How can I help this person????

[beena]

SWIM has been a crack-cocaine addict for eight years and addicted to prescription painkillers (MST and tramadol) for roughly two years. More recently she has had trouble with heroin. However, recently things have been improving for SWIM: she has the love and support of a fantastic bloke, a small but tight group of friends who she really cares about and believes they care for her. Plus she is lucky enough to come from a good home, with parents that are both still together, love each-other and would do anything for SWIM at the drop of a hat. SWIM has come to really appreciate the people she has in her life right now and as a result she has found her own troubles improving/lessening. She’s cut down a lot on the drugs she takes and is taking methadone regularly and seeing a drug-worker too. At the moment drugs are still a very big feature in her life but she can see a day when that is no longer the case.
So this thread is not about SWIM as such, but SWIM would like to ask advice on how to help the person who has helped her so much in the past and who she really loves and appreciates his love in return. This person though is rather a troubled soul: SWIM has always known this but it has become even more apparent or obvious of late.
SWIM would like to know how to help her boyfriend. She has been with ‘M’ for 8 years and most of their friends/ people who know them would say that they are a pretty tight couple…which SWIM believes they are….
M has been addicted to crack-cocaine for at least 15 years (maybe more). He started using drugs when he was just a teenager. He comes from a very troubled background: He grew up in care and was sent to a school for ‘maladjusted’ boys. He got in a lot of trouble and eventually was sent to a type of borstal I suppose. At that school he suffered fairly horrific abuse. The staff were brutal and beat up on the kids regularly: M was only 13 when he went there: no angel, but he certainly didn’t deserve that. He was only there 3 years. At one point the sports teacher kicked M so hard in the bollocks that M was hospitalised and had to have a serious operation. Yet social services (who, I believe failed M abysmally), sent M back to the same school. Not long after M ran away and never looked back…..well, until recently.
The police arrived on our doorstep one night looking for M. They wanted to discuss the abuse that he and other boys had suffered at the school, after one boy had rang the police after seeing a programme on telly about abuse in care. I convinced M to talk to the police as I really felt it would help him. In the short-term it did seem too….but then the charges against the teachers (I won’t call them ‘men’, cos they aren’t real men in my eyes - no real man would beat up little boys for fun) were dropped. The reason they were dropped wasn’t down to lack of evidence but because most of the boys who were abused (some sexually too btw), had grown up to be ‘disturbed’ individuals (surprise, surprise), and many have criminal records. The CPS were worried what a jury would think if all these criminals took the stand. M was gutted cos he wanted justice.
However he did get some financial compensation from the headmaster of the school (he was made to pay out about 50 grand to around 30 boys - some of whom he had buggered repeatedly. M got £3000 for his injuries. It was never about the money - M just wanted justice. But the money was something at least and we even managed to go away on holiday together with it. It was the first time M had ever had anything. He made sure we got away from where we were living so we didn’t blow the only thing he’d ever got legally on drugs.
When we got back and the money was gone the solicitors who’s dealt with M’s case asked him if he wanted to look through his social services files. They said there were 2 massive files of paperwork - reports and stuff written about him as a little boy (from the age of 2 until the age of 18). The solicitor said that if he read it he should get a psychologist to be there with him and go through it with him when he did. The solicitors were supposed to organise this for him but like so many things he was let down once again and couldn’t get the funding. However he still insisted on getting his files. SWIM was worried - she knew this could be hard for him. M read his files and he then asked SWIM to read them. He actually seemed to get some perspective from them…M hadn’t been in contact with his mum for 16 years - he had blamed her for a lot of stuff that went on in his life but in his social services file he read that his mum had refused to let M be put into foster care cos she didn’t want to lose him. M realised for the first time that his mum actually did care about him and this spurred him into looking for her. SWIM put his and his mums details on genes reunited and within 6 months he’d made contact with his mum. All this happened a couple of years ago now. Last year M and SWIM met up with his mum and it went really well.
So…whats the problem u might ask…well, SWIM and M continued to use drugs, although they were always trying to stop. M funded both of their habits through crime. Unfortunately (and SWIM isn’t proud of this - and nor is M), M has been a ‘professional’ shoplifter for the last 10 years. He’s quite good at it too. But his luck ran out recently and in the last 18 months he’s been caught about 6 times and sent to prison three times. The last time was only for 28 days as M had to go into hospital and the magistrate took that into consideration when sentencing him. Whilst he was away SWIM was attempting to get herself clean…but she really missed M, so she decided one evening to get his social services file out and read it (to feel close to him, I suppose). When M got released the file was left out on the side and he started to read it again. SWIM knew that M’s confidence had taken a knock recently with prison and everything but she didn’t realise how much. M sat and read the file from cover to cover. Just to give you an idea the file contains reports from his social worker that says things like ‘ this is the most disturbed little boy I’ve ever met’ and ‘seriously disturbed from the age of 2’, etc. It’s just peoples opinions at the end of the day but all of a sudden M has taken on board all of this stuff and concluded that he’s a really terrible person. He won’t talk to his friends anymore cos (to quote him) ‘I’m not worthy of their friendship’ and he hardly talks to me. He doesn’t want to go out and he says he can’t see the point of anything. This morning SWIM found him sitting alone in the living room crying….SWIM really loves M but she doesn’t know what to do….I know this thread isn’t exactly about drugs or recovery but both SWIM and M are in the midst of all this trying to get clean…..has anyone got any advice they can give SWIM????

