Treating Mood Disorder(s) without Insurance (Help?)

[bewilderment]

Okay, I wasn't sure exactly where to put this, but my good friend Swim is going through a really hard time write now and is looking for some help. Any input or suggestions are welcome and will be taken into consideration.

Okay, swim has suffered from a mood disorder (or disorders) for...well, probably since childhood. The mood disorder(s) were not precipitated by drug (ab)use but swim did start in with the whole "self-medication" thing during high school and took large amounts of benzodiazipines and opiates for 2-3 years (only three years in high school, graduated at age 16 and quit drugs until the age of 19 or perhaps the latter part of the 18th year, she doesn't recall exactly). She tried cannabis once when she was 16 but didn't use again until around the age of 18 where she would smoke once every few months. At the age of 20, she had a breakdown and took a medical withdrawal from her university, was put on Zoloft and began to smoke cannabis daily. The Zoloft relieved her depression, but seemed to send her into a hypomanic state where she was incredibly reckless. She was put on Zoloft in October of 2004 and took it regularly until the late spring of 2005 as well as attended Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy weekly which she found to be a great help. She also used DXM regularly from sometime in 2003 (she thinks) until the fall of 2005. She did, however, continue to use hallucinogens (not dissociatives, but the 5HT2A agonists) on a weekly basis from Sept. 2005 until November 2005. She then resumed use of hallucinogens (monthly basis...sometimes weekly, but usually not) in Feb. 2006. She has taken a break from hallucinogens which began about 4 weeks ago. And, after smoking cannabis regularly (usually daily) since Fall 2004 has been forced to quit...it's been about three weeks now. School-wise: she returned after her breakdown in the Fall of 2004 during the Spring of 2005 and took classes and passed them just fine, but she never attended the classes unless they were having tests or had assignments to turn in (all of her classes that semester had no real attendance policy). She began classes at a different university in the Fall of 2005, but the depression returned and she withdrew once again. Since she withdrew from school and has no job (she also has suffered from social phobia for as long as she can recall which makes it incredibly difficult to hold down a job, much less actually go out and get one) she has no insurance and cannot afford prescription medication or therapy. She still has Zoloft in her cabinet, but doesn't want to take it anymore because she now believes that what had been diagnosed as "Major Depressive Disorder" is really Bipolar II disorder, possibly with an additional diagnosis of Cyclothymia...although, this is her own opinion and is not official. After she quit DXM and got over the moodswings induced by that, her moods seemed to be helped significantly by the use of cannabis. Now, she has no source for cannabis and has found that her symptoms have reoccured with a vengeance. She's gotten over the psychological dependence stage of cannabis...she doesn't crave marijuana anymore. However, it was the only thing controlling her moods and now she doesn't know what to do in order to keep things under control. She's been eating healthier than she has been in a very long time and also taking vitamins. She exercises when she feels up to it, but it's irregular since much of the time she just wants to lie in bed all day. She can find pleasure in almost nothing. Noises have begun to really irritate her which means no listening to music, watching movies, or watching television. She has also lost most of her ability to concentrate so whereas she used to find reading and learning enjoyable, she can't focus anymore. Her libido is also gone even though she is happily married.

She also suffers from severe and chronic insomnia (once again, for as long as she can recall which means since the age of 10 at least, although, it became worse and worse and time progressed). She doesn't know when the depression began but remembers having obsessive, constant suicidal ideations beginning at the age of 11. She saw her first therapist around the age of 13 but none of the therapists she saw during high school were really of any help. The only good one that she's had was the one after her breakdown of 2004.

I'm not sure if anyone is actually going to read through these because they are quite long, but here are two journal entries which illustrate her thoughts on her moods as well as her behavior:

"So, I have been forced to stop smoking marijuana. I haven't really had any since last Thursday. Well, I had half a bowl on Thursday and the other half on Friday but that's all. Saturday was really quite rough...both Mari's and my emotions have been running high in a not good way. Saturday, I stayed in bed all day long. Partly because I felt weak and tired and partly because any sort of noise (video games, music, movies, anything...) was really, really irritating me and making me more agitated than I was. Then, Sunday was my birthday and both of us were in mostly high spirits that day. After that, I really haven't been craving marijuana as I have in the past when I've been forced to quit due to not having a source.

But, still my insomnia persists...although, it didn't seem as if the MJ was really helping my insomnia anymore anyway. I used to be able to take OTC meds, but then for some reason my reaction changed drastically and they began making me restless during the night and EXTREMELY uncomfortable. It's possible that those few times were just flukes and maybe my reaction would be different if I tried again...but, I'd rather not go through that again. As it is, I have been taking seroquel and/or trazadone for sleep although I am definitely developing a tolerance (I'm often having to mix the two in order to put me out at night). I also seem to have developed more of a tolerance to klonopin that I had previously thought. I stayed with my mom on Tuesday night and all I had with me to sleep was klonopin and I figured 2-3 would put me out because they have in the past...I was wrong and I ended up taking six of them until I was finally able to relax and fall asleep.

I'm not sure this whole no-marijuana thing is the best route for me, however. I've never felt so misanthropic and disillusioned with life in general. I find myself wishing for horrible things to happen to other people...I also keep finding myself wanting to vandalize things which I hate such as Christian churches. Now, I don't really think I'd ever have the balls to carry through with anything of that sort (thankfully), but I find myself thinking up things to do and how to get away with such. There are just all of these hateful fantasies in my head since I quit smoking. I'm not sure if it's still the irritability associated with quitting or if it's just my mental illness manifesting. I'm beginning to think that it's the latter. I'm thinking back to the years when I wasn't smoking or doing any drugs of any kind and I remember feeling similarly misanthropic during those days (which changed when I began using DXM) but it wasn't as bad as it has been this time around. I just feel like lashing out at everything and everyone around me (excluding Mari and people whom I would consider "friends" even though I may not have seen them in forever and may never see them again) and I don't know what to do with those feelings.

In particular, I have a lot of anger directed towards my neighbor at this point in time. He's the reason why I've been forced to quit smoking. I'm not angry because he has stopped helping us get pot. I'm angry because he no longer even bothers to associate with us. We called him last Thurs. asking him to help us out and he never returned the phone call and we've called him numerous times since and he will not respond. He could even lie to us and just say that he can't help us out anymore because his hook-up has stopped selling (or moved away since the guy was thinking of moving a few weeks ago anyway). Tory, our neighbor, knows that he's our only connection now and I have discussed my mental illness with him numerous times as well as discussed my insomnia and how I use cannabis as medication for these two things. It would be common courtesy just to let us know what's going on. It's really VERY simple.

Mari called him yesterday because he still has one of her books that she let him borrow many, many months ago and she needs it for one of her classes. He finally called back yesterday to respond to that. Mari didn't mention the pot thing, but he offered to call us up sometime after 9pm when he returned home and to try to get in touch with somebody so we could get some. Then, he had the fucking audacity to never call us last night or today. At this point, I don't even want any favors from him...I might even be inclined to decline on any offer of marijuana despite the fact that I'm really losing it because I often find myself extremely agitated and angry. Anyone who knows me (aside from my mother who I can tend to take things out on) knows that I really do not have a temper of any sort so this is more than a little abnormal. I'm also one of the most forgiving and understanding people. I've been given the same advice many times in my life of "Don't let people walk all over you!" because that's the sort of person I am. My therapist even told me once that, even though she has to tell most people the opposite, a little more anger would be a good thing for me because I tend to feel responsible for every bad thing that happens without putting blame anywhere else and that worsens my depression.

Now, I recall feeling somewhat similar to how I feel now when I was 17 years old and working at a retail store full-time and also not using drugs. But, as angry as I would be, my managers would always walk all over me and I would take it with a smile because I was too timid and meek. This is also largely related to social phobia. But, I tend to think that even with my social phobia that I would be less inclined to take as much shit as I have in the past from a boss simply because I am older and have a different view of working now.

I've been doing small things to bother my neighbor as of late...now, if any of it really bothers them or not I can't say but it makes me feel better. Basically, I've just been making a lot of noise over by myself. I've been playing angry music at extremely high volumes...especially in the mornings when I'm here alone. I stomp up and down the stairs a lot. Or rather, I jump up and down the stairs to make more noise. If I'm here alone I will also make it a point to slam doors as hard as I can whenever I have to close a door. I also throw things at the wall between the conjoined townhouses. Last night, I was especially upset because he had told Mari he was going to call and then didn't. I took a flexi double-headed dildo and swung it against the wall as if it were a baseball bat many times at different intervals (the dildo has only been tried out once, but the positions it requires are awkward and not really worth it). It does make a loud noise when slung against the wall though and I scraped my knuckles a bit when I'd miss. I also find myself thinking of other things to do. It occurs to me that his power switches are right next to our's outside. I've contemplated waiting until there's no one over there and then flipping the main switch then if I were to be lucky, no one would return for a little while and perhaps some food would spoil. The thought makes me giddy and that's pretty sad. I could also do other things, but they would be illegal and I don't need cops over here. Although, the only thing we have at the moment is paraphernalia, some cannabis seeds, and a couple of dried mushrooms that I haven't figured out what to do with because it's not enough for a trip...oh, and some 2C-E dissolved in water, but I don't know how they would find that one out unless they wanted to waste a lot of money and have it fully analyzed. Still, that's enough to be arrested but I don't think we'd get into much trouble legally but then that would mean the loss of financial aid from now on which would be the major thing. So, I just need to control my impulses...I do have decent impulse control but it's just so easy to actually carry through with certain things once you have them visualized in your head.

I know that the main reason he is not helping us out is because his girlfriend has moved back to Columbia and is mostly staying over there until she finds her own place. His girlfriend never approved of his smoking pot...also, this is a superficial judgment but so be it, she looks like one of those preppy girls whom I have a distinct dislike for, but I digress. He lies to his girlfriend often like the 2,3,4 faced bitch that he is so she knows nothing of any kind of drug involvement. I'm also fairly certain that he has cheated on her while she was gone...and, if he didn't then he sure gave it a valiant effort. I recall him dancing around in the front yard trying to get the attention of some girls who were visiting another neighbor and he later actually went over there and met those neighbors. I also know that on his birthday he went to a "Pimp and Hoe party". I don't know what those are, but it certainly sounded as if he were going there with the intent to get laid. Also, when he was still doing coke every weekend with his friend Kevin...I'm pretty sure that something was going on with some girl. They mentioned on a few nights going there. I also happen to know that Kevin (who the cocaine usually belonged to) does not just share coke without getting something in return. I know this because they never offered any to us and one time when Tory tried to offer some to Mari, he became upset. But, he would always get the coke ready to take with him whenever they were on the way to this girl's house. Now, perhaps it was just Kevin getting with her but I highly doubt it. Oh, how I would just LOVE to mention these things to his girlfriend...but, I get the feeling that we're never actually going to meet her (we've only seen her come and go). I'd love to mention them not only to get back at him, but also simply because they seem to be getting serious and she really should know about her boyfriend's lies. He would also sometimes be on the phone with her whenever we were going to pick up some weed and would tell her that he was going to the store...

