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Timeless Wisdom.....As Seen On A T-Shirt!

Posted 14-04-2014 at 20:18 by St Dismas Novitiate (The Frying Pan-Things Always Get Hot In Here!)

Always Be Yourself (Unless You Suck!)

Aunt-Like A Mom, Only Cooler!

At My Age, Happy Hour Is Any Hour Spent Above Ground.

Whenever I'm Caught Between The Choice Between Two Evils, I Take The One I Haven't Tried Before.

Ancient Orators Tended To Babylon.

It's Not That I'm Old, Your Music Really DOES Suck!

Heat Makes Things Expand, So I Don't Have A Weight Problem, I'm Just Hot!

The Last Time I Reached For The Stars I Pulled A Muscle.

Mathematicians Wear Glasses Because They Improve Division.

Never Play Cards In The Serengeti, There Are Too Many Cheetahs.

God Gives Us only What We can Handle. Apparently God Thinks I'm A Bad-Ass!

"Tis Better To Have Loved A Short Person Than To Have Never Loved A...
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Don't know what to expect...

Posted 30-03-2014 at 06:22 by AllAroundTheLight
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On the outside, I have everything going for me...a college undergraduate student with a 3.88 gpa, two jobs on campus, and a paid research internship lined up for this summer. On a personal level, the "addict" part of me loves the thought that he has access to legitimate drugs - amphetamines, xanax, klonopin, and ambien, all prescribed a relatively high doses (2mg each xanax and k-pin, 12.5mg CR Ambien)...I shudder at calling myself what I really am, an addict. Because some part of me had known it was true long before I really was put into circumstances that required this self-awareness.

I'm scared. Last week my psychiatrist sent me a letter in the mail saying that as of July, he would "no longer be seeing medication-only patients," which is what I was for him. No time or money for the extra therapy when the...
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Feeling blah... and more of the same crap.

Posted 26-03-2014 at 12:53 by jessilee (Starting Over-and other randoms)

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again expecting the different results.

Yes. This is so true. Yet i keep trying to get different results. And its just not going to happen. Wether its trying to change a relative or relationship, trying to get immediate results with the least amount of effort or plain old trying to get a jerk that has never tipped a dollar, after serving him half the day and listing to him bitch, to finally tip for a change.. (I keep telling myself im not going to be nice to him anymore, yet I am) I get so mad at this and frustrated cause I have to accept the things in life I cant change. But lately im stuck on the "thats not fair" train.. and I dont get why.

Ive stayed clean, yet become depressed. Loose tempered, and frankly, a bit mean. I started to hate working out cause...
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The story of two sick monkeys

Posted 22-03-2014 at 10:25 by Veritass

I have a very sick pet monkey who I have taught to type and he will be writing all future blogs and posts in the first person without my consent, permission or condolences...

Including the below, in fact this is me signing off and handing it off to him:

I joined this site over a year ago... as I believe my profile states i stumbled across this site while researching PAWS. My monkey wife and I had been opiate addicts for years, but had kicked almost a year prior with a few minor relapses... but I get ahead of myself. If you will bear with me let me start in the very beginning.

Well okay, not the absolute beginning, but when the monkeys met. For background we were both early twenties and had been sexually molested as children, after that the similarities in background were over. I had grown up on a hippie...
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To Bitch, Or Not To Bitch? That Is The Question!

Posted 15-03-2014 at 20:15 by St Dismas Novitiate (The Frying Pan-Things Always Get Hot In Here!)

Logic and rationality are like three-edged blades, and two of those edges wound the user more than the third wounds the enemy or benefits the user.

The so-called rational analytical approach embodies a fundamental flaw, a flaw which has consistently and historically either been ignored by both rationalists and scholars, or minimized. This flaw is the assumption that matters, feelings, or occurrences that cannot be described rationally or quantified objectively are of such little significance that they will not affect the outcome of the analysis. Further, such "non-rational" feelings or occurrences are all too often termed "irrational" and thus dismissed as beneath consideration.

