View Full Version : Jokes - Drug Jokes
It has been reported that clubbers in Yorkshire are now crushing up MDMA tablets and rubbing the powder into their gums to get a better hit.
This practice has become known as E bah gum.
Yes u definately need to be british, for non brits, Yorkshire is a big rural county in britain where they have a very strong accent, and their most common vocalisation seems to be `ee-by(or bah)-gum` which is very versatile in meaning.
Micklemouse
19-10-2004, 20:41
Laughed me proverbials off when I 1st heard that one, but then i'm from Lancashire originally (smaller,rural and industrial county, to the west, who wupped Yorkshire's ass in one of merrie England's petty but rather bloody civil wars.No offence - some of my best friends are tykes,and I live in Yorkshire now!).
Check out www.fat-pie.com for some funny and disturbing animation,('Salad Fingers'not recommended for those on psychedelics, or otherwise easily disturbed).
www.rathergood.com is also well worth a look for an insight into British humour(whatever that is!)
blue jammer
25-10-2004, 22:19
It *only* just works.
Should actually be, E by gum
arf arf http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley17.gif
Micklemouse
26-10-2004, 15:11
If you're a BBC announcer c1950, maybe. Sauvage was spot on phonetically, as that is roughly how it would be pronounced in the North of England, and the actual phrase 'Ee, bah gum' is a dialect form of 'Oh my God'.
Go to Darrens corner on Fat-Pie.com. to a)hear some unadulterated Northern accents, and b)see some scary examples of what drugs,lack of education and many years of Right wing government have don to the U.K.
Maybe this topic should be renamed "Prob'ly Ave Te Beh Noorthehn Te Geddit..."
There's a stoner and a super genius sitting on a bench waiting on a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the stoner and says, "Hey I'll tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you fifty bucks." The stoner says, "Alright, Man." The genius asks the stoner, "What is the Pythagorian Theory?" The stoner replies, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks. "Okay," the stoner says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?" The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. he hands the stoner fifty bucks and then asks, "So, what is the answer?" The stoner says, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks.
*two stoners, each tottaly baked*
Stoner#1: "Hey uhh, isn't your sister's birthday this month?"
Stoner#2: "Yeah, next week actually."
Stoner#1: "How old is she going to be?"
Stoner#2: "She's going to be 8."
*moments pass*
*stoner#1 starts to laugh*
Stoner#2: "What's so funny?"
Stoner#1: "You sank my battle ship."
Q: What is the most dangerous chemical???
A:PheromonesEdited by: manda
jrock0069
02-03-2005, 05:22
One day, a stoner was sitting in a park smokin' a joint when all out of nowhere a fairy appeared. The fairy said, "I'm going to grant you two wishes." then the stoner asked, "What can I wish for?" The fairy told him he could wish for anything his heart desired. He thought for a moment and said, "I wish for an everlasting joint. One I can smoke forever." A moment later a nice fat joint appeared in his hand. He started to smoke it and got pretty stoned. A moment later the fairy said, "What would you like for your second wish?" the stoner replied, "Man, this is some good shit. Can I have another one."
What is the difference between a drug
dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!</span>
A man trippin on dxm is walking through the forest when he sees a guy tied to a tree. The dxm tripper says why are you doing that? The tied up guy tell hims that he is doing it to save the tree. But why would you want to save him? says the tripper. The tree hugger responds by asking what are you talking about, him? Angrily the tripper yells, MAN shut the fuck up, i cant hear the tree.</font>
Remix
A doctor trippin on acid is walking through faggot forest when he sees a hobo tied to a piece of shit. The acid nudist says why are you doing that? The tied up hobo tell hims that he is trying to fuck the piece of shit. But why would you want to eat me? says the tripper. The hobo rapist responds by asking what are you talking about, eat? Angrily the tripper yells, MAN shut the fuck up, i cant hear the piece of shit.</font>
selfish_nostrlz
14-05-2005, 11:53
i always tell my children if they ever wanted to try drugs replace them
What was the 1st sign of soft drugs in the bible?
When Mary Magdalin got stoned!
What was the 1st sign of hard drugs in the Bible?
When Moses arrived with the tablets!
One fine day mister rabbit is jumping around the forest when he sees a giraffe rolling a big fat joint.
