Jokes A Reference Guide to Weekend Fun

[~lostgurl~]

A Reference Guide to Weekend Fun


Ecstasy

How you think you behave:Like the beautiful, caring & wonderful person you really are.
How you actually behave: Like the creepy kid at school whose always sucking up to the teacher. Those revolting sweaty hugs you inflict upon anyone you meet are disgusting.
Likelihood of getting laid: 30%. Sex is not important. It's all about the "vibe".
How you feeling the morning: Like you should have gone for the sex.
Embarrassment rating: 6/10. Ecstasy makes you say nice things to people you don't like. This can be very embarrassing particularly if people believe what you say. Be careful who you give your phone number to…..they just might call.

Marijuana

How you think you behave: You're not sure, but you think people could be laughing at you.
How you actually behave: Like someone just hit you over the head with an 800KG fridge freezer combination.
Likelihood of getting laid: 60%. If you spend enough time on the couch, anything can happen.
How you feel in the morning: Like another joint and the rest of that pizza.
Embarrassment rating: 1/10. You're moving so slowly that it's almost impossible to do anything stupid.

Alcohol

How you think you behave: Like the life of the party, you are sexy, funny and everybody likes you.
How you actually behave: Like the death of the party; Your behaviour gets progressively worse as you tell more and more crass jokes, insult the bartender, spill your drink and make a pass at your best friend's date.
Likelihood of getting laid: 90%. Your sexual standards drop dramatically with each consecutive drink. If surrounded by others whose standards are also lowered, then your chancesare pretty good.
How you feel in the morning: Who did I insult? Where's my car? Why did I sleep with someone from the office? I've never felt this bad before. This is absolutely the last time.
Embarrassment rating: 11/10. Not only are you stupid, you are sloppy. Everyone recognises this, except you.

Cocaine

How you think you behave: You are smart, smooth, and want to "do lunch" with everyone.
How you actually behave: Like an annoying know it-all who would sell his soul for the next line of blow.
Likelihood of getting laid: 80%. It may be a Jedi Mind Trick, but when you sincerely believe you are so irresistible, some clueless and insecure type may actually fall for it.
How you feel in the morning: Like the ape-man.
Embarrassment rating: 0/10 if there's more coke in the drawer. 9/10 if there isn't.

Acid/mushrooms

How you think you behave:You are not behaving, but the world around you Is putting on a pretty good show.
How you actually behave: In reality ,It is you putting on the show. The rest of the world is behaving the same as ever.
Likelihood of getting laid: 20%. Even if you actually manage to get through the process of selecting a mate, removing your clothes and choosing a sexual position, you will then have to deal with the challenge of your partner changing into a furry animal/the devil/your mother.
How you feel in the morning: Either you are climbing the walls wishing that God would put an end to your suffering, or you finally understand Huxley's "The Doors of Perception".
Embarrassment rating: 0/10. You either sat on the couch and laughed at the TV all night, even if it was turned off or you climbed onto a building and tried to fly and died.


Added by VincentVan:


Heroin & Opiates


How you think you behave: As cool as ever, just more relaxed.(Typical line Of course I´m OK man. Why are you asking? What´s wrong?)
How you actually behave: You constantly fall asleep as soon as you sit down and sometimes standing up too. When asked about something directly you try to answer but you start slurring your words before the third sentence; when you realize it, you suddenly jump up and keep talking extremely fast about some off topic subject, in a very loud voice and gesticulating wildly; then just as suddenly, you sit back on your chair and fall immediately asleep again. (Typical line Of course I´m listening . I close my eyes better to concentrate on what you´re saying!)
Likelihood of getting laid: 1% Even if you manage to avoid throwing up on your partner, having a car accident on the way to your pad, falling in a comatose sleep as soon as you get into orizontal position, and burning down the bed you´re liyng on with one of the 5000 cigarettes you´ve lighted up in the evening,you still could´nt care less. (typical line Of course I find you attractive. Actually you´re so beautiful that I feel just like to stay here looking at you and holding you in my arms. Aah, is´nt it wonderfull just to lie here the two of us?- Falling asleep as soon as you finish the sentence)
How you feel in the morning: "I must get away from this place before she wakes up" (Typical line Shit! Oh no honey! I was just gonna go to buy you some breakfast.)
Embarassment rating: 99.9%. The only good thing is that more people than you can ever belive will not recognize you once you´re sober again. (typical line Who me? No, I don´t think so. I can´t remember ever having been there-. The tragic thing is that you would be sincere).

[KorSare]

hahahaha, a humorous guide, thanks for sharing. Gave me a few good laughs.

And although any platinum member will be quick to point out that everyone reacts and behaves differently to every substance, the above guide probably lists the most common reactions.

I just hope, that in a hypothetical world, drug users aren't thinking about this list whilst high, and developing a paranoid trip, worrying that they're becoming part of yet another trendy statistic

[robin_himself]

great post man! This truly reflects on how one feels when one sees people on drugs.... I always think exactly the same as the guide!

[VincentVan]

Pretty good list but clearly it needs to be completed.
I´m gonna try to fill the glaring "opiates" hole since many are still convinced that the effects of heroin are those exibhited by the shady character played by John Travolta in "Pulp Fiction".

HEROIN & OPIATES

How you think you behave: - As cool as ever, just more relaxed.(Typical line Of course I´m OK man. Why are you asking? What´s wrong?)

How you actually behave You constantly fall asleep as soon as you sit down and sometimes standing up too. When asked about something directly you try to answer but you start slurring your words before the third sentence; when you realize it, you suddenly jump up and keep talking extremely fast about some off topic subject, in a very loud voice and gesticulating wildly; then just as suddenly, you sit back on your chair and fall immediately asleep again. (Typical line Of course I´m listening . I close my eyes better to concentrate on what you´re saying!)

Likelihood of getting laid 1%:Even if you manage to avoid throwing up on your partner, having a car accident on the way to your pad, falling in a comatose sleep as soon as you get into orizontal position, and burning down the bed you´re liyng on with one of the 5000 cigarettes you´ve lighted up in the evening,you still could´nt care less. (typical line Of course I find you attractive. Actually you´re so beautiful that I feel just like to stay here looking at you and holding you in my arms. Aah, is´nt it wonderfull just to lie here the two of us?- Falling asleep as soon as you finish the sentence)

How you feel in the morning: "I must get away from this place before she wakes up" (Typical line Shit! Oh no honey! I was just gonna go to buy you some breakfast .)

Embarassment rating: 99.9%. The only good thing is that more people than you can ever belive will not recognize you once you´re sober again. (typical line Who me? No, I don´t think so. I can´t remember ever having been there-. The tragic thing is that you would be sincere).

VV.

[Forthesevenlakes]

ha, swiVV, i was about to write something similar. its all so true. especially the "how you feel in the morning" part...wow. swim cant even count how many times thats happened.