In attempting to evaluate all too many human situations, in practical terms, there is indeed a difficulty. How does...
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What's in A Word?

Posted 15-03-2014 at 19:37 by St Dismas Novitiate (The Frying Pan-Things Always Get Hot In Here!)
Updated 15-03-2014 at 19:43 by St Dismas Novitiate

Words evolve, perhaps more rapidly and tellingly than do their users, and the changes in meaning reflects a society often more accurately than do the works of many historians. I propose that the change in meaning of one word can predict the failure of society more immediately and accurately than all of the analysts, social scientists, and historians. That critical word?

Discrimination.

We know it now as a term meaning "unfounded bias against a person, group, or culture on the basis of racial, gender, or ethnic background." Prejudice, if you will.

However, the previous meaning of the word was "to draw a clear distinction between good and evil, to differentiate, to recognize as different." In addition, the connotations once associated with discrimination were favorable. A person of...
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still clean and kicking

Posted 10-03-2014 at 06:29 by jessilee (Starting Over-and other randoms)

Wow... long day.. last day at the station. It had been 3 weeks since I had talked to Kay when she finally called. Tons of excuses. But im tired and wont get into that.

She tried to offer to find d me stuff... wow... so hard to turn down. But I did. I dont know if it was my anger at her abandoning me. My happiness with staying sober and not wanting to screw it up, Her dumb excuses, or a me wanting to use and me getting a sick feeling she has been "away" this she time and now she is a narc.. any of those reasons gave me the most sickest gut feeling I have ever had. I quickly said "no" but I battled with it in my head. Part of me wanted to say yes just to have her back in my life...

Im doing well... short blog. Just a quick update. So tired. Hope you are all well. ♡♥
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God greats with Silence and Wisdom

Posted 04-03-2014 at 04:06 by D0pe

All my life i have been trying to reach god in some way.. I always get left with silence or silence and a long hard lesson about life. I have always reached out and prayed when i am in bad situation in life... I get silence and sometimes just a hard, hard, and long lesson.

I think drug addiction is my lesson in life.. It has put me in my current circumstances that have been way better than anything i have ever hopes for..

Then again sometimes i am scared to pray for a exact solution.. Its often met with a harsh reality or situation that comes about.. I am not scared any more though, Right now i have nothing to hide and nothing to gain... But i sure do have allot to lose..

So i pray less and i am not met with the Silence of god and the harsh lessons that i get with life..

Why...
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it begins.. the fucking dreaded gain.

Posted 03-03-2014 at 05:59 by jessilee (Starting Over-and other randoms)

Starting to panic.. been busy. Havent been working out. Im gaining weight. Im so scared now. Im up 10 lbs. And it seems to be strictly in my gut.

Im distraught. And I am sitting here... 11:55 pm. 5 Mins from my 34th birthday. I am not thinking of meth. But now adderrall. I want that.. im starting to try and justify it in my head. Thinking of ways into manipulating a Dr into thinking I have ADD. How messed up. Is this like the 3 week mental breakdown ? Does working out not help after I have abused drugs? What is my body doing right now??
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Chuck Norris Vs Withdrawals

Posted 03-03-2014 at 05:49 by D0pe
Updated 03-03-2014 at 05:57 by D0pe

Chuck Norris VS Withdrawals Plus Peoples Comments: Warning Chuck Norris is watching do not insult him..



As any one ever withdrawalled from Chuck Norris Blood ? I here there is only one person to ever try it.. And it is Chuck Norris Himself... He is the only person who has ever been able to survive a lethal dose of Chuck Norris Blood.. In Theory... Chuck Norris has enough of the drug called Chuck Norris Blood in his veins to Overdose and kill everyone on the planet 50 times over.. Just 1 Nano Gram of his Blood is suspected to be still even a strong dose...

