Everything Going Rapidly Downhill

[darkglobe]

Sorry about the woe-is-me vague title.

I won't be using SWIM anywhere in this post. Because of this, I will make sure there is no rule-breaking content. It's just hard to post about personal and mental stuffs in the third person.


Strike one: the love life.

Basically, my life in general has been rapidly getting worse over the past few weeks, months maybe. Due to my extreme control-freak issues, possessiveness and compulsive, brutal honesty and total inability to lie, I have managed to singlehandedly ruin what used to be a wonderful relationship. Main reason being my inability to stop correcting people, reading too much into every word, pick pick pick at things and end up causing incessant arguing. We're still together, but now she keeps wanting me to back off coz I'm very serious about our relationship, but she says I make her feel "tied down". Thing is, she knows I'd most likely kill myself if I lost her. Before the insults come flooding in, I know that's an extremely stupid thing to say or even consider doing, but I'm being honest. I would want to die if I lost her. Thing is, she knows it. I try to convince her otherwise, but I'm an awful liar. I'm TERRIBLE. Then I start wondering WHY she doesn't wanna feel tied down, when about 6 months ago we were considering marriage, and I even managed to convince her that not all kids are evil, and she did actualy start coming round to the idea of maybe one day having a child together. Now, we haven't mentioned any sort of marriage, and she keeps accusing me of "tying her down". Does this whole thing about her not wanting to feel tied down mean that she wants to leave me?

Strike two: the health.

To add to my problems with my relationship (or possibly even caused by them), my health has been declining.

I have difficulty urinating and pooing.
I constantly feel full, yet my typical day's eating consists of a small bowl of cereal in the morning (almost always at 8.15am), followed by a small meal (usually a sandwich) at around 5-6pm.
A month ago I weighed 11 stone 13, and although I've not changed my diet in any way, and I've not changed my daily activities, I now weigh 11 st 3. While I know everyone's weight fluctuates, mine has never fluctuated to that extent.
My ribs are showing very prominently (I'm built very small, and have never been strong or anything, but this is beyond funny) and I've now noticed the weirdest problem... the left side of my rib cage seems to be much bigger than the right, and if I look closely I can see that my centrebone of ribs is actually off-centre, and towards the right. In short, my left rib cage part is a fair bit bigger than the right bit!
I have a bad back, but I slouch, so I've no right to complain about it.
I cannot sleep. No matter what, I cannot sleep. The most irritating part of this which has seriously annoyed me is how the doctor point blank refuses to prescribe me any form of sleep aid, and OTC meds such as Nytol do nothing but make me feel ill, in fact, they seem to just exacerbate the bladder/toiley/bloated symptoms, and do fuck all else.
My ribs click, too, when I do a stomach vaccuum thing. Only on the left tho.
I'm constantly tired due to lack of sleep, which is beginning to make me look like your average stereotypical "crackhead/smackhead". This makes me feel very uneasy, especially since I have taken no illegal hard drugs at all.

Strike three: the social life

I have never had a very active social life, although if I feel comfortable with someone I can and do have a thoroughly good laugh, and almost always make people laugh (with me). Even tho in my past I've never had many friends, and all my "close" friends never bothered keeping in touch at the end of sixth form where we all went our seperate ways. This didnt bother me tho.

But.. now, I have absolutely no friends, I never go out, apart from on this training course I'm doing, I live at home with my parents, I hardly talk to them (they try), I sit at the computer all day and most of the night. I know this is unhealthy, but I have no desire to do anything else.

The above social stuff isn't my main problem, though. Like I said, I could quite easily have fun with other people in the past. Now, no matter how nice they are to me, all I can think of is "watch what you say, dont let urself act geeky, keep quiet, they can't laugh at you then", and the classic one which always always happens: "dont get too close, they're only putting up with you, they don't actually like you, they're just being polite". This stuff is preventing me from enjoying the company of anyone/thing other than myself, and I've become increasingly quiet.

So yeah - no idea why I'm posting this here, but it helped to get it off my chest. Plus any advice is good advice the way I'm feeling right now.

I know I should seek professional help, before anyone suggests it, but I despise talking to strangers face-to-face, especially about serious personal things. I'm quite happy to e-Moan! Lol.

[Perception Addict]

You don't have to listen to any of this, it's just my opinion, but maybe something will help.

