View Full Version : Relapse (cola)
Ugggh... relapsed tonight, on a fucking 40 spot (shared). The worst part is that I had to convince someone I've known for 25 years to get it for me, him knowing I had gone to a rehab unit for 4 days. Unluckily for me, the prospect of me sharing overcame his hesitancy.
Oh well, back to square one. I'm out of funds & don't get paid until the 3rd so maybe I can keep some clean time for at least 8 days this time. If it ain't enough, I'm in serious trouble next month... :-(
Crap... gotta find a way to handle the depression, that's what gets me. Cravings ain't much of a problem, it's that I don't feel right unless I'm high.
coldaslife
27-07-2004, 15:22
hey man i relapsed last night as well. however, i have no desire to do it again, it wasnt a good high at all and i want this shit out of my life. hopefully this time it will be for good. coke just isnt for me.
Lucky you, I don't have much in my life I care about except cola... maybe nothing. Was feeling down as hell last night, thinking about going back into rehab for awhile.
If you have nothing but cocaine in your life, it is time to go rehab. Live sure as hell does not work out the way you are going. Don't you think you owe yourself more than this. You could create more happyness in your life.
hey guys- I have been there, shit, i'm still there. I've had a terrible habit in the past. Now whenever I get high i have terrible anxiety. this drug is a bitch. maybe try a rehab that's for a month (if it's that bad) although those do cost quite a bit. keep up the fight, it's a struggle, but worth it. read this book- the four agreements- nothing about recovery, but makes you look at this thing we call life differently.
Second relapse tonight... circumstances just went the worst possible way. What the fuck do you guys do when it's payday, and it's just impossible to resist? Dealer offered me 2 g's for $75, what the hell am I supposed to say?
I worked out a schedule where I'll be attending NA and CA meetings from now on, every weekday evening (tomorrow I'll look into weekend bus schedules, yes I'll be riding bookoo buses every frigging day, multiple transfers & all...).
If that doesn't do it then I'll probably hit bottom eventually, which for me is death. There are worse bottoms with coke (I've seen 'em) but I really don't want to go where I'm headed either. Hope those meetings have some effect, I'm getting my ass there come hell or high water. Maybe I'll make some sober friends, I think that would really help.
Uggh... Wish me luck. I'll check in on this thread after a few days.
Crap. I'm totally powerless over this shit, can't do it on my own. Next stop, inpatient treatment center (if I can find one that'll take someone on klonopin... you can't just drop that crap overnight, and most won't take people on benzos).
If I do get into a treatment center, it'll be about my fifth in the past 15 years.
Thanks to the previous well wishers. They say addiction is a (brain) disease, and if it's true then mine may be nearing the final/terminal stages where you just lose control and even the motivation to stay quit. Que sera sera.
good luck nicaine, i've attended some na classes, and my brother is nearing 2 years of being sober ( knock on wood) . if you feels it's that bad, make the decision man, before it eats the life right out of you.
<blockquote> Originally posted by 32785 on 09 August 2004<hr>
good luck nicaine, i've attended some na classes, and my brother is nearing 2 years of being sober ( knock on wood) . if you feels it's that bad, make the decision man, before it eats the life right out of you.<hr></blockquote>
Prob is I didn't have much of a life to begin with... been on disability since 1988 (won't get into details) and for the past 4 years have been doing almost nothing but sitting in front of the computer and (alternatively) the TV set. Oh, and going grocery shopping, & occasionally doing the laundry and dishes.
Now I sometimes feel like getting back into the swing, but the only time I ever feel motivated is with cola. They say it can permanently damage dopamine neurons & kill motivation and drive to do stuff... could be from my previous foolishness in the 80's & 90's. Anyway, I'm motivated enough to at least try & get out of this destructive lifestyle.
Again, que sera sera... decisions aren't much involved this time around, in fact they seem to make things worse because then I get the feeling of failure along with everything else.
Hi guys, new here but i shot dope for over 20 years and now i am 16 years clean! For you guys that just relapsed i have been there too! It always seems that right after we do our fix we say " i don't want to do this anymore" Very comin! The thing is that that is your "disease" working on you for the next time! Think about it for a minute: By saying"i don't want to do this anymore " what your desiese is really saying is that you are going to want to do this again and i already have you thinking about it! Than it goes to work on you by saying" no one gets strung out after just using two times and after all that first one was not that good anyway!It's three times that gets you,right? Wrong it'slike this: If you get hit by a train what car kills you, the first or the thrid? Get it! The first shot is the SUCKER shot and after that all bet's are off! I am no NA guru or anything, just a fellow addict that has been there.Gettig claen can be done but not alone! When an addict is alone in his own head he is in enamy territory, don't go there alone! As addicts we fdorget that herion is illeagle and getting caught can land you in the can! Try kicking there. I have been to a ton of meeting, methadone clinics and counciling and what i have found is while all these help it comes down to : Do i want to stay clean more than i want to get hi Anyway i feel like i am preaching
edited by BA
epsilon's barn
05-09-2004, 18:24
If you are interested, my boyfriend is in recovery and I can give you his contact information. He has 3 years clean and is in NA. He's done it all and shot dope for 30 years so he may be a good person to talk to if you would like.
Heya,
It's been well over a month &haven't touched the stuff. Took the geographic cure for a month, and have been on Wellbutrin. Not to say that I haven't thought about it fairly often (I have) but so far, so good. No NA, CA or anything... just good old fashioned decision to stay away. Feels good to have finally succeeded after those probs I had earlier.
Did some serious cleaning today (bedroom was a disaster area after all the crap going on this summer). Still have some left to do, not looking forward to doing the bathroom <img border="0" src= "smileys/smiley3.gif">.
buzzkilowatt
03-10-2004, 17:09
Keep up the good work, Nicaine!
Looks like you're getting your "true" house in order. None of us like to deal with the bathroom issues . . . we've been avoiding them for a long time, if you catch my drift!
I'm sure that the anti-depressants make all the difference.
selsdorn
27-10-2004, 11:47
I JUST COMPLEATED A DETOX IN HOSPITAL CAME OUT AND USED AGAIN SO I WAS BACK TO SQUARE ONE TO I HAD TO GO TO A FRIENDS AND GO COLD TURKY IT WAS HELL BUT I DID IT. I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT DRUGS AND ALWAYS WILL. I SUPOSE YOU JUST HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING TO DISTRACT YOU FROM THAT THOUGHT. AS FOR THE DEPRESION WELL YOU GOT TO MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY COS AT THE END OF THE DAY WE ARE HERE ALONE .THE DRUGS ARE ONLY A SHORT TERM FIX TO A LONG TERM PROBLEM. TAKE CARE AND POST ME IF YOU EVER NEED HELP OK .