Research at Harvard University had a brief sample of Chuck Norris's blood.. The obtained it from a super top secret sample of the inside of Chuck Norris Mothers Placenta.. This Placenta is kept in a lab... As there is enough of the Chuck Norris...
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Anxiety Poem by Peggy Stewart

Posted 03-03-2014 at 01:57 by D0pe

With her head hung low
and nowhere to go

She can't explain
this mysterious pain

It comes on so fast
How long will it last

Her heart is just pounding, her head starts to spin
Please go away, she does not want you in

She's uncontrollably crying
It feels like she's dying

Her body is trembling, her hands start to shake
She feels so helpless with this horrible ache

Someone, please help her, make this go away
She can't stand to feel this way one more day

Someone, please help her, she's down on her knees
She's scared and helpless and hopes no one sees

With her head hung low
not knowing where to go

She tries to explain
This mysterious pain
...
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Fighting the craving

Posted 02-03-2014 at 03:24 by Struggling In SoCal

Down to 4 mg of methadone, aside from some physical discomfort which is to be expected, I am having a hard time mentally. I have been calling my dealer who isn't home-thank God! The nights are so hard for me.

I will be going into a medical detox wednesday or thursday and can't wait to be done with this sh**! I have been reading and reading about other people's withdrawal experiences, I don't know what exactly I am looking for...an easier way to get through this, a magical answer, hope, I don't know. I guess going through this alone I feel connected some way to others with similar experience. I'm not going to lie, I am scared, what if I can't handle it..I realize that I am on a low dose compared to others who were so brave to jump at high doses, but nevertheless I am scared to detox and even more scared to remain addicted...
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Broken heart- need advice

Posted 01-03-2014 at 04:05 by jessilee (Starting Over-and other randoms)

I am so broken hearted. I dont usually open myself up to people in real life. Im very leery, dont trust many, and I really am terrified of opening up and people going away. Thats exactly whAt has happened.

Maybe the part of me that has to have the last word, or the part of me that needs things to be resolved in order to move on is the issue... but I cant for the life of me figure out why Kay has stopped talking to me. i called her boyfriend tonight. I wanted to see how her courtdate went. He said it was pushed back. And so i proded.. asked "is she mad at me? What did i do?" He just said, i dont know. And i know of course he knows. Not only that but im sure she was sitting in the damn room. I said. Ok... guess i have nothing left to say. And i hung up.

Im hurt. So fucking hurt I cant describe it....
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They always show up when your clean

Posted 28-02-2014 at 05:56 by jessilee (Starting Over-and other randoms)

Im still sober. But the strangest thing happened.

Backing up about 2 weeks. Kay hasn't called or anything. We were going to be friends with or without the drugs we said. We had enough in common to stay sober and stay in contact. We were doing fine at it too. She started drinking really heavy. And all the sudden she stopped talking to me. Im really hurt. I dont know why. She hadn't answered any text or messages, her boyfriend would just say she is fine. When id text him, and nothing else. I know she has court tomorrow and I wish I knew how she was. But I guess this is the way she wants it. Im pretty sad cause she was my other half. I loved her. I do love her. I dont get it...

So I resume life.

Tonight is my last 2 weeks at the station. I always said I would never seek out drugs.. never. I dont...
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Rating: 2 votes, 5.00 average.

Computer Addict Truned Addict Weed is not the Gateway drug

Posted 27-02-2014 at 02:03 by D0pe

I was addicted to computers, As savant !!!!

Yea i was a baby when i started... Just a teenager who thought all drugs were bad, bad, bad and bad... I remember seeing the older kids smoke joints at the playground and i thought the stuff was the devil....

I was addicted to computers from the age of 12 to the age of 17-18 when i first started to use pot.. I would spend 12-20 hours a day on the internet and on my computers.. The only drug i was on was Adderal and i only considered it a medication for my ADHD... So i was a computer addict and i loved spending all of my time on the internet.

By the time i was 16 years old i was deep into hacking, cracking and programming.. Back then in the windows 95 days i could hack into almost any personal home computer that was connected to a dial up connection.....
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First Marijuana Cultivation - Outdoor Grow/Indoor Beginnings - Part 1: Noobin' out.

