Helping a loved one: intervention techniques.

[Alfa]

When a family member or close friend looses control over drugs and life and things really go for the worst, then many want to help but do not know what they can do.

How do you set up an intervention for an addict in trouble?

Relatives and friends of addicts use this forum to search for answers. So post your idea's, suggestions, techniques and experiences here.

Please also post links to related threads on this forum.

[Alfa]

Here are some posts of our members on the topic:

Originally Posted by BrugmansiaBrujo

Any kind of loving, caring approach is good. Sometimes an intervention is better handled by a few people all at the same time, so the one being cared about doesn't think it's just you noticing, that it's just you nagging or being fucked up.

But regardless of how it's handled, nothing will happen to make the situation better until she herself admits there is a problem. If she is in denial, you are beating your head against a brick wall, so be prepared for that eventuality too.

This thread is about someone facing an intervention by friends: Put on the spot by friends; the center of intervention

[savingJenniB]

I trying to get my niece in treatment prgm. She'll be 25 yrs old next week & has been using crystal / meth since she was 14. No one knew that until recently. She did very well in school - cheerleader when she was 16 and a rather gifted musician - covered her use fairly well until a couple of years ago. Dropped out of college, got fired from her job for being late - then a DUI & a fight with a girl that put her into the hospital. Her parents got angry with her. . . So, she stopped seeing them. No one had heard from her in about 4 months when she stopped by my biznass. Her hands look so old & dirty - I guess from smoking meth ---- and then she recycles stuff - or so she says.
We have opened a dialog - she admits that she needs help - and says that she wants to stop. .. . I'm treading gently, do not want her to disappear. Living in the canyons (San Diego is an easy place to be homeless) She admits that she has now been shooting meth. Describes the initial rush as something quite irrisistable . Anyone out there with some good coping techniques?? I've watched her family do all sorts of things that don't work. What does work?

[sweetsugar]

All swim has to say on this is that 'tough love' doesnt work. Infact makes matters worse. If you have no idea what a loved one is going through, do research and be very understanding & open minded, the person will need you no matter if they say otherwise & dont give up on him/her. (An addict has to want to stop for him/herself btw) the withdrawals is the easy part, then its the pyschological part to deal with wks after the withdrawals. But theres always a light at the end of every tunnel.

i hope this has made sence.

[Fight Club]

Originally Posted by savingJenniB

I trying to get my niece in treatment prgm . . . We have opened a dialog - she admits that she needs help - and says that she wants to stop . . .I'm treading gently, do not want her to disappear. Living in the canyons (San Diego is an easy place to be homeless) She admits that she has now been shooting meth. What does work?

Does she want to go to a treatment program? Has she tried to quit on her own? What has she done, rather than said that indicates a willingness to stop?

I think you need to be careful that she isn't playing you. Addicts will lie, cheat, and steal (especially telling loved ones what they want to hear) to sustain their habit.

A little advice:
1) Don't give her money, no matter what.
2) If you let her stay with you, insist that your home be drug free, and be prepared to throw her out at the first sign of drug use. Establish agreed upon boundaries ground rules and consequences as a condition of your support.
3) Assist her in finding a rehab that will accept her, if that's what she wants to do. Injected meth is very powerfully addicting, and the longer someone can be a) isolated from their source, and b) in the company of sober and supportive people the better their chances will be.
4) Be patient and be prepared to show lots of love and support. Don't consider a slip, or even a relapse a complete failure. Active addiction is a downward spiral, and recovery from addiction is an upward spiral. Keep in mind that growth in recovery is not linear; it has its ups and downs.
5) Don't be overly concerned if she seems lifeless and depressed. Long-term meth abuse has disrupted the mechanisms that supply and replenish dopamine, serotonin and other "feel good" enzymes in her system. It may be 6-9 months sober before she actually experiences any happiness or joy in her life.

Hope you find some guidance and understanding in my advice; PM me if I can help in any way.

FC

[Skyla1234]

Hello! I'm really sorry if this is the wrong place to post this and its not really got much to do with the above scenario (which btw my feelings go out to you on, savingjenniB) I'm just after some help....

My boyfriend has been a crack and heroin addict for a few years now. He's been to various rehabs not only near where we live but all over the world. He's had a few relapses with the heroin but over the last couple of months hes been clean and so happy - its like he's been a new person. I know that the withdrawal period was horrible but he says that now he knows what to expect its not quite as bad as the first time which makes sense. Anyway the last couple of months have been great - we've been out and about and its not come up at all until two days ago. I sensed that something was wrong and called him. He admitted to me that he had found a really small amount of methadone in his room and had drunk it. I didn't know what to say - it upset me because I have no idea of whether or not this is the slippery slope back down or not. He is very honest with me and I don't want to abuse this by being harsh to him.