But, fuck it, hate usually hurts the body in which it dwells more than it hurts the target in any case. It's just that I am not used to this emotion, especially hate to this high a degree and I'm having trouble dealing with it. Surely, it will go away within a few weeks...if not, then I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't crave marijuana, but I would like to have just a bit to help me relax at times. I've been drinking a bit instead, but many times that makes me feel even angrier and doesn't relax me one bit. I really do need a therapist...I feel sorry for Mari having to deal with me lately because she is under tremendous stress and is on the verge of a breakdown herself. If it's not enough of an incentive for me to control myself for my own sake then it's enough of an incentive to attempt to control myself for Mari's sake. Although, she's angry at Tory as well and seems to be waiting for just the right moment to go over there and give him a tongue lashing. If it weren't for my anxiety then I would've already done it myself. Especially because he still has her book and she does need it back soon.

Okay, now onto other things...my birthday went very well. I really wasn't in the mood to celebrate my birthday and we didn't do a whole lot for it, but I still enjoyed it. Mari gave me three presents: two books which were "The Psychedelic Experience" by Timothy Leary and the Tori Amos book: Piece by Piece, and a nice bookmark with a pic of a baby orangutan. I read part of the former book before becoming more engrossed with the second one. The Tori Amos book would probably appeal even to those who are not a fan. It does contain biographical details, but it mostly discusses mythologies of many different cultures and how she works them into her songwriting. This is often why Tori's lyrics often sound like nonsense...she weaves in so many obscure references as well as personal details which most likely only make sense to her. She talks about how she "encodes" all sorts of details about her life in her songs. I still can't really decipher much except on the songs that she writes about and explains specifically. But, that's one of the things I like about her lyrics...they are open to wide interpretation and so one can get whatever they wish out of any particular song. It also makes me feel better that I am actually reading books now. The only thing that sucked about my birthday was that I was feeling very weak and shaky that day, but Mari was kind enough to share one of the few adderall that she has left and I felt better after that (a relatively small dose at 20mg) and we had a nice night.

The day after was my mother's birthday and I planned to go up, but I didn't really sleep the night before aside from about 3-4 hours (insomnia, not staying up to party) so she told me to stay here until Tuesday and get some rest so I would be alert to drive. So, Tuesday night I took my medicine at 9pm since I was bored anyway and fell asleep sometime around 10pm and was well-rested to drive up to Anderson on Wednesday. We didn't do a whole lot. We grilled out and watched a movie that night. My mother offered me a drink as soon as I arrived at 3pm because it was, after all, my birthday but I declined. This sort of behavior never ceases to tickle me a bit because she would always get so upset if she knew about or caught me drinking even when I was 20 years old...now, she's always offering drinks and even suggested that I have a glass of wine with my sleeping meds at night to help me sleep, haha. I also argued with her a bit over the usual things we argue about due to my increased irritability...I wanted so badly to avoid that because it was her birthday but I have a really hard time ignoring her ignorant statements...

I've had more bad luck lately. I'm really getting tired of it. It feels as if bad luck has been following me around for a few months now. It makes it incredibly difficult to be optimistic. First, a somewhat small thing, is that the dryer at my mother's house broke and wouldn't dry my second load of clothes. Right now, I've been too lazy to even take them out of the basket which will probably cause mildew, I should get them out and spread them a bit I suppose. But, the main thing that happened was that my car broke down last night while I was on the interstate driving back to Columbia. It could've been worse, however. It broke down about an hour away from home so it would've been much more of a problem had it broken down a bit earlier. About halfway through my trip, I saw my brake and battery light come on in my car...I figured I could make it on home but I was wrong. A little while later, the check engine light also came on and then my car began shaking and would not accelerate so I forced to pull over to the side of the road. At that point I turned off the car and tried to crank it but it would no longer crank. Strangely, there was a car in front of me that was also broken down and they had a friend that had come to fix it. So, I stumbled through the tall grass (making me fear that a snake was going to jump out as I was next to woods and the grass was so tall) to go ask them if they would be kind enough to have a quick look at my car before they left so that if it happened to be something simple wrong then maybe it could be fixed and I could be on my way. They were nice and did try to help a bit. Unfortunately the communication was a bit stunted because they all spoke Spanish. The owners of the broken down van spoke English well enough but they left and so it was just their friend and a young boy (son or nephew I suppose) left to check out the car. The guy new just a small bit of English, but mostly was relying on the young boy to translate what I was saying to him and then the boy would translate back to me the response. He just checked the engine quickly and told me it was probably the alternator (which is what I also suspect is the problem after talking to Mari a bit about it)...they asked where I was headed and I told them to Columbia and they asked which part but I really don't know what part of Columbia I am in because I'm just pathetic and not practical like that...sounded as if they would be willing to give me a ride but never offered. Of course, I wouldn't have accepted a ride from a stranger anyway, but they were nice.

They seemed to care more at least than the one policeman that stopped by briefly to see what was going on. He looked generally disinterested and not friendly. I explained that I was having car trouble and described what happened as the car broke down hoping that maybe he was somewhat knowledgeable about cars and could help me, but he just gave me a blank stare. So, I explained further that I had called my mother who lives in Anderson and she was trying to find out about getting a tow truck. I also said that I had given my "roommate" (Mari) a call, but she didn't get out of class until around 6:30pm and it was about 6 o'clock at the time. So, he was like, "okay then, so you have people helping" and I said "Yes, well sort of, ya know." and he said "okay then, just call 911 if you have any kind of problem." and then just drove off. This just furthers my dislike of police...the strangers in front of me were more concerned and willing to help than the policemen whose duty is supposed to be to help those in need.

Anyway, I called Mari a few times telling her what was up and asking her to call as soon as she got out of class. I waited, and waited...It was 5:45 when I broke down and it wasn't until sometime a bit after 7 that I finally heard from Mari. Poor Mari, she has been under SO much stress lately and hardly sleeping at all. What had happened was that while she was doing some reading for a class she began nodding off, literally falling asleep sitting up. She knew that she couldn't drive to class in that state so she opted to stay home and take a nap. She didn't wake up until 7 o'clock or so and then went to call me because I should've been home by that part. I was SO relieved just to hear her voice at that point because the sun was beginning to set which meant it would be dark soon and I didn't know what to do or what could've happened to Mari. I had left messages but she called me before checking them and asked where I was and I explained that my car had broken down and I had been on the side of the interstate since about a quarter 'til six. She apologized profusely and seemed to feel really bad about it. It wasn't her fault though. She couldn't have predicted such a thing and I know how exhausted she's been. So, I told her approximately where I was (I knew what exit I had passed last so that's all I was able to tell her about my location) and she quickly got ready and left but she had to get gas first and, as I said, I had broken down about an hour away from our house. I was getting more and more worried though because my phone was dying at this point. Also, my emergency blinkers were giving out on me. My car is black so it would be pretty hard to spot on the side of the road with no light. I would turn off my phone for awhile after I would talk to her each time to find out where she was and how close she was so I would know when to turn on my blinkers since I couldn't just leave them on because they were going out. Turning off my phone whenever I could seemed to work as it continued working (although beeping and saying low battery every time I would turn it on and call) until Mari found me. By the time she arrived, my blinkers had gone entirely off, but the light inside my car was still working a bit although the light was getting dimmer and dimmer. So, when she was within about 10-15 minutes from where I was I opened my trunk and started getting everything together that had any value. Then, I just walked Frida (who I had taken to Anderson with me) around and kept the trunk open and a few cars open so that she would hopefully be able to see me and the car when she passed by. It worked, and since it was getting late we decided to just lock the car and leave it there to be towed today (which it has been although it's in a different city). The mechanic's place doesn't have my keys, of course, so we're going to have to find time somehow to get those to them so they can fix it. I don't know my way to Newberry, where the car's at, or around the city so I sort of need Mari to come with me but she is supposed to work every day this weekend. She said that she's going to try to get a bit of time off to drive me up there though.

Having no car has certainly made my mood worse. Especially since Mari is often gone for the majority of the day so I have no way to get out and go to the store or go wherever during the day. I don't know how to get to the place where Mari works. But, she's going to try to help me out with that so I can just drop her off and have the car to use during the day. Hopefully, it won't take very long to fix my car though. I wouldn't expect that it would if it is, indeed, the alternator which is a common problem. It shouldn't be the battery because I had that replaced about a year ago when my battery died and wouldn't recharge anymore with a jumpstart. Otherwise, I know nothing about cars so I don't have any idea what the problem could possibly be. But, insurance is covering the cost of the tow truck and my mother is going to take care of the cost to fix the car.

So, things could definitely be better at the moment than they are. I'm really getting tired of the streak of bad luck...I just keep waiting for it to end. But, one good thing is that I racked up a total of $300 in birthday cash which is certainly a very good thing. Now, I can buy that pressure cooker I want for my mushroom grow project. But, I'm not quite as excited about it as I had been...I'm wondering if I should even spend the money on the cooker and spores at this point, but I'm sure I'll end up doing it anyway. At least with being forced to stop smoking, I am also not spending my money on marijuana so it helps my bank account a bit so I can spare a bit more cash than usual. And, even though I don't feel as excited about my little project, I do know that it would be a little something to keep me occupied and I would enjoy it. I've also been considering ordering a little kratom since I haven't in quite some time and that would be something to help me relax some. Although, it can't be a daily thing because of tolerance and also just because of the cost and having to order from offline. But, it'd be a nice treat to have every so often.

Okay, that's quite enough writing for now..."

And most recently:

"Blegh, more weird moodiness...I couldn't sleep last night at all. I've decided that taking seroquel and/or trazadone for sleep could possibly be interfering with my moods although I haven't really noticed it since I started taking them some time ago, but it's better to be on the safe side. Anyway, I decided to try the benadryl thing again. I took two of those and waited but I didn't feel any effects so I took two klonopin and waited...still no effects. So, I took one more klonopin and one more benadryl. I started feeling slightly tired and Mari was already sound asleep at 2am so I went to bed. I couldn't sleep. I didn't feel restless as I had before with the benadryl, but I just couldn't sleep. I felt a bit drowsy but I couldn't sleep. I got back up around 4:30am and went downstairs for awhile and played on the computer and then went back upstairs sometime after 6am to lie back down. I never did fall asleep, but I was tired so I laid in bed until around 11am tossing and turning. Some people with insomnia may think that they do not sleep, but in actuality do fall asleep for awhile. I know when I don't fall asleep because I remain aware of the passage of time and I would notice if a significant chunk of time passed without my noticing. I finally got out of bed to take a shower because I sometimes find that I can fall asleep after a night of no sleep after I take a shower. I went back to bed afterwards and laid there and realized that I was going to be unable to fall asleep. I hate that in-between state between sleep and wakefulness and felt that I was going to be in that state for the rest of the day. Also, noises were bothering me once again and Mari was going to be working 1:30-9:30pm which left me wondering what I was going to do with my day. I couldn't listen to music or anything because of the aversion to noise and I also couldn't get out of the house because of having no car. I also knew that I wasn't going to be able to concentrate on much in my sleep-deprived state so reading anything was also out of the question. I started to feel trapped and panicked. First the tears came followed by hyperventillation and then vomiting. I felt horrible and really did not want to be left alone in the house until 10pm. Mari was downstairs and heard me when I went to the bathroom to throw-up. She came up and helped me calm down, mostly this consisted of slowing down my breathing and trying to relax. She held and comforted me and said that she was calling in to work to tell them that she was going to be late. She offered to call off work completely if I needed her to. But, really, after I calmed down I mostly felt fine again and told her that wasn't necessary. She took out a children's book, "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" which happened to be a favorite for the both of us and it made me laugh a bit and lighten up. I explained what was going through my head and how the lack of healthy sleep was really getting to me so she went to the grocery store up the street to pick up some different sleeping pills which I hope are going to work tonight and she also picked me up something to eat. After that, she got ready to leave. I became teary-eyed once again simply because I wasn't sure if the mood was going to come back or not after she left and I didn't want to be left alone if it did. But, I figured I would be fine and said that she could go on in to work. So, I've been okay today aside from that which was strange. Although, at this point (7:30pm) I am starting to feel quite tired again.
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Okay, I began writing this last night. After the last sentence, I closed my laptop and went to lay in bed to rest a bit. But, I couldn't. I started crying again...a lot. And, I was even talking to myself, which is fine, but that's something which I never do unless I'm very distressed. At this point, I am very, very worried. I'm afraid that this could be the beginning of another major depressive episode. Those things are killers and I haven't had one since I withdrew from Clemson, I don't think...or at least that was the worst one in recent times. I was also depressed when I withdrew from USC last fall semester. The depression met the criteria for a depressive episode, but it didn't last as long as before and it wasn't quite as severe. I suppose I would say that it was moderate. Either way, both kinds impair my functioning to a degree where I am really useless during those times.

