View Full Version : SWIMming - Funniest "This Happened To Me or SWIM" Stories
HippieD9
24-12-2004, 16:52
I was going throught the drive thru ATM the other day and noticed a sign on it "Audio assistance is available for the visually impared." Well if ya can't see the ATM two feet away how the hell areyou driving?
Peace,
D.
Shouldn't the funny part be the fact that the visually-impaired don't need audio assistance? Or was that a typo by you?http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley36.gif
HippieD9
28-12-2004, 20:48
No no, I actually asked them about this, the idea is that if they can't see the atm (from their f*#)($* car mind you) one of the tellers inside can talk them through it through the intercom. Scary, eh?
Holy shit. Now that is funny. You're damn right they shouldn't be driving if they can't see 1 fucking foot in front of them.
Swic was making honey one night with a friend watching. Swic was adding benzo to methanol(with painter mask on). His friend came over and took a big wiff of the benzo. Swic was like wtf doesnt that hurt ur nose? He replied that he works with wasabi all day anditdidnt bother him. http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley11.gif
Haha... swic thought it was funny
The_Great_Sage
13-02-2005, 09:07
lmao its prloy not funny but im drunk im sorry everyone
insanity
09-06-2005, 09:08
Well it's time for me to take my drug test for my parents. They want me to take a test for them occasionally to check if i have been smoking pot. I am a daily smoker of pot, and in order for me to pass my test I have to fool my parents by using a whizzinator (fake penis). The device straps on and is worn similar to whitey tighties.
I have used this before and passed many tests for my parents. When not in use I hide it very well. Tonight was the big night to get tested again and I go up to my hiding spot, which was in my sister's room inside her closet inside an old box inside another tin box.
When I go to her room, i notice that everything in the closet is laying outside, like it's being cleaned out. I start to panic thinking the worst. I check inside the box and find the tin box and when i open it, it is empty!! IM SCREWED! I could have sworn i put the dildo in there i thought! wtf. where could it have gone. and i thought the worst, my mom had found it. and didn't tell me.
I go and talk to my mom and ask about my sister's closet being cleaned and try to pick up signs as to if she found my fake dick. but she didn't mention it or give me any signs as to if she found it or not. I THOUGHT this was strange.
I call my sister...and it turns out that my mom DID find it and got really upset with my sister instead who is 23. My mom must have been disgusted and mortified, because she thought it was a huge dildo! She called my sister, and questioned about it and my sister denied ever seeing it before. my sister kept on insisting that it wasn't hers, but i dont think my mom bought it, because she dragged my sister to confession yesterday out of no where to make her confess because my mom is really religious.
I thought my parents were playing a sick trick and not telling me that they found it and took it, waiting for me to take the drug test without the dick. but When confronted with my sister about it, she thought someone was playing a trick on her. because it really wasn't hers!! my mom didn't even ask me about it or show my dad. because she was so embarrased. I hope she threw it away, so they don't discover what it's really used for. now i have to buy another one for $150, and hope that they don't realize that i could be using something like that to pass the test.
They didn't end up giving you the test that day? This sounds like some kind of demented full house episode, but still ends in a dramatic discovery of a moral. So if all goes as planned, my good friend, you should all be hugging by the end of the day.
unico_walker
09-06-2005, 16:18
This is creative writing right? If not jesus christ! Parents drug testing their teenage son and watching him piss?! Mom going ballistic 23 year old daughter has a dildo?! Look if you're old enough to buy $150 dollar devices online you must have a credit card, therefore you must be at least 18 non?
How about you grow a spine and tell your parents where they can stick their piss test cup!!
Diphenhydramine
13-06-2005, 02:02
I dunno if this is funny or scary, I had a ambien blackout the other night, and sent this email to a friend of mine. She basically wrote back saying it was crazy, and I didn't know what she was talking about until I checked my sent emails. Here's the scary part. I have no recollection of writing this email whatsoever. At first I thought perhaps someone had hacked into my account, but then I realized that there's no reason why they would send one of my friends an email like this.