Well tonight he called me and said that he wanted to chat to me. This isn't unusual so I told him about my day etc when he told me that he had had to stop himself scoring tonight and talk himself out of it. Obviously I'm so happy that he didnt and that he told me that it was what he was feeling but I'm going out of my mind with worry that he's on the edge of going back to it.

The last time he stopped using he did it by himself as he doesn't entirely agree with all the NA principles and he just found that it was something he needed to do by himself. I just wish there was some way I could support him better. The only addiction I've had is ciggerettes though I've used quite a lot of drugs in the past so I'm not completely oblivious to it all.

Any comments or help with things that will help him out would be much appreciated - he's had quite a few relapes over the last year and its just soul destroying seeing such an intelligent, loving, ambitious person going down that road again.

Thank you for reading this, look forward to some feedback

hugs

[dogzz]

Straight truthfull talk, no bull, no candy coating, no beatin around the bush true feelings and thoughts. No condemnation, no accusations, no forcing of your own ideals or passing of judgement. If an addict is even the slightest bit open to getting clean, it's important to keep that opening there. An addict who has the tiniest inkling towards sobriety is most likely already down on themselves to begin with. At the very beginning of any sort of personal attack, in swim's opinion, an addict will shut that opening as a way of self preservation.

No two addicts are alike so swin cant speak for all, but for swim, and his experience,..it's hard to put in words, tough love isnt the right term. It was a love of and from family and friends which inspired swim to do better. Without the knowing and want of something better in life, why even bother trying to get clean? It is a fine line, or a slippery slope to define giving that love and support without being an enabler.

oh, there's that crappy word "enabler". Many people dont understand what that is, or just flat get offended by it. An addict becomes very proficient at turning things around to get what they need. money, bills paid, rent covered, the list goes on,......sure what do any of those have to do with drug use?? ya love someone, you help em out, thats just the right thing to do, but how many addicts are out there barely gettin by, supported by friends and family in just the basic needs of day to day life? Swim was one of those, and in swim's eyes, was just a little down on his luck. The truth of the matter is "every" bit of what swim got went to support his drinking, and whatever drug swim was able to get. Not one thought ever occured to swim that he'd have the rent, be able to pay the bills, pay the fines, because when swim got to the bottom, there was always someone to help swim out.

How to help someone?? swim'll tell ya what he wishes would have happened. Like swim stated at the beginning of this post. There are so many ways to approach it, there are as many paths to recovery as there are addicts. Took swim 50 years to figure it out, but when all else fails, when you have no idea of what way to go or what to say or do.......SIMPLE back to basic works best. How can anyone go wrong with flat, straight ,truthful, non-judgemental talk.

Sounds easy, but swim doesnt live in a fantasy land either. Having such a talk with a loved one you care about is highly emotional, how do ya talk with someone you're so upset with ya wanna just slap em silly, knock some sense into em? well, ya just gotta dig deep, find it within yourselves to have enough strength for both of ya.....The bottom line is NO addict can be forced to quit, no addict will attempt it untill they want or feel a need to stop. That feeling needs to be nurtured, because that is all an addict has to hang onto untill they begin to have enough clean time to be proud of.

Swim would only call it tough love because it's tough on both the addict and the person who cares. just swim's opinions on the subject

[savingJenniB]

Originally Posted by Fight Club

Does she want to go to a treatment program? Has she tried to quit on her own? What has she done, rather than said that indicates a willingness to stop?

I think you need to be careful that she isn't playing you. Addicts will lie, cheat, and steal (especially telling loved ones what they want to hear) to sustain their habit.

A little advice:
1) Don't give her money, no matter what.
2) If you let her stay with you, insist that your home be drug free, and be prepared to throw her out at the first sign of drug use. Establish agreed upon boundaries ground rules and consequences as a condition of your support.
3) Assist her in finding a rehab that will accept her, if that's what she wants to do. Injected meth is very powerfully addicting, and the longer someone can be a) isolated from their source, and b) in the company of sober and supportive people the better their chances will be.
4) Be patient and be prepared to show lots of love and support. Don't consider a slip, or even a relapse a complete failure. Active addiction is a downward spiral, and recovery from addiction is an upward spiral. Keep in mind that growth in recovery is not linear; it has its ups and downs.
5) Don't be overly concerned if she seems lifeless and depressed. Long-term meth abuse has disrupted the mechanisms that supply and replenish dopamine, serotonin and other "feel good" enzymes in her system. It may be 6-9 months sober before she actually experiences any happiness or joy in her life.

Hope you find some guidance and understanding in my advice; PM me if I can help in any way.