I've been questioning the nature of my illness lately. I've disussed it with Mari quite a bit because it really feels like whatever it is that happens to me is something just a bit different than simple depression (not to downplay depression, of course, I'd rather break several bones in my body and be bruised all over than go through a major depression). There's really no time in between my major episodes where my moods are actually what one may call "normal". Mari suggested the other day that it sounds like cyclothymia and after reading a description I see why. Here is some diagnostic criteria:

"Cyclothymic Disorder is a chronic bipolar disorder consisting of short periods of mild depression and short periods of hypomania. These symptoms may last a few days to a a number of weeks. The onset is separated by short periods of normal mood. Individuals with cyclothymia are never totally free of symptoms of either depression or hypomania for more than a number of months at a time. Diagnostic criteria is as follows:

Symptoms present for at least 2 years, the patient has had periods of hypomanic symptoms and periods of low mood that don't fulfill the criteria for Major Depressive Disorder.

The longest period the patient has been free of mood swings is 2 months.

During the first 2 years of this disorder, the patient has not fulfilled criteria for Manic, Mixed, or Major Depressive Episode.

Schizoaffective disorder doesn't explain the disorder better, and it isn't superimposed on Schizophrenia, Schizophreniform Disorder, Delusional Disorder or Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.

The symptoms are not directly caused by a general medical condition or the use of any substances, including prescription medications.

These symptoms cause the patient clinically important distress or impair work, social or personal functioning."

Note that it says for the first 2 years one doesn't meet the criteria for a major depressive episode. Once a person does finally cross that line, the diagnosis will be Cyclothymia and Bipolar II disorder. Bipolar II disorder is the less severe form of bipolar disorder. That is, it is the form without full-blown mania and psychosis. I also go through hypomanic episodes which I never really knew what they were until sometime within the past year or two. I think this also explains my sensitivity to SSRI's. When I began taking Zoloft, it did work and I was happy. That's what I saw it as: I was just really happy and energetic. However, now when I think back on it...it was hypomania. I was regularly driving on the interstate going speeds over 100mph and often reaching 120mph even at night-time when I couldn't see well...I would turn on my brights and floor it. I also spent a few thousand dollars of my loan money during a very short time period. Also, I was stealing...not much, just little trinket type things in cheap, small stores which had no alarms or security. I even attempted to steal a library book during that time because I had a library fine that I couldn't pay. My thinking was this: knowledge should be free...no one owns it. I am entitled to this book. It was a small book and I curled it up and put it in my pocket and snuck to the bathroom where I proceeded to rip off barcodes and everything I could see that could trip off the alarms. I missed something apparently and still set off the alarm but luckily I had chosen to walk out with the book in my hand as if I had checked it out so the guard just told me to go have it rescanned. I walked up to the table knowing it couldn't be scanned and the woman said that someone had messed up the book and I couldn't check it out and that was the end of it. All of these things are not typical behavior for me.

Then, my experience with Paxil during high school was awful. It made things significantly worse. I was not sleeping at all during this time period...well, about 10-15 hours a week. I would stay up at night and pace, do jumping jacks, do push-ups, etc...anything to try to make myself tired. I would exercise during the day as well and still no sleep. I became delerious and delusional. I have a few examples that I could share, but they're really quite meaningless. The one that does stand out though is that one day I felt as if I were manic. It doesn't constitute a manic episode because it only lasted a day, but it was frightening. I can't say whether it was related to the Paxil or the sleep deprivation....possibly both. But, I began having racing thoughts which I had absolutely no control over. I would have 5-6 different thought patterns occurring all at once...as if my consciousness had been sliced up. I couldn't understand the thoughts because I could only focus on one or two of the streams of consciousness at once and then I would have the rest of them running in the background. I thought I had finally lost my mind that day, but luckily it went away. It was also this year that I had a grand mal seizure for apparently no reason. The only explanation that I've been able to think of is perhaps I took a double-dose of Paxil that day by accident (and I was on the highest prescribed dosage by this time) and that triggered it. But, then now that I think of it...if that had been the case then I should've been feeling uncomfortable the entire day but I don't recall feeling shakey or anything like that which I'm pretty sure that I would've had I actually taken that high of a dose. I don't know if that could be a symptom of any sort of mental illness (haven't had any problems with seizures since) or if it was just a fluke, but it was strange.

Also, now that I actually know what hypomania is and I'm thinking back to the time when I was free of any major depressive episode and considered myself healthy...I was actually alternating between hypomania and mild depression. I just thought that the elation was because I had finally come out of the darkness so I was more appreciative of the happiness which compounded the happiness and resulted in feelings of pure joy. I was very productive, goal-oriented, and I was actually social during this time period all of which are part of hypomania. I would also have the mild depression, but I didn't think much of it because I had noticed the pattern that it would come and go every so often and only last a week or two so it was nothing to be concerned about. And, when I wasn't mildly depressed, I had so much energy I didn't know what to with myself. I would exercise about two hours every day or every other day and would run around the house dancing, shouting, and hopping up and down on furniture. I thought it was the greatest thing ever...I thought FINALLY I am rid of my depression and can have a normal life. I thought that perhaps the depression before was just a teenage-phase and had been due to hormones. I thought I was free...boy, did the universe play a cruel trick on me.

This is the reason why I didn't recognize the depression at Clemson until it had become absolutely and totally unbearable. I kept waiting for it to just go away like it had during the previous year or two. But, it didn't, it just worsened. I didn't understand and it was a hard blow for me. The DXM use definately played a role, but other than that I was doing everything in my power to try to fix the depression. I joined school clubs so I wouldn't feel so isolated and I studied like mad every day, but my focus was gone as well as my memory and my grades continued to decline despite my efforts. I felt so beaten. I had been tricked. I thought that my mental illness had gone away the previous years and there it was back staring me in the face in full-blown attack mode.

Now, I know that self-diagnosis can really lead one down the wrong path and I'm not saying for sure that I know what this illness is to be termed. So many symptoms of different disorders overlap...I look at major depressive disorder and I meet the criteria, I look at cyclothymia and I meet the criteria, and I look at bipolar II and I meet the criteria as well. It could be be just one of those, it could be two of them, it could be all three, or it could be something else entirely. I have no idea. I don't think that psychologists ever even really know about making diagnoses despite their training. Psychology is still in a very primitive state. They don't know what exactly causes most if not all disorders and they also know very little about most of the medications that they deal out. Much of the time, all they know is that trials indicate that a certain percentage of people respond positively to certain medications when treated for whatever disorders they have. They can hypothesize the reasons why, but much of the time the they can't say exactly why the medication works or why it works on some people and not others. This is another thing which really concerns me, but I'll get to that in a second.

Okay, so it says with cyclothymia that there should be at least two years during the initial onset where there should be no full-blown major depressive episodes. So, where are my two years? I'm not sure exactly, I suspect sometime during middle school or even late elementary school. All that I do know is that the first time I actually recall having suicidal ideations (not just fleeting thoughts, but obsessive thinking about suicide every single day) when I was 11 years old. It is also during middle school that I first recall my sleeping problems. But, even thinking back further...I was never a happy child (even my aunt pointed this out to me when I finally admitted my mental illness to her). I also have tapes of when I was three years old and taking swimming lessons. On these tapes, all of the other children are relatively calm. There are a few teary eyes, but they are okay. I, however, am completely freaking out every single day. Now, I assume that my behavior was seen as a child's tantrum, but I still have some of the memories of this time and it was more like a panic attack. I feared for my life and that's why I was freaking out. I don't mean sobbing a bit...on the tapes I scream at the top of my lungs throughout the entire swimming lesson every day. I am screaming "HELP!! Somebody help me!! Mom!! HELP!!" I respond this way to something as simple as the instructor telling us to sit at the edge of the pool and kick our legs and splash. I refuse to put my legs into the water and back up further and further every time until someone has to actually grab me and hold me to keep me put at the edge of the pool. It happens every day...I kick and scream every day. I have to have a person in charge of solely watching me at all times or else I will flee the building (and did once or twice). I would grab onto whatever I could trying to avoid the water, even if I was pulling someone's hair. It strikes me as strange behavior and it makes me think that my anxiety was already manifesting in a very visible way at such a young age. Or is it just being a kid? I don't know, but it really seems and looks like more.

And, it continues through elementary school...something was wrong. It could be seen as childhood shyness, but I wouldn't associate with the other children. In fifth grade, my teacher actually started giving me special homework assignments to encourage me to interact. This was partly do to my mother's influence though because she had a meeting with my teacher because she was concerned about me so this is how my teacher decided to handle the situation. She would give me assignments such as: write down the names of three people in the classroom who you feel you would be most comfortable talking to. Initiate a conversation with one of them. Then it ended after she told me to invite one of them to sit with me at lunch (I always sat alone at the end of the table)...that was too much for me and it became to much of a strain to get me dressed and ready for school in the morning because I was absolutely terrified. So, my mother finally told the teacher to just stop with the assignments because I was so distressed.

So, reflecting on my life...I'm thinking was there ever even a time period when I was actually well?? I can't find it. I mean, I know there are happy memories and such...and maybe this is selective recall, but it really looks as if the large majority of my life has involved mental abnormalities and distress. This is one of the things I was thinking of last night when I was crying. I feel like my life has been stolen from me...everything: my childhood, my adolescence, my adult life, and my future. And, there's hardly anything I can do about it. I can keep going to therapy when I need to and get back on medication, but I don't want to live like that. This brings me back to the medication part and why I am concerned about it. Like I said, psychiatric meds aren't very well understood and can have very significant and often very negative effects. Let's say that I go to the doctor and I'm prescribed a medication and it works...okay, good. But, medications most often lose their effectiveness after a certain period of time and then medications must be switched. If I'm going to have to go through this for the rest of my life, I know that there are going to be many medications which I will have to sort my way through. What will the effects be? Certain medications could cause me to lose touch with reality and/or become suicidal. There's always that risk...I try out a new medication and could lose my rational functions and do something drastic and irreversible.