Here's the funny part (the email). I copied it word for word for your enoyment:
shit its qweird when that hits you, you're alone and yjr other cjatacters begin jutt out of clefys and bored holr, hacking intimo my keybarding forming somemuncomprehensible jeuorney withinin thte act of travel itself LETS ALL GOO!!!!!!
But the sister-inlaws crawl everlloser, hugr statuesqe large nosed that cannot float in this murky ssmawmpl. theyh have left me. i am now yjhr saolo avaiatioir here. Controlas for tyhe ship are harnessed round my waste, and he only a few merem secionds ago, relieved himslef off the back patio sacandal is incinerated, but it feels pretty nice.
Things are speeding up, lights are brighter, threre are less and shorter images of his mates, perhaps reality is rentering my perspcetive. howvwere my pants are still stoke in piss.
move on, neew morning, new chance and hopes. the music has kixked it itno some heavey party schene shoots, and i;m about to drop a nuke. bigg ol'd black owmen, sorta sexy but not worth a condom yoiu snuck.
They slap the thin beautues at each other in their battles, where I am decimated to CABANA bOY, AND jZA, WE GOTT'S TO FIND OME LADIESSHDFB BFDRB GN THEB SMLAA CHIDLLDERR HOW WHE I FALL THEY DO N O FLEE.GOTTA THINK ABOUT THOSE VIGILS THAN MAN,.,,,THE BELLY NEED
SRECHARGEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD DF6RTGYHJL PGOP FUR
THY CUKKIJ
444444444444444444444444444444444444444444NA DUDE THAT A
SHITT REPLYT STUIKJ OT CMOJN NIKHJFVBYE BYE I GUESS OUOUOYYEE
SWIM had a friend who would do the same shit, but then again he would always drink obsessively with the ambien.Edited by: sg43
How about you grow a spine and tell your parents where they can stick their piss test cup!!
That's what I would do as well. I'm guessing that he's living at home though. Since he's over 18, his parents can kick him out if they choose, so he pretty much has to do what they say.
But anyways, I'm curious, did you have to end up taking the test that night?
Yea similiar events happened to Swim. It sux this stuff sure gets you stoned but you won't remmember it at all!
OiledMandible
17-06-2005, 08:57
Your parents watch you piss? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, if I do say so myself.
Ahhh....I remember the good ol' days, livin at home. SWIM passed the tests with fake piss too, never needed the whole shabang though.
I was driving to the store today to pick up some drinks when I had pulled up to a red light. I stopped and finished my smoke and flicked the butt out the window. I noticed a girl sitting in the passenger seat of a rundown beaten up car on my left trying to get my attention. I rolled down my windows to see what she wanted and she had rudely said, " Do you know how bad that butt is for the enviroment? It takes 5 years for that to dissolve."
This was the point I looked at her and asked he if she knew how bad that car was for the enviroment, that she was getting a ride in, and it rendered her speechless.
As I was driving off I told her if she was going to be an eviromentelest, don't half ass it go all the way and ride a bike. lol
I forgot to mention that her boyfriend, or the guy that was driving, even smiled when I said it which made the situation even more funny.
lol......i'm sure that felt pretty good, bet the woman was well embarrased lolhttp://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley9.gif
pabel_giboon
13-07-2005, 22:53
Because we all know that pot smoking leads to heroin and being homeless.
Looks like you can avoid this fate by buying a 150 bucks urinating dildo. Will think of it.
SWIM and some of his friends, S and T, were smoking weed in his room and S had never tried it and wanted to. Now S isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, actually in those terms I'd call him the gardening gloves. They offered him a hit and he accepted, so they thought. S asked them how to do it. So they told him and they lit the bowl and held the carb for him, but he couldn't figure out how to make a seal with his mouth. S's excuse was the flame was in his eyes, so SWIM held a hand over it suffering burns. S still couldn't make the seal trying with all his might, which isn't much. T thought of a good idea, S could just smoke it from the stem like a chillium. Little did they know, that even after a demonstration hit by T, S didn't know the laws of gravity and decided to hold it straight out like a joint. Needless to say, the weed fell on to his lap followed by a "Hey, what the hell?" Of course he got socked for a party foul, and SWIM and T gave up and thought maybe he could consume alcohol... just maybe. So swim and T handed S a 40oz of 211 and S responded with a "Is this vodka or what?" so the two friends gave up and took all the fun themselves.