"Giraffe, giraffe!" He says "Why do you smoke drugs? Come run with me and get fit instead."
So the giraffe stops rolling his joint and goes running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing fat lines of charlie on a mirror.
The rabbit says "elephant, elephant! Why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead and get fit instead."
So the elephant stops doing lines and goes running with the rabbit and giraffe.
Then they come across a lion preparing a syringe full of smack.
"Lion, lion!" Cries the rabbit, "why do you do drugs? Come run with us and get fit instead."
The lion, with a mighty roar, squashes the little rabbit to smithereens.
"No!" the giraffe and the elephant cry "why did you do that? He was just trying to help you out!"
The Lion says "Fucking rabbit, always gets me jumping around this wanky forest when he's taken a couple of pills"
Ninja Master
23-10-2005, 04:37
Hitler admired americans demonization of native americans. how the americans drove the indians to reservations, and mercilessly killing them. he cloned this american behavior to the jews and insane. hitler him self hid his family history because of insanity. now comes along bush with the drug war, yet he was a drug user? well maby this picture ties everything together..... let me know what you think!!! :laugh::laugh::laugh:
http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/uploads/NinjaMaster/2005-10-23_043654_bush-waves.jpg
funny but predictable except the native thing that was uneexpected
oz_steve
17-03-2006, 22:35
Has anyone heard of this new danger drug HTML? I hear people are doing hundreds and hundreds of lines and it's all over the Internet.
Phungushead
18-03-2006, 06:46
:hoover:
Yeah, sorry. I know that was stupid, but couldn't resist. :D
robin_himself
21-05-2006, 20:45
This one was too good not to share……..
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
blackbastard
22-05-2006, 01:14
that last bit is fantastic
quantumbrujo
07-06-2006, 14:06
A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint
http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c35/trinity_matrix10101/myspace/MyspaceII/koalajointI.jpg
when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,
http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c35/trinity_matrix10101/myspace/MyspaceII/lizzard.jpg
"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says:
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says " Hey you!"
http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c35/trinity_matrix10101/myspace/MyspaceII/croc.jpg
So the koala looks down at him and says:
http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c35/trinity_matrix10101/myspace/MyspaceII/koalajointII.jpg
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"
--------------------
Sitbcknchill
07-06-2006, 17:04
I can't really say that I didn't laugh but it was kinda cheesy...... :D
Also, moved to funny shit forum.....
You know what would help with cutting out all those striker pads?
Methamphetamine.
Quite the predicament, eh? :p
Riconoen {UGC}
08-12-2006, 01:38
"Jesus and his disciples were sitting around smoking doobies on a hill, then they heard sirens in the distance and jesus siad, 'JUDAS YOU FUCKING NARC'"
A depressed man is looking for a cure.
A psychologist says: "Let's start therapy: you'll start to feel better in 4-6 months."
A psychiatrist says: "Let me put you on anti-depressants: you'll start to feel better in 4-6 days."
A bartender says: "Let me pour you a drink: you'll start to feel better in 4-6 minutes."
~lostgurl~
24-07-2007, 02:13
[Threads merged]
Computer games don't affect kids. I mean, when we were kids we played Pac-Man and we're not jumping around dark spaces, munching pills and listening to repetitive music.
Q: What is the best thing about being a tweeker?
A: Only 2 sleeps till Christmas :laugh:
Q: Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetener?
A: She thought it was diet coke.
Q: What do you call someone who stays up for 14 days straight?
A: A two-weeker.
Q: How can you pick out the tweaker in the grocery store?
A: He is the one with his cart flipped upside down fixing the wheels!
Q: Why do crank-users like to "do it" doggie style?
A: So, they can both look out the window at the same time.
Q: What did the heroin addict get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.
A boy asks his granny "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?"
Granny: "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
LEC
beentheredonethatagain
25-07-2007, 02:36
How many tweekers does it take to change a light bulb?
two and a quarter
Swim is very stoned, so takes a giraffe for a walk in his local park. The park keeper sees this but does not know if it's allowed, and just watches as the giraffe is rolling around on the floor.
Swim starts to walk home. The park keeper says "Hey, you can't leave that lying there"
Swim says "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe"
Swim completely understands the frustration of the people who don't like a mix of metric and imperial.