Posted 25-02-2014 at 18:31 by berry13
Updated 03-03-2014 at 23:43 by berry13 (Added pictures, Overhauled OP, Changed it to a part by part basis and not week by week.)

UPDATE - 7:05 PM (-8 GMT PST) - PICTURES ADDED AND PART 1 IS FINISHED....NOT EDITING OP BUT I DID JUST OVERHAUL IT, WILL BE COMMENTING! TONS OF PICS TO COME STILL.


Outdoor plot I selected for outdoor growing at my home in California. It's a space behind my garage and the neighbor's fence is on the other side leaving about 5 feet in between, I dug down a foot and put bricks on the fence boundary. This area is not going to get the most sunlight so my plants will live in pots for a long time, once it's flowering season the area gets 12 hours at least.


And just to be clear....Outdoor plot ends where I'm pointing at the brick...the...
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Shhhhooot. I still dunno if I am doin this Blog thing correct. Why ...

Posted 21-02-2014 at 00:39 by gooshimin

Heyyy whut up pepo? I am stopping in finally again. Man I just am far to busy. Not intentional. We lost
our 25 yr long main home to a fire. Everything gone. Another puppy gone. Husband heard his cries as he was engulfed. Then another pup, fire dept could not get to, screamed til his passing
also. Hubby had to hold me down because I wanted to go to him. His name was Buddy. He was abused dumped on our steps 2 xmases prior. He was a 2 year old Pitbull also. The pup was a 5 month old Pit named Humphrey. Terible. Lost kitties also. I could not imagine anything more aweful for me to survive thru then this kinda thing. Made it out within minutes from losing my own life and hubbies and a renters
also. They call us lucky. Hmmmm. Its hard to live with but got to go on to do better next time and keep saving other pets from abuse...
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Drug War MYTH Among Youth

Posted 20-02-2014 at 04:01 by tvedrode

Distortion 10: Current drug policy protects American youth.
Untrue. Current drug policy harms America's young people in many ways.
a) Drug policy fails to keep drugs away from children. More than half of high school students in the US graduate having tried an illegal drug. It is common for high schools in the USA and many middle schools to have multiple drug dealers operating in the school, and nearly 90% of young people say it is easy or fairly easy to buy illegal drugs.
[Source: Office of National Drug Control Policy, National Drug Control Strategy: Budget Summary (Washington DC: US Government Printing Office, 1992), pp. 212-214; Office of National Drug Control Policy, National Drug Control Strategy: 2000 Annual Report (Washington DC: US Government Printing Office, 2000), p. 97, figure 4-2; Johnston, L., Bachman,...
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Friends-Across the Miles And Close To Home

Posted 16-02-2014 at 20:41 by St Dismas Novitiate (The Frying Pan-Things Always Get Hot In Here!)

Friends. What exactly does that word mean? Not the Websters or the Wiki definition, but what does it mean to you? I suspect that, like so many other topics, it has a different meaning depending on who you are talking to. I also think that what stage of life you are in make some difference as well, but that just might be me. But lets look at this a bit more.

We all have friends, or at least what we call friends, but again, the definition depends on you. I think what we really have is a range which spans the gamut from "one and done" acquaintances to people you trust with your life, and everything in between. If you fall somewhere at or above the half-way mark, you are known as a "friend". Below that you are an "acquaintance". But then what about the various sub-divisions within that range or group?...
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Blog 2.

Posted 16-02-2014 at 18:59 by Cwb20022

So this past weekend was okay. Not great but ok. First I've had it with the goddamn snow. Enough already. This is just ridiculous. There was still snow from two weeks ago on the ground. And then another 12 inches. Screw that shit. I'm running outta places to put the shit.

Then because of the snow my check came 3 days late. Wtf mails supposed to run 6 days a week. That shit should of been here on Thursday. Well I finally got my check yesterday. And recently I've decided to give up heroin. But not without one more good high. So I got 15 bags yesterday. Of coarse not without a bunch of problems.

