i'm not what i was but what i wanna be again.

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i realize i am the only one with the answers but i really would just like someone to talk to. for the past 2 years i have been strung out on uppers, downers, and more than anything painkillers to the point i have misplaced most of my feelings. i'm suprised i haven't sold the computer i'm typing from right now for a buzz. i've pissed away the best job i will probably ever have, most of my family has cut off contact from me because i've spent so much of their money or stole from them or blamed them for my problems, i don't have a job because i won't go to work next time i get dope sick, if i'm not high as i can be i am a paranoid emotional wreck who freaks everybody out. i am a fuck up for a living. i wake up in the morning looking for ways to make quick cash so i can buy drugs. then i get high, smoke cigs the rest of the day and dwell on the past. this is not my first taste of addiction but it is defiently the worst i have had to deal with. im hoping i am not homeless by the next time i log onto drug forums but who knows. i should have enough money for the clinic in the next few days so hopefully it will pull through. the withdrawals scare me shitless. the pain sucks but hey at least im not constipated anymore.

sorry for rambling. heres a song by a guy named brooks buford i'd like to share. it somes up my thoughts i am having. i just want to feel like me again and be able to function and be happy at times and expierence life. i always thought there was something terribly wrong with me and although there may be a mental condition most of all it is my attitude that is so terrible. i would never wish this hell on my worst enemies. take care.

circles all around my eyes, i've lived so many lies
be a man and take your beating
get back up and try again
hit the streets and try to win
take the beauty with the ugly
thats the way it is buddy
been a long time, out of line
trapped inside my fucking mind
running with the devil across the county line
but i can't blame no one, i dug this hole i'm shot in
i cut out everybody til i cut myself completely out the picture
drown my soul and lift the system
im not what i was but what i wanna be again
put me back up god, i wanna see my friends

Reputation Comments on this post:

	pure pity
	wicked poem btw....liked your post too: very sincere and honest...i hope you make it...

[steveovbmth]

I read your post and thought i would give you a few ideas from personal experiance, i was a heroin and tranquilliser addict for 18 years and most of that time i spent searching ways to get off drugs. You are right the answers are within you to get clean but its tapping in to them resources that prove difficult. The only way to beat an addiction is to change the way you think. I did this through Narcotics Anoynous, now you may of heard of this you probably have, and if you have never tryed it you are probably rubbishing it already. But its this simple, how much do you want to be clean? what lengths are you prepared to go to get clean? for me i was willing to do ANYTHING, no matter how painful, no matter what it was, i wanted to be clean so much that i would have done absolutley anything. Thats the question you have to ask yourself. its no good only half wanting it as it will not work. When you are ready go to a meeting and go to one every day for 90 days and see what happens, dont listen to what your head is telling you as the addictive part of your mind will rubbish it at every turn to try and keep you in active addiction. If you want to be clean this IS the answer, its not religious mumbo jumbo all it shows you is a spiritual way of life and if you give it chance it does work i promise you. I have tryed everything to get clean and tryed it a thousand times over without success. This works for me as it does millions of others round the world but only if you let it. Your addicition will never get better it only gets worse you will lose more and more as you continue and eventually you will probably lose your life, i hope you find a better way to live because there is one i promise you that. Just ask yourself- How much do i want this? Recovery is out there you just have to go find it. Good luck in your search, God Bless x

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why did i recieve positive rep if my post was "pure pity?"

[y0ssarianlives]

Hey man... do you have health insurance? If so, I would suggest getting on methadone or suboxone maintainance. Good luck to you man, I've been there many times and am in a similar state now, and methadone probably saved my life. Look into it.

If you're in the UK I have no idea how the health coverage works which I really should know as it's probably better than the way the US works for health coverage and expanding knowledge is good.

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swim has been taking methadones off the street for 4 months now and he is tired of them. he will just handle the w/d's, get another good job, and will hopefully manage his partying next time. he realizes he has a problem but he is not beyond help.

[RashleySmashley]

SWIM understands well what SWIY is saying. A point has been reached in the addiction induced path to hell where SWIY knows something is wrong; that things arent the same anymore, and its like ya wake up one day and realize that ya are a completely different person than you were, and this new version isnt exactly a perfect model. LOL metaphorically, like goin from a mercedes benz to a pontiac lemanz without realizing you switched cars! And oh shit now your transmission just blew the fuck up! And SWIY didnt even have his eyes open, didnt even know he was trading cars months before. Just in search of a little fun, wanted to go over the rainbow to eutopia.
The only way to escape the cycle once one is in too deep is detox, which may mean a few days inpatient rehab, but SWIY can always switch to outpatient after a couple days. Ceboxin is suppose to be less harmful, quicker dosage time, and easier on ya than methadone so maybe SWIY could go for that. In the states welfare will most def pay for rehab, esp if opiate receptor block meds are needed cuz they consider them necc life support, and SWIY will prob get deemed disabled so theyll be helpin SWIY the entire time in outpatient.

Read if y'all want, brief of what to poss expect if goin sober

SWIM was an evil hell-bent bitch the first 3 days of detox, stuck in a mindless fog, talkin to Drs, shrinks, soc. workers, back to the top and over again, feeling as though SHIT was being accomplished! Then SWIM woke up day 4 and while thinking about her road shed taken, was hit hard realizing what the fuck shed done to herself, her loved ones, her life and opportunities, and especially how fucking close shed come- again- to being permanently in the sky. Or in hell, gate 9, more like! And it was fucked up for her to look in the mirror and see how she looked compared to before the rampage began. She got mad that no one told her how she looked, but only for a sec; cuz she realized that ppl DID tell her, she just never listened. But basically, normal (kinda sorta) reality came back and SWIM could finally see 20/20 in the past and what she'd thrown it down with.
Its a fucked up thing to see that for a long time, much of SWIMS reality was just a fucked up trip like Alice in the Looking Glass Mirror. Kinda frightening to see that everything became an altered nightmare version of life, and crazy to realize that something SWIM was so in love with became awful and sickning and a ball and chain. SWIM cried for months trying to fly to a higher altitude and was too stupid to realize that shed hit her peak elevation while back, couldnt understand why it didnt feel good anymore!; nowhere to go but back down, and Eutopia isnt a place u can live in cuz it doesnt exist. But so obvious things couldnt be seen, detox literally was the only thing that opened the eyes.
Eventually all the wacked out chemical levels in SWIYs brain will plane out and happiness over normal shit will return. Its a fuckin bitch though. For real its like an enormous impossible mountain in front of SWIY to climb. Just dont look up, SWIM guesses. Love each day, SWIM keeps tryin to keep that in mind cuz its easy to forget after while. Support from family/friends was so fuckin crucial too, really made SWIM realize that living in the fast lane with no helmet isnt just your risk, they really did care and it finally showed clearly. SWIM saw she was still a selfish cunt, even though she thought she was beyond that mindset. Dying it turned out, wasnt just SWIMs problem to worry bout.

AAHH sorry to BS bout what so many have seen and done SWIMS sure, just wanted to give SWIY sum help. No one will EVER understand y SWIY r the way SWIY r, except for SWIYs fellow fallen ones. SWIM gets angry daily at ppl who nag and bitch and roll their eyes at the struggle, their the ones who dont try to get to Eutopia and cross the line habitually in life. Fundamentally different, theres no point they just cant see the same.

Good Luck!