes it harder, but if it's possible one way then it's possible another adn perhaps swiy is cpapable of that sort of iron will (swim is far too impulsive, just limiting herself to weekends is just grrrrrrowl most of the time )

so those are all swim's semi-random, undercaffeinated, just-woke-up-and waiting-for-coffee-to-brew thoughts on the subject (apologies for any redundancies with earlier posts too. swim repeats herslf too often as a result of teaching college freshmen, who must be told eveything at lleast 3-5 times lol). swiy will probably go ahead and enjoy him/herself, and that's ok. just be safe, and try to learn as much as swiy can--and there is much to be learned about one's self and the nature of one's use by honest self-observation.

so ends swim's early-morning diatribe. best of wishes and let it be known how it goes for swiy!

namaste