First the dude I get shit off of decided to pick yesterday as the day to bs. Over a year he's always good and the one day I really want it he bullshits. So I call the local junkie girl that'll get it for you for a couple...
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‘Call Me Burroughs’ by Barry Miles

Posted 11-02-2014 at 11:16 by enquirewithin

But Barry Miles’ huge, engaging, vignette-crammed biography “Call Me Burroughs” throws a bit of cold water on all aspects of the Burroughs legend. It’s a door-stopper of a reminder that while, as a writer, Burroughs led us into the eye of the storm of the subconscious, as a man he let his family and some of his friends down and spent an inordinate amount of his lifetime scoring and using drugs. Miles, who has written a lot about Beat writers, including biographies of Kerouac and Ginsberg, doesn’t judge his subject, and yet Burroughs emerges as a largely unsympathetic and sad figure.

By Matthew Gilbert | GLOBE STAFF JANUARY 25, 2014
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This black hole I'm in.

Posted 11-02-2014 at 00:20 by Cwb20022

So a year ago I was doing great. Living on my own, my own car, decent job. And basically I was able to do whatever I wanted life was good for the most part. Then my dad gets cancer. Out of 6 siblings and two brothers living with my parents. They ask me to put my life on hold and move back in with them to help out. So I quit my job and moved back in. Since then it seem like life has just been going down. My one brother is a drunken crackhead. The kind that'll steal everything he can. My other is an Iv heroin users. Who basically remains in a nodding state all day. They both smoke and mooch like a mother fucker. Besides not doing shit all day.

Now I live in a relatively normal household. My dads a hard worker and my mom works at a church. We got dogs and cats and all the normal shit in a small town. Over the years I've grown...
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The little blue light

Posted 11-02-2014 at 00:14 by jessilee (Starting Over-and other randoms)
Updated 11-02-2014 at 01:31 by jessilee (changing title)

Sorry, but this one may be a bit long...

My biological dad has been calling me the last cpl days... I never answer his calls. I used to always answer due to the fact that my 61 year old father lives with my 96 year old grandpa. And I worried that something happened to Grandpa, so I would answer. Only to be either greeted with his drunk slurring "fuck you" or his pity party.... crying how he needed money from me, or needed me to write a letter to his latest judge for a State of adjudification, promise to do nothing wrong, only to end up in front of the same judge a month later for either the same charge, or something involving alcohol... Writing letters for inpatient programs, treatment centers, workhouses, or this latest one to insurance company for a free gym membership... which isnt that bad even... but...
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been a bit

Posted 09-02-2014 at 10:24 by jessilee (Starting Over-and other randoms)

Been a bit since I wrote in here. I had several drafts going but... I just didnt feel posting it. Sobriety has been hard. And emotional. I felt sorry for myself a lot. Deep in self pity, and plain old bitchy. So I decided to keep that to myself.

Both my dealer/friend decided to get sober together. We said we had more of a connection than just the drugs. It wasnt keeping us as friends....so I thought. Now I care so much about her. But her problems dont seem as easy to help with out the drugs. I dont have the answers. And I've felt more wore down than ever. The constant yawning... its pretty messed up. I eat like a starving person, till my stomach hurts and I could puke. But I still have the urge to eat more. Ive tried to keep it in order but the candy....I just cant get enough. And to be honest- I have eaten till I puked....
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Dreary Days

Posted 08-02-2014 at 20:25 by Ryda

Well, even though I said I wouldn't do it again, I double dosed the exact same amount as last week. So my last dose was Wednesday @ 11 pm, and my pick-up day is Monday @ 10:30 am(Stupid holidays!!). The past day and a bit hasn't been bad at all, like I have said, I'm usually okay until 50+hours after my last dose, although I do get the chills/sweats and it is harder to sleep, although I do usually sleep well, until the night before pick-up. Thankfully, I concocted a plan which worked flawlessly. So today I woke up feeling a little worse than usual, and I started thinking about the times (at least 5 or 6 times) that my pharmacy has accidentally shorted me 1 day worth of methadone, and every time I caught onto it, I would just go back and they would give me the correct amount, no need to look at my bottles, no need for a dr. note or anything,...
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