"Once I had a little game
I liked to crawl back in my brain
I think you know the game I mean
Well I mean the game called 'go insane'

Now you should try this little game
Just close your eyes forget your name
Forget the world, forget the people
And we'll erect a different steeple

This little game is fun to do
Just close your eyes, I'm going too
And I'm right there, no way to lose
Release control, we're breaking through

Once I had a little game
I liked to crawl back in my brain
I think you know the game I mean
I mean the game called 'go insane'"

I'm worried right now because by the end of next week I need to have everything squared away to return to school. I don't know if what I am going through is the onset of a major depressive episode or if I'm just having moodswings because of stress or even because of hormones (my period should be coming up soon although I don't know exactly when and I often get severe PMS where once again I am hardly able to function during that time). If these are just mood swings lately then I can deal with that and school...I think. I also worry because these are accelerated 10 week courses which means that I can't afford to "lose it" even if it is only for a couple of days. If I hadn't already withdrawn twice from school and if I didn't have to worry about loan collectors coming after me then I would definately wait until the spring to go back. My mother also is pushing really hard for me to be back in school and I understand that. I want to be back in school and I want to be productive...but if this is the beginning of a major depressive episode (as they say, depression is something that happens gradually and then suddenly) then school is going to make it much, much worse. I also know that I will need treatment and if I am not in school then I do not have insurance and can't afford decent treatment. I've been to many therapists during my life and I know that it's very important to have a good one and those are often difficult to find...even if I can see a therapist without insurance then that would mean that I can't exactly be very selective about it.

I was talking to Mari about this last night and she was quite encouraging and put my mind at ease a bit. Her mother happens to be a psychologist and her father happens to be a lawyer. So, if it does turn out that I'm going into a depression and these aren't just moodswings then we can seek their advice about how I can handle this without being in school and having insurance. Her mother should know what options I have as I have no insurance and her father could be able to help in how I can get the loan people off my back until I am well. Also, Mari knows a good therapist in town that she was going to before. The therapist will sometimes take on cases pro bono or at very reduced rates...this is partly because she only has her master's and not a Ph.D. Mari has always spoken highly of the therapist so I have confidence that she would be able to help.

I'm just not sure what to do at this point...I'm already freaking out when I think of going up to the school during the coming week to get financial aid and residency established. If I'm already freaking out about that, then how am I supposed to handle classes? I also don't know about the attendance policy and if I do become depressed then there are certain days when I am absolutely unable to attend classes...these are the days when I just can't quit crying and if I can get out of bed then that is a major accomplishment. I am also aware of how depression interferes with my concentration and how that will hinder my ability to perform well. And, if I am not able to perform well then I will become even more stressed which lead to my depression becoming even worse. Classes don't start for another couple of weeks so I'm just going to have to see how my moods are until then before I am able to determine whether or not I'll be able to pull off the academic thing.

I just want to be well. That's all. I used to have dreams of accomplishing significant things, but no longer. I just want to be well. I've been dealing with mental illness for as long as I can remember. I am sick of being sick. I'm tired of it. It just seems so unfair. When I think of how different my life could be if I wasn't plagued by this, it just brings me to tears. All of those lost hopes, dreams, opportunities...I hate it. It makes me sick to my stomach when I think of all of the people that are going to accomplish so much more than I am going to be able to accomplish...these people whose intellectual capabilites are below mine. The frat boys, the sorority girls...they can have happy, successful lives and not have this worry of going insane. It makes me sad and I tear up now just thinking about it. These sorts of disorders can often get much worse with age. How far down will I go? And, there's the unpredictability of it. I don't like to set goals and make plans for myself anymore because I don't know how I'll feel from one day to the next or even from one hour to the next. What a cruel game this is...."
-------------

Okay, that's all that I am going to share from swim's journal.

Does anyone have any advice at all? Swim is going to have her wife call up her old therapist and see if she can see her at a reduced rate. Swim is not sure what she'll do about medication...swim's doing all she can at the moment to help herself as far as trying to just be healthy, but that's not adequate treatment for swim. Things seem to be getting worse and worse and swim fears she's really losing it this time. As I said, cannabis was keeping swim's moods under control just fine but she can't find any anymore. Does anyone know what sort of treatment options swim has as a person with no income and no insurance? Or does anyone know any sort of supplements that could help? She's tried 5-HTP before as well as Sam-E and neither one of those helped. Any suggestions?

Also, swim is also taking a break from the drugs-forum mostly at this time aside from this thread...

[nanobrain]

1. stop any dissociatives as in yesterday.
2. look for nonpharmacological ways. try travel to a third world nation whose tongue you dont speak, no tour guides, of course, and by yourself, if you can afford it. there are always ways to afford it. travel puts a perspective on your worldview and makes you realise there is alot more to life than the self-imposed cage you chose (really, it is all up to you - especially if you wnat to get well).

intent, focus and the universe opens up to provide exactly what you may need and always, should you - who else - empower yourelf.

5HTP is crap, if mood stabilisation is what you are after, it can in fact lead to fatigue, and if you are wary of big pharma offerings, try l-phenylalanine 1000 mg/d in the morning before breakfast followed by 5mg selegeline, prior to which you should learn of selective irreversible MAOIs. that combo will get rid of any sluggishness and low-level depression almost within days.

and hey, i for one am all for medical mj, and the easiest way to get some at university is to just find the closest trustafarian (identified by beind dreadocked, white and driving a BMW) - or better yet a real hippy - and just straight up ask for it. those who know will know, and appreciate your unique position, which is afterall a family tradition.

dont give up, bon chance, go to India and get a perspective of what real troubles and joys are.

are you involved in any strenous sporting activity to the point of endorphin release? nothing like it.

why do you feel inadequate comparing your potential accomplishments to others, what need will it satisfy should you best them and achieve, um, whatever?

think of what would make you truly happy. oh and someone once said, if you dont like the dream you are dreaming maybe its not your dream.

[bewilderment]

Well, swim hasn't had any dissociatives in quite awhile...maybe two months ago (maybe more) and that was ketamine...and swim doesn't really remember the last time DXM was used but it's been a very long time and she quit using it regularly about a year ago. Swim has decided since writing this not to seek treatment for the time being unless she becomes suicidal. This is always the worst symptom and she has come VERY close to commiting the act many times in her life...once going so far as to write a note and then sit next to a gun for about an hour flipping it over in her hands, putting it in her mouth, next to her head...before deciding that she was not thinking rationally and she should wait at least a month before doing something irreversible. She knows that she would never actually do a half-hearted attempt and she would actually die. She's also taken a cocktail of about 40 pills before, not as a suicide attempt but just because she didn't want to be conscious that day which she wasn't and lost her memory of. There are a few more I could detail, but I'll spare the rest. That's the thing that she worries about the most: losing her rational faculties and doing something stupid like that. She also worries because she knows that this type of disorder gets worse with age (and she has noticed this) so she is concerned about what will happen without treatment.

She knows that this is biological and has been inherited from her father...she notices very similar behavior between him and herself. Also, her biological grandmother was put into a mental institution where she remained most of her life (also there during or directly after the birth of her father) so her father was adopted by his aunt and uncle. Her father has never been treated and his life is simply a trainwreck. He doesn't have social phobia as she does, but he never holds down a job for more than a few months and is homeless...he stays in hotels when he has the money, but otherwise has to live out of his car or stays with friends when he has them. Relatives have taken him in a number of times, but found it impossible to deal with him and eventually had to cut him off. She knows that she is much different than her father, and knows that she's not going to end up homeless and alone but she also knows he is completely miserable and worries that if she let's things go on long enough that she'll end up in a similar mental state.

Also, her anxiety is becoming worse although not necessarily in social situations as she's starting to get a grip on that. However, last night she had an episode where at first she was just sweating profusely and her heart was racing and then she began having tremors and shaking all over. Her teeth used to chatter uncontrollably when she was anxious but haven't for quite some time (about two years) and this began happening last night once again. She took a klonopin which her wife has a script for even though she HATES taking these because they tend to make her feel depressed. So, after the anxiety was over she started in with the crying until she gained composure and decided to get out of the house for awhile which was okay, but when she returned she started crying again. There was no real reason for the crying or depressed mood aside from perhaps the klonopin.

As for having enough money to travel, she does not. She usually finds that the only jobs she is qualified for (customer service or restaurants basically...things which involve a lot of interaction with people) cause her enough stress to trigger a depressive episode. She simply can't justify selling her sanity for minimum wage. At the moment, she relies on the kindness of her partner's parents to pay their rent and her spouse also works but does not get paid well. Her own mother helps when she can, but is in debt herself so she can't very much. And even so, it's not that she feels sorry for herself or thinks that she is worse off than others that causes her depression. Usually, the depression comes first and then she fends it off however she can for as long as she can but eventually she will fall into that self-absorption that is associated with depression and will feel sorry for herself because the illness interferes with everything in her life. This is a common pattern for those who have already gone through three or more episodes of major depression: eventually, the depression doesn't have to have a cause but begins occuring rather sporadically although stress often plays a factor. In any case, she doesn't think that traveling to a third world country and seeing all of the suffering would make her feel better about herself. She thinks that it would make her feel worse. Often when she becomes depressed, it's not necessarily herself that she feels bad for but rather the world as a whole and all of the suffering that goes on that she feels sad about.

Also, her partner happens to be bipolar but is bipolar I whereas swim suspects the she is, herself, Bipolar II. It was actually her wife who first began pointing out how she had similar behaviors (albeit swim has never had a full-blown manic episode...well, she doesn't think so anyway since there hasn't been psychosis. Hmmm...well, there have been delusional thoughts, this is before swim ever even touched a hallucinogen or marijuana) before her wife began therapy and medication. Her wife also already has one suicide attempt under her belt. She almost succeeded and did "die" briefly but was revived by paramedics. So, her wife has been urging swim strongly to get into therapy and begin medication because she is quite worried about swim. Swim also knows that she has become rather difficult to be around at times and this is also another reason why her wife most likely would like to see her getting treatment. Swim's mother has also been urging swim to seek help.

However, swim hates psychiatric medication and will do anything to avoid it. The last time she was put on medication, Zoloft, it was her last resort. Swim had become obsessed with suicide and had been keeping a "suicide journal" and was planning on leaving that as opposed to a suicide note. In the journal, she would include her thoughts and feelings as well as statistics and other data from research as well as excerpts from suicide notes she had found during her research that described things similar to what swim was feeling at the time. Then, on the day when she decided to actually carry through with the plan (going to her mother's house where her mother had a pistol) she decided that as a last-ditch effort she would go to the counseling center on campus. The counselor there immediately wanted to put her on Zoloft and swim refused several times stating her dislike of psychiatric medication but the counselor was persistent and swim was desperate so she eventually gave in.

try l-phenylalanine 1000 mg/d in the morning before breakfast followed by 5mg selegeline, prior to which you should learn of selective irreversible MAOIs. that combo will get rid of any sluggishness and low-level depression almost within days.

