View Full Version : Quotes - Oxymorons & Bizarre Questions
why is it called lipstick if they can still move their lips?
if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to hear it, do the other trees laugh?
can you imagine a world without hypothetical situations?
does killing time damage eternity?
if people from poland are called 'poles' why aren't people from holland called 'holes'
(post any NEW 1 liners here, please)... cheers, -d-
i more from steve wright: "i was driving around the other day and saw a sign that said 'cautious - children crossing' i slowed down for a second and then thought, fuck i'm not scared of them".
When you read the morning paper, Does you pet bird wonder why you are staring at the carpet?
radiometer
15-08-2005, 02:19
Why do we park on a Driveway and drive on a Parkway?
Why do people go around saying they found Jesus? As if Jesus were
lost?! And if he is lost why is everybody following him? - sum dude on
def poetry lol
Why is a package taken by boat a "Cargo" and a package taken by car a "Shipment"?????Edited by: Cure20
Nostradamus
10-09-2005, 22:44
Here is some more Steven Wright:
-If you melt dry-ice can you go swimming and not get wet?
-I recently got a sky-light installed in my apartment, the people that live above me are furious.
-I filled my humidifier with wax, now my room is all shiny.
-One time I got kicked out of a movie theater for bringing in my own food. My argument was that the concession prices were outrageous, and that I hadn't had a BBQ in a long time.
-I know when I'm going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
-I spilled spot-remover on my dog, now he's gone.
-I know this guy who is such a procrastinator, he got a birth-mark when he was three years old.
-Sometimes I get amnesia and deja-vu at the same time.
If you lick air does it get wet?
Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
Bad spellers of the world untie.
Friction is a drag.
Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?Edited by: Cure20
MrCheese
30-10-2005, 19:00
If you bang two horses together, do they make the sound of a coconut?
ambrosius
02-11-2005, 03:42
What I'm about to tell you is true: I just lied.
*points up* Look! A dead bird!
ambrosius
07-11-2005, 03:14
Exerpt from a recent conversation:
"Back in middle school, there was this sign near the school that read "SLOW children ahead"...while waiting for our ride one day, we just walked around in front of it pretending to be retarded."
lol only on drugs.........................!
MrCheese
07-11-2005, 19:56
Health is merely the slowest possible rate you can die.
ambrosius
08-11-2005, 03:41
lol only on drugs.........................!
Only on dramamine can you get in a shouting match with your Rice Krispies.
lol only on drugs.........................!
Only on dramamine can you get in a shouting match with your Rice Krispies.
hahhahahha!http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley36.gif
If u put money under the pillow u get teeth.
tre2005be
06-07-2006, 11:24
Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain And check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastard.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.