I am lost....putting cocaine use ahead of family.

[reggiemental]

This message goes to the ether. To stick within forum guidelines, let us say that i am "hypothetically" on cocaine (again) right now. To continue in "hypothetical" suggestion, I am finding myself in this condition more and more. I am not only attracted to the oblivion that cocain provides, but I am also often keen to accrue downers such as vallium too. At the moment, nothing sparks the flame of desire in my brain so much as the thought of "non-thinking". I'm enjoying life in the areas where there is no life.

I have a daughter (6) - a wife (of 4 days) and a job (which i enjoy-ish). The truth is, and it is a terrible truth, that I do not think I enjoy my home life. I am selfish, so much so that my own happiness and comfort ranks that above my own childs. I am forever telling her to leave me alone while I entertain my own interests over hers. My wife is loving, caring and devoted.... but I can never bring myself to reward her for such things.

I am constantly irritated by my daughters constant attention seeking behaviour. This attitude is, I know whole heartedly, detestable. However, it is only now that I see this to be true. Tomorrow I will be come down. Tomorrow my anger will rise and my patience will die. I will be the awful father once more.

I need help. I am not a religious man (very far from it actually - my atheism is for want of a better word, devout) but I consider this to be my prayor. Please understand me.

My hopes are to achieve motivation over my laziness, destroy my selfishness and find peace and patience.

Anyones advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Heretic.Ape.]

Meditation could potentially be quite good for you. Nothing to help with being "lost" as being as "right here" as possible. It is "non-thought" at it's best. It helps a great deal for some in being more patient and sympathetic/compassionate toward those around them as well in improved level of contentment and relaxation.
Another component is the old "fake it 'til you make it" approach. Not giving your wife enough encouragement and TLC? Go out of your way to say and do nice things for her even if you don't feel it; one lesson of psychology is that feelings are as influenced by behavior as vice versa. Annoyed by your kid's constant desire for attention? Always ask her what she's up to; what are you playing? etc and not only will you start actually being more interested over time but she will probably start getting sick of you and leave you alone, lol.
Just a few thoughts. All the best,
h.a.

[RAFAX84]

First you should gradually start reducing the dose of the downers....slowly take less and less and then quit......then you should find something to do....in my case I started going to the gym..this helped alot it makes you feel good and you release some toxins in your body that build up over time.....after doing these 2 you should feel better and feel like doing blow less often....and dont feel bad about yourself if you dont completely quit....feel good about the positive ..hope this advice helps a little