Swim will look into these and see if they help at all. Also, she hasn't been feeling sluggish she's been feeling highly agitated and has been getting little sleep. Would these exacerbate these feelings?

why do you feel inadequate comparing your potential accomplishments to others, what need will it satisfy should you best them and achieve, um, whatever?

Swim doesn't feel inadequate in any way whatsoever aside from her illness which keeps often keeps her from doing things which she would like to do. She actually has pretty high self-esteem most of the time. She doesn't really care anymore about potential accomplishments or dreams she once had but has realized she will be unable to pursue due to the stress of a heavy load at school as well as the stress that having a fulfilling career would entail. Instead, she will pursue "quieter" career options. She has decided that this isn't necessarily a bad thing and will allow to have more of a personal life where she can have fulfillment. She just gets angry sometimes when she thinks of what she is being deprived of. But, these are mostly just times when she feels depressed and otherwise she doesn't mind much. She just wants some stability and happiness. That's all. And, I really wouldn't call these things self-imposed...some of it can be but most of it is not. As I mentioned, usually the mood comes first and she fights it as best as she knows how but sometimes no matter what she tries the mood eventually gets the upper-hand. It's a tug-of-war between her and the illness and biology, genetics, and predisposition are extremely strong opponents.

and hey, i for one am all for medical mj, and the easiest way to get some at university is to just find the closest trustafarian (identified by beind dreadocked, white and driving a BMW) - or better yet a real hippy - and just straight up ask for it. those who know will know, and appreciate your unique position, which is afterall a family tradition.

Swim currently is not in school (but will be taking classes soon). But, in any case, she's never even been able to work up the nerve to buy alcohol due to social anxiety much less being able to walk up to someone and ask about weed. And, if she did, she's not sure she would be trusted as she has the appearance of an innocent straight-laced young girl. Often, she attracts the conservative Christian crowds as friends. Most people are absolutely shocked when they discover that swim does drugs. Her spouse, on the other hand, has a more alternative appearance and has been looking out for those who may offer a helping hand in such matters but her spouse is also shy and has a hard time asking about such things.

Also, out of curiosity, when would you consider a mental disorder serious enough to actually take psychiatric medication(s)?

But, in any case, swim has been feeling a little better than she had been when she posted this. Also, as far as drugs playing a role at this point...the only drugs that have been used are alcohol (at night-time before bed) and klonopin on some nights to sleep (alternating between OTC sleep meds).

Swim denotes a slight change in disposition in a journal entry from three days ago: "I was up most of the night last night despite taking 50mg of Diphenhydramine HCL and 25mg of Doxylamine succinate. I don't know when I fell asleep...most likely sometime around 5am or so, but I slept in until noon so I did get enough sleep despite the fact that I'm groggy at the moment. I did a lot of thinking about my current situation and some research. I was researching bipolar disorders once again which I found are definately linked with seizure disorders as there is a lot of seizure-like activity in the brain of one with one of these disorders. I don't have a seizure disorder, but perhaps that would help explain my seizure 7 years ago. And, I don't know why and she hasn't mentioned it since, but Mari mentioned to be before that I was sometimes shaking in my sleep as if I was having a slight seizure. I don't think that I was, but I do know I have a tendency towards tremors. My teeth used to chatter frequently for seemingly no reason also..not cold or anything and not something I could control. It happened once or twice when I first started dating Mari and it made me pretty self-conscious. I also found that often hypomania can be triggered by sleep deprivation. So, yeah, more and more I am becoming convinced. However, after doing research on medications...man, there's some nasty ones out there that would be likely to be prescribed. I don't want any part of that. I've decided that I don't really want any treatment right now. I'm okay. I'm shakey emotionally, but I'm alright. But, my criteria of being alright is probably much lower than most people's. Here is my one and only criteria for being okay: I don't want to kill myself. That's it. I don't want to kill myself so I am alright for the time being. If this changes then I will seek help. My mom has offered to pay anything to get me help at this point. I think I've freaked her out a bit because I sent one of my journal entries where I was describing symptoms because I wanted her input on what I should do about school. I assured her that I was doing fine...I'm having mood swings but I don't have any thoughts of self-harm so I am fine. But, ever since then she's been very worried and even went so far as to say "I will even sell the house to pay for you to get better if it comes down to that." That's way too excessive. My mother doesn't have the money to pay for doctor's bills. I don't want to put a strain on her financially...I do that enough as it is.

I've decided that I don't want treatment right now. I don't want to have to see some poorly-paid quack because I have no insurance and have him prescribe me something crazy. I'm also not sure what I would be accomplishing in therapy. I mean, sure, if I had insurance I would go ahead and go to therapy but it's not absolutely necessary right now. As I said, I did a lot of thinking last night and stumbled upon some spring of self-confidence which is telling me that I can handle this. And, I'm not sure why this is, but when I started thinking about all of the things which are being hindered by my social anxiety...well, I decided I can overcome that as well. I just have to. I've done it before when I've been under great stress to do so and I can do it again. That's the main thing that's holding me back and I've been in talk-therapy for that off and on since I was 13. What's more really going to help? I know all I need to know: I know that my thoughts are irrational and I know that if I can just work up the strength to change behavior then my thoughts will become more rational as a reaction to that. I'm tired of the "woe is me" attitude I've been taking on and I'm just going to stop it. I can do whatever I want and I will do whatever I want. I don't have a problem with self-esteem...I'm as good as everyone else out there and I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. If I lack a few social skills and am awkward, so what? Some ignorant person will think badly of me? Who cares? I'm not trying to impress anyone, I'm happily married. And, anyway, who's paying any attention to me? I'm not conspicuous in anyway...I dress and behave normally in public. There's no reason to feel like everyone's looking at me (a symptom of social phobia) because they're not. If someone is sitting there scrutinizing others around them then there are plenty of people who superficially appear much stranger than me.

The two things which are concerning me the most is 1)my insomnia and 2)lack of concentration. But, I don't really know what can be done about the insomnia. I mean, sure, I could go to a sleep clinic and get some meds. But, we have plenty of sleep medication around here and I don't need more. It just makes me groggier the next day anyway. I don't know what to do about the concentration thing. It should just come back on its own. I know I go through these phases of hyper-focus and then having no ability to focus whatsoever. It's bothering me right now, but it will go away. I think that I'm going to start in on a nootropic regimen again. I wish I could convince my mom to help me pay for that, but I think I'm just going to have to pay for it myself at first. Then, if it works then I'll explain it to her whenever I run out and if she's really willing to help me that much financially for me to be well then she'll help me out. If not, then so be it.

For now, I'm just going to try to take care of myself and I will take a class or two this semester which will get me out of the house which should be good for me. I just don't need to overdo it. Then, next semester I can take classes at a normal pace (as opposed to these 10-week classes) and I will be fine. Everything will be fine."

Anyway, I do appreciate your response nano and the supplements will be taken into consideration as I do some research on them.

[ponygirl]

I am very sleepy now and have a massive headache from having an outdated glasses script but I feel I need to at least reply a little:

I have been though this...In fact...a couple months ago I was pondering killing myself. So silly. I have been on the hard core psyc meds, I have done the Zoloft, I have done the self medicating. SWIY can get though this...really. An easy answer? I wish I had one. I found out that my mental disorders stemmed from this disease I have called Celiacs disease. It is even linked to schizophrenia and autism! Tell SWIY to try changing things in SWIY's life. Change of diet, start working out at different times of the day. Keep a food journal on top of everything...see if moods are linked to certain food. See if SWIY is eating a lot of something. Try eating whole fruits, veggies and meats and cut out all the junk or processed food and see. Vitamin defincies can mimic or cause serious mental disorders. I will answer longer when I am in my head...but if SWIY ever needs anything at all, please tell SWIY to PM me and I will be glad to chat! I know how lonely something like this feels!

[El Calico Loco]

I feel for your friend. My own friend Swim has gone through a great deal this year.

It began with a self-destructive trip well beyond the edge: two weeks spent rampaging through the deserts of the American Southwest, doing things he had never done before and many he wouldn't do again. He smoked meth and crack and had sex with strangers. His life was a David Lynch movie.

He returned to sanity and reality, but changed. He began to experiment with better drugs, research chemicals he found on the Internet.

2C-I helped him regain the empathy he had somehow lost over the years. It improved his social skills and relationships.

2C-E helped him to solve many vexing problems involving his personality and philosophy (including some he didn't even know he had). No other chemical has been as healing.

DXM was shock therapy - the powerful dissociative made him remember terrible things that happened to him as a child. He drove many hours to interview witnesses to make sure it wasn't just drugs playing tricks on him. It wasn't.

These months of torment and enlightenment have left him exhausted, but healthier and happier.

Will it work for everyone? No. I think it depends on whether the problem is with the hardware or the software, so to speak. My Swim has no physical problems with his brain - it was all in the programming. Chemicals helped him to wipe away the negative encodings. They haven't made him perfect - he can still have a bad day - but he's much better now.

Someone with a hardware problem might have genuine need for antidepressants...but I think one should make damn sure that it is hardware, and not software, before going down that road. I've had reason to study psychology recently, and I think SSRIs and benzodiazepines are far, far over-prescribed. It's just easier for the sawbones and the patient than years of therapy.

SSRIs and benzos can also have rebound effects, leading to worse depression and anxiety than before. The Blind Hermit tells me that MAOIs are better, but then one can't have a beer or slice of cheese; one will fall over dead. MJ is probably healthier.

I think years of therapy could be compressed into a few weeks if psychiatric professionals were allowed access to tools such as MDMA and 2C-E. Perhaps swiy could find an open-minded shrink who would give her one marathon CBT session while under the influence. One can dream.

Swiy may be bipolar, or something else. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder) Psychology is barely out of diapers, as a science; personally, I think Colin Ross's Trauma Model (www.rossinst.com (http://www.rossinst.com)) will come to replace the DSM's categorical approach. Might be worth a look. Use whatever scientific or philosophical or religious model works for you.

As for swim, there's a secret, magic phrase he likes to use when having a bad trip or a bad day.

"This too shall pass."


ECL

[bewilderment]

Thanks for the responses. It's taken me a little while to do another post since first swim went through a rather terrible ordeal which I refer to in this thread: http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4234. Then, swim went into somewhat of a frenzy trying to figure out what to do with her life at the moment because it's clear that things need to change. And, now swim also has a pretty bad cold and the cold medicine makes her head a bit foggy. Plus, swim has still been having a really hard time sleeping and focusing on things (well, the focus has been there a few days, but it's been directed elsewhere). I think everything's going to be okay with swim for the time being. She's had a few panic attacks since she wrote the initial post and one particularly bad one on Sunday. But, she thinks that being physically sick often plays a large role in messing up her emotions and her ability to handle things and basically "get a grip". The one on Sunday was mostly because for about half the day, the suicidal thoughts were starting to come again. She hates those and she was afraid she was taking a bad turn. The thoughts are just habitual thinking patterns that swim can't get rid of at times. She can't really control them. She pretty much feels like her head is being invaded by something separate from herself when it happens. She thinks it has a lot to do with the fact that she first started having suicidal ideation at a very young age and she can easily fall back into the same thought loop when under stress.