The love life: It sounds to me as though you have isolated what you believe to be the problems with your relationship, and are aware of them when they occur. You sound as though you're overwhelmed, and are having difficulty figuring out how to fix them (or maybe feeling like it's impossible). Because of this, you're staying very close to your S.O. so she knows you still love her, but it's making her feel that you're being clingy. Here's my thought. I suspect that your SO is aware of what you believe to be shortcomings in your relationship. Maybe they're things that she's picked up on, maybe you've said something, I dunno. However, telling her you have problems that you don't know how to fix could be very difficult for her, as by saying you're powerless to stop things, you inadvertently say, 'therefore, it's your fault that i'm doing these things.' I don't believe that's your intention, but consider how hard it is to be aware of someone else's problems and want to make it better, but to be unable to. She may be afraid that you want her to make it all better, and that she doesn't have the power to do that, thus making her scared that you are too dependent upon her for your wellbeing. It's scary to be responsible someone else's wellbeing, or even life.

So here's my two cents on what to do about it. First of all, try to calm down about the whole thing. If you're tangibly extremely upset, she's going to be even more uncomfortable. Instead, maybe you could consider trying to make slight, gradual alterations to the things that you think are making your relationship suffer. Do something physical, like make a list of attainable goals, or something like that. Try cutting down on the number of times you correct people about unimportant details, or even just trying altering your tone of voice or choice of words. If you slip up, don't freak out, just make an effort to think about why you felt compelled to say or do what you did, and keep it in mind for the next time that situation occurs. Maybe you even want to ask your SO is there's anything that would make her feel better about the relationship. Then, even if she says something that makes you really unhappy, try not to get upset at her. If something she says makes you angry or upset, calmly ask her why she wants to do it. Don't make her feel defensive.

The other thing you could consider is telling her that because your relationship is so important to you, you want to make sure that she's happy, and give her the chance to get a little space. You could tell her that if she needs space while you're trying to get your emotions and what not under control, you would understand. Perhaps something like this would make her feel like she can count on you to do what she needs in the relationship. A good way to make a loved one feel safe and cared for is to deliberately give them the chance to make decisions. Allowing her to say if she wants to get a little space or not empowers her, rather than making her feel like she's just following your orders (which builds resentment and distance in a relationship).

the health:

eat some foods high in fiber, make an effort to eat something nutritious instead of that sandwich, and exercise about an hour before bed.

the social life:

Ask yourself why you're uncomfortable being yourself in public, when that wasn't true of you in the past. Maybe that will help you figure out what is different, and if it's something you can go back to.

I hope that helps, good luck with everything.

[darkglobe]

Thank you very much for your advice.

I have tried the whole thing of noticing triggers and figuring how to not react the way I do, it's just extremely difficult to actually make the changes I need to.

She may be afraid that you want her to make it all better, and that she doesn't have the power to do that, thus making her scared that you are too dependent upon her for your wellbeing. It's scary to be responsible someone else's wellbeing, or even life.

She asked me how I was earlier, I told her I felt shite. When asked why, I simply said
"because I cannot be happy without seeing you" (I forgot to mention we're having a break from seeing each other - not a relationship break tho, it has been 9 days since I last saw her).

She said that makes her feel tied down because she feels I am relying upon her to be happy. Which is why I spun out when I just read that you wrote the same thing! The truth is that I do rely upon her to be happy, as I have nothing else that makes me happy.

The break was originally my idea, but 3 days in I decided I didn't want it and I missed her too much (up until this point we've not had more than 3 days apart in one go, altho I wa actually getting bored of the relationship, but I realise now that was purely because I just took it for granted, NOW I know how important she/it is).

She then put her foot down and said we were going to stick the break out (I initially said 3 weeks) and that was final. Me being me I started demanding that we see eachother, obviously making things worse.

She is actually very happy now we are having this break. She doesn't get the tied down feeling, she doesnt have arguments to deal with, basically she tells me everything is better for her. This hurts me a LOT. because she's said these things I know find it impossible to believe that she still wants/needs/loves/likes me. She said once that she did, but because I was constantly looking for reassurance she got fed up of reassuring me and now she won't tell me when I ask her. his has been going on for about 2 weeks.

What she doesn't realise is that everytime she refuses to reassure me, I get progressively worse. I know 100% that she is neither a liar or a cheat, and so when she refuses to tell me, I think "she is staying silent because she will not lie to me, this obviously means her feelings for me have gone"

I cannot comprehend the fact that she apparently loves me, yet everything that I've constructed in order to hold us together now makes her feel tied down. When we first got together we both used to swear we'd be together forever, unless one of us cheats (something which I made clear our relationship would never recover from), but now when I ask her to promise she wants to be with me long term, she says she will not promise that she knows 100%, but she still tells me she does! Why wn't she promise?

The health - I think I need some protein and some fibre and some excercise.