His drug dealer sells crack by the ounce, but when swim doesn't pay up he threatens him with his 9mm:)
thedavidx
29-07-2007, 10:18
I was sure I didn't have a drug problem . . . . until I ran out.
TRUE STORY from California:
My good friend and drug buddy of several years was not smoking the shit anymore, he'd got Prop 36 and was in a rehab program. This was..ahh...hmmm ..... good news? Yes....yes it was... after hearing that my hook-up had got hooked n booked a few days before. I was elated and was of course going to be supportive of my friends new lease on life - under the law. . . so I said:
"Hit that shit Renaldo!"
He said:
"Can't, I'm testing, Prop 36 eh? "
My response:
" ...oh, oohh yeeaahh - that's rRHhyt.. my bad dogg!"
" Wanna a line instead? "
We both fell out laughing.
(told to the rhythm of: Wanna beer? It's seven A.M! Scotch?)
Here's a stupid one that staying up late will produce...
What was the first thing the stoner said to his buddy when he got together with him to blaze a 7 gram trainwreck blunt?
"High!"
...*slow clap*... :vibes:
my fav drug joke:read this outloud ¨the war on drugs is effective and working fine¨
now proceed to roll around on the floor laughing untill your belly hurts.
Paracelsus
28-09-2007, 05:09
Two teenagers are caught with marijuana. Because it is their first offense and they look full of remorse, the judge proposes a deal:
"Boys, this weekend you go out and convince as many people as possible to never do drugs. If you do this, you will not have to endure anymore consequences."
After the weekend is over, the boys show up before the judge.
Boy 1: "I convinced 26 people to never do drugs."
Judge: "That's fantastic! How did you do that?"
Boy 1: "I drew a circle like this O and another circle like this o. Then I pointed to the O circle and said, 'this is your brain before you do drugs'. Then I pointed to the o circle and said, 'this is your brain after you do drugs.'"
Judge: "That's a great method! We can learn from you! [talks to the other boy] And what did you do this weekend?"
Boy 2: "I convinced 117 people to never do drugs."
Judge: "That is exceptional! How were you able to do this?"
Boy 2: "I drew a circle like this o and a circle like this O. Then I pointed to the o circle and said, 'this is your asshole before you go to jail'..."
HailEris
08-01-2008, 02:06
haha, there are some great ones on here. I don't really have a joke so much as a personal experience that I'm pretty sure most can relate to. I was talking with a buddy the other day when this happened.
(talking about various things - when I suddenly get an odd feeling..)
HailEris(puzzled): What's it called when you get a Deja Vu of a Deja Vu?
Buddy: (thinks about it for a few seconds).. a flashback
we both proceed to laugh out loud for a while.
Dark_Man_Of_Peace
08-01-2008, 04:43
Q. What do you call a person who remembers what they did at woodstock ?
A. A Liar.
Stoner Pick-up Line: Hey i have a 9 inch joint.
Q. What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner ?
A. The drunk will drive through a stop sign while the stoner will wait for it to turn green.
Q.Why did the pothead cross the road?
A.Who else would follow a chicken.
What do you call a pothead in a suit? a defendant.
purplehaze
05-05-2008, 17:14
This isnt really a joke.
Phaze and his friend, along time ago before he had his grinder, had 2oz of weed. Phaze has a nice little stash can with cheech and chong on it that he likes to keep his herb in, a gift from his gf.
Anyways, Phaze weighed out 30grams and put the rest back, because ya know how stoners are, gota have that backstash.
Phaze proceeded to break down 30 grams by hand, and his hands get very sweaty breaking down weed. Phaze has this big L shaped computer desk witha garbage can right beside it were he was breaking it up, after phaze got all 30 grams broke up he put it into the stash can and his friend reached to thump his cigarette and knocked every single bit of it into the garbage can. They both took a shocking pause and looked at each other and then busted out into laughter.
A young man on acid walked into a dentist's office and said, " Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
The dentist said, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
"Yes, I know," the man said.
The dentist asked, "So then why did you come in here?"
The man replied, "The light was on."
Q: What do you get when you take ecstasy and birth control pills?
A: A trip without the kids.
