Content Contemplation of Completion, now with less C.

[jezzmo]

Ok so yesterday I was in a second hand book shop and I found a dusty hardback journal. Blowing the smog off, it read "Anne Frank's Diary". I opened it, and out jumped a secret note, neatly handwritten with lavish ink. I quickly snapped a photo of it with my digital camera and converted it into text. It wasn't all that interesting, but was relevant to this forum area, so I thought I'd post it.

The source is unknown. Certainly nobody I've ever met.

"Self Verdict:

As much as I want to rid myself of this burden and go sleep, the fortunate outcome of this drug is that it CAN help motivate one to finish goals.

I am currently hearing house noises as much as I would on weed, though I am slightly less paranoid. I can attribute some of this benefit to the 3 longnecks i have consumed tonight.

I think it's important to write this verdict in context, to prevent future "over-scrutiny" trickery which is likely in an attempt to overturn the verdict.

On monday night I bought 2 points. Monday night I consumed and have so until tonight, thursday night. I have had less than usual amount of sleep, but nothing drastic. Approximates to 6 hours per night. I have eaten fairly well.

Tonight I thought it important to finish it all. To get more high? No, in fact I hoped not to. I wanted to, a) to finish this and b) so i was convinced when considering it in future, that this is high as it gets.

IMPORTANT GET OUT OF THE WAY STUFF:

Right now, I feel average. Nothing blissful. Nothing particularly better than I feel when I'm sober. This stuff feeds me like cigarettes if they were kinder to me. It tells me I am happier, like a cheat valve. But I don't FEEL happier.. at all. No euphoria. I feel like a bit of a dickhead. I prefer my slow stoned persona. I'm ironically slower on this, but more like a speed addict retarded slow, not a calm contemplative but messy slow.

I have consumed in my lifetime..about 2-3 grams of this stuff, maybe a bit more (high-grade clean crystal, not ice or powder). No, nothing spectacular in terms of quantity. I have had good stuff, I have had not so good stuff. This stuff was average to good. Always, by the end of the bag, I have tried to finish it as a burden (or so I have convinced myself at the time as I scurry it into my pipe ).

So to the smoke: A few shards in the glass and we're off. Lighting..the actual process of lighting this stuff is probably the most addictive part. The way these little crystals melt into the glass into a beautiful clear plasma-like structure .. only to cloud out in crisp white puffs.. inhale... it feels good. It most definitely does. Like a good bong hit should if you weren't worried about smoke, but a much clearer buzz. This is where I seem to be different to others..from this point.. I feel little euphoria. I feel light and yet heavy. The energy feels inward focused. I get a little bit anxious, much moreso in public however.

IN PUBLIC: As much as I try to use this stuff to function more (which in small doses does work), it seems to be the opposite nowadays. With a good dose in me, I feel scatterbrained and jittery. I feel like I'm more angry and violent then I really am. From what I have so far discovered (from videos and reports from friends who were unaware of my use at the time), I am in fact a lot more mellow and docile then even usual, looking more tired and sober then anything else. But inside I am worried about this shady, shaky character that everyone else is privy to but me. I feel no control whatsoever. When I try to make a joke, I end up questioning it no end, wondering if it was completely inappropriate and immoral. Objective analysis in the future though, I believe, will show that I am simply anxious as I expect to be no less than the people I have seen on this drug, in real life or on tv. In real life, I have seen very inappropriate jokes made, that seemed fine to the person at the time. On tv and from reports, I hear of violence and turmoil on this drug. None of these things seem to happen to me. I'm well known for passing out cold on this drug (other stimulants make me sleepy as well). But I am so aware of this, and topped with the short term memory loss that comes, I fear that what this drug has done to me is simply make me not realise I am currently out assaulting people. I fear that at any moment, I have done a terrible crime, but simply am not aware of it. This is not too indifferent from my mushroom-related paranoia in this respect. I cannot blame the drug. But it is a symptom of its use for me, nonetheless.

When I am sober and reflect on the use of this drug, "psychosis" is often the first word that comes to mind. It is a different world and there is no way of realising it until you come clean of it for a day or two (I don't mean to sound like an addict/heavy user here. I most certainly am not, nor have used substantial quantities of this drug. I understand my experiences absolutely PALE compared to many many others). Nonetheless it feels like Plato's cave in some ways.

I do worry about brain damage, and certainly this is an issue in coming to my verdict. Weed has changed me but it feels more like change .. rather than the destruction I feel on this. Short term memory is the main victim, as well as worsening anxiety that doesn't seem to go away.

Physical damage is actually not a concern to me at all; given my excessive alcohol and weed consumption, purchasing meth is often a way to try and cut down on those body harming drugs .. when on crystal I drink plenty liquids, eat sufficient nutrient rich (albeit less) food and clean my teeth. I also exercise more, fortunately, but also realise that my true limits are no longer defined by "exhaustion".

Addiction wise, I tend to feel strong pangs of addiction while on it. The next morning/night/<undefined time period after the fact> I often just don't want it. But if it's there I will smoke it. I usually manage small quantities, but lately have gotten reckless and fed many many high-volume pipes into the .. pipe. I tend not to get ANY comedown whatsoever, crazy considering I am sometimes extremely vulnerable to ecstacy comedowns. Once I have finished my bag, I tend to control myself and not buy any more for a few months. This has been the case for about 2 years. It is getting slightly more regular. Those little pangs of "yearn" for the substance seem to be popping up at the wrong times. Particularly when aroused, it gets me. I would hate for this feeling to get stronger, it starts attacking any feeling of self-control.

At parties, I have had good and bad on this. Moreso bad. Usually I just sit down and talk. Much more sensible. Boring, mundane cheap talk. The sort of thing I can't even consider in the normal world. I seem to do better with chicks, only because they can understand me for once and I don't babble about outrageous candle tax while eating beer coasters etc .. With enough alcohol and/or weed, I can finish sentences and make interesting conversation, but this is probably less to do with the meth. The meth simply helps the sentences end and reduces the segues to a bearable quantity.

Ok, factors in consideration: CURRENT STATE, HISTORY OF USE, MENTAL CONCERNS, SOCIAL OUTCOMES, PROCESS OF SMOKING, ADDICTION POTENTIAL

Verdict:

I have had a lot of fun with this drug. I have had a lot of average times on this drug. I feel I have exploited it enough to consider myself finished with it. This verdict was set at the beginning of this text, of course. Some drugs climb into the brain and shout out "feed me" .. some go even further and say "You know .. you should try me again .. Think of the rational reasons ... You need to lose some weight .. Those girls want a normal guy.." etc .. they play with the rational part of the brain. Tweak it to their own. I don't want to be like the media and say METH IS THE DEVIL. It plays nothing remotely like the role I see in the media, however I'm sure it has for some.

But my time with meth is done. I will let myself twist and turn the pipe however much as I want to finish the remnants. But I will not purchase any more. These words are nothing more then a goal I set. And I write these to the public as a testament to raise the price of failure just that little bit more. I am making a promise to a community. I realise this is an ego-thing, though I hope it may benefit somehow. Few know me, but a promise sticks to strangers as it does to friends. This is out there to help me stop. As to others and their decisions, I sincerely make no judgement. "

Reputation Comments on this post:

	Thanks for that post, good read
	Um....O....K!

[Sitbcknchill]

Very nice read jezzmo. Thanks for that.