I think tbh it could be stress causing me to lose weight. It's happened before. As soppy and pathetic as it may sound, I just want my lover back. I took her for granted, and now I realise how much I need her, she seems to want me less than ever.

I often suggest that we split up, which oddly enough upsets her, but not as much as it used to. That's another thing making me paranoid. She used to cry when I mentioned it, now... nothing. It's hard to do but I think I may need to convince myself she's lying, coz she can't be telling the truth. I just physically don't see how she can love and want me.

Sorry for this moaning whining crap. If you're still reading, kudos!

[yaba]

Its sounds like you need help maybe counseling would be good. Think a counsellor wil recomend a psychiatrist.

Swim had problems and sometimes still has problems with stress and his doc always helped him, Giving him antidepresants, antianxiety, sleeping pills and painkillers for his back.

Hope everything will be ok with you.. There is help out there.

[darkglobe]

I just lost her.

She's gone.

Gonna see about seeing someone tomorrow.

[Heretic.Ape.]

sorry to hear it. All the best to you. A little mantra that gets me by: "this too shall pass".

[darkglobe]

I've been through it once before, that time not my fault. This time my fault.

To the outsider it always seems trivial. To myself it feels soul dstroying. Especially since she's such a wonderful person.

Maybe it will work. I don't know. Maybe I can sort it.

[darkglobe]

Omg soz double post but WE'RE TALKING!!

I haven't the foggiest idea what to say, though 0_O

[darkglobe]

We spoke, but all she did was come online and demanded that I stopped texting her relentlessly. She said "my parents will think you're stalking me or something" which is stupid, because we said we weren't seperated like 5 mins after I decided we were, so she must be telling her parents a different story.

I'm going insane with hurt and confusiong and things. I can't take this. I know she loves me, she said it and I know she meant it, but I've been so suffocating recently that all she seems to feel for me is anger. She talks to me as if I'm an inconvenience, but when I ask her if she loves me she STILL says yes! I don't know what's happening anymore.

I ended it last night after talking because I was too confused with not knowing what was happening. And then I took it back five mins later. I said forget it, we're not broken up anymore. Then I asked her if we still had a relationship and she said "I don't know".

She's obviously prepared herself for total break up. The worst part is how she's convinced herself I'm never going to change. I know I can do it now, because she's too special and important to me for me to throw away.

I just feel so fucking dead inside. I always thought people exaggerated the "emotional turmoil" of breakups. I was always the one screaming "go fuck someone else" when there was a soppy film on TV. Now I'm full of pain and nothing is fun. I'm on the verge of crying all the time, and although I don't actually cry until bedtime, it is so horrible.

I know it is very cliched and possibly over the top but I actually see no fulfilment in life now. no reason. definitely no motivation

[Mr. Giraffe]

Dude, stop with the melodrama. I had a girlfriend who done what you did before. She threatened to kill herself and so on, said she couldn't live without me. I felt really bad, of course, so it worked for a little while, but eventually I realised that she wasn't my responsibility and that her problems weren't my problems and I let her go.

You must learn from your mistakes and try not to fuck up the next relationship. IMO you won't get this one back, you've fucked with her head too much.

Take up exercise, meditation, whatever. Calm the fuck down. Ask yourself: would I want to be with a person like me? Change if you're not happy.

[darkglobe]

Okay. thanks for reply.

[yaba]

Too many people stay in relationships that are going no where.. I know because I been there! And yes this will pass.. Good luck.

[Fight Club]

Emotional pain is very real. Acknowledge your pain; mourn your loss, and then move on. You are 20. Your whole life is still ahead of you unless you do something stupid. Believe that some day you will look back on this episode and realize that was all for the best - for both of you.

FC

[darkglobe]

We talked. Glad of that, actually. We're still breaking up, and we're friends. Also I was reminded in no uncertain terms not to DEPEND on getting back together, but I was also told very firmly that there is a very real chance of another chance sometime in the future.

I just need to work through my issues. I told her I could change, and I know I could, but she said it was too little too late. She wants me to show her that I can change, but as a friend. I'm also aware that the stuff she's said, like don't give up hope completetly, is just stuff they say to let ya down gently, isn't it.

Meh. Time for lots of crying, watching CSI and drinking cheap beer!

Thanks to anyone who read this and replied. The other issues aren't in the foreground of my mind atm, but I found out the health problem: I'm simply anaemic! Doc reckon's it's down purely to my very small diet (haven't been hungry, which is not like me) and extremely bad lack of sleep. Should right itself.

Over and out, and on to a new chapter! Time for me to get my noggin sorted out.

