Kratom for pain and worries about dependence

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SWIM was a serious heroin addict 5 years ago (had done it for 10 years, but only seriously physical dependent for 5).

Swim stopped taking everything except perscribed stimulants (SWIM was diagnosed withh ADD at age 7, whether or not he has it, he has always had difficulty concentrating, following through on tasks, etc...). Stopped the stimulants 2 years ago, as SWIM realized that they were making him more anxious than anything.

2+ years ago, SWIM developed some serious pain issues due to muscle tightness and imbalances. It was tough for SWIM to stand without pain. The pain was filed under the all purpose title of TMJD, as it began w serious pain in the temporalis muscle and worked it's way down swims face, neck and back. SWIM was over come by the pain and the feelings of helplessness and hoplessness that came from iut. SWIM tried various non chemical solutions, which barely helped.

Swim began taking Benzo to relax his muscles but was warry of them and was dealing with an asshole chemical addiction specialist/shrink (ie, he felt it was better for me to knobely suffer than become addicted to chemicals, completely discounting the fact that S#WIMS pain would have led him to suicide and possibly a nasty opiate addiction. What a fuckn prick). What benzos swim took, he didn't abuse and take higher than recomended doses, and only got RXs when the pain was unbearable. Still, SWIMs asshole DR. called SWIMs cranio-facial pan treatment center and convinced them SWIM was full of shit and scamming them. Asshole Dr. said SWIM was 'drug-seeking, to which swim replied "no shit!, Swim is drug seeking cause his pain is unbearable, and SWIM would LOVE to manage this problem with your help, but if you won't help SWIM, SWIM refuses to live a painful and marginalized existence in which typing on a computer key-board causes unbearable pain, and in which SWIM is unable to smile because it literally HURTS!!!".

Swim ended up DOING sketchy shit (ie going to emergency rooms when his pain was through the roof), cause his Asshole Dr. cut of his legitamate access to the much needed muscle relaxers. Thus his accusations of sketchiness in effect left SWIM with no choice BUT to do sketchy things, to which Asshlole DR. replied "see, I knew you were up to no good".

Swim had to stop going to emergency wards cause SWIMs insurance company refused to [ay for SWIMs problem, cause it was diagnosed as TMJ (dental) even though as a contributing factore. Swims Jaw was a small percentage of his pain.

SWIM does admit that Asshole had a point, ie benzos can be way fucked up, but SWIM doesn't feel the Dr. Handled the situation, so SWIM was forced to find a Dr. who sympathized, and SWIM was prescribed to SOMA, whicjhelped SWIM out BIG time, but whic SWIM could only take at night as it would seriously impair SWIM (though MUCH less than flexeril, which put swim in a zombie like state, lying on his bed unable to form sentences etc....)

So, SWIM tried out KRATOM, despite his worries about it. SWIM has been taking it since this past SEptember, cause it doesn't impair him as much as SOMA. It initially also somewhat impaired SWIM (which SWIM admits he liked). Swim was taking a very low dose, ie one teaspoon 2-3 times a day, but SWIM is now taking up to 16 teaspoons (roughly 20 grams) over the course of a day. SWIM is definitley dependant physically somewhat, but SWIM feels as if he had no choice. Better to be physically dependant and minimaly impaired than to be wracked with pain and questioning if his life is worth living (SWIM is teary-eyed as he writes this ).

SWIM has been able to finally start going to the gym and doing basic physical Therapy excercises to rebalance his muscles and spends up to an hour stretching his muscles as best as he can (without tearing something) as swims jaw and neck are so tight that SWIM cant open his mouth more than two inches without feeling pain, and he doesn't even know if he'd be able to open it more than that.

As SWIM writes this his upper back and Stern0-masculoid something or other on the left side of his neck are burning with pain.

SWIM is feeling guilty about taking this (as swim is in a 12 step program with fellows who would shame him if they knew), is worried about his family finding out for fear they would ostracize him (sadly, SWIMS family loves SWIM in a very conditional manner ),
and SWIM is worried about the day when his body is up to snuff and he doesn't need the wonderful plant anymore (probably not for a few years), as he fears the withdrawals, even if they aren't super bad (NOTHING can equal the physical and existential torture of coming off of heroin. NASTY stuff, swim feels). SWIM must also admit he likes the buzz he occasionaly gets, and even looks forward to it. SWIM occasionally says to himself "I don't need this shit, and I'm a fool to have begun taking it" and feels pissed off at and sorry for himself. Then swim expieriences fucked up muscle burning and is gratefull to have Kratom to lessen it.

SWIM is very pissed off at his Dr. and the authorities for limiting access to drugs. Sure, SWIM knows how hartmfull they can be through personal expierience, but SWIM also realizes that the puritanical way of dealing with the situation had created MANY more problemms than have been solved. SWIMS life was crappy and miserable before he quit HEROIn, but SWIM is soo fucking gratefull he never got busted as SWIM knows that his life would have gotten SOOOO much more fucked up. SWIM has managed to turn his life around, for the most part, but expieriences a creeping anxiety and feelings of guilt about taking this plant, and is very worried that the prohibitoin dip-shits will set their eyes this plant so that they can feel self-satisfied when they go to church (fuckn nimrods).

Any comments, questions or encouragement would be very appreciated

- a guilty-feeling, scared and somewhat depressed swim

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Ohhh....

SWIM almost forgot:
Swim has been re-searching nootropics on the net to help with mental fogginess caused by the plant and the pain (as pain is mentally as well as physically draining). Swim tried oxiracetam, phenylpiracetam, and found they just hyped him up and decreased his focus (he also tried various other noo-s ie vinpocetine, picamilon, etc...) Swim is deciding to give plain ole piracetam a go, in hopes that it works, but in researching it, swim came upon a article about MAgnesium and how sometimes muscle pain can be exacerbated by a Mg defieciency. SWIM had tried regular ole drugstore Magnesium supplements without effect, but SWIM found out that the type sold by them is crap. SWIM is going to order a high quality magnesium supplement along with the piracetam, so wish swim luck!

SWIM is also going to begin taking Tai-chi, as it will hopefully help him with his muscle issues.