Q: What are the first five words a crackhead in a three piece tailored suit hears?
A: "Will the defendant please rise"
Q: What do you call someone who stays up for 14 days straight?
A: A two-weeker.
Q: What do women addicted to heroin got in common with ice-hockey players?
A: They both change clothes after three periods.
Q: What do you have in a room full of tweakers?
A: A complete set of teeth!
I know theres one like this for pot but it works so much better with meth:
A speedfreak is out walking one fine evening. He finds a poor person on the street and helps him up. The poor person says, "Son, I'm a genie. And since you helped me I'll give you three wishes."
The speedfreak says, "I want a big bag of meth!", the genie says."Okay." POOF, the bag appears! They prepare some thick long white lines and share it between the two of them.
The next morning the genie asks "What's the second wish?", "I want two big bags of meth", says the speedfreak. "Okay," says the genie. POOF! And they prepare it and snort it between the two of them.
The next morning the genie asks "And the third wish?" "I want four big bags of meth!" POOOF!! So, they prepare lots of big lines and share it between the two of them.
Much later the genie gets up and says, "Okay, it's time for me to go." The genie takes a couple of steps, pauses, turns around and says, "Okay, just one more wish."
Q. What did one deadhead say to the other when he ran out of weed?
A. "Hey man, this !"
So this guy is on speed, which makes him feel really horny, so he walks into a whore house to get himself a good f**k. On the inside he remembers that he's a bit short on cash so he says to the mistress:
- "Listen, I only have five dollars, can you help me out?"
The lady says:
- "Sure, go up the stairs and go in the door on the right."
The guy goes up the stairs and in through the door. He sees a chicken sitting on a table. He is a little disappointed but the speed is kicking in so he figures:
- "Oh well you get what you pay for!", and he screws that chicken to near death, there are feathers flying everywhere.
So the next day the guy is still a bit high and decides to go back to the whorehouse. He says to the madam:
- "Listen lady, I've only got two bucks today. Can you do anything at all for me?"
- "Sure!" says the madam. "Go up the stairs and in the door on the left this time".
The guy goes in through the door on the left and finds a bunch of guys staring through a two-way mirror at two beautiful lesbians having sex.
-"This is fantastic. Only two bucks for this!!" the guy says to one of the other men. The other man says
- "Yes, but you should have been here yesterday, there was guy in there fucking a chicken!"
These three guys die in a car wreck and they all go to Hell. When they arrive the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.
The first guy says, "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk."
The Devil decides to lock him in a room with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol imaginable.
The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room.
The second guy says, "It's the women, I could never stay faithful to my wife."
The devil opens up the second door and inside is nothing but the finest looking naked women as far as the eye can see. The guy was to be locked in for 100 years. He couldn't believe it and his dick got instantly hard and he went running into the room as the Devil locked the door behind him.
The third dude says, "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up."
The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10ft tall icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts and locks the door.
One hundred years pass and the Devil returns to check on the three men.
He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit, and piss. "I'll never drink again!" he says. The devil says it's good he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.
The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out twice as fast as when he went in. "I'm fucking gay!" he screams. The devil figures he's learned not to cheat on his wife and decides to give him a second chance too.
The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and sees nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting there in the same position that he was 100 years ago.
The Devil asks him if he's learned anything.
The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek, "Dude ... you got a light?"
Two guys are sitting on the porch of their house, tripping on LSD. Suddenly, a firetruck races down the street, flashing its lights and howling its sirens.
After it passes, one tripper turns to the other and says, "Phew! Man, I thought he'd never go away!"
Two guys were picked up by the cops for selling drugs and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said:
You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever."
"10 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 50 people to give up drugs forever."
"50 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison...."
My doctor told me to stay away from methamphetamine. So I bought a fifteen-foot straw.
Q: There were nine fleas on a fanny. Four of them were smoking dope what were the other five doing?
A: Sniffing Crack.
Q: How many stoners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to hold the lightbulb and three to smoke until the room starts spinning
If you ever need to insult someone, try this:
- I heard that your mother was a speedfreak whore in a leper colony for 15 years and loved every minute of it, until she found out that the other whores got paid ...
