The way it feels - A poem

[VincentVan]

I feel bad.
God how bad I´m feeling.
Just like a stone rolling down a slope
it knows it will break down when it will hit the bottom
and the bottom is getting near.
It waits that someone passing by
for boredom or anger would kick its pieces away
yes. that´s what it waits for.
Like an empty packet of cigarettes
Thrown in a rainpuddle by a careless passerby.
It splits, it decomposes;
soon the wheel of a truck will pass over its rotten paper
And it waits for it.
Sweaty hands and empty mind
the eyes fullwith tears and the mouth with vomit
I cant sleep on the unmade bed
The smell of myself shakes my guts
I light a cigarette but it makes me run to the can
I finish to puke and I look at myself in the mirror
I wish I could lough
To lough in my face.
Like an actor after a giant flop
he gets back to his room and looks in the mirror
alone
He has lost
I have lost.
Like an egoist lover who did´ntkinow how to give himself
justly abandoned
Like a stupid Midas with his useless treasures
his useless ideas
his useless projects
his loves: Thousands , but finished
his dreams : sweet, but fakes
of real now only the fear is left
The fear of more pain
the fear of feeling bad.

Shivers shaking my back
teeth biting the lips
fingers pressed to the temples
When the telephone decides to ring
"Hi buddy . How are you?"
"Very well thanks, how ´bout you?"

It´s good sometimes to be hypocritical
It´s like to make love to a woman you do not care about.
It teaches you how to be unnatural,
and how to be it in a natural way.
Then, one day , I wanted to see what there was under this fake naturalness
and I got surprised:
There was nothing left.

[pacamohu]

I dont know how funny that is. Maybe that should be in the some for all
forum. Pretty good english except for a few mistakes that are kind of
distracting. I hope that you dont feel like this [:s]

[VincentVan]

...but how does it feel? to you I mean. Could I have been talking about one day in your life?

I´m I an expecially sick SOB?

...mais, ou sont les neiges d´antan?" Francois Villon.

[manda]

That poem was awesome. About just waiting to be kicked or yelled at by people just cause they're in a bad mood...Or about being fake for so long, there was nothing real left under it. That poem was cool. I saved it on my computer. Than ks!!!

[VoodooFeather]

im curious... were you posted it in the "funny" forum, were you going for funnny "HA, HA!" or funny "queer"?;)

Even though I'm a guy, I'll admit it wasn't a waiste of time to read. But maybe there is more than nothing left. Maybe its that everyone feels like that stone, so in the end its all fear, of rejection, of compassion, of whatever. but i wouldn't say "nothing" dissagree?

[VincentVan]

I´ve post it in the "funny" section because there is not a "ridicolous" section and because probably Iwanted peopleto lough at me and my stupidity.

But you´re right. I just reread it and it made me sick all over again. There is´nt a lot to lough about.

I think was Woody Allen that once said : " My one regret in life is that I´m not someone else." I feel the same.

A vous, mes amis et metres,je dedie ces fleurs maladives"

Charles Baudelaire "Les fleurs du mal"

[manda]

I feel that way strongly sometimes also. Or I go somewhere and think I'm going to get laughed at as I walk up, like a few weeeks ago at a crowded movie theatre. No one laughed at me or paid me any mind. That was a relief, but just thinking that shit might happen is torturous in itself. That's when I start thinking, I wish I was like this person, or that person, just so I'd feel more secure.
My self-confidence is pretty much shot lately.
If I didn't occasionally have relief from my constant feelings of low self esteem, I'd nut up.
There's an up me, and a down me. The up me feels a lot more human, looks a lot better, and gets necessary things done.
I'm hoping the schooling oppurtunity I have works out. I'm kind of hoping it changes my life in good ways.. tones a few things down, possibly. Namely tones down the call of getting fucked up.

[VincentVan]

I really hope it works out for you Manda, but my painful experience is that it´s rarely what happens around you that makes a difference as much as what happens inside you. And a change of scenery is not going to help much. I have been living in more countries than I care to remember, and lo and behold , I´m still the same jerk.

The same one who left his continent so many years ago , tryng to leave behind his old demons; and that always got surprised to find them there ,waiting forhim on the arrival to every new , remote shore.

Well , I´m sorry. It does´nt have to be the same for you of course. I really hope it is´nt ,in fact. I really wish you all the best.

Your brother in arms

VincentVan

"There is a fair behaviour in thee - And tho that nature with beauteous walls does oft close in pollution - Yet of Thee I belive Thou hast a mind wich suits - With this thy fair & outward character..."
- Shakespeare. (XII night)