Seven months on...

[StillStruggling]

Well my sobriety plant has finally died. I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean… or whether in fact it means anything. I do believe in fate though, so perhaps I’ll find myself in a drunken stupor soon but somehow I doubt it. I’ve found it easy enough not drinking, but the rest of my life seems to have imploded in slow motion over the past seven months (something the clinic didn’t seem to cover).

So, one dead plant… well, it’s coincided with my feeling as though I’ve just totally had enough. I feel as though I’ve been on an endless quest for happiness and simply can’t find it. I feel frustrated, unsatisfied, full of self doubt and lonely. Worse still, I feel impartial towards the sudden maternal feelings my mother is showing… I ought to be pleased, but I just can’t get excited about that either. If anything I shun them, it all feels a few decades too late. A normal pleasant person would probably embrace the situation… but no I can’t seem to do that.

It’s nearly Christmas, my least favourite time of year. The time when most families get together, enjoy one another’s company and have fun. I’m wondering what this one will bring. I can’t seem to do parties anymore. I’ve done two in the last two days and if knew if I wouldn’t feel guilty I simply wouldn’t show up. I generally struggle to hold an interesting conversation then the self doubt starts creeping in… I then become aware of how much fun everyone else seems to be having and how dull I must appear. Then I end up going home early, more often than not with people patting me on the back telling me how well I’ve done with ‘the drinking’ and another invitation to yet another party because people know I’m on my own, so feel sorry for me. Again, I should feel grateful but I just don’t.

My home used to be a fun place to be with late night activities surrounding vodka, coke, sex… and yes looking back on it I used to enjoy it loads. It all seems very quiet and empty now, clearly I don’t miss the hangovers, the odd violent argument nor the shakes that set in, but actually taken as a whole if I’m honest I do miss my life as it was, and I’m very much struggling with this new one.

My self doubt seems to be escalating whilst my confidence is spiralling. My need for love feels as though it’s reaching desperation point. Am I alone here, are these feelings normal? I’m struggling so much.

[blackdb1]

Swim feels very similar to what swiy is talking about. He hasn't had alcohol problems but has had addictions to MANY different substances. He has been able to overcome addictions to everything but ganja and opiates. He is actually on his 2nd day off opiates. He has been clean for about 3 months a time or 2 but life just never got the same as it was before he got into abusing substances. These times of no opiates usually lead to him using anything to get high, from benzos to coke, meth a few times, DXM, alc, shrooms, swiy gets the point. Even when on these substances he doesn't feel himself without opiates! He is going to only smoke green from here on and then deal with that addiction (minor) but he can't go completely sober without freking out in panic attacks and doing irrational things. Maybe swiy should see an MD and see about trying out an antidepressant? Swiy could also try AA though swim knows many disgust the aspects it has on addiction, 12 steps and so forth. If swiy wants to talk to someone swim could sure use some insight on addiction and what not. Swiy should be very proud about making it 6 months sober.

[Fight Club]

SS - welcome to BL! The feelings you are having are not uncommon. Sounds like you are a "dry drunk". That can be very hard around the holidays. Maybe AA is not for you, however, you might consider taking AA for a test run at this time of year. An AA clubhouse will provide a place to hang out with other non-drinking persons that can relate to what you are going through. You will not be isolated and feeling sorry for yourself. Once the holidays have passed, you can stay or go - no one is going to judge you.

FC

[blackdb1]

Swifc. Swiy says hang out at an AA "clubhouse"? Swim thought AA and NA only held like 2 meetings a week? If swim had a place to go to talk to people experiencing the same stuff swim is going through that would help him a great deal! Swim finds himself sitting in the house moping around and what not. Swim just doesn't know how he's going to get through this. He's still smoking weed and that he thinks might be a problem? He doesn't know if that is reinforcing drug usage, causing him to just be falling back on something and not really getting down to the real problems that originally caused him to use in the first place? He finds himself just wanting to sleep his life away because it just seems so boring and dull. Swim knows it will take him along time to get to feeling normal without using drugs. He just wants to know what to expect on time range of getting used to living without opiates? He doesn't think the pot will cause problems with this but isn't sure? Previous times he used Benzos, alc, coke, etc. He doesn't think that helped at all? Not trying to thread jack just think it's pretty similar to the OP.

[ai]

I just went to amazon and bought 6 books I've been meaning to read. went grocery shopping and I'm going to be making my fav foods, sit back and watch my fav movies and TV shows that will be coming on.

Make the most and the best of it. don't focus on what isn't happening focus on what is.

[Fight Club]

NIK lives in a small suburban town outside Philadelphia where there are at least 20 meetings a day. If NIK wants to drive to any one of a dozen nearby small suburban towns or to Philadelphia, he has access to over 100 meetings a day.

AA clubhouses are not that uncommon. They are usually open all day, and have coffee, bathrooms etc. The one near NIK has meetings at 7 AM, 10 AM, Noon, 5:30 PM, and 8:30 PM 7 days a week.

WRT the weed thing, NIKs not a doctor, but would suggest that you give up everything for 30 days no matter how hard it is, then reevaluate you situation at that point. It can take up to a year (or more) for the body chemistry to return to normal, but SWIY should begin feeling much better way before that.

If SWIY has anxiety or depression issues associated with quitting, see a doctor about that, but mindful of the fact that as clean time increases, those problems will most likely diminish without the need for scripts.

FC