She's had a few main stressors. The first is that she has been physically ill, but hopefully that will go away soon. Another is that her partner has been terribly depressed due to work, school, and basically not knowing what she wants to do with her life (she wouldn't even be in school at this point since she already has a bachelor's degree in something not practical and still doesn't know exactly what she wants to do, but her mother is incredibly controlling and enrolled her in school anyway which she did easily because her mother is a professor at the university). Her partner was sounding quite suicidal this weekend even she assured swim that if she ever thought she was going to go over that edge again that she would check herself into a hospital because she loves swim too much to put her through something like that. Swim knows that she wouldn't want to put her through that, but also knows how such rational thinking can go out the window when one is so despondent. But, she seems to be doing okay now. She's still stressed out, but she doesn't seem as hopeless. The other stressor is that her partner was distressed over a conversation with her mother who was complaining about swim because she currently is unemployed and also because she has no insurance so when swim gets sick like she did on Saturday, it's up to swim's partner to try to find some sort of remedy or solution. This hit swim pretty hard and she began feeling like a complete loser which is the main reason for the panic attack and suicidal ideation on Sunday.

However, all of the stress has actually done some good things since it has pushed swim to "get it together". As much as swim hates going through all of the mood nonsense, if it's bad enough it will usually push swim to make some changes in her life that have been needed for some time. It's pretty much a "do or die" attitude. Swim knows that she has to do something or she will completely lose it. It's been the catalyst for a number of positive changes in the past.

First, swim was going to try going to school for a 10-week semester being offered and she was also going to try to get a job. She told her mother this and her mother told her not to because this is something swim has tried before and has found that school and work really don't mix for swim and can lead to a very negative outcome. Swim reassured her mother that she would quit the job if it became too much. But, there's been a change of plans now. Swim went to the school yesterday (she also got completely lost because even though she moved to this city over a year ago, she still only knows her way around the area nearest to where she lives) and set up an advisement appointment. And, then swim realized that her financial aid had never gotten through to the school. She was debating over two schools to attend when she filled out the financial aid form, but apparently neglected to put down the second school and she didn't notice this until yesterday. They told her that she could pay the tuition and fees and then possibly be reimbursed once the financial aid did come through. But, swim's mother would have to help swim out which she was willing to do. However, swim's mother is also in a tight financial situation and swim doesn't want to put any more stress on her. Also, when looking through classes, she saw that none of them would be relevant to her degree so there was really no point in taking any classes especially if it wasn't going to be covered by financial aid. This had swim freaking out a bit because she needed to be in school because otherwise she has student loans to pay back which she currently has under forbearance but only asked for a forbearance until she could get back in school and change it to a deferment. But, she's found a way around that. Her mother has been telling swim that she really should apply for food stamps because she should be eligible. Swim's social phobia has kept her from doing such a thing, but now she's just going to have to. First though, she's going to have to get another copy of her birth certificate (which she sent off for today...filled it out and put it in the mailbox at 6am when she couldn't sleep) because she also needs a new copy of her social security card in case she is asked for an interview and also for employment purposes. These were both lost some time ago when swim lost her wallet, but she never got around to replacing them.

So, this also gives her time to fix the whole financial aid thing so she can go to school in the Spring. She plans on getting an associate's degree first which shouldn't take long because she's been through 2 and a half full-time years of school already and has all of the basics and electives. That way once she finishes she can hopefully get a decent paying job while she's working on her bachelor's degree...a job that isn't customer service. She'll just have to grin and bear a customer service related job for the time being despite the amount of stress it causes.

Now that she has everything planned and sorted out she feels better about things. She's still been incredibly unstable, but she doesn't think she's going to enter into another depressive episode right now. Her partner has had to be the "strong one" so much of the time and she's under tremendous stress so swim is going to have to gather all the strength she can for the time being and basically just go on "autopilot" and not think about things which cause her anxiety. Which is difficult, but not she can sort of do it.

Anyway, that's just my little update on how swim is doing. As far as the responses...I really appreciate them. Ponygirl, swim will be paying attention to what she's eating, but she can't afford to do a complete switch in diet right now as that would involve a decent amount of groceries and swim is in a financial bind at the moment and has enough food in the house so she's holding out on buying any more until the cupboards are almost bare. But, she's doubtful that it's diet because she has made a number of extreme diet changes in her life and has never really noticed any sort of significant change in mood. I mean, of course, if she's eating healthier then she feels better physically which helps but it doesn't help a lot. And, swim eats pretty healthy...healthier than most Americans anyway. She hardly ever has junk food and doesn't drink soda, but instead either drinks water or juice (not from concentrate either). She could use some more fruits and veggies though but she's always had a bit of a problem with that which is why she drinks so much juice and takes vitamins. She'll try to throw in some of those when she goes grocery shopping next though. And, as far as making major life changes, she's in the midst of that right now :)

El Calico, swim has often dealt with some of the negative programming through the use of hallucinogens. It often helps in the short-term. It gives a different perspective on things and helps break through the anxiety and truly realize the irrational nature of some of her thoughts. But, often, things go back to how they were a week or a few weeks after the use of hallucinogens. Swim has had these sort of experiences on the same chemicals which you mention. She feels that she has been changed for the better through their use. They radically changed the way she views the world and opened up many new and exciting interests over the years. But, she often finds herself falling into a habit of trying to deal with problems through the use of hallucinogens which should really be dealt with in other ways. Plus, she often finds that for at least a day or two (or more) after a trip that she is somewhat emotionally fragile. But, she finds that if she isn't using them regularly then it's alright...at the moment, she's completely burnt out on hallucinogens and doesn't find them to be appealing at all since she is already emotionally fragile. She still has some 2C-E around though for whenever she feels psychologically strong enough to handle the the crash the day after. But, for now, she needs to get things straightened out without them. Once she gets things taken care of as far as getting a job and very hopefully getting some financial assistance from the government and things have stabilized she may take a "trip". But, she has learned her lesson (well, hopefully...at least for now she has) about taking things in moderation. She tends to get quite overzealous when it comes to drugs although she has calmed down now. Before, she never had a day when she stayed sober the entire time and didn't freak out, but she's beginning to have those again and it's not so bad anymore. Of course, she is generally in a better mood on days where she is using drugs (of course...most drugs used for recreation have a tendency to do that) but she doesn't mind it as much now when she doesn't use them. She's even cut back significantly on her alcohol intake which she had been using during the evenings to unwind. She realized that the alcohol was costing quite a bit of money and she simply doesn't enjoy it enough to spend that much on it. She does have some kratom, but she won't be using it regularly.

As I mentioned, I also realize that psychology is in a very primitive state. I haven't really looked over the trauma model, but I certainly will soon. The labels that are put on people with mental illness seem pretty arbitrary. They do help just a bit with knowing what sort of medication to prescribe, but other than that I find them to be pretty meaningless. If one compares any particular individual with a mental illness to another person with the same diagnosis they often exhibit very different symptoms and do not respond to medications in the same manner. The human mind is incredibly complex and often any sort of "imbalances" affect behavior and thinking in many various and idiosyncratic ways. I wish there was just a simple way of pinpointing the problem areas and fixing them such as one can do with a broken bone, have it x-rayed and fix the problem(s). Perhaps one day, we'll actually reach technology that can do such a thing or something similar...but for now things will just have to be dealt with using what tools we have. And, just to look at the bright side, it could be worse...swim's pretty sure that if she lived in a previous era without many of the psychiatric medications and treatments that there are now then she'd already have been institutionalized quite a few years back. Either that or she'd already be dead. So, even though things seem to be progressing rather slowly (although still faster, as knowledge and technological growth seems exponential as opposed to a long, tedious addition of ones), it could be much worse. Hopefully, swim will see great growth in the understanding of mental illness in her lifetime. She's young, she has time.

And, yes, often when swim is going through an especially difficult time she has to keep repeating to herself "temporary, temporary, everything is temporary". It helps a bit.

Many thanks to those who responded...it gives swim some things to consider and think about. I still welcome any further discussion. But, I thought I'd update to let people know that even though things are not "all better", swim is calmer and less desperate than she was when she first posted. Hopefully, she's headed in a better direction.

[Benga]

luminotherapy / white light might help, if you can afford a lightbox.
b

[El Calico Loco]

Glad things are looking up for you. I once read that "the cure for depression is occupation." I think that's a bit cynical...but it can't hurt to get your mind of your problems once in a while.

Personally, I think a lot of people in this world have good reasons for being unhappy. Once of my beefs with modern psychiatry is that it seems to want to treat the symptoms (depression, anxiety, etc) rather than the causes (a bad childhood or a difficult situation).

Good luck in building your model.


ECL

[bewilderment]

Benga, that's an idea that had slipped my mind. However, at the moment swim can't afford much except the necessities. So, sunlight will have to do. Although, during the worst breakdown in recent times swim was getting more sunlight than she had in a very long time since she was living on campus and doing a lot of walking around. But, perhaps the other stressors were simply too much at the time to be overcome by light. It's still something swim would like to try in the future when there is a bit of financial stability.

El Calico, swim has now had a look at the trauma model (although still isn't through with researching) and it's really given her a lot to think about and she's been doing a good bit of research related to how childhood trauma plays a role in mental health later on in life. She had this to say yesterday (some is related and some is not):

"This whole insomnia thing continues to really annoy me. One thing that I've noticed lately is a change in the nature of my insomnia. I remember when I was younger that my insomnia was characterized by physical restlessness as well as an inability to simply shut my mind off. However, over the past couple of years I have been able to do away with the second part. I could even do away with the excessive "chatter" during the day as well which even though it meant that I wasn't exactly brimming with new ideas it did me some good as I quit thinking and worrying about things which I really have no control over. Although, by worrying I don't mean necessarily brooding over personal issues but instead contemplating how incredibly screwed up society is or psychoanalyzing others as well as myself in order to get into the details which would hopefully provide answers and color in the larger picture. Either that, or I would lie awake at night contemplating the nature of reality...how solid things aren't solid and how nothing is how we perceive it to be; everything is interpreted through our five senses and there's really no reason why we should trust those senses...they are somewhat consistent, yes, but how much does that matter? Anyway, the second part is beside the point because I could not care less at this very moment.

It's becomes more apparent with each passing day just how vast the population of people with "disorders" is and there's something very not right about that. It can't all be biological or genetic because it doesn't make sense that the gene pool would be so filled with the stuff that makes it difficult for people to function in society. It becomes more and more obvious, to me at least and hopefully to anyone who has some semblance of intelligence and is honest with themselves about the nature of things and are not ignoring all of the clear indications, that culture must be playing a very significant role. And as globalization is occuring so is the spread of this disease (whatever you may call it).

Mari nearly fell over laughing when she first stumbled upon the term "schizophregenic mother" and I had a hearty chuckle as well, but quickly responded that really I believe this is a schizophregenic society. I took half of a seroquel last night to sleep, but as hard as I tried to simply shut off the chatter I came back to this quick observation. A mental disorder is usually only noticeable when it significantly impairs one's interpersonal relationationships and/or one's ability to be a competent member of society. This lead me to toy around with the idea of an ideal society in which I would be viewed as a healthy individual would look like. Then, I toyed around with what an ideal society for others who have serious mental disorders would look like. These models were vastly different than the existing structure. This lead to the conclusion that theoretically an extremely large portion of those with a disorder could function well in microcosms suited to their personality, beliefs, thought patterns, etc. But, of course, that's not anything that actually be implemented. However, it did make me realize just how much environment plays a role in so-called "disorders". It is evident that our current working structure is incompatible with the individual characters of a huge chunk of the population. It's not that everyone has some sort of chemical imbalance (although there certainly are those who do) but rather this is what happens when everything becomes homogenized.