[ajm48786]

Girls think very different than we men. You have to go against every instinct, you have to stop talking to her for a bit. Give her some room. The trick is you have to try to get her back before she realizes she can't live without you. All you've done is pushed her away even though that is the exact opposite you intended. I know the feeling, I did this with the last girl I loved. It is very hard to think of life without "her."

Women are much more insecure than we men, most of them at least. They don't want to be with an insecure guy; and all you did was showed her (to her) you are completely insecure without her. She relies on you to feel secure; and you didn't allow that for her. I know it wasn't your intention; however, that is how girls think. The more you try to chase after them right after a break up, the more they want to get away from you. They need their own time to sort things out. Of course, instinct says if you don't keep in contact, she'll never come back for sure. It very rarely works that way. They need a breather.

You need to try to fix yourself. If you keep telling yourself she is the only way you can be happy, then that will be the only way you can be happy; but, she is like a drug in that sense and not much more. If you can fix yourself, regain confidence; and you give her her time, you've got the best shot at getting her back, though there are no guarantees. I'd say wait around 2 weeks, tell her you've been overbearing and you want to give her time to breathe. Tell her if you're the same when you try to re initiate contact, then you'll stop bothering her. It is a gamble; but, I promise, it is your best shot at getting her back.

Another thing is when you go back to her, you really have to be a new person. She'll leave quickly if you tell her you only changed for her or something like that. Tell her you realized she was right and you did some soul searching. Very important: DO NOT BRING UP OLD PROBLEMS! DON'T DO IT! It will only remind her of the problems and the problems will come back, I promise. Part of the new you is you want a clean slate with her; and if you're going to keep her you need to start on a clean slate. If you don't do these things, you'll lose her, that simple.

It is hard to get girls back after you show what they interpret as desperate measures. It really only pushes them away and makes it much more unlikely they'll ever take you back. Swim made that mistake and it cost him big time, it is one of the main reasons he started doing drugs. Good luck man, I know how it goes.

There's nothing anyone can tell you that will make it feel better if you lose her for good. You'll realize in time that time is the only thing that helps; but, you really have to get back out there. I wasted over 3 years of my life before I went after another girl; and I regret that, because life is too damn short. We're young now (I'm 21); but, how will it feel if you withdraw (if you lose her), don't go after another girl, then wake up one day and realize you're fucking 30!?

Guys don't recover from relationships as well or as fast as girls do, that's a fact. We want to go get fucked up and isolate ourselves, girls go and get support from all their friends/family so they can get over you. It is a horrible feeling when you know the girl you love is truly over you. Life's too short, there are still good things in it. You got to put yourself out there within a 5 month period if you lose her; otherwise, it will only get harder. Most importantly, you have to get yourself together. Think it's bad now, how about if you're still upset about all this and nothing has changed when you're 30!?

Get yourself together and give her her space, then make contact again, meet, and be the new you, don't bring up any of the old problems, treat her very well if you get her back. If you really love her as much as you say you do you'll change for real. I know it's easier said than done; but, it's a lot easier than you can see since you're in the situation. It is easy for me to see as the outsider. Tell yourself the pain is temporary and believe it, you'll be surprised at how much more confidence you can get; but, you have to act on that change in attitude otherwise you'll collapse and it will be a huge letdown (happened to me a few times).

Either way man, good luck. These are the best years of our lives and they will fly the fuck by faster than we know it; and this is the time when it is easiest for either of us to get girls, it will only get harder with age. I feel for you. Just wake the fuck up and do, don't try.

[ajm48786]

I forgot to mention, as much as she needs room so do you. The whole friends thing is unlikely to allow you to really change because she didn't really leave. The friends thing will probably not work. You should tell her "I love being in touch with you; but, I need to take a month off so I can get myself together, not for you; but, for me." She'll see you're serious and you'll have a better chance. She also will be happy to hear you say you want to do it for yourself and not her, because she wants you to be happy as much as she wants you to treat her well. She likes you or loves you, the main thing with real love is you want your partner to be happy. She also should know that if you fix yourself for yourself that will mean you'll really change, women rarely buy into the "I'll change for you" line, it usually just pisses them off. Good luck again. Cheers!

[Fight Club]

. . . Due to my extreme control-freak issues, possessiveness and compulsive, brutal honesty and total inability to lie, I have managed to singlehandedly ruin what used to be a wonderful relationship. Main reason being my inability to stop correcting people, reading too much into every word, pick pick pick at things and end up causing incessant arguing. . .

I think you already know what you have to do. Look inward to find the qualities you possess that attracted her in the first place.

Then learn to accept people for who they are. Don't worry so much about trying to change you; resist the urge to try and change other people.

FC

[darkglobe]

All sorted now. Happily remained friends. 'Appy days! :-)