Now is that an idiot or what?:laugh:
EDIT: A little tidbit, we had to inform S that you don't 'sniff' weed to get high...
Nostradamus
20-11-2005, 17:57
You and T get an 'A' for effort. It sounds like 'S' is too dumb to do drugs.
SWIN and T thought about tellin S that if you put an advil in your ear
and hold your breath for 23 seconds while spinning in a circle you trip
hardcore. Anyone have any ideas on what SWIM and T should tell S?
antigenesis
21-11-2005, 15:36
I actually know S, and I've got a good one for you guys. We bought a bag of dried shitaake(sp?) mushrooms at a local grocery store, then preceeded to color trippy designs on them with those bright crayola washable markers. We never really got a chance to give them to him, though we know for a fact he would fall for it, and had a whole routine set up involving such things as another one of our friends jumping around with baloons and shit while we pretended he wasn't there.
Oh well, maybe another time, I think we still have them laying around somewhere. I'll see if I can post a pic if we can find them.
sands of time
08-02-2006, 21:34
It's for the best that S cannot use drugs... I mean, cmon, what good do you see coming from that?
IHrtHalucingens
08-02-2006, 21:42
Yea id say drugs would be no good for S. You should tell him that reading textbooks get you high, by the time he figures out that its a lie he might just be smart enough to do the real drugs.
Well, let him do what he wants, why not send him here?
Hope he can take the shit his gonna get, sounds like one of them poor naive bastards,Make him a cake or summinc, sure he can eat a cake, or tell him bout nutmeg...
let him be i if you show him sure he'll get it soon enough, or just really not for him i spose.
omen8productions
25-10-2006, 06:17
i am getting older, but my idea of humorous seems to stay juvinille.
i have to go to 5 AA meetings a week to get my liscence back. i have been getting bored. recently, at the break or after the meetings i will sidle up to people and ask them, "so...you like to party?" it is pretty lame, but the reaction is priceless and i am only confirming what they seem to be thinking.
btw, i dont drink.
sprackydoo
18-11-2006, 10:28
I have a serious post here, might help ya out.
It should work where you are (maybe ask if they can give your name to the courts to make sure???) but SWIM was court ordered as a juvenile to go to AA and NA. Hence the name ANONYMOUS swim had a few friends fill out the lil paper his PO gave him with diff signatures and he never went to one meeting and graduated probation :cool:
Pinkavvy
19-11-2006, 08:53
there is a treatment center (where there are aa meetings going on 24/7 at) outside of the town where swip lives near and the only thing between that treatment center and the town is a bar that advertises "we trade for aa coins" and inside they have a sign that says "any drink can be traded for an aa coin."
sprackydoo
19-11-2006, 12:50
there is a treatment center (where there are aa meetings going on 24/7 at) outside of the town where swip lives near and the only thing between that treatment center and the town is a bar that advertises "we trade for aa coins" and inside they have a sign that says "any drink can be traded for an aa coin."
LMAO i'd love to see a pic of that!! Wonder if you could get a double shot for the 1year clean triple for 2 years clean etc..
flipthecandy
11-08-2007, 10:54
This one time SWIM cummed from laughing too hard. Literal orgasmic laughter. Swim was very stoned and playing a PS2 game 'Primal' it was the worst shit I've ever played has anyone played it?
Facial Alan tries to take a photograph
My friends had a party back in '93. On the Sunday morning, a whole bunch of people turn up, and Facial Alan decides to ask everyone to group together on one side of the room so he can get a group picture (we called him 'facial' 'cause his face goes all over the place at times, his jaw almost had a life of its own).