But, what is there to do about it? The damage really seems irreparable at this point. The people at the top are happy enough because they are, well, at the top and in control. Meanwhile, those with no control are too busy trying to keep up with the frenzied pace that is required in order for them to survive in the existing model and are so downtrodden due to this or either so financially poor (it does take money in this structure to be heard and to actually be able to change things) that they are rendered impotent. And, really, society is schizophregenic and sends contradictory messages out constantly: be healthy, but drink lots of coca-cola; don't be greedy, but make lots of money; be kind to everyone, but don't give to the homeless because they will just buy booze and you need that money to buy a bud-lights and appear attractive somehow; try to be Christ-like, but don't "play God" or try to be God even though they're the same thing; love your neighbor, but buy firearms because you never know; be thin, but eat at McDonald's like everyone else; don't take drugs or engage in sexual activities that are considered unacceptable, but please buy the music talking about bitches and blunts; don't kill or torture people, that's up to the people in charge who know best; don't lie, but don't question those in authority that do because it's a necessity and also you shouldn't be giving out too much information about yourself...and it goes on and on and on...

At this point, I'm just waiting for the end of the world. Everything seems to be pointing in that direction as I put very simply to Mari yesterday it's like everything right now is following a pattern "boom, boom, boom, BIG boom". But, what can I do aside from worry myself sick over such things?

Also, questioning this lead me to doing just a bit of research (not done) on how environmental influences play a role in disorders which turned to me reading up on quite a bit of such things as "trauma models" as briefly described here: Trauma Model of Mental Disorders. After doing a lot of reading on different disorders it is also apparent that psychology is incredibly lacking. There are so many symptoms that overlap that I don't see how anyone can place a simple diagnosis on any particular person. The more I read, the more arbitrary the labels seem. This is why I like to refer to people simply as "crazy" (the word doesn't connote anything negative in my lexicon). Now, I don't really think that anyone has an easy life. There are always complications no matter what. And, I also don't believe that I experienced much greater trauma during my childhood than anyone else. But, it is undeniable that my childhood was quite unstable. That's just what happens when two "crazy" people get together and raise a child. I also know that certain events in my childhood have been blocked out. Indeed, whenever I try to think about my childhood much, the memories are very murky, hazy in nature. I no longer actually spend time dwelling on such things because I got all of that out of my system during my adolescence and teenage years. Whenever a therapist wants to discuss it, I usually shrug it off and say everyone has a hard time growing up and I've thought about enough, analyzed it enough, and talked about enough and I want to move onto how to deal with the present and I also point out that I really don't harbor any ill feelings towards my parents because they're only human and have their own issues. It's not their fault, they were doing the best they knew how to do but they're just "crazy". And, this still holds true.

However, after reading about trauma models and their relation to the comorbidity of mental disorders and also considering that I most likely have a predisposition to some sort of mood disorder thus making me perhaps more sensitive than those who go through such things mostly unaffected...I have concluded (well, loosely, always subject to change...I never actually conclude things) that early events in my life have played a much larger role in who I am today than I previously gave them credit for. It makes me want to turn to hallucinogens again as a tool (I don't mean regularly) to try to unravel some of that mess and perhaps I could get rid or of or at least lessen my negative programming. But, I don't plan on doing this anytime soon as I am still too emotionally unstable to consume anything that that's going to make me even more unstable. I do, however, want to try this eventually but at the moment I'm not sure how to approach it. I spent some time last night analyzing and trying to ascertain causes and effects. I know I must approach this soberly first in order to wrap my head around it all and try to figure out what I can possibly (maybe not, but I figure it's worth a shot at least) fix and how.

That's enough for now. I have more updates as far as my life goes, but those can wait. I just wanted to write things out because it helps me get out of the thought loops I've been stuck with all night and still awoke with this morning about falling asleep around 7am and getting up a bit after 11am."

The thing is, the person who would best remember swim's childhood and could shed some light on some things is her mother. Swim's mother has some strange behavior and often she will say things--things which should be taken seriously if true--but when swim asks about them later her mother will say that she had been making them up. Although, swim doesn't think that she's making things up but rather that she changes her mind later about whether or not she should have told swim.

For example, she told swim about two years ago that swim had gone done to the garage to find her father trying to inhale exhaust from the exhaust pipe in their car and had quickly gone upstairs to alert her mother. Swim has absolutely no recollection of this. But, this must have been around the time when they were going through their divorce (her father continued to live in the house because he had nowhere else to go) and swim does remember that around that time period he showed and read aloud a suicide note that he had written. Swim was 10 years old at the time. He assured swim that he didn't plan on carrying anything out, but merely that he was reading her the note because in it he professed how much he cared for swim...and that she'd be better off without him. Also, after her father did move out and was briefly staying at his mother's old apartment (who had passed away recently) swim found a few other notes which were not suicide notes exactly, but were notes addressed to "God" asking him to take my father's life because it was unbearable. So, a suicide attempt is not far-fetched whatsoever.

Swim's mother continues to do similar things such as saying something and then later saying that it wasn't true. Another example is that when swim first began dating her current spouse her mother became extremely paranoid that they were plotting to kill her. She admitted this to swim finally saying that it had been on her mind for a week or so (also, there was absolutely no reason for her mother to believe such a thing, swim doesn't even kill insects much less a person and neither does her spouse) and that she had been locking her door at night and keeping her phone and gun close by. She said this very seriously and at first swim laughed it off but then realized that her mother was genuinely very afraid. Swim tried to reassure her mother that she loved her and there was no reason to believe such a thing. She then tried to give her mother a hug before she went up to her bedroom but her mother pushed her away and proceeded to go to her bedroom and locked the door. Swim brought this up a week later to make sure her mother was doing okay at which point swim's mother said that she'd made the whole thing up even though swim is pretty sure that her mother had actually had those thoughts but was simply embarassed later.

So, yeah, her family is more than a bit strange. She also knows of a couple of other things that her mother has brought up before which seem significant enough that swim should really remember them, but she doesn't. And, swim's mother doesn't really have a history of making up elaborate lies like that. Although, she does have a history of playing games with swim's head even as a child which swim also wonders if that could have played a role in some of swim's problems.

Thanks for the well wishes, swim is trying to build a model. She wishes she could undergo hypnosis or something to pull up some memories...oh well.

[El Calico Loco]

One of the most important parts of Ross's trauma model - and the thing that most convinced me that he's on to something - is dissociation. In times of stress, the human brain releases cortisol; this has the effect of preventing memories from being formed. It does not, however, prevent the emotions associated with those memories (terror, rage) from being encoded. Sufferers will have the pain, but not know why.

It's theorized that this could be a survival mechanism. Little primate children who were abused by caretakers might have had a better chance of survival if they forgot the abuse and stuck around than if they fled into the wilderness.

Those who have used drugs are familiar with state-dependent memory. This happens particularly with dissociatives like DXM, but can even happen with alcohol (friend of a friend would drink while studying; if he went to the test sober, he would fail; if he went drunk, he would remember everything).

This can also happen with trauma. Some people have a natural talent for dissociation as a response to unpleasant emotions such as fear or anger. If they do this often enough, their psyche can fragment enough to form different ego states - they might seem to be an entirely different person when angry or afraid, leading to things like "borderline" personality disorder and remembering events differently than others. The extreme form of this is Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder.

Hypnosis probably won't help. According to Ross's model, the memories were not blocked or repressed - they were never properly formed in the first place. When pressed, the brain gives its best guess, called a confabulation. It's not a lie; it's just the best the brain can do. This is where false memories (http://www.rossinst.com/mem.htm) come from.

My test subject had good luck with a mix of 2C-E and cannabis, and some more with DXM. They couldn't bring the memories back, but they gave hints as to the time frame and events he should be investigating. He had to be careful - DXM is a liar. It can help one remember, but it can also make one remember things that didn't happen. He did what a good detective would do: he went and interviewed witnesses.

Trouble is, the witnesses themselves may have been traumatized. Different witnesses gave somewhat different accounts. On the other hand, it was 27 years in the past. He got enough for some closure, at any rate. He came to understand his feelings of emptiness, and why he put up emotional walls between himself and others. He is learning to tear them down.

Good luck with your investigations, should you pursue them. It helps to deal with buried grief, but don't lose sight of what's really important - the Here and Now.


ECL

[bewilderment]

I'd just like to give an update on swim and thank everyone who has helped. Swim has started keeping a food journal and has been trying to reach proper nutritional goals each day. She read somewhere that these are the most important nutrients regarding mental health and stability: Folic Acid, Magnesium, Vitamin B1, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B6, Vitamin C, Folic Acid, Magnesium, Selenium, Zinc, Omega 3 Acids, Tryptophan, GABA, Amino Acids. She has kept these in mind when planning out meals for the day. She's only been doing this since Sunday, but has already noticed that her mood swings have not been nearly as severe and she has been generally happier. She has also been taking care to get as many of these nutrients as she can from food sources and not from supplements (although some supplementation is necessary on some days). Also, she has been meeting her recommended daily intake of vitamins through this method as well. If anyone here can recommend any good sites which give tips on healthy nutrition and/or good recipes they would be greatly appreciated. I'm not sure how much FDA recommendations can be trusted as I am beginning to doubt where their actual interests lie.

Some links which have lead me to this conclusion are found in a post a made here: http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/showpost.php?p=200028&postcount=20

The post also indicates swim's change of opinion regarding psychiatry since I first began this thread. Much of the research that I have done has been a result of recommendations given by those who contributed here so I just wanted to say "thank you" once again.

I do believe that swim has been experiencing some vitamin deficiencies as she had been eating very little which lead her to losing about 12 pounds in a month or two. This may be a small amount for some, but for someone who weighed 120 pounds, that is a 10% decrease in body weight and thus significant. The reason for this was because of the symptom of anhedonia which had made her lose interest in food. She still doesn't have much of an interest in food, and can't say that she actually looks forward to meals but due to her increase in interest regarding how nutrition affects mood she has found it easier to plan out meals and eat...basically seeing them as her "medicine".

She still wishes that she could get some marijuana, but she also knows that this break isn't permanent and during it she is learning how to deal with her mental health by other means. In fact, she never wants to be on any psychiatric medication again and hopes that she can continue to control things through other methods. Of course, if things were to become unbearable and these new methods were no longer working then she would consider getting treatment in a short-term sense, but she no longer is buying into to the notion that she will need medication for the rest of her life. She sees where the interests lie of those who have told her this in the past and it has not been to help swim, but rather to fatten their wallets. In fact, the only decent therapist swim ever had told her that antidepressants were not to be considered a long-term treatment option and swim doubted her at the time because she was still buying into everything that everyone else had told her.

So, if anyone has any suggestions or knows of any really good sites concerning healthy living in terms of maintaining one's mental health then these are still welcome.

Cheers.

[stoneinfocus]

Acetyl l carntine proved to work in depression and improved mood in 50% of healthy volunteers in a doubel blind placebo controlled study.

swim thinks it´s more likely that it´s a depression and normal mood swings, that are exaggerated maybe even caused by a high IQ of swiy and struggling around the enlightement that life isn´t that much and so great, humans ain´t also and big achievements are one in a billion of hours in the working of genius´.