FC

OMG - You are sooooo right. Reluctantly I admit I got played last Friday nite. It was cold & wet & stormy and she hit me up for $60 for hotel room.
Now I realize I should have met her at the Motel6 and just paid for the room,cuz I do not believe she ever got a room. She was suppose to go into a program today - we shall see if she made it - ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! I have printed your post - just to remind me: Kindness is Okay. But that doesn't mean I have to be a bleeding heart sucker!
there is nothing new to what you've said - you just made it personal - so that it would sink in. Thank you

[savingJenniB]

Well, it has been nearly a month since I posted in this thread ~ since that incident my niece has been in jail once, in a fist fight with some other girl (she says that's where the bruises are from) and so passed out another time that one of her "friend's" mother called 9-1-1 and then me. . . . etc. the incidents are becoming more frequent and more extreme(see my posts in other spaces for morbid details).

Now for the 54.00 dollar question?
Has anyone out there actually participated in an intervention?
I really really would like to hear your experience with an professional intervention ~ from any point of view ~ really have no idea what I've committed to here and it is all beginning to sound a bit scary . . .
My in-laws have gone shopping ~~~ rehab shopping
~~~ I'm afraid that they are bit clueless , although well intentioned!

They have never encountered an obstacle that couldn't be cured
by throwing money at it.

And throwing money is what the have committed to at this time.
Holy shit! $$$$ lot's of fucking money! $4,500 or more for just the intervention.
Which sounds an awful lot like kidnapping to me and
requires my husband & I to spend two days with them
- training and God knows what else?

So I'm thinking that maybe my brother & ex-wife are being taken,
on the other hand maybe this will save her life?
If they have that kind of money ( residential treatment program $30,000).
Perhaps we can increase our chances of success??
Look at what money did for OJ ~ saved his miserable life.
Still, I'm hoping that at the end of this ordeal
I'm not buying them a dog and naming her Clue ~ so they have one.

Anyone out there with intervention experience or advice?????
Please!!!!

[cyndi]

Swiy is right, interventions and treatment are a crapload of money! The question is in the end will the recovering person benefit? Swim is going through this with her son too. He is 18 and just got out of jail for a drug related charge again! Swim just found drugs in his room after finding drugs and making him dump them out a week ago. This is very frustrating. Swim doesn't want to give up on him as the rest of the family already pretty much did. Swim's husband wants to toss him out into the streets which is hubby's answer to the intervention question. Make him believe he has nothing and asks for treatment. Swim seriously doubts that this approach will work with her boy. She can't toss him as she worries he will die out there and after all this is still her child. However, he is tearing the family apart. Swim feels your pain and hopes the best for your family.

[savingJenniB]

Just thought I would let you all know that the intervention - went off with multiple hitches - and it turned into a big NO-GO.
My niece is now out on the street - alone. Living under a freeway bridge with Trolls ~ filthy tatooed alcoholic trolls.
We (all family members) have pledged not to assist her in any way
- unless it is to get her into a longterm residentual treatment program ( @ $30,00 for a six month - We are referring to it as a Recovery Resort!
More on this later (next week) - look for
Enabling _______________________ Compassion

[cyndi]

Enabling describes me very well. I wish I could take a harder approach with addicted persons especially my own son. I have a fear he will die out there in the street and I would blame myself for the rest of my life. I have had substance abuse counselors tell me I am hurting him by allowing him to stay home. But in my mind if he is dead, he is hurt worse, but that is me. You are very brave to do what you said you did with the neice. I hope she gets help soon. It sounds she needs it badly. Good luck to you!

[ransacklw]

Swim's has a new family member that has been addicted to smoking nicotine and doing speed for like 40 years. Finally trying to get that person sober swim tried moving to be closer to more family- it seems to help at times. But the relationship has changed in a lot a ways.. Good things to keep in mind- try moving to favorite happy place and surround yourself with loved ones. Stay strong sobriety can be done.

[savingJenniB]

Originally Posted by ransacklw

Swim's has a new family member that has been addicted to smoking nicotine and doing speed for like 40 years. Finally trying to get that person sober swim tried moving to be closer to more family- it seems to help at times. But the relationship has changed in a lot a ways.. Good things to keep in mind- try moving to favorite happy place and surround yourself with loved ones. Stay strong sobriety can be done.

I don't understand? After 40 years does this family member suddenly want help, or has this member become a burden or embarassment? Sorry, but 40 years seem like a long time --- just life as usual for a functioning addict. If this person was going to self distruct, don't you think it would have happened a long time ago. Something else has changed - perhaps someone else has died? There is alot more to this story??? Just curious?

What do you consider a "happy place"? Did this addict ask for your or your family's help? Sorry I'm asking so many questions. Guess that insight into other people's family dynamics help give me insight to my own.

Thanks, JB