[Spare Chaynge]

many people are in recovery in this form... for gods sake get professional help please.
Your boyfriend is on the edge. It sounds like swim did right before he got clean and sober.. In patient rehab would be the best. This is a miserable life to lead. Their is really nothing you can do but get a professional.
god speed.

[just curious]

Just be there for him and continue to love and care -------

[ex-junkie]

in swims experience, the best thing a partner can do is to listen- but only if they want to speak. showing him that swiy loves him, and being there for him will help to make him feel like he is a worthy human being.

its a really tough issue to face. not just for swiys bf, but for swiy too! swiy doesnt need to go out their way to validate swiys love for him, but instead find ways to gently reassure him he is a worthy human being, and that his upbringing is in no way a reflection on himself.

if swiy finds him sitting alone crying, swiy doesnt need to say a thing, just hold him in swiys arms and stroke his hair. just by being there, it reinforces that he is loved and cared for, and sometimes this all they need.

he has a lot of emotions pent up inside, and the drugs are clearly masking them, so remember not to force him into any emotional situations where he is being "forced" to talk about his situation, on the flipside, make sure he understands that he can come to swiy and talk without any judgement. swim is sure swiy does this anyways....

its a great sign that the pair of swiys have been together for this long, especially seeing as he would have a fear of abandonment, so perhaps just being there through everything is helping him to deal with things better than he would have on his own.

make sure he is happy with whatever professional he chooses to speak to, because some of them are condescending, and try to force unwanted emotions out of you. swim finds this counterproductive, and believes that for some people its healthy to not get right to the bottom of things. not to be taken the wrong way, but people only benefit from this when they are ready.

[missparkles]

Jesus, what a horrific childhood. Swims heart goes out to you.
There is little swiy can do, just be there for her BF if he needs to talk.
But this is "major" psychological shit, and as such not something anyone but an extremely well qualified therapist (be it psychologist or psychotherapist) should attempt to unravel.
Swim thinks the person in question sounds severely depressed so getting immediate help for this would be top of swims list of priorities. Then a referral to either a therapeutic rehab, or at the very least weekly counselling sessions.
Swiy also has her own well being to consider too, don't let swiy get bogged down in all of this, swiy needs their own space to recover as well.
This is a difficult time and it's possibly going to get harder. Swim says this because she too had an extremely abusive childhood and knows the range of emotions she went through dealing with this.
If swiy needs someone to chat to, swim is usually online as swim is normally writing assignments or researching future assignments.
Take care and good luck, both of you.