So anyway after a lot of messing around, we manage to get everyone around and on the couch, and ready to get their picture taken. It is only at this point Alan realises he didn't bring his camera with him. Actually I'm not entirely sure he even owned one! After that he gets even more confused when his bag bumps on the living room door as he is leaving, and he comes back in, thinking someone has actually been knocking on the door from the inside to attract his attention as he was going out! All we see is him leaving and then coming straight back in looking really confused. Alan you mentalist! :p
savingJenniB
18-12-2007, 01:16
My friend Jon told me this story once about camping & hiking & tripping in The Black Rock Desert. I think I may have been there, too. I don't recall.
My friend Jon & his brother Jim and few other friends that I went to high school with would take these spiritual expeditions out to the Black Rock Desert ~ now this was a long long time ago - the early 1970's. Way before the "The Burning Man" thing. Jon & Jim had an "old man" friend named Stan. Stan was a Native American ~ a Washoe Indian. He was probably in his mid 30's, which was very old from our point of view. Stan was Jon & Jim's guide - all for the price of a bottle of whiskey. He took us to The Black Rock Desert, he showed us many wonderful magical places in northern Nevada ~ caves & petroglyphs, hot springs & waterfalls, places that were so quiet you would get a ringing in your ears to fill the "sound vacuum". We saw herds of antelope and caught rattlesnakes. Sorry I'm getting sidetracked.
Anyway, Jon & Jim & Stan and friends drove their VW Vans to the place called Double Springs - set up camp and huge white umbrella that could be seen for many miles - so they could find their way back. As the sun set and the full moon started to rise, J & J and my other friends all partook in some seriously fine windowpane LSD, filled their canteens with water & put on their hiking boots. Stan & the bottle would stay at camp.
The goal being to get to the top of Black Rock before they were too fucked up to hike.
Everything was going real well until Jim who was in the lead fell and kinda started a rock / human slide. When the dust settled everyone gathered around Jim who was on a ledge about 30 feet from the top. He was looking at his leg with intense concentration. As each individual approached him, he would ask them the same question, "Does this look bad to you? How deep is it? Can you tell if I need stitches?"
None of my friends could tell Jim anything. They would look at the cut on his leg and it seemed as big as the Grand Canyon ~ take another look and it was a red river rushing toward the Great Salt Lake. It took my friends over fours hours before they came to a consensus of opinion that it was only a superficial cut. The sun starting coming up and they could see that it was just big bloody scratch. They all were laughing so hard, they went rolling down the Black Rock canyons. Everyone was covered Grand Canyon gashes, Red River wounds and superficial scratches by the time they got back to camp.
My friend Jim is now an MD - psychiatrist - I believe. And Jon is in Aerospace - or working for NASA ~ something like that. Stan died of liver disease many years ago.
So which drugs kill??
SWIM imagines that most of the people on this forum are pretty experienced when it comes to drugs, but it can't have always been so. He knows that when him and his mates were young they did some pretty fucked up stuff. They laugh about it now but at the time it was terrible.
Here's one of many:
When SWIM was young an older friend showed him the standard english magic mushroom (the small ones). His trip was awesome so for a few months he was obssessed with them. He took a trip to the city and bought a hippy book on shrooms that told of the amanita muscaria.
Needless to say, he was in the local woods the next day and found loads of them. After filling a carrier bag with them he took them home and called loads of mates to get them over (parents away at the time). He was like, "LOADS OF BIG SHROOMS! THEY'RE DIFFERENT BUT THIS IS GONNA BE WICKED!" One guy biked 10 miles to get to SWIM's house.
He didn't quite appreciate the need to dry them properly and just heated them in an oven for 30 mins or so. They were SICK - covered in dirt and loads of insects in them.
They sat there and belted them back, washed down with cheap whiskey. SWIM can tell you that this was fucking hideous: they were chewy and smelt extremely bad. They held their noses as they ate them and then winced as the whiskey simply replaced one sick taste with another. Every so often a dead insect would fall out as they tore into them.