The following advertisement (placed by PARTNERSHIP FOR A DRUG-FREE AMERICA) appeared in the Friday, November 22, 1992
issue of the Harvard Crimson:TOP TEN SCARIEST PEOPLE ON EARTH
10. Prune-eating Sumo wrestler.
9. High-rise window cleaner with bladder problem.
8. Near sighted knife juggler.
7. Megalomaniac Third World Dictator.
6. Grown men named "Biff."
5. Heavily armed hot dog vendors.
4. Carsick brother in the seat next to you.
3. Brain surgeon with hiccups.
2. Anyone with a cranky disposition and a chainsaw.
1. People who offer you rugs.
PARTNERSHIP FOR A DRUG-FREE AMERICA
The misprint was rectified in the next day's paper.
Jesus sees that planet earth is going down the drain because so many people use something called drugs. So he has to know about this kind of shit so he calls all the Apostles and tells them that they have to go down to earth to see for themselves what is going on and then go back to Heaven and report to Jesus...
The Apostles go to different places on earth and after some time they come back to report what they saw. John comes and Jesus asks him "What did you find?" John: "I've got some funny stuff, that's called marijuana..." Jesus: "Oh yeah? Let me try it..." he tries it and... "Hey dudes, the music sounds so great!"
Then Paul comes with some amphetamine... Jesus tries it and goes "Wow, I'm feeling hot and full of energy!"
Then comes Peter with some LSD and Jesus says "My hands... they look soo... strange".
He tries all kinds of dope from each and every one of the Apostles and in the end he welcomes Judas with a huge stoned smile...
"Sooooo..... Judas ..... my ..... brother" he says, "What did .... you bring?"
Judas: "Errr... I brought ... the cops!"
Q: What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute ...
A: ... A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
A young man and woman on LSD started to have sex in a dark forest. After 15 minutes the man said:
"I can't see what I'm doing. I wish I had a flashlight, or nightvision."
The woman said:
"Yeah, so do I. You've been eating grass for the past 10 minutes."
Q: What do you get if you swallow 10 kilos of cement?
A: Stoned.
Alcohol and calculus dont mix...Dont drink and derive.
Panthers007
06-05-2008, 05:17
What follows is a true story. The names have been changed to protect Bongo from a lawsuit.
================================================== ===========
Four friends of Bongo were hard-heads who loved testing the theoretical limits of sanity by taking large quantities of LSD25. And doing the most outlandish activities.
One snowy and foggy night they drank a goodly portion of liquid acid from Berkeley. And then proceeded to go for a drive (never do this). Geery was a heavy drinker, and he had his bottle of home-made white-lightening with him - and he proceeded to guzzle it. He was in the backseat of the car as these mangy hippies tore up the roads in the town - hardly able to see due to the fog and the acid. Then Geery passed out.
"We should stop and get him some air. Revive him." - said the guy next to the driver. So the driver concurred - "Okay. I know just the place." And they cruised across town to a Catholic monastery. In the snow and fog they couldn't see the monastery - just the golden cross on top of the domed roof. It was lit by spotlights from below, which were hidden in the fog. They stopped and dragged Geery from the backseat. He was still passed out, so they layed him down in the snow facing the glowing golden cross. Then they rubbed snow on his face until he stirred and opened his eyes. All he could see was the glowing cross.
The freaks had gathered behind the horizontal Geery. One spoke - "Oh man! I told you to slow down. You missed that last turn. Now we're all dead!" Geery spoke at last - "We're dead? Oh no! Oh no! Where am I?" Said the driver - "You are in Heaven, Geer. We have to leave you now." "Please don't leave me here, guys! Please! Where are you going?" - pleaded Geery. "We have to go to the Other Place. We were bad!" - explained the driver. Geery began to weep. The glowing cross was all he could see..."No guys. Don't leave me here. I want to go to Hell with you!."
Unless you are a real hard-head - don't party with this bunch!:p
~lostgurl~
06-05-2008, 09:57
Fnord, most of your jokes are already in this thread, please edit them out.
mickenator
13-07-2008, 14:59
This is the Top 10 Signs that you are drunk :
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
9. Mosquittoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
5. You fall off the floor.
4. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
3. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
2. Roseanne looks good.
1. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through the bottom of a glass.
0. You spend more time on the floor than you do standing up.