Feeling much better, calmer- not ----cked. Thanks all for being understanding. Sorry to bring u down with my issues. Life is good.

I published three books independently with POD. Life is really good....despite that dude who wants to marry me. ah well. screw him.


Need more friends.

I have been laying in bed smoking....about five or six cigarettes. I can't sleep, I took six xanaxes and now I feel so drowsy and resteful. It doesn't hurt me, ...I dont think.
I skipped out on the diphenhydramine. That would just make me wacked. Although, this xanax made me feel sooo peaceful.LIke not a thought in my head...sooo blank. Hm,
I want to be: A writer, activist, film producer, and more, But I feel hopepless about it all. I think I have a learning disibility. I haven't been in school since I dropped out in sophmore of highschool, so it's not easy thinking logicaly these days.

On the bright side, I published a large book of poetry and some other cool books....

Well I skipped out oh the diphenhydramine, Although, have been craving it ( I know that's odd) sitting at home all day is really bad for the person. But I am so wasted, succh a waste, a highschool dropout, nothing.

Haven't heard back from the school in LA that I want to go to, feelling very unloved right now. I wish more people understood me, but suddenly- its like I have forgotten myself- and did that ever really matter? Losing it- I mean truly losing yourself, did it matter? What's normal, what IS normal.

Here I am, alone, in my bedroom. Starting blankly at all my sad surroudnings, this perpetual seclusion, isolation, from the world- but...hold on...what world?...

Hm, I am enjoying these Marilyn Manson videos. I am sort of really craving being f-cked up right now. I was thinking about things, the Holographic Universe, and all.
I don't know, I don't feel real right now.
I just mixed up all my songs on pandora and listening to Tori Amos, which has now changed to Imperative Reaction...ahah!
I am craving diphenhydramine, is that strange? That stuff is magical, and I know, if you wanted to acheive a gnosis of reality you'd need to lose your contact with the natural similations that you've programed yourself to believe in. I love this song.

I can't wait to be fucked up. No, I don't know what I mean. But, I want to dive into...

Swim spent all night staring at the wall, j/k. No, more like surfing the net and random things. Talking to cute strangers with no inhibition...writing...blahdehabl. Swim was sooo happy, partially because of the energy drink, partially the curing depression, partially growing up...but not sleeping is a drag sometimes. Just took a xanax, just one, for the ...blahness. One thing swim notices is that while beer sucks, wine tastes nasty, but champagne at least makes swim sleepy!! Swim is thinking about not going to swims cousins wedding. This SWIM THING is rediculous. Swim is worried someone may have stolen swims dads credit identity, had this sudden bad feeling and woke up hearing "What...

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
I have been tired....although the zoloft is helping me a lot, I feel like I am losing some passion that I used to have. Passion for dreaming, dreaming of the future...but that was even before I started taking zoloft.
I have been taking xanax this evening. So I slept well, now it's five thirty and I'm not tired one wink. I feel good too. I wonder if xanax mixed with alcohol is a good thing...it seems so. I took my ritual wine and xanax combo, and it seemed to make me feel good. Despite the hiccup spasms. haha, I shouldn't smoke. I can't smoke. It makes me stink like tar and ash, my fingers smells, my teeth turn yellow probably too. I'll get wrinkles at nineteen....

Swim's younger brother convinced her not to smoke anymore. So she threw out the American Spirits. Now swim wants to start smoking because swim is at home a lot and bored...there's not enough to do around the house. Swim can't drive.


Swim has been doing too much xanax. The xanax gets rid of all the anxiety, swim can feel normal but everything starts feeling like a drag.
Although swim is calm, the motivation for going to film school and everything has sort of left.
This is terrible. Swim is thinking of moving to LA in the fall and this almost is starting to feel ridiculous.

Although, swim has been much more stable now. There are no problems with hearing...