An hour or so later they sat around sweating and fealing really bad. This just got worse as time went by. Everytime one of us tried to talk they'd vomit. One of his mates tried to take the piss out of the shrooms but as soon as he said two words he was sick all over himself. This made SWIM laugh, but doing so made him sick all over himself. They were sick so many times that doing so brought tears of pain to their young eyes. They just sat there in silence, vomitting.
After about six hours it went away and everyone was pretty pissed off with SWIM. The guy who'd biked 10 miles was particuarly angry - he then had to bike back.
It took a while for SWIM to live that one down, he can tell you.
One time SWIM was on meth for days and finally proposed his theory saying "Is there any concrete evidence that Wisconsin ACTUALLY exists?"
Looking back on it, it was halarious.
One time SWIM was on meth for days and finally proposed his theory saying "Is there any concrete evidence that Wisconsin ACTUALLY exists?"
Looking back on it, it was halarious.
lol, when swim and his friends get baked all sorts of things like that come out. the problem is they usually can't remember them.
one time swim and his friends had been smoking some really potent bud (cheese if anyone's interested). they were sitting in some tunnels over a motorway that rarely get used. there was about ten of them overall and they'd all had a few joints and bowls of this mindblowing stuff. just as they're all sitting around giggling about nothing a midget with a massive dog walked past, the dog was seriously nearly as tall as he was.
they, allegedly, sat in silence for about 5 minutes trying to figure out if it had actually happened.
THAT is fucking halarious!!!
mickenator
01-07-2008, 07:00
When swim was only a little fish swim and two of there shoal got into an old abondoned building on our local docks, whilst there we where messing around seeing if anything had been left behind when swim came up with the bright idea that it would be good if we could turn the lights on so off we swimmers went looking for the electrics. It just so happened that yours trully found them and whilst messing around with switches my fish friends closed the doors on me so I reached up and threw a switch called Automan and next things there was a bright flash and I was blown out the doors straight into the other swimmers who couldn't stop laughing as I was quite burnt from the electric shock and in shock. Let this be a lesson to other swimmers don't fool with electrics. :crazy
swim has a few stories, one time swim bought some weed and told one of swims friends that he had some xanax, what he really had was some sort of vitamin not sure what it was but it turned your winker into niagra falls. for some reason swims friend thought it would be funny to give it too there other friend so we did. he took them and was talking to swim the entire time saying they werent really xanax he knows they werent. he really didnt, they ended up telling him they were just useless pills and they wanted to see him pretend to be on something hes not(friend had little experiance other than the weed). to find out if he found out what the pill really did involved asking lame questions such as, so did u jerk urself yesterday? swim made his friend ask but was in the room when he did, and as soon as friends asked the other friend was like ya and idk wtf happened it was like i hadnt touched it in 4 months. sorta gay when i look back at that story. swims next story isnt really funny but just a warning, swims brother had friends over swim trusts his brother and feels he is responsible and so are 3 of his other friends so he lets them drink around him( funny thing is swim is 18 and acts like he is allowing his 15 year old brother to drink with him even though in us what he is doing shudnt be allowed as well ;p) well this time swims brother brought his asian friend with him who at the time had never drank before no one knew this till after. so swim and friends see this crazy asian kid chugging all the vodka that they got just in case there wasnt enough beer. everyones like wut u doin crazy kid, hes like this is really good.. swim tells him slow down hes gonna be bombed and everyone is gonna be on there first beer. so soon the alcohol hits this crazy asian boy. he cannot control himself at all and everyone soon finds out this is the first time hes ever drank before. he keeps running to the fridge trying to get more beer people are taking turns watching him, it was relativly fun considering you could tackle him and pin him on the ground. after a while it just got annoying. moral of stupid story is dont let young asian kids you dont know drink your alcohol. he also broke his phone that night randomly wiping it at walls.. i found that funny