Also, viewn from a depressive state of mood or crisis, a normal mood seems to be more like mania, time seems to flow by, sometimes, very little things are done that are necessary for achieving littel but important things, and if something has its price to be paid to make it work perfektly rather than aborting it and saving the money for the children and leaving some rather expsenive rubbish, it seems like spending money as crazy, but it ain´t.

Life is very demanding and fullfillment hardly and costly achieved, but achievable -the episode of stealing a book seems to be a rather "good" sign to swiy like a positive recklessness, the opposite of the hypomania and hatred swiy felt, and really no harm done, even good things might happen if someone takes and uses what he needs, and there´s for surr millions of those books,.., like I said you have to achieve what you have to do, no matter what it takes or your life ain´t no life.

[Praxis]

I found this article to be really interesting, so it brought up a thought in my mind. Recently I have been feeling literally feelings at once. At the same time I feel very depressed, empty, like I have no purpose and life, and if there is no purpose why live? But also at the same time I feel almost at peace and happy and very hyperactive. Happy and depressed at the same time. Its been like this for about a month. Its like despite my feeling shitty no reason, or a small reason, I feel that life is beautiful and good. Granted I also have a case of dearealization and depersonalization, but now im thinking maybe I have a mixed state bipolar disorder

[El Calico Loco]

So, if anyone has any suggestions or knows of any really good sites concerning healthy living in terms of maintaining one's mental health then these are still welcome.



Just the usual. Lean meat and fish, lots of vegetables, and essential fats like olive and sesame oil. Fresh air and exercise. But everybody knows that - it's just that most of us avoid it for no good reason. :)

Exercise, in particular, can release endorphins - the body's own heroin. Those meatheads who exercise for five hours a day are, deep down, just junkies looking for their fix.

Spicy food can do the same thing. Put a couple of habanero peppers in your food; the afterglow is better than sex. The stomach issues aren't quite as much fun, however. *smirk*


ECL

[El Calico Loco]

I found this article to be really interesting, so it brought up a thought in my mind. Recently I have been feeling literally feelings at once. At the same time I feel very depressed, empty, like I have no purpose and life, and if there is no purpose why live? But also at the same time I feel almost at peace and happy and very hyperactive. Happy and depressed at the same time. Its been like this for about a month. Its like despite my feeling shitty no reason, or a small reason, I feel that life is beautiful and good. Granted I also have a case of dearealization and depersonalization, but now im thinking maybe I have a mixed state bipolar disorder



From a less psychological and more philosophical perspective, perhaps you should look into Absurdism (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Absurdism) - the idea that the universe is senseless, so there is no meaning to life except that meaning you choose to put into it.

And listen to The Prids. (http://www.theprids.com) They share your view that the world is both beautiful and gloomy. :)


ECL

[stoneinfocus]

maybe swiy has some allergies, too, which aren´t easily recognised... swim did some meth, doing very well, but "manged" to get some food with soybeans in it into swim, so he ended up with shortbreathedness, spots and a littel swollen face and a horrible night, being a bit "misanthropic" then, also..., linked this to the meth come-down, but then remembered the soy,.. took some more meth and steroids and felt immediately better, and knew, it was no psychological (more a physical one and though a somatic-psychological depression*muhaha*)depression, but totally linked to swims allergy. (too much histamine´s bad for you baby ;) )

Swim thinks most probs of today and mental probs, are more linked to pollution and resulting allergies, like getting fat, because somehow the "air" to breath is missing, but rarely not recognised as an asthmatic problem, the bogus inhaled steoids for 90$/pic being only slightly effective, because of the stims in it which only need a small receptor aerea to doc on, to dilate the whole alveolar tree, the stereoids, being expensive rubbish, causing more sides than systemic admistered, at least in swim, who flushed after every inhaling and has gotten a funghus in his mouth and a wound, raw voice, with littel to no effects of the steroids.... well a little anectode..., swim saw a documtary where a highly reactive child to tomatoes went totally nuts and insane when he ate a tomato... an extreme to make the situation clear....


Swim feels very much like you, since he´s been taking isotretinoin for his acne, and since the side is called a depression, I´d rather propose a diagnosis of a depression in a wider sense...

[Praxis]

intereting...I take Doxycycline (droyx) for acne. Maybe sleep is playing part in it. I only get about 7 - 8 hours during the week.

[El Calico Loco]

maybe swiy has some allergies, too, which aren´t easily recognised...


Good point. I've been reading more and more often that there are some allergies with much more subtle effects than the kind I have (every tree, bush, and blade of grass in the world makes my sinuses go hogwild). Some supposedly cause depression or obesity while making you crave the very thing that does it. Wheat and yeast are two I often see mentioned.

There's a really good thing to do that I've never done because it takes too much time and effort. :) It's called the elimination diet: one removes anything and everything from one's diet except those few foods that are known to be completely allergy-free for every human, then add foods one at a time over a period of weeks to see which ones make one feel bad and which make one feel good.

A lot of work, to be sure...maybe I'll get around to it one of these days. *smirk*

Praxis: Sleep deprivation can cause all sorts of problems. Not just depression, but stuff like hallucinations and delusions. Manic types are known for sleeping very little. It might be worth seeing a head-shrinker, if you can find a good one. Many will prescribe meds for short-term relief while one undergoes therapy; be wary of ones who just want to give you pills as a long-term solution.


ECL

[Trebor]

Bananananas are great for elevating one's mood.

[Praxis]

well its not that I can't sleep It just I get to bed at 10:30 sometimes later and wake up at 6. Its more like sleep deeficiency if there is such a thing.

[Trebor]

cut back on coffee

[El Calico Loco]

well its not that I can't sleep It just I get to bed at 10:30 sometimes later and wake up at 6. Its more like sleep deeficiency if there is such a thing.


Ohhhh - 7 or 8 hours a night. You said 7 or 8 hours a week. Six or seven hours a night is fine. :)


ECL

[Praxis]

HAHA! thats fixed now.

[Nagognog2]

The month of November is coming down the road at us, and with it comes an upswing of people reporting depression. This "Seasonal Affective Disorder" is not some new-age hype. It's well documented for decades.

Seems to have to due with the amount of light/angle of the sun. I am infering this for those of us who live in the northern hemisphere, of course. Flip it upside-down to April if you are "down under." One method that has good results for those suffering from this is the aquisition of a small indoor garden. All you need is one good grow-light (fluorescent model - not a damn, giant halide), a couple of low-maintainence plants - or knock yourself out if you have a green thumb - and a place in your home to set all this up. Voila! You now have a nice, sunny piece of summer growing green and free in your house year 'round. So pull up a chair and read a book or something everyday in your own, private patch of July.

If you live somewhere that the police are likely to kick in your door if someone reports you for having a grow-light, by all means include some fire-nettles and poison-sumac in your little slice of heaven.

[Praxis]

Seeing as I was a fulltime lifeguard over the summer, could I perhaps be at a greater risk for seasonal depression as I was in the sun practically everyday for about 8 hours and then started school and got no sun?

[Nagognog2]

I have no idea if such a study exists.

[El Calico Loco]

Seeing as I was a fulltime lifeguard over the summer, could I perhaps be at a greater risk for seasonal depression as I was in the sun practically everyday for about 8 hours and then started school and got no sun?



Like N, I don't know if there's any actual studies on that...but it doesn't sound outrageous to me. Look at the way our bodies deal with drugs: if one is constantly sedated (alcohol, xanax, etc), then one's central nervous system will work harder to compensate, leading to rebound anxiety, insomnia, or even siezures when one comes off the drug. Conversely, coming off a constant stimulant can lead to depression and lethargy.

I wouldn't be amazed if the same were true for "good" things like sunlight, vitamins, and the like. If one's body is used to getting lots of sun, it might become unhappy in its absence. But I can't say for certain.


ECL

[toe]

Can't link, google "mood garden".

[akasha2012]

my friend has found kratom to work very well for mood disorder, but it is also very expensive... she also uses klonipin and finds good results, but that is addictive so once youre on it youre on it for a long time it seems... she stays away from all of the crazy pharmaceuticals that psychiatrists try to put people on...

thats my 2 cents

[Graduisic]

if one is treating mood disorders with drugs, this becomes an immediate dependence in order to keep one's emotions "in check". over time, the body gets used to compensating for the drug and the effects which used to alleviate symptoms become baseline, and further complications arise. when SWIM used xanax for his anxiety disorder it was effective at first, then effective with some problems (i.e. mood swings, depression, etc.), and eventually it became just problems (severe mood swings, desire to take more xanax, etc.). same goes for when doctors prescribed him with citalopram; SWIM noticed after four weeks of using the anti-depressant, his moods had changed, he was laughing more and the anti-depressant seemed to be doing its job. four weeks later, he felt nothing except for more mental problems; the desire to smoke more pot, or put his brain at risk and mix SSRI's with serotogenic drugs. it seemed to make him more obsessive-compulsive over time. third and final example: SWIM self-medicated himself through high school with adderall because it was so easy to obtain. This drug was effective for about two years or so, it made swim motivated to do homework and just generally take care of his stuff. it also made him more extroverted and a happier person. another year down the line, he noticed the motivation was gone, and all adderall did was turn him into a hyper-sexual, obsessive-compulsive freak.

same story could be said about his marijuana use and vicodin use and DXM use; every single one of these drugs he had used (and had habituated himself upon) for extended periods of time. ALL of these experiences followed this model

Effective ---> Effective with problems ---> Just problems

long-term treatment of a mood disorder with drugs (for SWIM) has proven effective to start with, but then begins to expose (and amplify) other aspects of his mental inequities.

Recovery from addiction to all this stuff was a bitch, but swim learned that medications cannot be a long-term solution because they create other problems. SWIM has found that nootropics (DMAE and piracetam are his favorites) help to stabilize the mind without causing long-term problems or dependency, and this aids to the one and only 'treatment' to mood disorders: biofeedback


SWIM couldn't quit doing these drugs and felt so extremely damaged by all he's done (particularly how heavily he used dissociatives) until his girlfriend moved in which became a major lifestyle change for SWIM. he actually goes out for walks now, but when she's out of town, he sits around, sulks and busts out the xanax and the vicodin and the bowl. he even thinks about the pleasures of DXM but refrains because he knows what he needs to do. once swiy sees that light bearing down the tunnel, swiy knows he's gonna get hit by a train. how many people recover from being hit by a train? it's pretty tough to do and is going to take a lot of patience, relapses, and forced lifestyle changes even when every fiber of swiy's being rejects it. SWIM took 900mg-1400mg of DXM twice a week for two years straight and it is going to take a LONG time before swim feels 100% human. he gets tastes of it when he is at a concert, or working out, having sex, etc. but it's still not going to feel right all of the time. swim still uses cigarettes as a crutch to get through most of the workday. swim still frequently remarks to himself at times "damn, I don't even feel like i'm really here, it's like i'm watching all this shit on a screen".

SWIM loves it when he is back in his body, even though all the drug experiences he has had now has led him to believe and understand that life is truly meaningless beyond any definition (or delusion) we create for ourselves.